A Different Love - 39. Chapter 39

It felt strange entering Nathan's flat when he wasn't there, and I sat nervously waiting for him on the sofa. The sight of some magazines on the coffee table sent my mind racing off at a tangent. Had he kept a copy of the one he'd modelled for, or was he too ashamed? Did he even know which magazine they were in? It obviously wouldn't be on display for anyone to see, but it might well be tucked away in a draw somewhere. With a physique like his he certainly had nothing to be ashamed of, but what would his family say if they ever saw the pictures? Would he even care? All I knew was that the image of his smooth, tanned, oil covered body was enough to take my breath away and set my pulse racing wildly. I'm sure some people would have taken a sneaky look through the drawers and cupboards, but it was something I would never dream of doing. If Nathan trusted me with a key to his father's flat as he clearly did, the last thing I wanted to do was betray that trust and go rifling through his personal things.

The sound of the front door opening and closing brought me back to reality with a jolt and on hearing his voice, I went into the hall to greet him.

“HIYA JASE, YOU HERE?”

His blond hair was blown awry with the wind as he stood there struggling out of his coat and shoes and I leant against the door frame watching him.

“Yeah, been here about ten minutes”

A look of surprise registered on his face as he turned to see me watching him. "Wow Jason, you look smart! Going somewhere special?"

"Oh, just out for a meal with some guy I know"

"For a second there, I thought you'd met some gorgeous girl and decided to stand me up" he joked nervously, smoothing down his hair.

I opened my mouth to respond but before I could speak, he disappeared into the bedroom. A second or two later he came out again with a towel over his shoulder, hurriedly unbuttoning his shirt.

"Won't be long Jase. I just need a quick shower"

With a nod I watched his retreating figure vanish into the bathroom and a moment later the sound of running water could be heard as the shower burst into life. The question ‘You don't fancy any company, do you?' was on the tip of my tongue, but I knew that I couldn't say the words. As usual my overactive imagination would have to suffice and within seconds, I could see steaming water cascading over his naked body.

An official looking form on the breakfast bar caught my eye as I reluctantly returned to the lounge. It was an application form for a provisional driving license, and I stood there, completely engrossed in reading it. Nathan's voice made me jump slightly as he spoke to me from the bathroom doorway and I immediately swung around to face him.

"You'll need to fill that in and get a license before I can teach you to drive"

The sight of him standing there, drying his hair, made my heart lurch with disbelief, as adrenalin surged through my body like a raging torrent. All he was wearing were a pair of orange briefs that perfectly hugged his muscular body. Brief was certainly an excellent description as they left little to the imagination with every curve and bump beautifully defined. From the way they bulged outwards at the front there was clearly a lot to fit in them and I ached to explore every inch of what lay inside. How on earth was I going to get through the evening, knowing such perfection lay inside his trousers? As he vigorously towelled his hair, it took all my self-control to tear my eyes away from his body and my heart pounded uncontrollably. Somehow, I managed to look away as he lowered the towel, pretending instead to concentrate on the form.

"I didn't hear you come in" I remarked, avoiding the urge to turn around.

"Oh, it doesn't take me long to get showered" he smiled "Especially when I'm looking forward to a night out with my best friend"

"Yeah, me too"

I was relieved to see that the towel was now firmly around his waist and I could concentrate on looking at his face again. Like Tom had said though, if I didn't stop gawping at his body, he'd soon guess what was going on.

"Is something the matter Jase, you seem a bit flustered?"

"No no, I'm fine" I quickly reassured him "You just made me jump, that's all"

He seemed satisfied with my reply and I breathed a deep sigh of relief as he turned around, removed the towel and disappeared into the bedroom again. My eyes widened with delight as they followed his retreating figure, gazing with admiration at the rounded orbs of his buttocks as they moved in rhythm with the firm muscles beneath. If only he knew the effect his near naked body was having on me, he'd soon understand why I was so flustered.

A moment or two later there was a shout from the bedroom. "Come in here Jase, I've got something to show you"

The blood rushed to my head and a wave of dizziness overtook me as I grabbed the breakfast bar for support. My fantasies once again took over and I imagined him lying naked on the bed, patiently waiting for me to join him. Struggling to hide the growing erection that pushed itself urgently forwards, I took a deep breath and entered the bedroom, quickly sitting down on the edge of the bed to hide my embarrassment. He was standing beside an open drawer and I was disappointed to see that he'd already put on a pair of trousers.

"Thought you might like to see this" he laughed, passing me a small photograph. "It's one of a set I had taken for my passport"

The image in the small photograph had obviously been taken around the same time that he'd modelled for the magazine. The youthful features and innocent expression were unmistakable, and it finally proved beyond all doubt that it was indeed Nathan in the magazine. I tried to hide my look of surprise with a cough and an exclamation of feigned shock.

"Crikey! Is that really you?"

"Course it's me!"

"How old were you when it was taken?"

"Oh, about seventeen, I think. Not that long ago really"

"You've changed quite a bit." I said, shaking my head "You look so much younger"

I was going to add the words ‘and incredibly hot' but thought better of it.

"Yeah, I'm a bit older and wiser now" he remarked wistfully.

He took the photograph back and gazed at it with a look of regret on his face. "If only I knew then what I know now" he murmured, sighing to himself "I might not have made so many mistakes"

I wondered what mistakes he was referring to and decided it was most likely the modelling work he’d done. In an attempt to find out, I tentatively ventured a question, almost certainly knowing what the answer would be. "What do you mean Nathan?"

I wasn't wrong and he quickly brushed it aside. "Oh, it doesn't matter now anyway" he said, frowning slightly. "Who knows, the future might be brighter"

Within seconds his rather sad demeanour had changed into the normal cheerful Nathan I'd become used too, and he laughed and clapped me on the back excitedly.

"Hey, I didn't wish you Happy Birthday!" he said, swiftly changing the subject "Have you had a good day?"

"Yeah, great thanks. Mum and dad bought me this" I announced, proudly pulling the chain out from underneath my shirt.

"Wow! That looks superb!" he exclaimed "I love it"

He was clearly impressed, and my face glowed with pride. "Do you mind if I touch it?"

Any excuse to be nearer to him had to be grabbed with open arms and I readily agreed "Of course. Go ahead"

He sat down on the bed beside me, and I could feel his warm breath on my cheek as he leant in towards me. The softness of his fingers against my skin as he touched the pendant made the situation incredibly intoxicating and the urge to kiss him was overwhelming. The huge effort it took to resist left me breathless with desire and it felt as if my heart would burst out of my chest at any moment. He gently took the pendant in his hand, slowly transferring its weight between his fingers.

"It's solid gold" I remarked in a low voice, as my heart continued to beat madly.

"Must have been pretty expensive!" he remarked, giving a low whistle.

"That’s what I thought too but they wouldn't tell me"

"It's absolutely beautiful Jase. You're so lucky!"

He gently let go of the pendant and withdrew his hand, smiling at me sadly. "Your mum and dad must think an awful lot about you" he said quietly "It's really special"

An unmistakable tone of sadness had crept into his voice and I instinctively knew he was thinking about the rather fraught relationship he shared with his own parents.

A rueful smile crossed my face as I acknowledged what he'd said, quickly followed by a helpless sigh. "Yeah, but so was the watch and look what I did to that"

"Hey, that was an accident" he said, squeezing my shoulder "You didn't do it on purpose"

"All the same I shouldn't have let myself get so drunk that I lost control. I'll have to make sure I don't get in that state tonight"

"Don't worry, I'll look after you" he said earnestly "It won't happen again"

"Have you got any more photographs?" I asked him, in an attempt to lighten the mood "I'd love to see them"

"No, afraid not. They're all at my parent's house."

I noticed he didn't use the word home and wondered if this was on purpose or something that was fixed in his subconscious mind. Maybe I was reading too much into it, but I couldn't help feeling sorry for him and the poor relationship he shared with his parents. I couldn't imagine losing the love and support of my own family and suddenly realised he was right. I was lucky, despite my one major problem.

"Besides, it's about time we were going" he continued, putting the photograph away.

He pulled on a shirt and began fastening it up, hurriedly tucking it inside his trousers. I sat there in silence on the bed watching him get dressed, silently wishing it was the other way round and he was taking them off. He was ready in no time and we left the flat about five minutes later to catch the bus into town, happily enjoying each other’s company as we looked forward to celebrating my birthday.

The restaurant was in the centre of town just off the market square. As we stepped off the bus, last minute shoppers milled around grasping bags and parcels and groups of office workers, out for their Christmas parties, laughed and joked with each other as they made their way to various pubs and restaurants.

"It’s here Jase" Nathan indicated, grasping my elbow as he steered me around the corner.

The double doors at the main entrance to the restaurant were surrounded by a mock pagoda. It was heavily adorned with brightly coloured snakes and dragons, and the name ‘China Palace’ illuminated the front of the building in large gold lettering.

“Looks nice” I remarked with a smile of delight.

“Yeah, it does. I hope you’re hungry Jase?"

“I’m absolutely starving”

“Me too! I haven’t had anything to eat since breakfast”

He chuckled and patted his stomach in a gesture of confirmation. “My stomach thinks my throat’s been cut” he laughed, looking at his watch “At least we’ve made it on time though, it’s only half past five”

He pushed open one of the heavy wooden door and we stepped inside, eager to escape the bitter wind. Our faces were glowing from the cold outside and the tips of my fingers had gone numb. The end of Nathan's nose was bright red, and I couldn’t stop a smile from spreading across my face.

“What?” he asked, suddenly noticing my smile.

“Can I call you Rudolph from now on?”

His finger immediately went to his nose and the expression on his face as he realised what I was talking about made me smile even more.

“You can call me anything you want today Jase, it’s your birthday remember”

His good-natured response to my teasing was typical of Nathan and it was one of the many things I loved about him.

The warmth of the restaurant was a welcome change from the freezing cold evening, and we sat down in the plush leather seats surrounding the large bar area. The room was full of people laughing and joking and the buzz of conversation was loud and vibrant. Almost immediately a waiter appeared and took our order for drinks, bowing slightly as he addressed us both.

“Two large beers please” Nathan answered, glancing at me for confirmation.

I smiled and nodded in agreement.

“You have a reservation Sir?” the waiter asked, politely addressing him.

“Yes, erm 5:45 in the name of Brown. For two”

Nodding and smiling, he quickly disappeared behind the bar before returning with our drinks a short time later. Setting them down on the table in front of us, he handed out two leather-bound menus with a flourish. We both thanked him, and he hurried off again, leaving us time to peruse them.

Choosing what to have in a Chinese restaurant was always difficult for me as just about everything on the menu made my mouth water. Immediately noticing my indecision, Nathan offered a suggestion.

"Look, why don't we get three meals between us Jase. We’ll both choose one each and then decide on the third together. That way we can share them all”

“Yeah, that’s a great idea Naith" I answered gratefully "And thanks again"

“What for?” he asked with a puzzled glance.

“You know. Inviting me and everything”

“It’s the least I can do. I know we’ve only just met, well apart from years ago that is, but I feel like I’ve known you for ages. I really enjoy your company Jase and I think our friendship’s kind of….well you know…..kind of special. I don’t know if you feel the same way but……….” His voice tailed off as he became unsure what my response would be, but his heartfelt speech had set my pulse racing. Struggling to hold my emotions in check, for a second or two I could hardly give him a coherent answer.

“Nathan! That’s exactly how I feel” I exclaimed, battling to keep the excitement out of my voice.

The couple sitting next to us glanced towards me, slightly wide eyed, and I turned away in embarrassment, unable to stop the rush of euphoria that was coursing through my body. I’d always felt there was a special bond between us ever since we met but was never really sure until now if Nathan felt it too. This was confirmation that he did, and I wondered what it meant for our future relationship. If only he were gay things would have been perfect, but for now all I could hope for was to be a significant part of his life. But what about Nathan, why did he feel this way? Did he have some special reason or had he simply met a kindred spirit. Someone he could finally relate to and confide in. I never missed an opportunity to imagine it could be more, but in reality he’d probably just met someone that he found a real connection with. A wide smile lit up his entire face at my response and I’d never felt so ridiculously happy before.

“I’m really glad you feel that way Jase"

Afraid that I might blurt out my real feelings for him in the heat of the moment, a shy smile of agreement was all I could manage. The earlier response of the couple sitting beside us had left me feeling slightly awkward and embarrassed and I hurriedly followed Nathan's lead as he returned his attention to the menu. Studying it in detail provided a welcome diversion and after some deliberation, we finally made our choices. We put the menus down on the table and as if by magic the same waiter appeared to take our order and signalling us to follow him, showed us to our table.

The restaurant was extremely busy, despite the fact it was early, and the noise of conversation and laughter filled the room.

“I’ve been looking forward to this all day" I enthused, rubbing my hands together

“Yeah, me too” answered Nathan, with a smile of satisfaction.

We followed the waiter to the far end of the room where he showed us to a table in a slightly more secluded area. There were only two or three small tables nearby and it was in a perfect position to be out of the way, in case the work crowd came in. He pulled out the chairs in turn for each of us to sit down and somehow it made the occasion feel even more special. Almost as if we were a couple!

About ten minutes later the food arrived and we tucked in hungrily, sharing out the various dishes between us. Nathan deftly began eating with a pair of chopsticks and grinned at me as I picked up my knife and fork.

“Coward!”

“Nathan. I’ll be here ‘til midnight if I use those” I protested, gazing at him ruefully "And you'll have eaten all the food

“Only joking” he laughed “I could never use them myself until recently”

For some reason I couldn’t quite believe that, and I was fairly sure he was only saying it to make me feel better. As we began eating, I couldn't help peering at a couple sitting at a nearby table. It was a guy roughly about my own age sitting there with his girlfriend, oblivious to anyone else in the restaurant. They were staring dreamily into each other’s eyes, occasionally feeding each other with forkfuls of food. Every so often he would reach over and gently take her hand, kissing it lovingly across the table. Although I was glad they were able to show their love for each other so publicly, it saddened me that such open displays of affection between gay couples were totally unacceptable.

“Looks like its sex for dessert” remarked Nathan cheekily, nodding towards them.

“Shh! They’ll hear you”

“I doubt they’d hear a bomb going off”

“Yeah, you’re probably right” I said, sighing wistfully.

He suddenly started to rub my arm and I could see the look of amusement on his face as he began to tease me. “Aww! Does Jason wish that someone was in love with him too?”

Under normal circumstances, Nathan's gentle ribbing didn't bother me at all, but this time he was uncomfortably close to the truth. “Don’t be daft” I answered, immediately colouring up.

Before I knew it, he'd reached over the table and lifted a forkful of food towards my mouth, imitating what the two lovers at the nearby table were doing.

“Come closer Jason” he whispered in a ridiculously affected voice "We can feed each other!"

“Give over, you’re mad!” I hissed, unable to keep the smile off my face "Stop it!"

I had no doubt that this was Nathan’s way of getting his own back for my Rudolph comment earlier on. Nonetheless I was secretly thrilled by his words and my imagination immediately went racing off at a tangent.

We finished our food shortly afterwards and he glanced at me with a smile

“Did you enjoy that Jase?” he asked, wiping his mouth on a napkin.

Empty plates filled the table with barely a scrap of food left uneaten and I sat back in my chair, totally happy and contented.

"That was delicious Nathan. Absolutely perfect! Thank you so much”

“Good, I’m really glad you enjoyed it”

He smiled at me and hesitated slightly before continuing. “I’ve erm……I’ve got something for you”

My eyes narrowed suspiciously, wondering what was coming next "What do you mean?"

Before I could get an answer, he reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope and a blue jeweller’s box. My eyes widened in alarm.

“Nathan! You haven’t bought me anything expensive, have you?”

“I didn’t get time to wrap it” he explained hastily, placing it on the table in front of me. “I hope you don’t mind”

“Nathan, you shouldn’t have!”

“I only just collected it this afternoon” he went on, as though I hadn’t spoken “Today was the earliest they could get it ready”

He carried on chattering excitedly, his eyes urging me to open it. “You’ve got to have it ready by Friday, I said to them. It’s his birthday; I definitely need it by then”

“I’d better open the card first” I said, sliding it out from under the box.

His impatient expression told me that he’d much prefer me to open the box first, but he nodded in agreement. “Yeah, of course”

The card was in a plain blue envelope with the flap tucked in at the back. Unsure what to expect I opened it slowly, knowing that with Nathan’s sense of humour, anything was possible. A smile broke out on my face as I read the caption emblazoned across the front

‘What have this birthday and sex got in common?’ it asked cheekily.

The inside of the card revealed the punch line, followed by several smiley faces, and I couldn’t help but laugh out loud as I read it.

‘You’ve never had either before!’

I gasped in surprise before lightly scolding him.

“Nathan! Trust you to buy that!”

“Sorry, couldn’t resist” he laughed, pretending to apologise “As soon as I saw it in the shop, I thought of you”

“Oh thanks!" I retorted, with a shake of my head "But I can assure you, the second part's not true!"

He gazed at me with an air of disbelief and I sighed to myself. It wasn't the first time that I'd wondered if Nathan had some preconceived idea in his mind that I was some kind of innocent nice boy still living at home with his parents who hadn’t yet faced the real world.

I hoped not. It was bad enough that he didn't know the truth in the first place, without building me up in his mind as some kind of perfect human being.

"Jesus Christ Nathan!" I spluttered, as a thought suddenly hit me "I won’t be able to take it home. Mum and dad would never get that kind of humour"

“I’m sure they wouldn’t say anything if you did” he answered sympathetically “But don’t worry Jase, you can leave it at the flat”

I sighed with relief “Yeah, that’s a good idea!”

The card lay open on the table and I realised that I hadn’t even read what he’d written inside.

'Happy Birthday to a special friend' was the printed inscription and his large flowing handwriting simply read:

'To the best friend I’ve ever had. Nathan x'.

A lump began to rise in the back of my throat as the words sank in and I struggled to keep my emotions in check. “Aww thanks Naith, that means an awful lot”

“Well, it’s true. You are!” he stressed.

His sincerity was evident, and he couldn’t hide the emotion in his voice as he avoided my gaze and slid the blue box along the table towards me.

“You better not have spent a lot of money” I warned him, secretly thrilled that he’d even taken the trouble to buy me anything at all.

It was all he could do to contain his excitement and he picked up the box and held it in front of me. “Open it then!” he urged, in a raised voice.

His persistence had begun to attract the attention of the other diners nearby and I cringed with embarrassment as they gazed at us with bemused expressions.

“Nathan!” I whispered anxiously “It looks as though you’re about to propose”

“Shall I get down on one knee then?” he offered, pretending to stand up

“Don’t you dare” I hissed frantically “People are looking”

As he stared at them with a wide grin on his face, they all hastily looked away. “Calm down Jason. It’s far too big to be a ring anyway! Open it, you’ll see”

He was right of course; the box was far too big. As if it would ever happen anyway, I thought, suddenly feeling incredibly stupid. I quickly apologised “Sorry Naith. That was a really dumb thing to say. Don’t know what I was thinking”

“It’s ok. Forget it" he said impatiently "Come on Jase, open the box!”

The lid snapped open easily as I finally took it from his hand and the contents made my face light up with astonishment and disbelief. Sitting on the blue velvet interior was a watch that was identical to the one I’d smashed at the pub the previous week.

“I told you I’d sort it” he said, smiling happily at the expression of shock on my face.

For a moment my mind wouldn’t process the fact that he’d spent so much money on me, and my automatic response was refusal. “Nathan, I can’t accept this, it’s far too expensive. It must have cost the earth!"

“I knew you’d say that, but you’ve got no choice” he answered triumphantly “I can’t return it now”

“Why?”

“Turn it over, look on the back”

The watch lifted easily out of the box and I slowly turned it over, running my fingers lovingly up and down the silver bracelet. The back was engraved with exactly the same words as the original.

‘To Jason. Happy Eighteenth Birthday. Love from Mum & Dad xxx’.

Nathan had even made sure the style of writing was identical.

"I know you can't wear it at the moment because of your wrist" he went on "But if it doesn't fit, we can have it altered later"

I nodded in agreement, completely lost for words. It was virtually impossible to tell that it wasn’t the original and I could barely speak as my emotions overwhelmed me. The watch became blurred as tears of joy formed in my eyes and a lump the size of a golf ball welled up in my throat. It was several seconds before I managed to even string together a coherent sentence.

“Nathan…I-I…..I don’t know what to say. I…… really don’t. Thank you doesn’t even begin to cover it”

“You don’t need to say anything at all Jase” he answered with a huge smile on his face “It’s my pleasure. I wanted to make this birthday really special for you!”

“You’ve certainly done that. This is the best one I’ve ever had!”

“I’m just glad to be a small part of it” he said, raising his glass “Cheers”

“Cheers Naith”

I felt unbelievably happy, and it was hard to remember ever feeling so alive before. Being so close to him made me feel on top of the world and I felt sure that this was the moment to let him know who I really was. As I glanced over his shoulder to make sure that no one else could hear I froze in horror. The euphoria of seconds ago immediately dissolved and I visibly stiffened. Standing at one end of the bar were two guys from work and a moment later they were joined by Aiden. Any hopes of leaving before the work crowd arrived were immediately dashed and I cursed loudly.

“Oh fuck!”

Nathan turned around and followed my line of vision, before gazing at me quizzically. I answered his question with a sigh before he even had a chance to ask it.

“Looks as though the work lot are in already!” I gasped “I was hoping to avoid them”

“Avoid Sarah you mean!"

“No. Not just Sarah” I replied indignantly.

"Who then?"

It was an awkward situation. I didn't want Nathan to know anything about Aiden, especially since he'd kissed me. But I didn’t want to lie to him either and my excuse ended up being vague and noncommittal.

“I don't get along with that guy at the end, he's a real pain. It’s just best if I try and keep out of his way”

I should have known that Nathan wouldn't leave it at that, and he immediately pressed me further.

“Why? What’s the problem?”

“Oh, nothing much” I answered, desperately trying to play down the situation. He just doesn’t like me, that’s all. It goes back to when we were at school together”

By now we'd finished our drinks and Nathan gazed at me thoughtfully "Look, why don't we move on to a different bar for another drink Jase? We've finished our meal anyway"

I could have kissed him for suggesting it and hastily agreed "Yeah, great idea Naith. Let’s go"

Just as we stood up our conversation was suddenly interrupted by the sound of Sarah’s voice echoing in my ear.

“Jason! I thought it was you” she exclaimed, clapping me on the shoulder “Merry Christmas!”

Almost as an afterthought she greeted Nathan and then immediately turned her attention back to me. Surprisingly, she seemed a little tipsy already and my heart sank as I caught Nathan's look of amusement.

“Oh, Hi Sarah” I muttered nervously “It’s erm…really nice to see you. Merry Christmas”

She was grinning broadly and there was a twinkle in her eye as she triumphantly produced a sprig of mistletoe, stood on tip toes, and held it over my head. “You’re not going to let me down are you Jason?” she laughed, leaning in for a kiss.

There was no getting away from it as she wrapped her hand tightly around my neck and pulled me towards her. My face registered surprise and then shock as she insistently pushed her tongue inside my mouth. She was obviously making the most of it and the only way I could cope was to close my eyes and imagine it was Nathan. Eventually she came up for air and I grimaced at the cloying taste of lipstick left clinging to my mouth. Sarah's usual behaviour was nothing like this, but the intake of alcohol was obviously having a pronounced effect, even though it was still early. I stood back quickly, disentangling myself from her arms and gazed at Nathan pleadingly. He responded immediately by putting his arm over my shoulder and gently guiding me forwards.

"Excuse us Sarah, there's someone over there I'd like Jason to meet"

“That was….erm….lovely Sarah” I called out over my shoulder, as Nathan ushered me away.

She gazed after us disappointedly and a feeling of guilt immediately kicked in as I tried to make her feel better. “Perhaps a bit later…..”

She brightened up considerably and called after me. “I’ll look forward to it Jason".

Fucking hell I thought, mentally kicking myself. Why did I always have to say the wrong thing? Encouraging Sarah was crazy, besides being completely unfair to her. It couldn’t go on like this much longer and I realised that Tom’s suggestion about telling her the truth was the only way forward. We made our way towards the entrance and Nathan nudged me and nodded his head towards the bar.

"Won't be long Jase, just got to pay"

I nodded and looked across the room nervously. Quite a few people from work were now standing around the bar area, laughing and joking, but now Aiden wasn’t amongst them. A nearby slot machine was noisily paying out money and as I glanced over to see who was winning, Aiden gazed back at me with a scowl on his face. This was hardly the time to try and talk to him, but in a moment of madness, I quickly walked in his direction.

"Must be your lucky night!" I remarked, nodding at the full coin tray.

He gave a deep sigh and frowned at me. "I’ve got a feeling it’s about to change” he muttered, gazing at me pointedly “What do you want anyway, as if I didn't know?"

“Look Aiden, we don’t have to hate each other”

His frown disappeared and I was surprised to see it replaced by a slight smile. He turned towards me and slowly shook his head “I could never hate you Jason. I wouldn’t have kissed you if I did”

I was taken aback by the softness of his tone. After all the times we’d clashed it was the last thing I expected him to say. All hell would probably break loose as soon as he found out about my visit to his house but at the moment, he obviously didn't know. With a deep breath, I took the plunge and in a low voice, asked him the question I knew would probably upset him.

"So why did you kiss me Aiden?"

His smile quickly disappeared, and he shook his head angrily. "For fuck's sake Jason, it doesn't matter. Why can't you just forget it?"

"How can I forget it?" I fired back "You don't just kiss someone for no reason Aiden. Especially another guy!"

His continued denial to acknowledge what had happened began to annoy me and without realising it our voices became raised in anger.

"YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE KISSED ME BACK THEN, SHOULD YOU?" he instantly retorted.

“YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE KISSED ME IN THE FIRST PLACE AIDEN!!”

Unfortunately, at that moment, a couple of the guys from work were passing us on their way to the toilet and couldn’t fail to hear the last part of our conversation.

“What’s this Aiden!!” one of them shouted, laughing and nudging the other one suggestively “Gone off girls?”

Aiden looked fit to burst and an expression of anger spread across his face like a black cloud racing across the sky. “KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT!!” he shouted, turning bright red with anger and embarrassment.

“That’s what you should have done by the sound of it” one of them answered “I always thought there was something funny about you two”

They both burst out laughing and with a final jibe, walked away. "Aww, you make a lovely couple though!"

Several people standing nearby were laughing at us too and by this time my face was burning with embarrassment. I glared angrily at their retreating figures as they walked towards the toilet, laughing and joking about us. My anger immediately turned to blind panic and horror and my heart skipped a beat as I saw Nathan standing rooted to the spot nearby, a look of shock and disbelief etched across his face. How long had he been standing there? How much had he heard? The questions hammered at my brain, demanding to be answered. The expression on his face made my heart sink and I knew without a doubt that he must have heard at least as much as the guys from work. Shaking his head and avoiding my gaze, he turned sharply towards the entrance and disappeared quickly through the doors. For a few seconds time seemed to stand still, and I stood there feeling totally confused and alone, upset and hurt by his unexpected reaction. Aiden broke the silence, speaking in a low voice at my side.

“You’d better go after him Jason" he urged "Explain it’s all a misunderstanding”

My voice cracked with emotion as I struggled to respond "I can't....."

"Of course you can!" he continued urgently "I take it that’s him?” You’re boyf……I mean your friend. The guy you’re here with?”

I closed my eyes in despair and gave a barely imperceptible nod of confirmation. Surprisingly, there was a thinly disguised hint of jealousy in his voice, and I opened my mouth to reply. Before I had a chance, he took my arm and gently pushed me towards the door and the next thing I knew, a blast of cold air brought me crashing back to reality.

Nathan was leaning against a wall outside, smoking a cigarette. The back of his head rested on the brickwork and as I approached him, he glared at me and then turned his face away. The simple act of rejection tore me apart and I couldn’t have felt more pain if someone had stabbed me through the heart with a carving knife. My voice wavered with uncertainty as I desperately tried to explain.

“It’s not what you think Nathan”

When he finally turned to face me the depth of hurt and anger in his eyes puzzled me and something in the tone of his voice almost accused me of betrayal.

“I can’t believe you kissed that guy!”

"That's not what happened" I exclaimed bitterly

"Sounded like it to me" he responded "Why would he lie?"

"Nathan! Why are you been like this?" I exclaimed, unable to understand his uncharacteristic behaviour.

He was normally so rational and understanding, but this time he seemed to be totally different. I'd just been about to reveal my sexuality in the restaurant a short while ago and this kind of response was exactly why I hadn't told him before.

“I heard what he said!”

“IT WASN'T FUCKING LIKE THAT!!” I shouted, becoming increasingly annoyed.

His expression of disbelief was set like stone and I couldn't understand why he was so upset. Devastated by the prospect of losing his friendship, I felt desperate with fear, as if I was standing on the edge of a precipice, about to fall over and lose everything. This was the first time that Nathan and I had argued and people passing by were beginning to stare.

“So what is it like Jason?” he said bitterly, lowering his voice "Is this the true love you're always talking about?"

I was in no mood to keep my voice down and I yelled at him in anger “I KEEP TELLING YOU NATHAN, IT WASN’T LIKE THAT!!”

“SO YOU KEEP SAYING JASON!!

By now I was in no mood to answer. His continued refusal to accept my word angered me even more and all the pent up hurt and frustration suddenly erupted with a vengeance. Still infuriated by his attitude and lack of understanding I flew into a rage, temporarily robbing me of rational thought. Before I knew what was happening, I did the most stupid thing I’ve ever done in my life before. Time seemed to move in slow motion as I slowly raised my fist and punched the wall in frustration. My hand exploded in pain, bringing tears to my eyes as I gasped in sheer agony. Nathan’s eyes opened wide with disbelief and concern was etched across every inch of his face

“Jason!!! Calm down” he said, reaching out towards me “We can talk about this”

“I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT NATHAN” I shouted back, knocking his arm away angrily “JUST FUCK OFF, I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW!!”

“But what about your hand Jason? You’ve hurt it!!”

“MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS NATHAN, IT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!”

“Come on Jason, don’t be daft” he begged, desperately trying to reason with me “You’ve left you’re coat inside. Where are you going? You're gonna freeze to death!”

“ANYWHERE! AS LONG AS IT’S AWAY FROM YOU” I cried, as tears of frustration ran down my face. My voice faded to a quiet tone of devastation “I’m sorry Nathan, but I just can’t be around you right now”

The wounded expression that spread across his face as my words hit home made my heart sink and I would’ve given anything to take them back. Unfortunately, I couldn’t bring myself to do so and despite his final attempts to make me stay, I knew at that moment it just wasn’t an option.

“LOOK JASON!!!” he shouted after me as I began backing away “I’M REALLY SORRY, I DIDN’T MEAN TO SUGGEST….PLEASE, JASE……. His voice gradually faded to a whisper as he realized it was too late. “Don’t go……….please.....”

His face became blurred, as tears of frustration poured down my face and irrational thoughts surged into my head. Surely this had to be the end of our friendship! How could he ever forgive me for my outburst? The tears smeared my face as I wiped them roughly away, wondering where on earth I was going. I hadn’t finished yet though and was determined to let him know the truth at long last. “OH, AND BY THE WAY NATHAN, JUST SO YOU KNOW FOR CERTAIN” I shouted back bitterly “I'M GAY OK!! DID YOU GET THAT?!!” I repeated desperately “I’M GAY!!!”

Without another word, I turned around and sprinted away into the night as fast as I could, with absolutely no idea where I was going. I didn't stop running until I was several streets away in an unfamiliar neighbourhood. The pain in my hand was intense and I felt physically sick and drained of energy. I couldn't believe how utterly stupid I'd been to punch the wall and a shiver of fear ran through my body as I wondered if my hand was broken. I should have made my way to the nearest hospital immediately, but the stupidity I felt and any possible consequences that might follow deterred me. Instead, I stupidly decided to administer my own form of pain relief and stumbled into an off licence across the road. The end of my birthday had turned out disastrously, but I definitely couldn’t go home. Luckily my wallet was tucked away inside my trouser pocket or I don’t know what I’d have done.

By now my hand was throbbing like crazy and I quickly bought a small bottle of whisky, somehow extracting my wallet and paying the unsmiling guy behind the counter. The small seating area across the road was as good a place as any and I sat down on a bench, put the bottle between my legs and hastily unscrewed it with my good hand. The foul-tasting liquid seared the back of my throat as I upended the bottle and poured it down in large gulps. When I could take no more, I threw it to one side and struggled unsteadily to my feet, immediately throwing up in a nearby litter bin.

The rest of the evening passed by in a blur, as each bar merged into the next. The sequence of events was basically the same. I would order a drink and sit in a corner staring into space, desperately trying to push what had happened to the back of my mind. The crushing sense of pain that pounded in my chest at the thought of losing Nathan was almost too much to bear and I was desperate to make amends for what I’d said. Drinking this much alcohol was way beyond anything I’d ever done before and a kind of heavenly oblivion quickly began to descend. By now the pain in my hand had numbed somewhat and my arms and legs gradually took on a life of their own. When the barman in the last pub finally refused to serve me, I couldn’t even acknowledge his refusal.

“Go get yourself a taxi home lad. You’ve had far too much to drink and you’re in no fit state to walk”

“It’s ok. I’ll see he gets home alright”

The sound of Nathan’s voice behind me made my heart soar and in my drunken state of mind, I wondered if he was really there at all.

“Jason!! I’ve been searching for you all night. Where have you been?”

His words forced their way into my mind through a haze of distorted senses and I couldn't even begin to give him a legible answer. I’d never been so glad to see anyone in my whole life before and as I turned around to face him, the last thing I remember was his smile of relief and the shake of his head as I collapsed into his outstretched arms.