The Making of a Slave - 18. Show Me The Way

Who can I believe in?
I'm kneeling on the floor
There has to be a force
Who do I phone?
The stars are out and shining
But all I really wanna know
Oh, won't you show me the way

I grabbed the gift I had for Zack and walked over. When I got there Trevor was sitting at the table eating cereal, wearing just a t-shirt and sleep shorts.

"Hi Andrew," he said. "Zack is upstairs."

"OK, thanks, good morning" I said as I walked up the steps.

"Good morning, replied Trevor.

I got upstairs and Zack was sitting in his desk chair typing on his lap top.

"Do you want me to do the strip thing?" I ask.

"Why don’t you stay clothed - at least until we talk," he replied.

"So what did you want to talk to me about?" I asked.

"Remember when I told you about researching masters and slaves?" He asked.

"Yea," I replied.

"Well, I found some stuff online and actually met an expert that sent me information on it, “continued Zack. “I’m not gonna lie, some of the things I asked you to do, including the stripping stuff, were based on tips from some of the stuff I read.”

“OK?” I said with a confused but interested look on my face.

He shrugged and said, “I was exploring myself, like, testing things out and in the process seeing how you’d react and what you would do. I guess you can say "experimenting.”

“Experimentiing?” I asked. “So you pushed me to see how much I would take? Is that why you made me get naked and do stuff in front of Trevor?”
Zack responded, “It wasn’t only about that, I mean, it was more about testing myself than you. You seemed to accept everything. If anything I was acting more out of character than you. Trevor being involved was just a side effect. Once it happened I just went with it - there was nothing done on purpose about that.”

I tried to process what he was saying. Surprisingly, none of this was upsetting to me - even though in a way - it explained how he was treating me before we got into our fight. I was still basking in the glow of him coming to my rescue and finding out about all the things he’d done for me having my back. What was clear to me was that I didn’t want to go back into a cold war with him.

Before I could say anything, Zack added, “I can drop the whole thing if you want but - I do want to look into it more - but only if you’re OK with it. I’d want you to be on board and maybe research it with me. I want to contact that guy that sent me the information again.”

He paused and looked directly at me then added “but I won’t if you say to drop it.”

Zack had a sincere look on his face. He had thought this through and could tell he saw it as viable. As strange and obscure as the concept sounded to me - I had to admit I was curious. However, I didn't want to seem too eager. “So, this ends up with me being a slave for you?” I asked with a puzzled look.

“It doesn’t have to be that,” he replied, “it’s just finding out more about it.”

This sounded a bit like a sales pitch. I pictured a TV car salesman - ”just take her for a ride, there’s no obligation.” I decided to flip the question - even though it was obvious what is his answer was going to be. “Well what do YOU want to do?” I asked.

“Duh,” he replied, making sure I knew I asked a dumb question, “I want to look into it more - but, honestly, I will stop it if that’s how you feel.”

“I think you should do what you want,” I replied.

“Yea, but I want you to be involved with me and find out more about it. Are you on board with that?” He asked.

I shrugged again and said, “I’m fine with looking more into it but I’m not sure where it will all lead. Like Mr. Vallady would say - research is what you should be doing if you don’t know what you’re doing.”

Zack laughed out loud. My Vallady was our 8th grade social studies teacher and he would use that quote often - especially after someone got an answer wrong in class.

“I’m going to message that guy who sent me the articles and I will let you know,” suggested Zack.

“Sounds good,” I replied. I wasn’t really putting much thought into this and wasn’t really sure where Zack was looking to go with it plus I wanted to get off the subject. I really wanted to talk about college.

“Cool,” replied Zack.

“So,” I said, to change the subject, “are we going to room together?”

“Absolutely,” he replied immediately. “Me and you are definite - how would you feel if we could get into a triple with Patrick? It’s the same price but it’s a suite for only the three of us. It has a bathroom and common area for just us and we’d get our own separate bedroom. He reached out to me already knowing you and I would be together for sure.”

“I like that idea,” I said, “what’s the catch?”

“Nothing really,” he replied, “it’s not part of the freshman dorm but it’s like right next door - plus the building is newer.

“Seems like a no brainer to me,” I replied.

“I think the freshman dorm is more popular but I don’t really care about that,” he added.

“Yea, same here.” I said, “and neither will Patrick.”

“Ok,” I continued, “that’s settled, now, it’s time to open your gift.” I handed him the gift which was in a wrapped box.

He took it, then handed me a gift bag, “here’s yours,” he said.

I waited for him to open his first - he tore the wrapping and opened the box to reveal a sweatshirt with our college name draped across the front. He smiled, looked up at me and said, “open yours.”

I opened the bag to find the exact same gift. “Great minds think alike,” I joked.

He got up and we hugged, “Thanks bro,” he said.

Over the next few weeks Zack and I went back to a more regular friendship. We were both still busy with our jobs but not a day went by where we didn’t at least text or talk. The graduation ceremony was held in June and a slew of graduation parties followed. Zack was invited to a lot more parties than me but he was invited to all the ones I attended and we hung out together there having a great time.

The last week of June and the first week of July was my favorite time of the year because school had ended and I didn’t have to start work for my dad’s company. I was able to literally do nothing. It was during this time that the subject of master and slave came up again. It was at the fourth of July party at my house. It was a family party but Zack was invited. We spent most of the time in the pool playing water games with my brothers. At one point everyone had gotten out of the pool to eat. Zack was floating on a blow up raft.

“Ready to get out and get some food?” I asked.

“Let’s chill for a little while,” he replied.

I got up on a raft myself and floated next to Zack. There was a moment of silence and the sun was strong and felt great on my body. We were floating next to each other and facing each other and I was admiring Zack’s perfect feet and wet body glistening in the sun.

Zack broke the silence and said, “so, I got back in touch with that master slave guy. We have talked a lot and I think there could be something to this.”

“Like you’re a master and I’m a slave?” I asked jokingly.

“I think you should talk to him,” replied Zack. “I’ve told him a lot about myself and about you but I think he needs your perspective.”

“OK, send me his information,” I said, “I’ll talk to him.”

“Good, I will,” said Zack. He stuck out his hand and I shook it.

“Want to go get some food now?” I asked.

“OK, sounds good,” he replied. We both jumped off the rafts and got out of the pool. We spent the rest of the day swimming and eating with my family.

That night I got an email from Zack with contact information for a guy named Max and saying he would be expecting me to contact him. I messaged Max and went to bed.

The next morning there was a reply:

<Max> Hi Andrew - message me again when you’re available to talk - I usually monitor this channel

I figured now was as good of a time as any so I replied:

<Andrew> Hi, I’m free now

<Max> Now works - can you do a video chat?

He sent a video chat request and I accepted.

“Hello Andrew,” said Max, “I have heard a lot about you.” While his whole head was visible on the screen, he was wearing sunglasses and a black latex pull over mask. “Sorry for the mask, but the research and work I do for BDSM is not part of my practice and I want to keep it anonymous for now. I do think it’s scientifically supportable, but I’m not ready to publish anything yet.”

“BDSM?” I asked.

“Yea, It’s a category of sexual practices and behaviors. The acronym stands for Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism and Masochism. It’s actually BD, DS, SM. I can send you some information on it but we don’t need to discuss that specifically. Before we start, do you mind holding your driver's license to the camera so I can verify you are at least 18 - you can cover all the information on it with your hand as long as I can see the birth date.

I pulled my license out of my wallet and held it up to the camera. “Is this good?” I asked.

“Yep, perfect, just going to take a screenshot, if that’s OK,” he added.

“No problem,” I replied.

“So,” he continued, “as I mentioned before, I am a doctor of psychology with a specialty in clinical psychology and I also have a masters of education in human sexuality. My practice is more general but I have done extensive research in same sex relationships. I have a particular focused interest in the Domination and Submission aspect and I’m working on a hypothesis that people's preferences to domination and submission go beyond sexual activity and are an inherent part of their well-being. When you plot people’s preferences, they form a typical bell curve but as you get to the outer ends the influence is much stronger.”

I listened intently but wanted him to get to the point and asked “so you think Zack and I fit into the opposite ends?”

“Well, let’s just say that I want to understand more about you,” he replied. “Zack has told me a lot about you but I want to get it straight for you. I also want to understand your thoughts about Zack.”

I nodded as he kept talking.

“So, if it’s OK with you I’d like to start you off with a test that I’ve developed that will help me plot you on the graph. I’ll send the link through the chat feature - click on it and complete the test. It will alert me when you’re done. I have a pretty good idea on how you’ll finish but let’s make sure.”

“OK,” I replied as I clicked the link. There were about 50 questions. Most of them put forth a situation and asked which outcome would be more likely if the situation applied to you. Nothing really sexually based - just normal everyday occurrences. I completed the test and the screen read - results submitted.

I heard a ding and Max came back on screen. “Yep,” he said, “Wow, even stronger than I suspected.”

“What?” I asked.

"Your results are very convincing," he replied. "They put you on the extreme giver side. Some would call it submissive but I think it's more than that. Submissiveness applies to situations - giver applies to a way of being."

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"I think it means you have a need to give of yourself and without it you won't feel whole. I want you to think about the relationships in your life - one at a time - and in your mind determine if you see yourself as the one who gives help or receives it."

"It's usually me doing the work," I replied. "Even with my parents, I'm the one usually helping out around the house. I mean, I am the oldest, but still."

"On the test the question about times you're happiest - you picked when sharing success with someone. One of the other choices was sharing YOUR success with others. Why didn't you pick that one?" He asked.

"I guess I was thinking of my brother just winning MVP of his baseball league. I was so happy for him. He wanted it so badly and worked so hard for it."

"Happy for HIM," he repeated with emphasis. "Hmmm, OK."

I shrugged and nodded.

"People treat Givers differently," he added. "It's subliminal. You don't realize it and neither do the people you interact with. Givers tend to get picked on and they tend to accept it. Does that describe you?"

I shrugged again, "it's not a big deal."

"How do you feel about getting picked on?" He asked.

"It happens to everyone," I replied.

"It does, but not to the same degree. How do you normally react when it happens?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Do you get angry? Do you fight back? Do you want to retaliate?"

"It depends," I said, starting to get a bit tired of the prying questions. I had never been in therapy before but this felt like what I would imagine it to be.

"How do you feel about the way you react?" He asked. "Do you wish it could be different?

"Sometimes," I replied.

“In what way?” He pressed. “Do you wish you would have been more confrontational or fought back more?

Wow, I thought to myself, this guy seems to hit the mark. His questions fit right into the thought pattern I go into when something happens. “It depends,'' I replied, “sometimes I wish I would have fought back more, other times that I left earlier. Sometimes I want to take back something I said to provoke it.”

"I presume you think about these things afterwards - how do you feel when you reflect on things that have happened to you? How do you treat the people that, in your view, wronged you?"

"I go through different stages until it settles in my mind and sometimes it never settles so I don’t really know." I replied.

"Do you remain friendly with them or do you stay away? Do you ever talk to them about how you feel?"

"Are you talking about Zack?" I asked.

"Not necessarily but Zack told me of the incidents that he saw and I know that you talk to Zack about these things. Did you feel betrayed by him?"

"I felt a lot of things, but yes, betrayal was one of them - for a time. He explained his side of it and it was different from how I had seen it."

"Are you referring to one specific incident?” He asked.

“There was more than one.” I replied.

“I assume the pool toilet thing was one. Did you buy his explanation?"

"Not totally but for the most part, yea, he had reasons."

"What other times have you felt betrayal from him?"

This had started as an information talk but now definitely felt like a therapy session. I was fine with it though and became more engaged. The way he analyzed me fit into my thinking pattern. I did wonder how much he already knew and how much detail Zack provided. I felt like I was being tested.

"Which ones do you know about? I asked, somewhat flippantly.

“I'd rather hear them from you,” he shot back.

“Do you know about Patrick and Connor?" I asked tersely."

“I do,” he replied. “The foot kissing apologies - how did you feel about that?”

“Zack thought I deserved it for how I was acting. He’s all about justice.” I chuckled.

“Did you agree with his thinking of it?”

I shrugged again. “He had a point, but maybe there was another way.”

“Did you tell him that?”

“Somewhat, I guess but not really,” I replied, “besides, he’d have come up with an explanation.”

“So you think Zack is about justice , but it’s his version of justice?”

“Oh definitely, but he is very thorough and pretty fair.”

“Are there any lingering thoughts about either of the two incidents?” He asked.

I paused for an uncomfortably long time. I wasn’t ready to admit to anyone that I jerked off to some of it and about how I imagined what they were thinking or feeling and their enjoyment at my expense. He already had me pretty much figured out - I didn't want to make his case for him so easily.

“What are you thinking about?” He added.

“I think about them from time to time. If I run into someone who was there, it brings it all back in my mind. I still can’t look Connor in the eye when I see him. So, yea, it lingers.”

“But you accept it?” He asked.

“What choice do I have? It’s not the end of the world and I can’t hold a grudge forever.”

“Do you hold a grudge at all?” He pushed.

I shrugged for the 100th time and said, “not really.”

"Anything else between you and Zack?" He asked. Like anything more recent?”

"He told you about our fight?” I asked.

“Like I said before, I want you to tell me what you think.”

I took a deep breath and said, “we’ve reconciled, I would rather not go into it.”

“I think it’s very important,” he countered. “Does it have to do with you being naked?”

I paused again to push back but instead said, "It's not about that - being naked in front of Zack isn’t a big deal - we've seen each plenty of times before."

“Then what was it?”

“It was that he humiliated me in front of Trevor - for no reason. It was like he was pushing it on purpose and now I know that he actually was. And probably because of advice he got from stuff you sent him.” I chuckled mildly.

“And you didn’t like that?” Asked Max, ignoring my comment about his advice to Zack.

“Not at the time, no, but I’m over it now and I don’t care. Even though we weren’t talking to each other he came to my rescue at a park party - so it seemed kind of silly to harp on what happened with Trevor.”

“I didn’t directly advise Zack but I did provide him with resources,” admitted Max.

“I know that now,” I replied, “that’s Zack to a tee - always exploring, always experimenting.”

“Full disclosure, when he told me, I was impressed at how thorough he was. Most people I send information to just ignore it.”

“So you were supportive of it?” I asked.

“It was all his call but yes, exploring is the only way to get answers. Further you reacted exactly as I thought you would have.”

“What does that prove?” I asked.

“It wasn’t so much to prove anything about you - I was pretty sure about you - but it did give me more insight into Zack.”

This made me think again about what Zack did. While I did what Zack asked, it never really made sense to me. I understood his position on justice with the other incidents but I never really did anything to merit being naked in front of Trevor. It all made more sense to me after knowing but what also became clear is he was pushing to see if I would be his slave. “So what does this all mean?” I asked. “Is this all about me becoming some sort of slave for Zack?”

“Well,” he replied, “this is not one way. For anything like that to work you both have to be right for it. Finding two people that fit the roles is crucial and very difficult.”

“Let’s just say that I wanted to go ahead - not that I am saying that - but if I did - what would be the next step?” I asked.

“Well, your case is unique,” he said.

“Why?” I asked.

“Normally,” he continued, “I’m dealing with adults with a full understanding of BDSM and would suggest a meeting for the two parties to get acquainted.. There would be no obligation and they then decide how or if to proceed. You two are freshly 18. My advice would be to read up on what a Master Slave relationship is all about. I suggest reading “Dear Raven and Joshua.” It’s done in a questions and answers format but it covers a lot of what a master slave relationship is all about. Zack has already read it and done a lot of research so you have some catching up to do.”

“Yep,” I said and chuckled, “that’s Zack.”

“Seriously, I suggest you don’t discuss it further with Zack until you fully understand what this is all about,” added Max.

“OK,” I replied.

“You have my contact info - so reach out if you have any questions,” offered Max.

“I will, thanks for everything,” I said. I ended the chat and looked up the book he suggested. I found it online, bought it and started to read it.

The first thing that struck me was the seriousness of the tone. It wasn’t about sex, it was all about one person giving all his rights and privileges to another. The master in the book was very open and honest - and described himself as a borderline predator. He knew he had this innate need to dominate and control another but also that he lacked the sufficient sense of guilt and remorse that would normally go along with it. He realized he needed to find someone who wanted that domination.

Was there more to Zack than I knew about? He was definitely obsessive in everything he did and there was a selfish side to him but underlying all that was a sense of fairness that guided him. At Least that's what I thought. I never knew him to lack a sense of guilt or remorse. Did I miss it?

Thinking back, you could conclude he didn’t have much compassion for me in times I was humiliated around him. He maintained, and I believed, it was because he felt I deserved some retribution for my actions - was it more than that? Did he want to see it? Did he need to see it? Is Zack a sociopath?

I didn't believe he was and I was sure his friendship was genuine but more importantly I was very much attracted to him. I wanted to be with him.

I read the whole book in one day and went back over specific parts. I put myself in the shoes of the slave and tried to imagine how it would feel doing these things with Zack. I thought about how things could play out given our living situation.

I did more online research and felt ready to talk to Zack. I texted him the next morning.

<Andrew> Want to talk? I'm ready.

<Zack> Sure, let me know when you want to get together.

<Andrew> Now is good.

<Zack> Umm, OK, I only have like a half hour but I’ll be right over.