Aria Graice - 38. Chapter 38

Drew hovered at the top of the stairs, uncertain what best to do. He’d hoped to head Jay off before Lady Jane got her claws into them and at least let them know they had an ally. Now, he wasn’t sure if it would be best to wait or walk in. Crashing the meeting might make matters worse, but on the other hand, leaving Jay to face it alone seemed…wrong. He was a man of action and had found social interaction could be a minefield, at least at this level. He didn’t want to get on the wrong side of Lady Jane when she had only just come into the twins’ lives, but Jay was their best friend and had done more for Amara and Aria than anyone else Drew new of.

Before he could overthink things even further, the door to the office was flung open and Jay fled the room, heading for the front door. Drew followed and almost over-ran. Jay had tucked themselves away behind a pillar and sat, hunched on the ground, hugging their knees and sobbing as if their heart was breaking.

Drew hesitated for only a moment, then crouched at Jay’s side. He had no idea what to say. When he rested a hand on Jay’s shoulder, they jumped as if they’d been burned. “Drew?” they said, their voice confused as if they couldn’t understand how Drew could possibly be there. At least their surprised forestalled the heart-breaking sobs.

“I’m sorry I’m late,” Drew said.

Jay frowned, sniffing. “What do you mean?”

“I was hoping I’d get to you in time to go in with you. I take it you don’t want to go back with me.”

Jay’s eyes widened and they shook their head compulsively.

“Come on then, let’s get out of here.”

Drew stood and Jay gazed up at him for a moment with a blank stare before holding out their hand and allowing Drew to help them to their feet.

Without a glance at the hall, Drew led Jay down the steps, holding tight to their hand—half through fear of them bolting and half because he thought Jay needed the human connection. From the expression in their eyes, Jay was holding on by a thread.

Turning unhesitatingly to the right, Drew led Jay around the side of the house into a large open courtyard. He paused to gawp at the enormous garages, like a pair of aircraft hangers filled with cars of all kinds, mostly black. The bus stood out like a sore thumb, lodged between a sleek jaguar and a hulking SUV. Jay pulled back against Drew’s hold. Drew stopped immediately and turned to them. He remained silent giving them opportunity to gather themselves.

“I…”

“It’s as safe a place as you’ll find around here. No one will bother us there.”

“But…”

Drew turned fully and rested his hands on Jay’s shoulders. He gazed into their eyes, which were veiled and fearful. “I know,” he said simply. “I saw the folder. It’s okay.”

Jay’s eyes flew wide and Drew honestly thought they were going to bolt. He made sure his hands rested lightly, not wanting Jay to feel restrained in any way.

Jay took a step backward, glancing to the side, and Drew knew they were on the verge of running. “Don’t,” he said softly. “I don’t know what she said to you, but we can figure this out. Just come to the bus and talk. If you still want to leave, I’ll find a way to explain to the twins.”

“I…”

“Please. I swear I won’t hurt you, Jay. I don’t give a damn about what happened in the past. I know you as someone who is smart, funny and a damn good friend. You’ve been nothing but kind and honest, and loyal to my boys. I don’t know where we’d have been without you. We owe you. And besides”—He grinned—“you’re one of the family. You may be the black sheep, but black’s always a fashionable colour, right?”

Jay shook their head slowly, their mouth hanging open, their eyes wide. They were completely stunned. Drew carefully rested his arm across Jay’s shoulders and drew them toward the bus. He wondered, too late, if it would be locked, but it wasn’t. Of course not. Why on earth would Ceriann have locked the bus when she left it in the hands of strangers?

After depositing Jay on the bench seat, Drew hurried to the kitchen and set a kettle to boil on the gas burner.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Jay remained silent, their head bowed, sitting on their hands.

“You know you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of, don’t you?”

Jay snorted.

“Okay, so tell me, what exactly are you ashamed of?”

Jay raised their head and gazed at him with an expression of incredulity. “Are you being serious right now?”

“Deadly.”

“You read the file?”

“Not all of it, but enough to get a gist of what happened.”

Jay frowned. “How do I know you’re not just fishing? How do I know you know anything at all?”

“I guess you’ll just have to trust me, Jayson.”

Jay started as if Drew had stuck a pin in them, then they deflated and covered their face with their hands. Their shoulders started to shake and Drew was very tempted to forget the kettle and run to them. However, he was afraid that if he came on too strong Jay would run, and he had no idea where they’d go. So, he grabbed two mugs and made two hot drinks, all the time watching Jay carefully, ready to move in an instant if they decided to make a run for it.

Jay, however appeared frozen, not moving at all, apart from the shaking of their shoulders.

When the kettle had boiled, Drew made coffee, set a mug on the table in front of Jay and sat on the other side, giving them space. Jay glanced up, took the mug, then lowered their gaze again, staring at their hands where they wrapped around the hot china. They didn’t attempt to raise the mug to their lips.

Drew sipped his coffee and wondered what to say. What could he say to make this situation easier for Jay? It wasn’t an easy situation.

“I’m assuming you haven’t told Aria and Amara,” he said at last, because the silence was too much to bear.

Once again, Jay jumped as if they’d been poked, then raised a frantic gaze, glancing around like a caged animal. Drew laid down his mug and leaned forward. “Take it easy. I give you my word I won’t tell them anything unless you specifically ask me to. This is something that needs to come from you if it comes at all.”

Jay’s breath hitched and they, too laid their mug on the table, then drew up their legs to hug their knees, curling into as small a space as possible.

“Is she putting pressure on you to tell them?”

Jay shook their head, shrinking even smaller.

“Is she threatening to tell them herself?”

There was silence for so long, Drew thought they were never going to get an answer.

“She used to pressure me to tell them, but now she says if I don’t leave, she will.”

Drew’s jaw clenched. The good feeling he’d started to accumulate for Lady Jane disappeared in a flash. That evil cow. How could she do this to what was very clearly a vulnerable child? Well, technically not a child, at least in body, but still a vulnerable person. It had become abundantly clear that for all their bounce and sparkle Jay was carrying a huge burden. They must be so frightened that the fragile world they’d built around themselves would come crashing down at any moment. That crushing understanding brought him to his knees next to Jay. He took Jay’s hands in his.

“You have to understand that you are not alone anymore. No matter what happens from now on, you’re part of our family. There’s no way Aria and Amara would turn against you for this, and if they do, I know for sure my family won’t. You’re one of us, warts and all. Do you know what my mother said before we left?”

Jay gazed at him, looking deeply confused. They shook their head.

“Watch that one, Jay, they’ve got a sadness about them and they haven’t got the support the twins have. Watch them for me”. And I’ll tell you now that in Wales “watch them” means a whole lot more than “keep an eye on”. It means “take care of them, make sure they’re okay, that they know someone cares”. It means “you’d better make damn sure you notice when they’re struggling”, and I’ve seen you struggle. I haven’t known why, or what you were struggling with, but I’ve seen the darkness in the middle of all that glitter. Now I know what it is, and my mother would tan my hide if I didn’t stand by you.”

Jay bit their lip and sniffed as tears rolled down their cheeks. They didn’t move, didn’t take their eyes from Drew’s for a moment. They just held themselves rigid, the rolling tears the only sign of their distress.

“Are you really that worried about how the twins will react?”

Jay shrugged, just a tiny rise of their shoulders.

“You’ve known the twins a lot longer than me and you know them much better, I’m certain you don’t believe any more than I do that they’d turn against you, so what is it really? Are you afraid you’ll hurt them?”

Again, a slight shrug, and more tears.

“Please Jay, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s at the heart of this. What’s really going on.”

There was a long pause, then Jay collapsed in on themselves and fell into Drew’s arms. They clung to him, their face tucked into the crook of his neck, and sobbed. Drew held them close, rocking slightly and giving them a chance to calm before pushing them any further.

“She…” Jay sobbed even harder and spat incoherent words.

“I can’t understand you. Take your time.”

Finally, Jay pushed away from Drew and saw up, their back against the seat. “She said if I didn’t get out of the twins’ lives, she’d go to the press. It would finish me. But I don’t understand why she’d do that because it would finish them too, for being friends with me.”

“What do you mean by “finish”?”

“Our careers. Who’d want to watch fashion videos made by a murdering whore? And who’d want anything to do with anyone close to them?”

“I think you’ve been holding this too close for too long. I don’t know much about the whole YouTube culture, but I know people, and how much they love scandal. They’ll watch you just to see what kind of person you are. I also know that people are a lot more forgiving than you might give them credit for, understanding too. Aria said almost the same thing as you just did about the whole asexual thing. He thought it was the one thing that defined him, that made him rotten and that if anyone knew about it they’d hate him. He was pushed into making that video, but it’s done nothing but good for him, as a YouTuber and as a person.”

“I know, but that’s different.”

“Yes and no. You’d get different shit, and I’m not going to bullshit you by suggesting it will all be good. There will be haters—there are always haters—but their voices can be drown out. We can talk to Amara’s PR people and they’ll make sure to get the best spin. People will stand behind you, I know it.”

Drew leaned back and brushed the hair from Jay’s face. Jay turned away.

“You hate yourself, don’t you? You blame yourself for what happened and believe all the shit that was said about you at the time by ignorant assholes who had no idea what you’d been through. You believe them even though there were far, far more people on your side.”

Jay shrugged again.

“You’re not a bad person. Nowhere close. The things you did were—”

“Evil,” Jay broke in. “The things I did were sick and evil.” Their face twisted, disgust written all over it. “I don’t deserve anything I have…or anyone. I don’t deserve friends. They don’t deserve friends like me who will only bring them down. I’m filth. I’m just a pile of shit covered with glitter but—”

“Stop it.” Drew caught Jay’s wrists to stop them tearing at their hair and face. He was too late to stop their nails raking deep grooves in their forehead. “Stop.”

Jay still wouldn’t look at Drew, but they drew themselves up and clearly made an effort to take deep breaths and calm down.

“Now listen. You deserve everything you have and more. I don’t pretend to understand what you do, but I know you work hard at it, just like Aria does. If you’re successful it’s because you’ve worked for it, and because people like what you do. That’s all about you. As for Aria and Amara. I think they’re damn lucky to have a friend like you. Where would they be now, if not for you?”

“They’d have been fine.” Jay mumbled. “They’ll always be fine.”

“Maybe, but they wouldn’t be here right now. Not here, with us.”

Jay shook their head and turned away again.

“It might be good for you to talk about it,” Drew said, pressing on when Jay tensed. “Sometimes it makes things easier when you talk to someone who isn’t close to the situation and won’t judge. Maybe you can get some clarity, a different perspective.”

Jay snorted but sighed and rested their cheek against the back of the seat, facing away from Drew. After a long silence they started to speak in a flat, dead voice that had hardly any hint of Jay in it at all.

“I was twelve when they took me. It was a trafficking ring, but I had no idea what that even was. All I knew was that I trusted someone who betrayed me and suddenly I was in the back of a van with five other boys just like me, and we were being taken away from everything. They took us to France first, through the tunnel. I don’t know why no one looked in the back of the van, but they didn’t. I have no idea where they went on the other side. We seemed to have been cooped up in the van for days with no food and very little water. I only knew we were in France because I heard people talking and recognized the accents.

“Then the van stopped and we were dragged out by three men, all yelling at us. I didn’t get a good look at where we were but it turned out to be a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. As soon as we got through the door, they started “training” us.” Jay swallowed hard, and Drew’s hands itched to pull them close and hug them tight. He’d had some involvement in infiltrating and helping the police take down trafficking rings and he knew full when what the “training” entailed.

“I’m sorry about that. Jay,” Drew said, keeping his voice calm and hoping it would help Jay move on and not dwell too much on that part of his story.

Jay shivered and shrugged. “We were there for about six months. I turned thirteen, but I didn’t know it. After that, we were split up. I don’t know what happened to the others, I never saw any of them again. I was taken to a small airport and put on a private jet. I was told I’d been bought and paid for and I was to do everything my new master told me, or they’d find me and kill me. I believed them.”

“Damn,” Drew swore softly and this time gave in to his impulse to pull Jay close and hug them tight against him. Jay was shivering and Drew was in half a mind to fetch a blanket to wrap them in but was afraid that if he broke the moment, Jay would close down again. “Go on.”

“There’s not much to tell, really. You know what goes on, Drew. I was treated well as long as I did what I was told and I learned fast that bad things happened when I didn’t. I was treated quite well on the whole, better than I expected. My “master” was fabulously rich but not much into sex, so he didn’t want me for that. I was basically an ornament, just like the Ming vase in the hallway or the Monet on the wall in the sitting room. He was an American, and so were all his friends, so I assumed I was in America. As long as I behaved well, I was looked after. I had the best of everything – clothes, food, even a valet to take care of me.”

“What happened?”

“How do you know something happened?”

“You’re here,” Drew said simply. He knew how things went. If his “master” liked young boys decorating his home, when they ceased being young enough they were sold on. They never went back. He cradled Jay, gently rocking him. The shaking wasn’t easing. In fact, it was increasing and Drew worried about Jay becoming hysterical. He’d seen the file, he knew what came next, did he really need to hear it.

Jay chuckled. “Yeah, I am, aren’t I.”

“You don’t have to go on. I saw the file. I know what happened.”

“No, you don’t. I need to tell you.”

“Okay, whatever you need. But hang on just a sec.” Drew stretched over and grabbed a neatly folded throw, then wrapped it around Jay.

“Thank you,” they mumbled, as Drew settled down again, adjusting his hold so he was supporting Jay but not restraining them.

Jay heaved a sigh that rocked their entire body. When they’d been silent for a long while, especially as their body had started to relax against Drew’s chest, Drew began to wonder if they’d fallen asleep.

“I couldn’t do it, Drew,” Jay murmured at last, taking Drew by surprise. “I had the best of everything, spoiled, praised, petted, but I wasn’t free. My entire life was dictated by someone else, and if I got it wrong I’d be thrown in a cellar, just to remind me of my place. Sometimes I was locked in there for days, in complete darkness with no food and only a little water. That was usually after I tried to run away. Mostly I’d get a few slaps and a couple of hours, or a night, in the cellar. They told me there were rats and spiders and if I moved around too much I’d be bitten. I did hear things, movement in the darkness, but I never saw anything, so I don’t know if they were real or in my mind. I believed though, and I was terrified.”

“I understand,” Drew murmured. “I’ve had my time sitting in the dark and listening to the wildlife closing in.”

“I couldn’t stop,” Jay said, a hitch in their voice. “I couldn’t stop running away. I hated being there. I hated being told what to do and I hated him. He could be so nice, sometimes he even seemed to care, but when I displeased him he changed, like he was a completely different person. His eyes were so cold and when he told me he would kill me if I didn’t behave myself, I believed him, but I just couldn’t stop.”

Jay sniffed and their whole body heaved with a shuddering sigh.

“Do you want to take a break? I could make tea. It would warm you up.”

Jay shook their head against Drew’s chest. “No. I want to go on, to get it over with.”

“I understand. Take your time.”

Drew wondered how the twins were, whether they were worried. Jeff would keep them calm, but he didn’t like the fact that he’d left them fretting. They’d know there was something wrong, if nothing else because of his cagey attitude. Maybe he should have been more honest with them, but it wasn’t his place to tell them anything about Jay. It was up to Jay to tell them as much as they wanted.

“I pissed him off one time too many. I broke some valuable antiques in an escape attempt, and he was furious. He told me he’d had enough of me and I wasn’t worth the trouble. I was thrown in the cellar, literally. I found out later that I’d fractured my arm, but I didn’t know it then. All I knew was that it bloody hurt. Everything hurt. I was a fourteen-year-old kid who was still twelve in his head, who believed his only value was how pretty he was, although I’d already started to get uncomfortable with presenting as a boy. I used to look at the pretty dresses at the balls and parties my master held and wish I could try them on. I asked my master for makeup but he flatly refused. He liked pretty boys, not pretty girls or anything in between.”

Drew had been utterly shocked by the contents of the folder he’d found and a small part of that was discovering Jay’s biological gender. He would never have dreamed of asking and hadn’t given it much thought, but if pressed he’d have been inclined to say that Jay had been born a girl. Maybe there was something in him he needed to examine a little closer. Not that it had made any difference, and neither would it have if he’d discovered sooner, but he was disappointed in himself for the assumptions he’d made and the fact he’d made them in the first place.

“You do know there’s nothing wrong in that, right? I mean, in liking what you like and being who you are.”

Jay chuckled. “Don’t worry Drew. I might be screwed up in many respects, but not that. I know who I am and I’m happy with it. Well, the gender part of it anyway.

“All of it, Jay. You’re a beautiful person all the way through. Don’t forget that.”

Jay huffed. “You don’t know the half of it.”

“No, and you don’t have to tell me, but if you do I know it won’t change my mind about you.”

Jay drew back slightly so they could tilt their head back and gaze up at Drew. “Do you know what I did?” They sounded so lost and confused, Drew wanted to hug them until their bones creaked, but that would have been disastrous. Instead, he brushed the crazy-coloured hair back from Jay’s face and tried to project sincerity.

“Yes. I didn’t read the whole story, but I can guess. It wasn’t your fault.”

Jay chuckled again, a hollow, empty sound that made Drew’s stomach churn. “But it was, Drew. It was. You’ve no idea what a bad person I am, the things I’ve done.”

“I’m a soldier, Jay. I was in special ops. You’ve no idea what I’ve done either.” Drew couldn’t help a shudder pass through him as flashes of memory caught him unaware.

Jay frowned. “I forgot,” they said. They frowned, their eyes misting with deep thought. “Maybe you would understand.”

“You’ll only know if you tell me, but I was placed in terrible situations, and had to do terrible things. Some of them would shock the hell out of you. I’m sure of that. On the other hand, it takes a hell of a lot to shock me—apart from the twins. They shock me on a daily basis.”

For the first time, Jay smiled. It was a small, bleak smile but a smile nevertheless.

“Yes, they can be shocking, can’t they. And you don’t know half of it yet.”

Drew was genuinely alarmed. “What do you mean?”

“The twins have…interesting lives. We all do. It can get crazy.”

“Even crazier than it already has been?”

“Oh yes. Wait until throw a party and you get to meet the rest of our friends. Or when they take you to some of their other homes.”

“Other homes?”

Jay gave a far more genuine smile and patted his cheek. “You poor, innocent child. You’re in for such a shock once they start properly absorbing you into their lives. I hope your heart can take it.”

Drew couldn’t help but wonder the same thing.”

The smiled dropped and Jay cuddled in again, hiding their face. “You know I killed someone, right?”

“I’ve killed more.”

Jay’s body jerked, but they didn’t raise their face. “Yeah, but that’s allowed, isn’t it? Expected. Soldiers are supposed to kill people, not pathetic little whores, bought and sold. Owned.”

“We all do what we have to, and if I hear you call yourself a “pathetic little whore” again, I’ll confiscate your makeup for a month.”

Jay glanced up again, their face set in lines of pain. “That’s what I was.”

“No. Never. You’ve never been pathetic and what happened to you wasn’t your fault. What happened to you wasn’t whoring, it was rape. Every time.”

Jay heaved and Drew thought they were going to be sick. The shaking started again, deep within and radiating outward. “I haven’t… No one ever… Oh God. Oh God.” They pushed away from Drew and ran for the bathroom. They didn’t make it, falling to their knees in the kitchen and vomiting on the linoleum. It flickered through Drew’s mind that it was a good think they’d missed the carpet.

Drew crouched next to Jay, rubbing their back and murmuring crap. When they’d done, he took them into his arms and held them while they sobbed.”