Rocked To The Core - 8. After That, Can Anything Be Normal?

Monday June 12

"Good morning, Jer..."

"Thanks for fucking calling!"

"I'm..."

"I was so stressed yesterday, I needed stronger pain killers the headache was so bad. I fell asleep like 6:00. I'm guessing the cop left sometime after I fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night, nobody was here. I had half a mind to call you at 3 AM. But I thought, maybe things were still in the shitter. But then why would the cop be gone?"

"But Jer..."

"Don't even fucking think about saying you're sorry. I don't want to hear it. I got a couple updates from the cop. The last I heard was something about bees. Just tell me what happened. You'll leave if the word sorry, or anything like it comes out of your mouth."

Fuck. I was so relieved after everything yesterday, I never even thought about Jeremy. I feel like such a shit. I need to get through this without apologizing in any way.

"You're right. I fucked up."

"That's awfully close to an apology."

"Fine. So, after they found out where they were keeping my parents and brother, the only way they could figure to safely get them out was pretty unconventional. They couldn't use any kind of sleeping gas, federal law prohibited its use. One of the cops at the scene came up with the idea to send bees in, panic the bad guys and take over control during the panic. It almost worked perfectly. One of the guys still got a shot off, but it only hit my dad in the calf. Went almost right through, bouncing off his shin bone, breaking it. Otherwise, all they suffered was bee stings. Four of them ended up dead, the other five all shot at least once. By the time they cleaned up and got back to police headquarters, where they stashed me, and went through the debriefing, it was getting pretty late. I was exhausted from the day and I fell asleep sitting on the couch. Mom said I was in the middle of a sentence. She looked up to see if I was upset, and I was out. It was like 9:00 maybe."

"Are they guys from the squad really dead?"

"Two of them are, yeah. The third is still critical but stable. He should live. Everything just fell apart on me yesterday, I just shut down."

"I'm sorry. Your dad going to be OK? Mom and Frank?"

"Yeah. He was here overnight for observation. He needed surgery to set the bone, it splintered a little. But he'll be fine. He may limp, but nothing worse for long term effects. Mom and Frank are probably going to see a therapist. Obviously, it was a traumatic experience. You don't get over something like that in a day. It wasn't all bad though. You'll get a kick out of one thing that happened to me, I bet."

"What?"

"Well, before the Chief left to go to the scene, I made a comment about wanting a gun and to go along and kill them, so he set me up with a babysitter."

"You really said you wanted to kill them?"

"Yeah. So, anyway, this woman cop, and if I wasn't gay, I'd have been all over her, was assigned to watch me. Her orders were to 'not leave my side.' That became a little tricky when I had to take a piss."

"Wait, you had to pee in the ladies' room?"

"No, she followed me into the men's. But she made a comment like, I'll stay behind you, I don't need to see your privates. We'd gotten to know each other a little by then, so I jokingly said something like 'that wouldn't be fun.' She said she'd watch if I insisted, as a joke obviously. But I did catch her peeking, so I tucked it in and zipped up while I was turning around. She said she could arrest me for indecent exposure, but I said it wouldn't look good for her that she was peeking."

"You flashed her? She your girlfriend now?"

"What? No. I'd nev... Very funny."

"I had to. OK, you can say it now."

"I'm really sorry. Like I said, I was done in. Mom covered me and I spent the whole night sleeping on the couch. I'd never wish a day like that on anybody."

"Apology accepted with one caveat."

"I think I can guess, but..."

"A kiss?"

"Of course. Are you expecting the doctor?"

"Haha. No, but he does appear at pretty random times."

"I'll risk it."

I give Jeremy the requested kiss, held it for about a minute, and smiled afterward because, wow, was it a good kiss, and it wasn't interrupted.

"Whoa. That was different than Saturday's. You have something to tell me?"

"How was it Meat Loaf put it? I remember everything as if it happened only yesterday. Well, a lot. I'll probably never know if it's everything."

"Oh, Jeremy, that's great."

"And something I'm not sure I even remembered before the accident. Maybe I just blocked it out. I've never told you why I left home."

"Right after the accident you mentioned leaving because your father smacked you when he found out you were gay. But if there was more to it, then, no, you haven't."

"There’s definitely more to it. Come sit next to me."

I do so, and he begins.

"So, as you know, he clocked me pretty good when he found out I was gay. I had a friend that I used to do some things with. Nothing radical, but we'd kiss and jerk each other off. We even traded blowjobs twice. Got caught the second time. Total stupidity on my part. We were in my bedroom, door unlocked, completely naked on the bed. He had just come in my mouth when dad walked in."

"Not good."

"No. Not. At. All. He yanked me off the bed, said some really nasty and hurtful things to the two of us. He glared at Anthony who was in the process of grabbing his clothes. As soon as Anthony was out the door, he wound up and hit me as hard as he could. I was out of it for a few minutes; he's not a small man. When I came to, he was still standing over me. He told me to get the fuck out of his house and he never wanted to see my faggy ass again. He gave me thirty minutes to pack some shit, making sure I knew I was to take nothing they had bought for me. I grabbed a backpack and a duffle bag. Threw a few changes of clothes, and some other shit in there. He was never going to see me again anyway, so I took the Xbox they got me for my birthday the previous year. That got me a few meals after I sold it. I didn't see either of my brothers or my mom before I left, but I knew waiting around to say goodbye wasn't going to happen. I had no idea where I was going to go or what I was going to do. I went to Anthony's first, but he was afraid my father would find out I was there and hurt him too. I was crushed when he told me to leave. He didn't just say 'you should leave' or anything like that. He said, 'just get the fuck away from me and stay away.'"

"Ouch. He could have at least let you in until you figured out what to do."

"I thought so too. He was also afraid my dad would call his. His parents didn't know he was gay either. Anyway, I left again, stopped at a MAC and took out all my cash. I didn't want to risk dad transferring it all out. It wasn't a lot, but it kept me going for a couple weeks. I walked to the bus station, looked at my options and figured somewhere warm would be good. It was March, still a chance of some cold nights. I had nowhere to sleep, and I didn't want to freeze to death sleeping outside if it got cold. Ft. Lauderdale was the next bus out to somewhere warmer. I bought a ticket, less than an hour later I was on my way, still not having a clue what I was going to do when I got there."

"Shit, I wish I'd met you sooner. What did you do for those first nine months plus?"

"I did a lot of thinking on the bus ride. Quite a bit of surfing the web, seeing what was around. Listened to a lot of music. It's one of the things that was always able to cheer me up when I was down. The third time through 'Fall of the Peacemakers' it clicked that Danny died around there somewhere. I checked Wikipedia, saw my memory was accurate, and decided I'd stay for at least a while. Morbid as it was, not knowing where else to go, I searched findagrave.com, and slept leaning up against the tree near his grave the first two nights. I got kicked out of the cemetery the third morning, found a homeless shelter and stayed there most of the first month. Scoured the want ads, online and newspaper, found William's company's ad for electrician's helper, no experience necessary, will train. I applied, got an interview scheduled two days later. I got the job, found a cheap place to stay for a week. William found out I had nowhere to stay and let me stay with him for another three months until I had enough history to find my apartment. The holidays bummed me out royally. I was actually looking to drink myself into a stupor but couldn't get hold of any alcohol. New Year's Eve came, I saw an ad for the party at the under 21 club, met you and you know the rest."

"Did you have any contact with your family, friends before that?"

"Yeah. I spoke to my mom and brothers a couple times. Dad found out about it and got them all new phone numbers. He gave them strict instructions not to talk to me. Mom called once after that just to let me know what had happened. I almost went back when I couldn't contact any of them. She told me she was calling from a payphone, because dad checked the cell phone records every month. Said she was sorry she couldn't help me. It seemed like an empty apology, so I wrote her off too. Tried Anthony once. He hung up on me. I cleared everybody from my past out of my contacts and dove into my work. I'm going to call them later, now that I remember pretty much everything, explain what happened and hopefully they'll understand and take me back."

"I'm sure they will. The accident probably left them shorthanded. If they do, you can pretty much get back to your life the way it was before the accident."

"I don't want to go back to the way it was. Not exactly."

I started to panic hearing that.

"Don't worry, I'm not leaving or anything. Quite the opposite. I don't know if you'd want to, but I'd like it if you would think about moving in with me. I know my place isn't anything special, kind of small, but maybe after pooling our resources for a little while, we can get something a little bigger. Maybe a two bedroom. I'd like to write my brothers and invite them for a visit. Mom too. Well, I couldn't write them, but maybe you would do that for me, if we do move in together and find something bigger."

I was dumbfounded. We'd never talked about anything like that, but I guess the accident and the amnesia concerned him. Maybe he was afraid of being alone.

"You don't have to answer right away. I know it's a big step and I sprung it on you out of nowhere. There's no hurry. We can keep going like we were before, but after what happened, I'd really like something more permanent."

"I'll definitely think about it. I'm guessing you remembered we'd never even touched on the topic of moving in together. I'm not against it, but like you said, it's sudden."

"I get it. I appreciate you not saying no outright. I think we've grown close enough that it would work, even more so after this past week. But, take your time. I don't want to rush you. I love you and I was sent a pretty harsh signal that told me I don't want to be alone."

"I love you too. This past week has sent me a pretty strong signal as well. You may not have seen it, but I was pretty much a mess thinking I was going to lose you."

"I noticed. I may not have understood it the whole time, but I do now."

I leaned in and kissed him. Not a making out kind of kiss, but a deep, emotional kiss. It was like the kiss earlier. Different than all the other kisses that came before. Before, we were just boyfriends. Now, we truly were lovers. Things had changed between the two of us over the past week. For the better, obviously, but it scared me, nonetheless. That was confusing. All week long, I was afraid of losing him. Now I'm afraid of what's next. I wanted this. I just didn't know how to handle it.

"Are you OK?"

"Yeah. It's just a little scary. I was just thinking how all week I was afraid of losing you. Now I know I'm not going to, but it's changed between us. A good change, just, uncertain, I guess, what's going to happen and where it's going to go."

"It's OK. You're being honest. If we talk this through, we can make the right decision about our future. Together."

We spent the rest of the morning alternating between kissing and idle chat, the heavy-duty stuff needed to take a back seat for a while. We were in the middle another kiss when an orderly brought in his lunch.

"Oh my God, that's so beautiful. I love how you're not afraid of doing that and getting caught."

We were obviously startled and pulled away from each other on his first words.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to intrude or startle you. I wish I had what you guys obviously have. Anyway, here's your lunch Jeremy."

"Thanks Andy."

"You're welcome. How come I haven't seen this hunk of yours before?"

"Haha. Well, he usually heads to the cafeteria to get himself something before you bring my lunch. Just bad timing I guess, and today we were obviously distracted. Derek, this is Andy, one of the orderlies here, duh. He never said anything about being gay before."

"Hi Derek. Nice to meet you. And it's not something I say to everybody I meet. The topic never came up before. Well, anyway, enjoy your lunch, if that's even possible."

"It was nice meeting you too, Andy."

I wait until Andy is out of hearing range.

"He seems nice."

"Yeah, I guess. I see him twice a day for ten seconds, bringing the tray, and taking it away."

"Well, eat it while it's hot. I'll go downstairs and get something to eat. I think I'll eat down there so I can spend a few minutes thinking about what we said before."

"Sounds good. I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too. Be back in a bit."

I head down to the cafeteria, my head pretty much in a fog as the morning's conversations spin around up there. I get myself a slab of meat loaf, mashed potatoes, and a soda. I'm sitting there, just staring at my food for a few seconds. I realize I'm happy. Probably happier than I've been in a long time, if not forever. Andy walks by on a trip to get another batch of lunch trays.

"Hey Derek."

"Oh, hi Andy."

"I don't want to interrupt your lunch. I just wanted to say how lucky I think you are. Jeremy seems like a nice kid and just in those few seconds, I could see what you mean to each other. I hope you'll always be happy together."

"Thanks. And I hope you find the same level of happiness."

"Me too. Back to work. Bye."

"Bye."

So, a complete stranger who saw us together for a matter of seconds could tell that about us. Hell, I'll be honest with myself, he could tell that we were in love. I guess it's time for another serious talk with mom and dad tonight. I'm going to do it. Wow. Moving in with Jeremy. I feel the smile spreading across my face. Yep. I'm going to do it.

Next Up - "Derek, and the Letting the Dominos Fall Where They May"