A Different Love - 8. Chapter 8

It was Tuesday afternoon and my date with Connor was fast approaching. I felt sick with nervous anticipation, and my stomach was churning over and over as I tried desperately to overcome my feelings of fear and excitement. My hair was still damp from the long bath I’d just taken and now here I was, standing in front of my open wardrobe dressed only in briefs, wondering what on earth I was going to wear. An overpowering smell of deodorant pervaded the air and I knew that as soon as I walked into the lounge mum would ask if I’d bathed in it. I had to admit it was complete overkill, but I was so determined to make a good impression that common sense had obviously gone straight out of the window. It was ridiculously early to get ready anyway, but I couldn’t help it, preferring instead to make sure I had plenty of time in case something should go wrong.

Finally, I selected a pair of black jeans and a casual grey striped shirt that I hadn’t worn before, hoping it would be enough to impress Connor. Although he was the one that had asked me out, I was still incredibly nervous about my first proper date and fully aware that I was completely inexperienced at this sort of thing. Surely the fact that he’d agreed to take things slowly was a good sign, proving he was prepared to wait until I felt ready to take things further. In reality, I was desperate to rip his clothes off and make passionate love to him at the first opportunity, but my cautious nature and fear of the unknown demanded that I take things slowly.

I really liked him from the first time we met but was way too scared to do anything about it. I was thrilled and flattered when he asked me out, jumping at the chance of a date with such a good-looking guy. Hopefully the relationship would eventually lead to my first sexual encounter and I was happy that the moment I’d dreamt of a million times before would be spent with Connor.

It was 4:30 by now and I took a final glance in the mirror, satisfied at last with the image that stared back at me. I didn’t brush up too badly at all, I thought to myself, grinning at my uncharacteristic show of vanity. More importantly though, Connor would hopefully think so too!

Before long I knew that I would have to face all the questions that would come from mum and dad when they found out I had a date. There was no way I could leave without saying goodbye and as soon as they saw how much effort I’d made, they would know for sure it was a special occasion.

For the moment however, I could at least attempt to relax, and I sat down in a chair by the window, beginning to absent-mindedly thumb through the pages of an old classic car magazine. I soon discovered there was no way I could concentrate,and my thoughts constantly returned to Connor and the rather shy and reticent way that he’d asked me out. My response had been an overwhelming yes and I could still see his face light up as my enthusiastic response sank in. I think he was slightly older than me and perhaps thought I would decline his invitation, preferring instead to date someone nearer my own age.

Suddenly there was a beep, beep sound and my mobile phone, sitting on the bedside table beside me, began to vibrate. As I picked it up and saw the name Connor slowly disappearing off the screen, I smiled and eagerly displayed the message.

‘Just making sure we’re still on for 2nite? Connor xx’

I smiled excitedly and quickly punched in a reply.

‘Definitely! Can’t wait. See you at 7:30. Jason xx’

I was even more thrilled and excited to realise that he must be thinking about me in the same way I was thinking about him and I couldn’t wait for 7:30 to arrive.

Eventually I realised it was a complete waste of time trying to read the magazine and decided it was probably for the best to face mum and dad head on and get all the questions out of the way. With a final look in the mirror, I headed for the lounge and stopped dead with my hand on the door, mentally preparing myself for the barrage of questions that were sure to follow. Slowly drawing in a deep breath and momentarily closing my eyes, I pushed it firmly open and fixed a wide smile on my face.

Dad was sitting in his chair by the fire and mum was relaxing on the sofa, sipping a hot cup of tea. The television was on but neither of them appeared to be watching and they both gave me a look of wide-eyed surprise as I nonchalantly asked a question.

“Anything interesting on?”

“Blimey Jason! You look smart” dad spluttered, doing a double take “What’s the occasion?”

“Nothing special” I replied, trying to keep the nervous apprehension out of my voice “I’m just going out”

“I’ve never seen that shirt before” came mum’s puzzled response “Is it new?”

“Not really” I casually replied, trying to appear unperturbed.

“Not really!”echoed dad, chuckling to himself “What does that mean? Either it is or it isn’t!”

“Well ok then, it’s new” I reluctantly admitted “But it’s no big deal. You never know who I might meet”

“I’d say it’s a question of who you’ve already met” cut in mum, going straight to the truth with her usual unerring sense of perception.

She laughed to herself and shook her head, unable to keep the mirth out of her voice. “And you’re supposed to put water in the bath Jason, not deodorant. You’ll gas the poor girl!”

“You’re meeting a girl?” cut in dad excitedly, as though it was beyond the realms of possibility “Who is it lad? What’s her name?”

I took a deep breath and sighed before answering, hating the fact that I had to lie through my teeth. “Her name is...erm...Connie” I stuttered, getting as near to the truth as possible.

“Ooh that’s a lovely name” mum said “Where did you meet her?”

“In town...erm...in a pub”

“It is a date then?” dad exclaimed, still in an excited voice “You’re going on a date!”

There was a definite pause before the word going and I could almost hear him add ‘actually’ to the sentence.

“Of course he is?” cut in Mum, immediately trying to lessen the impact of dad’s unspoken implication. “There’s nothing strange about that!”

For a split second, an involuntary look of surprise passed between them that suggested exactly the opposite and I quickly decided it was best to ignore it.

“Well yeah, I suppose you could call it that”

“There you go again lad” protested dad impatiently, with his usual urgency to know the full facts “Is it a date or not?”

“I supp.....Well yes then, ok, it is”

Dad nodded his satisfaction at finally being able to extract a straight reply from me and mum continued with the interrogation. “When are you meeting her love?”

“Oh not ‘til 7:30”

“InHamborough though, not here” I added hastily, anticipating what would’ve been the next question.

“What is she like son, this Connie?” Dad asked.

I longed to give them a detailed description of Connor’s rugged good looks and muscular body, but instead I struggled to think of someone I could describe in his place. Finally, I settled on Sarah, a girl from work.

“Well.......she’s really pretty” I began haltingly

“That goes without saying!” Dad immediately interrupted, chuckling to himself “You’re a good-looking lad Jason, she’s bound to be a stunner!”

“Give over dad!” I exclaimed, immediately beginning to blush.

“SshBill!” said mum, gently scoldinghim “Can’t you see, you’re embarrassing the lad”

She turned back towards me with an encouraging smile “Go on love, take no notice”

“Well......she’s really pretty” I began again falteringly “long brown hair, blue eyes......”

My voice trailed off as I struggled to find something else to say. It was one thing lying through your teeth but as I was painfully aware, the more detail you gave, the more you had to remember.

“Where are you meeting her love?” mum continued

I was back on safe ground now and didn’t mind elaborating slightly. “Oh, just a pub in Hamborough. It’s called the Rose and Crown”

“Oh, I know it” chipped in dad. He winked at me and a wry smile spread across his face “I’ve met plenty of girls in there myself!”

Mum pretended to ignore him, but a smile played around her lips and I wondered what she was thinking.

“Well you have a good night anyway love. And say hello to Connie from us”

My heart sank and I felt all the more wretched for having to lie “I will mum, thanks”

“What time are you leaving son?” asked dad, tapping his watch to emphasise what he was saying “You don’t want to be late, you know. First proper date!”

“It’s ok dad. I’m leaving at half past five. That should give me plenty of time”

In reality I didn’t need to leave quite so early. I would only be hanging around in Hamborough with nothing to do and at that time in the evening all the shops would be closed. I had a pathological fear of being late though and for some inexplicable reason I wanted to be in the pub before Connor arrived. Mum’s question interrupted my thoughts and for a second or two her words didn’t register.

“Can I get you anything to eat before you go Jason?"

My stomach was still having its own private gymnastics session and there was no way I could eat a thing. “No, I’m fine, thanks mum. I might get something later”

“Ok love, as long as you’re sure”

Finally, the questions began to dry up and I sat down on the sofa, pretending to watch the television. If anyone had asked me about the programme that was on, I wouldn’t have had a single clue, as all I could do was watch the painfully slow progress of the clock as it crawled past 5pm. I tried to ignore it on several occasions, but each time my eyeswere drawn towards it, hardly more than a minute had passed by. Eventually, after what seemed like an age, it registered 5:29 and I counted the last sixty seconds in my mind, grateful that at last it was time to go. My earlier feelings of nervous excitement still persisted, but at least now I could finally get going.

“Right! It’s time to go” I announced, quickly standing up.

Suddenly needing a last-minute boost of confidence, I glanced at them with a slight look of embarrassment on my face. “Do you think I look ok?”

“Of course you do” they both chorused together, smiling broadly.

I didn’t really expect them to say anything different, but it was nice to have them confirm it.

“Just make sure you have a good night Jason, that’s all” mum said, repeating what she’d said earlier on.

Dad echoed her sentiment and followed it up with a lewd wink and a knowing smile. “Take care son” he chuckled to himself “And don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

I shook my head and laughed at the irony of his remark, wondering if he’d be so happy and jocular if he knew my date was with a man.

“I’m not sure when I’ll be home”

“Ok son, but make sure you lock the door behind you when you come in”

“Yeah, I will. Bye then”

They both said goodbye and as I passed through the kitchen, I couldn’t help checking my hair in the mirror yet again, anxiously making sure that it still looked ok.

The front door shut firmly behind me as I stepped outside and headed across the village green towards the bus stop. Although it was almost winter the weather was still quite mild and I was glad that I’d decided to wear a lighterjacket. I would probably regret it later on if it turned cooler, but for some inexplicable reason a jacket seemed much more appropriate than a heavy coat.

I was glad there was no one I knew waiting at the bus stop, as I was far too preoccupied with my own thoughts to make any attempts at polite conversation. All I wanted was the bus to arrive as soon as possible, but unfortunately, they had a habit of turning up whenever they liked.

There were two different buses that travelled between Dryford and Hamborough. The local one called at every stop and seemed to take forever, before eventually terminating at the bus station on the far side of town. The other one was an express service calling at only a few main stops and was considerably quicker. According to the fading timetable in the bus shelter, the next one to arrive should be a local bus. Normally, I always tried to avoid them, preferring instead to arrive in Hamborough as quickly as possible. Tonight however, it was just the opposite and I looked forward to the long ride into town.

About five minutes later a bus slowly rounded the corner and with a swish of air brakes, drew slowly to a halt. Luckily it was the local one and would take at least forty-five minutes to reach the bus station in Hamborough.

A second or two later the door opened, and the driver smiled and gave me a questioning glance.

“A return to Hamborough please” I said, stepping aboard.

I handed over the money as the machine produced a ticket and half ran down the aisle as the bus pulled sharply away. The longer journey allowed me some time to put things in perspective and I kept telling myself it was only a date and if it didn’t work out, then so be it? Even though he’d seemed nervous when he asked me,I wasn’t naive enough to think that Connor was a stranger to dating and would almost certainly have had previous relationships. With his good looks and cool confident manner, he could have had any guy he wanted, but the fact was he’d chosen me and that had to mean something.

In what seemed like an incredibly short space of time we pulled into Hamborough bus station and I waited for all the other passengers to alight. As soon as I stepped off, my newfound resolve vanished into thin air and all my earlier worries and fears came flooding back to haunt me. With a huge effort, I quickly pushed them aside, determined to enjoy my evening with Connor. The church clock had just passed 6:30pm as I started to walk slowly back into town.

It was that reasonably quiet time of day when the majority of people were home from work, yet it was still too early for the evening crowd to materialise. The short winter day had given way to nightfall and the lights fromshop windows merged with streetlamps to cast a bright glow on the darkened footpaths. The Rose and Crown public house was a ten minute walk away in the old part of town and by the time I’d dawdled along, absent-mindedly looking at the displays in countless shop windows, it was almost half an hour later.

Eventually I stood in front of the half-timbered building, marvelling as usual at the lop-sided door frame and ancient brickwork. A blue plaque on the wall informed anyone interested that it had once been the home of a famous local architect and along with several other structures lining this side of the street, was a listed building. My heart began beating faster as I pushed open the door, hoping that Connor hadn’t got there before me.

It was virtually deserted inside, and I heaved a sigh of relief as the excited pounding in my chest began to ease. It was the usual barmaid and I returned her smile of familiarity with a nervous grin of acknowledgement.

“Hello love, I haven’t seen you in here for a while”

My hands shook as I nervously lit a cigarette and before I had a chance to reply, a look of understanding dawned on her face.

“Ah, but I suppose you’ll be more of a regular customer across the road now” she carried on in a low voice, winking at me knowingly.

I gave her an embarrassed smile and managed to convey my agreement without actuallysaying anything. She tilted her head enquiringly at the beer pumps before reaching for a glass.

“Pint is it?”

“Yes please”

I studied her friendly face and suddenly realised I owed her a lot more than an embarrassed silence. If it wasn’t for her, I might still be sitting in the corner, enviously watching the comings and goings across the road.More importantly, I would never have met Connor in the first place. It still took a lot of courage to talk about it though and taking a large gulp of beer, I swallowed nervously and in the same low voice, hesitantly began.

“I erm just wanted to say....”

There was a pause as I struggled to go on and she looked at me expectantly. My thank you, when it eventually came, tumbled out in a rush of words and the relief in my voice must have been evident.

“I just need to thank you” I began, as a look of surprise spread across her face “For encouraging me to go across the road in the first place, I mean”

“You’re obviously glad you did” she replied, gently patting my hand “But there’s no need to thank me, I only encouraged you to do what you would’ve eventually done yourself”

“It was the push I needed though” I answered, half to myself.

“Look, can I buy you a drink?” I asked her “You know, to say thank you”

“That’s very nice of you” she replied “But there’s really no need”

“Please, I want to!”

She sighed loudly but I was determined to thank her somehow for what she’d done. Finally, with a slow shake of her head she reluctantly agreed. “Well just a small gin and tonic then”

“Of course, no problem”

I handed over the money and waited whilst she returned with my change. As I turned around, about to find a seat, she suddenly called me back.

“Look I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be too familiar but erm, well I don’t even know your name!”

“Oh yeah sorry, it’s Jason”

“I’m Liz” she replied, before hesitantly continuing “Look Jason...as I said, I don’t mean to be nosy and just tell me to mind my own business if you like, but erm...what brings you back in here instead of across the road?…. Not that you aren’t welcome of course” she added hastily “It’s really nice to see you again”

I gave asigh of resignation but there was no point in dodging the question as she would soon work it out for herself anyway. I might as well answer her now and get it over with. It proved to be decidedly difficult to actually say the words though and I gulped, nervously awaiting her reaction. I was so used to keeping every aspect of my sexuality a secret that sharing it with anyone, never mind a virtual stranger, was a completely alien concept. Despite the beer, my mouth had gone bone dry and I had trouble meeting her enquiring gaze. Eventually I managed to answer, but not before my heart began to race and every emotion inside me threatened to overflow.

“Oh, I....erm....I’m meeting someone” I replied, desperately trying to appear casual and relaxed, as though it was the most natural thing in the world.

“You mean a.......”

“Yeah, a guy” I laughed nervously, finishing off her sentence.

“Oh, I’m so glad it worked out for you” she whispered, immediately intrigued “What’s his name?”

I looked around to make sure no one else was listening and leant over the bar slightly before continuing in a discreet whisper. A rush of pride swept over me and I couldn’t keep the smile off my face.

“Connor!” I revealed as my heart leapt “His name is Connor”

Another customer called her from the far end of the bar and as she turned around to serve him, she mouthed the words ‘Hope it goes well Jason’ and I was relieved to know that at least one person understood.

Glancing around the room, I chose a seat directly across from the door so I would know the second that Connor arrived. It was just after ten past seven by the clock on the wall and I jumped slightly when my mobile phone beeped to warn me that a message had been received. My heart sank like a stone as Connor’s name appeared in the display and for a second or two I froze, unable to read it. Was this the point where he decided to cancel our date and make some pathetic excuse, or would he simply tell the truth and say that he no longer wanted to see me.

“You’d better find out what it says” a voice behind me suddenly echoed in my head “It’s bound to be important if it’s from Connor”

I jumped slightly and sighed with resignation as Liz’s voice invaded my thoughts. With shaking fingers and a heavy heart, I reluctantly opened the message.

‘Running a bit late. See you soon. Connor xx”

I knew she was looking over my shoulder, but I didn’t mind as it was actually a relief to have someone supporting me.

“Didn’t think he’d let you down!” she remarked, as I gave an enormous sigh of relief.