A Different Love - 35. Chapter 35

We left the swimming baths about 10:30 for the short drive back to Cranfield. The phone call had clearly upset him and he was quiet and withdrawn all the way back. I tried to make light hearted conversation to lift his gloomy mood but it fell on deaf ears and eventually I remained silent, feeling it best to leave him to his own thoughts.

He’d left the central heating switched on in the flat and warm air immediately surrounded us as we stepped inside. I sat down at the breakfast bar and watched him cracking eggs into a bowl as he busied himself making the omelettes. His sadness seemed to have been replaced by anger and he furiously beat the eggs, spilling them over the side of the bowl. Cursing loudly, he reached for a cloth and cleaned up the mess, throwing it roughly in the direction of the sink. I opened my mouth to ask if he needed any help and promptly closed it again as he took a small kitchen knife from the draw and began roughly chopping mushrooms. My heart began to beat slightly faster as I sensed danger ahead and sure enough a few seconds later he gave a yelp of pain and blood began to drip rapidly on to the work surface. His finger was bleeding profusely and as I rushed to his aid, he stood there in stunned silence, a look of surprise and pain etched across his face. Quickly grabbing his hand, I pulled him towards the sink and turned on the tap. Cold water gushed onto his finger and he visibly stiffened with shock. Swirling pools of pale red liquid began forming in the bottom of the sink as the dripping blood mixed with water, before rapidly disappearing down the plughole. After a while I turned off the tap and grabbed some kitchen paper hanging from a roll, deftly wrapping a piece around his finger.

“Hold it upwards” I urged him “It’ll help to stop the bleeding”

I wasn't sure if this was fact or fiction but it was what my mother always said in such situations. He did as I said and meekly sat down on a bar stool in the corner. Blood was slowly beginning to seep through the paper towel and I gazed at him worriedly.

“If it doesn’t stop bleeding you’ll have to go to hospital”

He nodded in silent acknowledgement and after a while I carefully removed the sheet of paper and replaced it with another one. I ran the knife under the tap to clean it and couldn’t help noticing how sharp it was.

“I don’t think it’s bleeding quite so much now Jase” he said in a relieved voice “Can you go in that drawer and get me a plaster”

By the time I’d found the box of plasters, his anger and frustration seemed to have dissipated and he gazed at me sheepishly.

“Sorry Jase, that was a stupid thing to do”

The bleeding appeared to have virtually stopped and as I passed him a plaster he gingerly wrapped it around his finger, wincing with pain as it came into contact with his skin.

“Better get on with these omelettes” he said “I’m starving”

“Yeah, me too.” I agreed “Do you want me to cut the mushrooms this time?”

“No it’s ok, I’ll do them!" he said, laughing sheepishly

"Promise me you'll take care this time then?" I said, shaking my head in admonishment "That's a very sharp knife!"

"Yeah course, I was just a bit upset that's all"

I opened my mouth to ask why but quickly shut it again as I gazed at the knife in front of him. Better to let him concentrate this time until he'd finished using it!

"Will you set the table Jase? Knives and forks are in there” He pointed to a drawer next to the one I’d got the plasters from. “Plates are underneath”

“Yeah ok”

“I never even asked if you like mushrooms” he said suddenly

“I love them” I answered, laughing “But preferably without blood”

He grinned back at me and I was pleased that he seemed to be back to his old self. A short while later the omelettes were ready and we sat down at the table opposite each other and tucked in to them hungrily.

“That was delicious” I said, laying down my knife and fork on the empty plate "You're a really good cook Nathan"

“I’m glad you enjoyed it” he answered, clearly pleased at my praise “It’s not so much fun cooking for one” His eyes suddenly brightened and he gestured excitedly. “Hey! Tell you what, I’ll make us a proper meal one night if you like?”

My heart pounded as I thought about Connor and the meal he’d cooked for me. “That’d be great. I’ll hold you to that”

His face became serious once again and I hoped he wasn’t about to slip back into his earlier, melancholy frame of mind.

“I’m sorry about before Jase...ignoring you” he began hesitantly “It wasn’t fair on you”

“Don’t worry about it” I reassured him “You obviously had a lot on your mind”

“I was so wrapped up in my own problems; I couldn’t even be bothered to speak to you on the way home”

I gave a slight frown and gazed at him thoughtfully, glad that he’d brought the subject up again. Was now the time to try and convince him to confide in me? There was only one way to find out and I tentatively broached the subject again.

“You know if you want to talk about it Naith” I urged him “I meant what I said before, I’m more than willing to listen”

My breathing came in short bursts and my heart beat slightly faster as I waited for his response. Hopefully this time there wouldn’t be any interruptions and he might feel more like confiding in me. After what seemed like an age he gave a deep sigh and glanced at me worriedly.

"Look Jase..." he began hesitantly. “Since we met, we've become really good friends, right?”

"Yeah, of course. The best!"

I looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue. My enthusiastic response seemed to give him the confidence to go on and he chewed his bottom lip apprehensively

"So it should be ok to tell you anything then?"

I wondered what was coming next and gulped nervously, feeling guilty about my own massive secret.

"Yeah, of course Nathan"

“The thing is Jason, you'll probably think I'm a right bastard when you find out what I did”

My heart began beating faster, doubtful he could say anything that would change my feelings towards him.

“Tell me then Nathan, I’m sure it’s not that bad”

There was a long pause whilst he decided how to begin and he glanced at me doubtfully. When he finally began to talk his voice wavered with emotion.

“The phone call at the swimming pool…….it was Jemma”

“Your girlfriend Jemma?”

“Ex girlfriend!” he reminded me firmly

“You’re still in touch with her?”

“Unfortunately, I have to be”

“Why? I asked naively, not realising what the most obvious reason was.

“She’s the mother of my daughter!”

My eyes opened wide and I gaped at him in shock, totally bowled over by his revelation. Looking back, I don’t know why it came as such a surprise. He was almost 21 and could easily have been a father, but for some reason it just seemed so unlikely.

“You’ve got a daughter!!”

“You sound surprised”

“No sorry Naith….I mean….I didn’t mean it to sound like that….It just came as a shock, that’s all.”

“Don’t worry about it Jase” he interrupted, shaking his head “It came as a shock to me too”

“What did she say on the phone?”

The glint of tears appeared in his eyes and he took a deep breath before answering. His hand shook slightly and he began nervously chewing a fingernail.

“The thing is Jase, I won’t get to see my little girl before Christmas now”

His heartbroken voice immediately told me how much he was hurting “But why?”

He stared into space, continuing in a choked voice as though he hadn’t heard me. Although he tried to hide it, I could see how much of a struggle it was for him to hold back the tears.

“It was all arranged. I was going down to London next Thursday to see her”

He nodded towards the bedroom and shook his head miserably “I’ve got her a bag full of presents. I was going to take her to see Father Christmas and everything!”

He couldn't hold back his emotions any longer and as the tears began to slowly run down his cheeks, I felt incredibly sorry for him, feeling his pain as if it were my own.

“I’m really sorry Naith” I said, knowing it would be nigh on impossible to console him “You must be absolutely gutted”

He didn't need to answer and I moved my chair to the other end of the table to be near him. Determined to comfort him, I put my arm around his shoulder and as he moved closer it quickly became a full on hug. His body was racked with sobs and I held on tightly for as long as I dared, until his chest finally stopped its incessant heaving. We slowly pulled apart and as he smiled at me gratefully, I tentatively urged him on.

“So when will you get to see her now?”

“Oh, it's gonna be some time after Christmas” he replied bitterly “Whenever she decides I can, I suppose”

“How come there’s been a sudden change of plan?”

“They were going to Jemma’s parents on Christmas Eve” he explained “But now they’ve asked her to go next week! Can you believe it!”

I shook my head in silent amazement, wondering how she could be so cruel at Christmas time. "Surely she can't do that to you?"

"Oh believe me Jason, she can"

"But what about her parent’s house, wouldn't they let you go there?”

He grimaced and shook his head in despair. "I'm not welcome there. They wouldn't allow it. And anyway, they're probably behind it in the first place!"

"I see. It's that bad is it?"

He took a deep intake of breath and drew it out slowly "They always blamed me for the break up you see"

He closed his eyes as he relived the memory and shook his head in self disgust. Staring into the distance he laughed mirthlessly and shrugged his shoulders in defeat.

"The thing is, they were right. It was my fault. The whole sorry mess!"

"Why, what happened?"

"I left her" he said simply. "But worst of all, I left my daughter too!"

There was silence as the reality of what he’d done once again overwhelmed him and the tears ran down his flushed face. "So you see Jase, I'm not the nice person you think I am"

"Don't say that Naith, it's not true! I'm sure you had good reason to do what you did. I can tell that you think the world of her"

From the look of self loathing on his face it was easy to see he blamed himself totally and I wondered if it really was all down to him.

“You must miss her terribly” I murmured quietly, attempting to console him “But you’ll see her after Christmas”

“It’s not the same though, is it?” he muttered dejectedly.

I had to admit that it wasn’t and felt utterly powerless to ease his suffering.

“How old is she Naith?” I asked, desperately hoping a change of tack would help.

“She’s five at the end of January” he replied, visibly cheering up as he began talking about her.

A wide smile spread across his face and he wiped away the tears and stood up, pointing towards the sofa.

"C'mon Jase, let's sit down and I'll tell you all about it“

We relaxed on the comfortable sofa and I could tell how relieved he was, finally able to talk about a subject he'd obviously bottled up for so long.

"Her name’s Annie” he volunteered, continuing where we'd left off.

A note of pride had crept into his voice that I hadn't heard before and I felt privileged that he was sharing what was obviously an important part of his life.

“That’s a lovely name”

“Yeah, it was my grandmothers"

He gave a small laugh, recalling his stubbornness on the subject "Jemma wanted to call her Naomi, but in the end I persuaded her not to. She probably hates me for it now!"

"I'm sure she doesn't Naith. Annie's a beautiful name"

He smiled at me gratefully and I quickly continued, realising from the expression on his face that the threat of further tears was never far away.

“So how often do you normally get to see her?”

“I take her out for the day about once a month" he explained sadly "That's all Jemma will allow”

The pain and anguish in his eyes was evident and I realised how difficult it was for him to talk about. I hesitated slightly before asking the next question, wondering if he would want to talk about something so personal.

“You must have been pretty young when you erm…”

“Yeah, I was” he confirmed with a slight smile of embarrassment “It was the first time I’d ever…..well you know…...?”

I smiled at him encouragingly, hoping he would go on. After a few seconds pause he did and I listened with interest.

“I was only fifteen” he continued mournfully “I nearly collapsed with shock when she told me!”

“I bet you did!”

I couldn't even begin to imagine what it must have been like. Ever since going on my infamous date with Lucy from school, sex with a girl had never even been on my agenda, let alone being told you were going to be a father at the age of fifteen.

“I met Jemma at school” he went on, as if he knew what I was thinking “We’d been going out together for about a year when it happened”

“It was quite serious then”

“Well, as serious as a school romance can be”

“But still, you were both pretty young to...…you know.....”

“We both agreed it was time” he continued hurriedly, as if to justify their actions “And anyway, all my mates said they’d done it.”

He paused for a moment and a wistful expression spread across his face. “Of course they probably hadn’t, you know how mates exaggerate! But at the time I was young and naive”

He continued talking before I had a chance to interrupt and I couldn't quite believe how candid he was being. I could only put it down to the fact that up until now he probably hadn’t discussed it with anyone else before.

“Up until then we’d only kissed and you know, touched a bit. Then one night my parents were out and we were on our own together watching a film. A couple were making love and although I tried hard to hide it, Jemma couldn't fail to notice my erection. She suddenly reached over and started to undo my trousers……Well the rest’s history as they say”

I listened fascinated as Nathan recalled the details. My mouth had gone dry and I thought how incredibly lucky Jemma was to have been able to seduce him like that.

“So you didn’t use any protection then?” I asked him incredulously

“We did. But obviously we weren’t very experienced” he said regretfully “I think the condom must have split or come off, something like that anyway!”

I tried to hide a slight smile but he immediately noticed. “It’s not funny” he protested, unable to hide his own smile

“I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t laugh. But you're supposed to put it all the way on!”

He punched my shoulder in mock retaliation “Oh very funny! Keeping my trousers all the way on would have been a better idea” he said, with a shake of his head.

“So how did your parents react when they found out?”

“Dad went ballistic at first, but he slowly came round in the end. By the time Annie was born we’d both left school and he set us up with a place of our own and gave me a job at the factory”

“At least he supported you then”

“Yeah, he was really good to us. I think mum persuaded him a lot though. They’d always liked Jemma and they absolutely adored Annie. We all did”

“She must be really special to you”

That same wide smile lit up his face whenever he spoke about her and the sense of pride was clearly evident in his voice.

“Oh Jase, you can’t imagine how magical it was to watch her growing up" he said "It’s hard to explain. Actually becoming a dad so young was the worst thing that had ever happened to me, but at the same time being a part of Annie's life was the best”

A feeling of incredible sadness suddenly washed over me. The one thing I regretted about being gay was the knowledge that I would never have children and be able to experience the all consuming love that Nathan obviously felt for Annie. He reached for his wallet and took a small photograph out. It was taken in a photo booth and showed Nathan and Annie with their heads pressed against each other grinning happily. She had long blond hair set in ringlets and bore an undeniable likeness to her dad.

“Oh Nathan, she’s absolutely beautiful!"

I handed it back to him and he gazed at it lovingly, a broad smile lighting up his handsome face. “She is” he agreed and his shoulders sagged as the melancholy expression returned to his face. I refused to let him become depressed again and gently tried to encourage him.

“You have to look on the bright side though Naith. At least you haven’t lost all contact with her. I know once a month’s not much but it’s better than nothing. At least she knows who you are”

“Yeah, you’re right Jase.” he said, as the smile returned to his face “It’s definitely better than nothing and I do get the whole day”

I was glad that I’d been able to cheer him up a bit and make him look at the positive side of things.

“Look Jase, You’ll have to come with me when I go next time!” he suggested excitedly “I’d love you to meet her”

I gazed at him uncertainly “I wouldn’t want to impose on your special time with her”

“You wouldn’t be Jase, honest! It'd make the day even more special and I know Annie would love you! Please say you'll come”

My stomach lurched and I couldn’t remember ever feeling this happy before. He looked like an expectant child begging for sweets and there was no way I could deny him.

“Well only if you’re sure”

“That’s settled then” he said happily, before I could protest any further.

I hated to spoil his euphoria but that was obviously not the end of the story and I cautiously continued.

“So what went wrong then Naith? Why did you leave Jemma?”

His face immediately fell and an ashamed look replaced the happy expression.

“It just wasn't working out” he said simply “I left her when Annie was three”

I hated to ask him questions that were obviously painful for him to answer but I couldn't help myself and pressed on.

“But why?” I asked him incredulously “How could you bear to leave Annie when you obviously love her so much”

He gazed at me with a look of sheer anguish on his face and rocked slowly backwards and forwards as he answered.

“I really don’t know......”

The tears ran down his face again as he struggled to finish his sentence and my own eyes were beginning to fill up.

“Believe me Jase, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I had no choice”

I wanted more than anything to take him in my arms and kiss away his tears but this time I held back from physically comforting him, afraid of what might happen if I showed him too much affection.

His emotional outburst showed how raw his feelings still were over Annie and what had happened in his past and I desperately wanted to do all I could to support him.

“Come on Naith, dry your eyes” I coaxed, handing him a tissue "It'll be ok, you'll see"

I suddenly realised that my hand had been on his shoulder the whole time and now he put his hand over mine and squeezed it tight, as if he was afraid I would leave him. He began sobbing once again and I only just managed to hear what he was saying

“I bet you think I’m a right bastard don’t you Jase, leaving her like that with a small child?”

“Look Nathan, I’m not here to judge you. You must have had your reasons”

He laughed bitterly and wiped his eyes with the tissue. “Apart from mum you’re the only one that hasn’t judged me” he said, gradually regaining his composure “Everyone else hated my guts”

“I take it your dad wasn’t too happy then?” I remarked, immediately knowing what the answer would be.

“I don’t think my dad’s been happy with me for years!” he replied despondently.

I gazed at him in puzzlement, wondering what he was getting at “What do you mean Naith?”

He shook his head sadly and when he looked at me his eyes were full of hurt and despair.

"When I look back, I don’t think it was ever quite the same after Becky died. He didn’t directly blame me of course, it was an accident after all”

He gave a deep sigh and gazed at me with a melancholy expression before continuing. “It’s just that.....well......it never felt quite the same, you know.....I’m sure he thought I should have looked after her better. Don’t get me wrong” he went on hurriedly “He never said a word. It was just a feeling....barely that really.....but you know when things are not the same”

He broke off and I nodded, understanding perfectly what he was saying. That was the thing with human interaction. Someone could say or do something and even the slightest nuance or feeling could be picked up on. A sensitive ten year old boy, traumatised by witnessing the accidental death of his sister, would almost certainly notice and it could affect him for the rest of his life.

“Then on top of that there was everything that happened with Jemma. I don’t think he’s ever really forgiven me Jase. He went absolutely crazy when he found out I was leaving her. For a second or two I thought he was actually going to hit me, I've never seen him so mad!”

My eyes widened in shock. No wonder there was so much animosity between them if this was what lay at the root of Nathan's problems with his father. Not only a long held feeling that somehow his dad blamed him for the death of his sister, but also the massive fall out over Nathan's failed relationship with Jemma. For some reason it had angered him so much that they'd almost come to blows. I quickly urged him to tell me more.

“Why, what did he do?”

“For a start off he sacked me from the factory, told me he never wanted to see me again if I didn’t make it up with Jemma. Mum wanted me to come back home for a while until things settled down and everyone was calmer but he wouldn't even let me do that”

The look on his face was heartbreaking and I felt incredibly sorry for him. I was aghast that the Mr. Brown I knew and respected could treat his son so badly. He gazed at me despondently and shook his head in despair.

“The thing was Jemma had already thrown me out” he continued despondently “She told me I’d never be able to see Annie again if I didn’t leave”

“So where did you go?” I asked him incredulously, realising his options must have been limited to say the least.

“I took the coward’s way out and ran away” he explained guiltily “Someone I knew owned a ski chalet in Switzerland. He offered me a job for the winter looking after the guests and I jumped at the chance. I know it sounds selfish but I just had to get away for a while”

"Hardly the coward's way out Nathan. You didn't have much choice, did you? No home, no job!"

"I still should have stayed around though. For Annie's sake if nothing else"

“So why did she throw you out? I enquired tentatively “Was there someone else?”

He hesitated slightly before answering and when he couldn't meet my gaze I instinctively knew he was holding something back.

“It just wasn’t working out, that’s all” he mumbled vaguely “I didn’t love her anymore”

His explanation wasn’t very convincing to say the least and I knew there was more to it than he was letting on. The fact that he'd side stepped the question about someone else being involved didn’t escape me, but I decided not to press him. It was obvious he didn't want to reveal anything further and instead he sighed wistfully.

“I sometimes wonder if I ever loved her at all” he mused.

“But what about the tattoo Nathan?” I exclaimed “You must have been in love with her once”

“I thought I was” he answered miserably" “But there’s a big difference between loving someone and being in love with them”

“Even so” I pressed “A tattoo, it’s a bit.....well it’s a bit permanent”

“I know” he said hopelessly “I’ve regretted it ever since”

“Oh well, at least its hidden most of the time”

He raised his eyebrows and I was glad to see a slight smile play around his lips. "It would have been even more hidden if Jemma had got her way! She wanted me to have it in a much more intimate place and I almost gave in!"

Among other things, my interest was immediately aroused and I raised my eyebrows in surprise.

"Put it like this" he went on, as his face broke out into a wide smile "Only the two of us would've seen it!"

We laughed at the near miss and my stomach churned with desire at the thought of where it might have been. “So where did you get it done?”

A faraway look came into his eyes and a slight shiver ran through his body as he recalled the experience.

“Jemma and I went to Brighton for the weekend. Mum and dad were dying to look after Annie and it was ages since we'd been out on our own. We both got a bit too drunk, even though we were underage and as we wandered along the sea front, Jemma spotted this tattoo artist’s shop and dragged me inside. She had 'J loves N' tattooed on her leg and went on and on at me to have one done too. I absolutely hate needles, but in the end I gave in and had 'N loves J' tattooed on my thigh. It hurt like hell and I couldn’t stop been sick afterwards, but by then of course it was too late! Jemma kept calling me a wuss all afternoon.

He sighed and shook his head regretfully as he carried on. “I guess it was one of those stupid things you do when you've had too much to drink. I remember her saying at the time as a joke that if we ever split up, I’d have to find someone else whose name began with a ‘J”. My heart skipped a beat as his words sunk in and I wished more than anything that I could be the next important ‘J’ in his life.

“So did you?”

“Did I what?”

“You know, find someone else whose name began with a J?”

“No, afraid not" he admitted, with a shrug of his shoulders "There’s never been anyone else since on a long term basis”

His voice was tinged with sadness and I briefly wondered if one night stands were a way to avoid an irrational fear of further acrimonious breakups.

“You’ll find someone soon” I reassured him "Who wouldn't want to go out with you?"

I coughed and looked away, suddenly wishing I'd kept my mouth shut. He frowned slightly and seemed about to say something. Obviously changing his mind, he remained silent and there was a sudden awkward break in our conversation. In an attempt to ease it, I quickly returned to an earlier part of his story.

"You're really lucky being able to work abroad Nathan. Especially in Switzerland. I've always wanted to go there!”

“We can go for a holiday if you want to” he suggested excitedly, momentarily forgetting his problems “It’s has amazing scenery, you’ll love it”

My stomach began turning somersaults at the thought of going on holiday with him and swept along by his enthusiasm, I eagerly agreed

“That’d be brilliant Naith, I’d love to!”

I still wanted to know more about his life after Jemma though, so I deftly shifted the conversation back to his time abroad. “So how long did you stay overseas?”

“Oh, a couple of years altogether”

“In Switzerland?”

“Oh no. The job there only lasted until the end of that winter” he explained “But I was really lucky. During the last week of the season I met this guy who owned a holiday company and he offered me a job as a tour guide. I couldn't believe my luck”

“Really! You must have been over the moon”

“I was, but you haven't heard the best bit yet. The job was in Barbados. Can you believe it!"

Although I didn't say anything, I wasn't sure that I could. There was something about his story that didn't quite ring true. For instance, how do you land a job as a tour guide just like that, when you've never even been to the country before? I was sure that he’d told me at some point that he’d only ever visited Europe. As he carried on talking I became more and more sceptical.

"When I got there it didn't quite work out though, but he soon found me some other work"

I had a sudden suspicion what the ‘other work’ might have been and I gazed at him with a slight frown. It all sounded far too good to be true. Another thought suddenly struck me. Did the guy even own a holiday company, or was he merely trying to lure Nathan over there for some other reason with the false promise of a job. Nathan would be desperately looking at ways to stay abroad and would probably have jumped at the chance without asking too many questions. I was interested to discover if he would mention the modelling but as I opened my mouth to quiz him some more he suddenly looked at the clock and jumped up.

“Look at the time! I’ll have to get you to the station or you’ll miss your train”

We had plenty of time and I knew he was just using it as an excuse to avoid my questions, but I went along with it anyway. I had no desire to upset him any further after his painful disclosures about the past. It must have taken a lot of guts and soul searching to pour out his heart to someone he didn’t really know too well and I was grateful that once again he’d chosen me to confide in.

A short while later we were driving through Hamborough and he turned towards me with a smile.

“Thanks for listening Jase. I really appreciate it. It was good to talk about it after all this time”

I gently tapped his knee in a gesture of companionship and gazed at him happily “Eh, that what are friend’s for” I reminded him “You can always talk to me about anything, I've told you that”

“Just remember the same applies to you!” he answered, sporting a serious look “If there’s ever anything bothering you, you can always talk to me as well”

“Ok, thanks Naith. I’ll remember that”

For some reason I felt slightly uncomfortable as an image of Aiden kissing me floated before my eyes and I couldn't quite shake the irrational sense of guilt that flooded my mind. It was an absolutely stupid feeling but it felt almost as if I'd cheated on him. Of course it was complete nonsense! As much as I wanted to be, Nathan and I were not in an intimate relationship and I couldn’t foresee a situation where we ever would be. It was all in my head, but it did prove to me how deep my feelings for him had become. I struggled to ignore Aiden's invasion of my thoughts and quickly turned my attention back to Nathan. He glanced at me with a slight frown, before turning his attention back to the road.

"Everything ok Jase?" he asked.

"Yeah course" I instinctively answered "No problem whatsoever"

He nodded his head slowly and I could tell he wasn't convinced. Nathan was extremely perceptive and always seemed to know when I had something to hide. A definite change of subject was needed and I quickly steered the conversation back to his past.

“So what was the other work you did in Barbados Nathan? I enquired innocently "You said the tour guide job didn't work out"

I couldn't help putting a slight emphasis on the word 'other' and he glanced at me nervously before answering.

"Oh, you know, waiter type jobs. Stuff like that"

I immediately knew from his tone of voice that I'd hit a raw nerve and couldn't help myself from probing deeper. "That can't have paid very much though Naith, how did you manage to live?"

I saw him take a deep swallow and hesitate before responding. "Well....erm.....I got the opportunity to do a bit of modelling work out there for a magazine"

“At last!!”

So he definitely was the model in the photograph! His admission only confirmed what I already knew and it wasn't the only thing I was right about. He continued talking, clearly embarrassed by his admission

"You know the guy I mentioned, the one who offered me the tour guide job?"

He glanced at me sheepishly and shrugged his shoulders. "Turns out he was a photographer all along and wanted me to model for him!"

I pretended to be surprised, responding with an air of feigned innocence "Oh ok. So what's wrong with that? You're perfect model material!"

This time he clearly struggled to go on and his face became flushed with embarrassment. There was a substantial pause before he decided to continue

"The thing is Jase......it's just that.....well there weren't many clothes involved"

"What, you mean you were......naked?"

"We'll not really! It was all very tastefully done" he rushed to explain "Nothing pornographic! I'd never do that"

It was my turn to laugh nervously now, but I couldn’t help probing further.

"So what does that mean? Not really"

His face had become bright red with embarrassment as he struggled to explain. I quickly cut in to ease his discomfort

"Look Nathan, it's none of my business. You don’t have to answer....not if you don't want to"

I immediately felt slightly guilty that the way I phrased it gave him little choice, but I couldn't help myself. He continued in a shaky voice.

"When I say there weren't many clothes involved, I mean sometimes the absolute minimum! You know, skimpy briefs, skin tight material, that sort of thing. No actual full frontal pictures, but not far off!"

He gazed at me red faced, and I wondered what was coming next.

“The thing is.....him and these other guys wanted me to take things further, you know, porn and stuff, but I absolutely refused. The other stuff was quite enough”

I was instantly hard and my heart thundered as I thought about some of the provocative posing he must have done. I was suddenly desperate to obtain a copy of the magazine and I could hardly wait to see the pictures he was describing.

"Bloody hell Nathan, I can hardly believe it! You virtually stripped off in front of the camera"

"Yeah, it’s true I'm afraid. I'm not particularly proud of it, but needs must. I was desperate for money and it paid really well”

It was on the tip of my tongue to ask if he knew what kind of magazine they would eventually appear in, but at the last minute I bottled it and left the subject alone. There was still loads of stuff I wanted to ask him about though and whilst he was willing to talk, I carried on.

“So what happened when you got back from overseas?”

“Well, I’d managed to keep in touch with mum the whole time” he explained “She was a lot more understanding than dad, but even so, she still daren’t tell him what I was doing. She used to write to me regularly and let me know all about Annie and how she was doing. She even sent photographs so I could see how fast she was growing up. I wanted to send money back for her whenever I could, which was mainly why I took the modelling job. Mum opened a savings account for when she was older”

He paused for a while, overcome with emotion. “You can’t imagine how grateful I was Jase. It meant everything to me”

“Yeah, it must have done” I said sympathetically

“Anyway, eventually I came back and with mum's help, managed to get a job and a flat in London. She used to meet me in a café every week when dad was at work and keep me up to date. I was desperate to see Annie though. I even went to her school once and watched Jemma collect her. I couldn’t believe how beautiful she was, to actually see her again for real was amazing. I went a few more times after that but the trouble was I kept getting funny looks from the other parents. They obviously thought I was some kind of paedophile or something, hanging around the school with no children of my own to collect. In the end I had to stop going”

He laughed bitterly as he realised how stupid his behaviour had been. “Mum knew how desperate I was to see her and in the end she managed to persuade Jemma to let me spend some time with her. It was on the condition that mum was there as well though but that didn’t matter to me, anything was better than not seeing her at all. I couldn’t believe it was finally happening and the first night before we were due to meet I didn’t sleep at all due to the excitement"

His face dropped a mile and I had a good idea by the sad shake of his head what was coming next.

“Then at the last moment she changed her mind. Said I didn’t deserve a second chance”

“That's so cruel! You must have been devastated”

“I was. But I never gave up trying and neither did mum. Eventually, she did let me see her and after a while of being accompanied by mum, she finally agreed I could take her out once a month on my own”

He smiled triumphantly and heaved a sigh of relief.

“So things have improved slightly?”

“Slightly’s the word” he agreed, sighing deeply “But at least I get to see Annie regularly now and my dad’s just about talking to me again. Except when we argue" he added despondently "Which seems to be most of the time!”

By this time we'd arrived at the railway station and as Nathan parked outside, we continued to sit and talk.

“I take it your mum eventually told him then”

“Yeah she did. One day I met her at the cafe and out of the blue she asked me if I’d like to come home. For a second or two I was stunned and didn't know what to say, but then I thought what the hell. It was worth a try

“I take it it didn't work out then”

“No definitely not! Mum reckoned that dad had got over it and was ready to forgive me, but after a while we both realised that was never going to happen” he explained sadly “We argued all the time, but in the end we managed to reach a compromise. He offered me a job at the factory up here and let me use the flat. I jumped at the chance to get away and be on my own, but at first I hated it. As soon as everyone found out I was the boss's son, nobody wanted to know me”

He looked at me and smiled affectionately. “I was so lonely, I didn't know what to do. But all that changed when I met you Jason! I'm so grateful you walked into my life”

I smiled to myself, marvelling at how things had worked out for the best. Here was Nathan, feeling desperately sad and lonely, more than likely about to disappear at any time. And then there was me. Still smarting over the break up with my first and only boyfriend almost three years before! Desperately hoping Mr. Right would come along soon. Yet fate had conspired to bring us together at a deserted bus stop in the middle of a freezing cold winter evening. If he'd been gay it would've been the perfect situation, but even that couldn't stop it being pretty damn close! I smiled back at him affectionately. It was a wonderful feeling to hear him talk about me like this and I couldn’t quite believe how lucky I was to have met him.

“Don't miss your train Jase" he was saying "You don’t want to be late for work again”

I'd become so engrossed in our conversation that I didn't realise just how quickly time had gone by and was alarmed to see my train was almost due. “Right, I’d better get going” I said hastily, opening the car door.

A second later he leant across to talk to me through the open door and I bent down to listen “Oh, I almost forgot Jase. I’ve got to make a delivery in the city tonight so I’ll pick you up from work if you like?”

For a split second I froze, as the possible consequences of his words hit home. When the store closed in the evening, there were normally three of us that finished together. I wasn’t sure if Aiden would be one of them but there was no way I wanted him to see Nathan waiting for me. It would only add fuel to the fire and make the rumours and jibes considerably worse, but after all the times he’d picked me up before, I could hardly tell him not to collect me.

“If that’s ok” he added, catching the fleeting look of panic that crossed my face.

“Oh erm yeah, that'd be great” I answered hastily, giving a nervous laugh to hide my anxiety.

“Right, I’ll see you later then”

“Yeah. See you Naith. Bye”

With a final wave he drove away, leaving me standing there with an increasingly worried look on my face. I suddenly heard my train rolling in and tore along the platform and over the footbridge to the other side. The doors were just about to close and I jumped on the train with seconds to spare.