Bloodlines - 20. Chapter 20

September 25, 1998

“How do you think they'll take it?” Cody asked as we got dressed as quickly as possible. I was thinking the same thing, even as I hurried like a mad man. We were so late, we really should have been out there half an hour ago, but it was a buffet deal, so I figured we'd be alright.

“Some of them will be cool with it, some of them won't,” I said fatalistically. For some reason I felt strong and powerful, like I'd felt after I decided to tell Kelso and Garner to go fuck themselves after they ignored me. I guess once I decided that I just didn't care what they thought, it wasn't a big deal. I kind of assumed that the ones I gave a shit about would be cool with it: Danfield, Cramer, Turner, and the two Canadian dudes. I knew Konrad and Cole would be cool with it since I'd fucked around with them. But beyond that, I didn't know what they'd think. “I guess if they're here with JP and Stef they can't be totally homophobic, but then again, they're not taking a shower with those guys.”

“You sure about that?” he teased, and made me laugh. “What do you want me to do? You want me to leave?”

“Are you fucking serious?” I asked him. He really couldn't read me at all. “You're staying here this weekend and we're gonna fuck like rabbits.” He laughed at that. We headed out of the room and ran straight into Brian.

The tension was intense. I was surprised; I'd thought they'd worked things out. “Hey Brian,” Cody said.

“Hey Cody, good to see you,” he said. Then he turned to me. “I heard you did well tonight.”

“It was a good game,” I said, looking at him intensely. He was nice to me now, but I still didn't trust him. He gave us one final nervous look then vanished into his room. I just watched him, shaking my head, and turned to face Cody. “Dude, what is the deal with you two?”

He shrugged. “I don't know. It's not me.”

“Did you fuck him when you got here?” I asked, and not nicely.

“No, I didn't fuck him when I got here,” he said, pissed.

“OK, that was an asshole thing to say. Fuck whoever you want, I'm not gonna give you shit about it. But...”

“What?” he asked and tilted his head. Damn he was smokin' hot.

“You fuck him and it's going to just stir up more trouble and freak him out even more. I'm just sayin',” I told him.

“Yeah, I know,” he said. “It's hard for me with guys I've got a history with; it's like how I reconnect.”

“Slut,” I joked. “Come on.”

I led Cody out to the dining room where damn near everyone was assembled, stuffing food onto their plates. I decided to go for broke.

“Guys!” I said, trying to get their attention. They ignored me, still totally focused on food. “Guys!” I said loudly. Finally they looked at me. “I want you to meet Cody Warren. He's my boyfriend.” I heard a crash as a plate fell. Ironically Bergevin dropped it, and he's our goalie. Goalies are always weird, that's how they are. The whole thing just made me chuckle. I watched the expressions on their faces. Cole already knew about me, and so did Konrad. Konrad winked at me and Cole blushed a little bit. The guys that had seen Cody fuck me, they already knew, so they took it in stride. But the real surprise, the real gem came from a direction I didn't expect.

Turner walked up to Cody and held his hand out, shocking the shit out of Cody so bad that he just stood there for a moment, then he got his wits together and extended his hand too. “It's nice to meet you Cody. Matt's a great guy. You're lucky.”

“I know,” Cody said. I just stared at Turner, stunned at what a cool guy he was. He was our leader, and he had jumped in and made sure everyone was OK with it. I noticed Gilchrist and Wolfrum giving me dirty looks, which I'd expected. They stayed maybe ten more minutes then left, probably to go blow each other. Two bigger closet cases I couldn't imagine. I just let things lie there and went over and started grabbing food. Damn did they put out a spread. We were pigging out, and drinking just as much.

It was nice outside so I headed out onto the patio and just hung out with the guys. “Dude, that so freaked me out,” Danfield said. “That dude was plowing you.”

“Yep,” I said with a grin. “It was fucking awesome.” He looked at me funny, and then looked down. I knew if we'd been inside he'd be blushing like crazy.

“Looks like it would fucking hurt like hell,” Gillespie said, grabbing a chair and kicking back with us.

“It can, especially at first, but there's a magic button in your ass that can set you free. You ever had someone do that?” I asked them.

“Fuck no!” Gillespie said. “My ass is a one way street. I'm not a, I'm not gay.” He was going to say “a fag” but he stopped himself. Had to give him credit for trying to be thoughtful.

“Dude, get a puck bunny to do it. It's only gay if it's a dick in your ass,” I joked.

“Yeah, good luck getting a girl to stick her finger in your ass. Besides, what if she has long nails?” Danfield asked. I started laughing then I pulled out a joint and lit it, handing it to Danfield.

“Well Danfield, you ever want to find out what I'm talking about, come see me. I'll rock your world,” I said, acting really slutty, like I was coming on to him. Danfield was mid-hit on the joint and he gagged and coughed while Gillespie laughed his ass off.

LeBrand and Turner came out to join us. “So you stare at me in the showers?” LeBrand asked. I could tell he was just playing around.

“Fuck yeah,” I said. “You are one fine dude.” He cracked up at that. “You got a problem with that?”

“Nah. You should be allowed to appreciate beauty,” he said with faux arrogance. “Besides, I am the hottest man on the team.”

“Bullshit,” Danfield said. “Your nose is like a fucking buzzard's.”

“It gives me strength and character,” LeBrand said. He was right, it did, and with his slight accent it really made him hot.

“Let's ask the expert,” Cramer said. “You've seen us all in the shower. Who's the hottest one?”

“Turner,” I said. “He's a walking wet dream.” LeBrand spit out his beer he was laughing so hard, and so did Danfield. Turner just smiled at me and shook his head.

“Hey Turner, you should let him stick his finger up your ass,” Gillespie joked. “Claims he can rock your world, eh.”

“Nah, because to do that I'd have to move your mouth.” We all laughed. These guys were so cool, so fucking cool.

“You guys are really being cool about this,” I said, kind of nervously. “I mean, I'm not all that surprised, but it's real nice.”

“Hey, who you fuck is your business,” Turner said. “Besides, I'm secure enough in my masculinity to handle it.”

“Gilchrist and Wolfrum aren't,” I said.

“Yeah, but you watch. They'll be sneaking down to your room begging you to let them blow you,” Danfield joked.

Cole came out and sat down, and everyone looked at him. I suddenly felt really bad about what I'd done. I'd thrown out my sexuality and never even thought about the shit he'd have to deal with. “So Cole, you know your roommate was a fag?” LeBrand joked. He used the “f” word, which was actually kind of cool, since it meant they were loosening up around me.

“Yep,” he said.

“What'd he do, blow you?” Gillespie teased.

“Yep. Best head I ever got,” he said. He looked over at me, a twinkle in his eyes.

“You let a guy blow you?” Danfield asked, kind of surprised.

“Dude, a mouth is a mouth,” Cole said. I was really proud of him, of how he was handling this, and how he was coming out of his shell more.

“Yeah, I got stuck with a straight roommate,” I said, feigning disappointment. “I have to wait until he's drunk then perv on him.” Cole grinned at me. God, he was cute. I'd blow him any time.

“Dude, all you guys can sit around and talk about getting with each other, I'm gonna get me some puck bunny,” Gillespie said. We cracked up at that, but it was kind of a bummer because it started the exodus.

After they left I looked around and it suddenly dawned on my drunken ass that I was all alone. I wandered around the house, looking for Cody. I got to Brian's room, opened the door, and there they were, Cody and Brian, going at it. Brian was on his back holding on to his ankles, while Cody was just slamming into him. I walked up to them and stared down, watching Cody's dick slide in and out of Brian's ass. At least he was wearing a condom. They both looked at me, all alarmed, but I wasn't going to let them see me sweat; let them know how much they both pissed me off.

Cody stopped fucking Brian and they both just stared at me. I kissed him gently and moved my mouth to his ear. “This is the part where you push me away, right?” Then I left.

Now that all the guys were gone, Brad, Stef, JP, and Robbie had taken over the patio and were passing the joint around. “Where's Cody?” Brad asked cheerfully.

“Fucking Brian,” I said, making sure to keep all emotion out of my voice. They all stared at me. It was like they wanted to say something, but didn't know what to say. I wanted to go back to the dorms, to get away from the whole situation, but I was really fucked up. “There's a party at Lag,” I said. “Can I ask Rafael to drive me back?”

“I'll take you,” Robbie said, and hopped up.

“Cool,” I said, smiling at him. He put his arm around me and walked me out to the garage, to Brad's Ferrari. Damn, I had to borrow that car!

“You OK?” he asked.

“You mean because I outed myself to my teammates, or because Cody is fucking Brian?” I joked.

“Yeah,” he said with his cute little grin.

“Well, most of the guys handled it pretty well, so I'm hoping they end up deciding it's no big deal to have a fag on the team,” I said.

“And Cody?” he asked.

“It bugs me. And not for the reason you think. I know what he's doing; he's just trying to push me away. I get close to him, it freaks him out, and he does this. It is what it is,” I said.

“So why does it piss you off?” he asked.

“Because it's with Brian, and Brian is one fucked up dude. He keeps trying to get over Cody and Cody keeps reeling him right back in. They're toxic together.”

“You're worried about Brian's feelings?” he asked, surprised.

“Fuck yeah. That dude is a fucking psycho. I don't want anyone unbalancing him more than he already is,” I said, pretending to joke about something that wasn't a joke.

“Brad told me that you kicked Brian’s ass,” he said. “I did that a few times, got in a few fights. I always felt like shit afterward.”

“You would. You're such a nice guy,” I said. “That's the nice way of saying you're a pussy.” He laughed.

“Maybe so. It didn't bother you when you kicked his ass?”

I thought about the two of them, Robbie and Brad, and how much more like Brad I was. Maybe that's why I found Robbie so compelling. “No. The fucker had it coming. All the shit he did, and then he shot his mouth off. He was begging me to do it. Only thing I felt bad about was upsetting JP and stirring up some bad memories.”

“Sometimes those need to come out every once in a while,” he said philosophically. “We're flying out early tomorrow morning.”

“Thanks for coming. It meant a lot to look up in the stands and see you there,” I said.

“You kicked ass,” he said with a big smile, and hugged me with one of his body-sinking hugs, even though we were in the Ferrari and there was a console in the middle. I headed in to Lag, pausing only to make sure there were no tears left in my eyes. These guys were so fucking emotional. Shit.

“Hey, didn't expect you to get back so soon,” Danfield said when I walked in. I saw Gilchrist and Wolfrum over in the corner talking to some people, and right before I turned away Gilchrist made eye contact with me. He got a sneer on his face and turned back to the guy he was talking to and gestured in my direction. Danfield caught me looking at him. “Ignore him.”

“I'm wondering if I'm going to have to kick his ass?” I asked.

Danfield stood next to me and looked over at them. He watched them for a few moments, eying up the situation before responding. “May have to,” he said. And that was so cool, that he didn't give me some bullshit about how I wouldn't have to. It was like we were two lions in the jungle, fighting for control over the pride. “I got your back if anyone else butts in.”

“Thanks,” I said. Gilchrist was standing by the keg. “I need a beer.”

Danfield had a full glass, but he smiled then slammed it all in one long swallow, then nodded to me. “Me too.” He burped, cracking me up. We walked over to the keg and I got a beer, not saying anything, just waiting for him to provoke me. Amber's roommate, Fiona, was next to the keg.

“Hey Matt. How come you don't come by when I'm home?” she asked, trying to flirt. Because you're lame, I wanted to say.

“I may just have to do that,” I said, playing her along to make her feel better, cool.

“You're wasting your time. He's a fag,” Gilchrist said. Somehow, that didn't seem provocative enough for me to slam my fist into his head.

“I like having sex with men and women,” I said to him calmly. “It makes me a better lover.” Fiona looked at me, trying to figure out what she thought about that.

“How does sucking dick make you a better lay?” he asked snidely.

“I don't know. Did it work for you?” I asked. His eyes flew open then.

“Fuck you!” I was under his skin.

“Maybe. I might take you for a ride,” I retorted. I heard Danfield trying to stop his chuckles.

“Only ride you're going on is the one where my fist lands in your jaw and sends you flying across the room,” Gilchrist snarled. It was like he was next to a cliff, and he just needed one more thing to push him over the edge.

“You're a big pussy Gilchrist,” I said, knowing that would do it and it did. He charged at me, grabbing me and knocking me backward, then downward. I twisted to the side so when I landed he wouldn't be on top of me, but that meant landing on my left side and that hurt like hell. He hadn't expected that, and it caught him off guard. One more push with my leg and I was on top of him, our hands locked together while I was trying to break free of his grip so I could whale on him.

Then I did it, got my right hand free. I pulled it back and went in full force, slamming into the side of his head. He was trying to break his right hand loose, but I gripped it tightly with my left hand, while I slammed away at him, me beating in his face while he tried to deflect my fist with his left hand. I hit him again and again and again, until I felt arms around me.

“Dude, enough,” Danfield said firmly. His words, his smooth Southern drawl, bored through my killer frenzy and stopped me. He pulled me up and a bloody Gilchrist scrambled up. He'd look pretty ugly for a few days.

“So Gilchrist, you got your ass kicked by a faggot. What does that make you, you piece of shit?” I yelled. He lunged at me again but Wolfrum pulled him away. They left, we stayed, a victory. And I hooked up with some hot girl named Brittany.

September 26, 1998

I rolled over and barely opened my eyes, but even that was a big mistake. The light of day bored through the slits and right into my brain. It felt like someone had an ice pick and was hammering it into my head. Fucking hangovers. I was about to go back to sleep when I received another sensation from my body: the need to pee. So five minutes later my sorry ass was staggering down the hall to the bathroom, downing two Tylenol tablets as I went. Only I'd forgotten I had no water, so in addition to my nasty cotton mouth, I now had Tylenol partially dissolving in my mouth. What could possibly make this a worse morning?

I got back to my room and crashed back on my bed. It dawned on me that I was alone. Not only that, Cole's bed was still made, which meant he hadn't been home. I started to get worried; it wasn't like him to just vanish. Maybe he found a girl? I pulled out my phone and speed-dialed his number.

“Hey,” he answered after three rings.

“Hey, where are you?” I asked.

“Amber's room,” he said. So the two of them went down to Amber's room instead of coming back here and hanging with me.

“Wanna grab some food?” I asked. I heard voices in the background. This is where he'd tell me that he was eating with Amber, and he'd blow me off.

“Yep,” he said. “I'll be there in half an hour.” Then I heard giggling as he hung up the phone. Wow. I'd called that wrong. I figured Amber found out I was bi and she'd decided that she didn't want me around, and that she'd use her amazing pussy to keep him from eating with me. People were so fucking complicated.

So that's how Cole and I ended up at the cafeteria, just the two of us. “I kicked Gilchrist's ass last night.”

“I heard,” he said. “Sorry I wasn't there.”

“S'OK,” I said as I stuffed some nasty looking meat thing into my mouth. “Danfield had my back.”

He nodded, and we ate on in silence. “I should have been there. You know. At the party and last night.”

“Don't worry man. If I'd needed you, I'd call and you'd be there,” I said, and he rewarded me with a smile. “So does Amber hate me now that I'm out?”

“Nope,” he said simply. “We, uh...” then he stopped. I didn't bug him; I let him collect his thoughts while I stuffed eight day old bread into my mouth. “I like her and she likes me.”

“You got a girlfriend?” I teased, mostly to hide my shock.

“Maybe,” he said, grinning. Wow, he had that look, the look I'd had that one time in Malibu with Cody.

“Awesome,” I said. “Except that means I'm cut off.”

“Yeah,” he said, and looked guilty.

“Dude, I'm teasing. I'm happy for you. And Amber. She's awesome,” I said, trying to wipe away that most evil of emotions.

“Where's Cody?” he asked.

“Probably fucking Brian,” I said nonchalantly, like it didn't matter.

“Fucker,” he said, and got really pissed.

“Nah, it's cool. He can do his thing, I can do mine. He's a good guy, just a little fucked up,” I said philosophically.

“He must have a big dick,” Cole said. I just stared at him, shocked, for a second until his joke hit me, then I laughed my ass off.

We finally finished eating and he went back to the dorm to see Amber while I went back to Escorial to get my SUV. Rafael came to pick me up, and took me back to Escorial where my GMC sat looking beautiful, perfectly clean. “You cleaned my GMC!” I said. “Thanks! That is so awesome!” He simply said “you're welcome.” I could see why Brad liked him so much.

Part of me wanted to just take the GMC and run, but that would be rude, and that is one thing I tried hard not to be. I headed inside and found JP in his study. “Hey!” I said cheerfully. The smile on his face when he saw it was me was so cool. He was happy to see me.

“Well good afternoon,” he said. “Did you have fun last night?”

“I did. I drank a lot, smoked a lot of pot, and fucked a girl,” I said, cracking him up.

“You sound like Stef,” he joked.

“Stef likes women?” I asked, shocked.

“I think his preferences now are pretty obvious, but he's been with women in the past,” he said. He got this look on his face when he talked about Stef, this contented, happy expression, and it was just so cool. “Cody left this morning with the rest of them.”

“He's really fucked up,” I said. “But not as fucked up as Brian.”

“You and Brian had a deal, and he broke his end of the bargain,” JP said. This seemed to be a much bigger deal to him than to me, so I decided to just go with it.

“I guess he did,” I hedged. “Have you seen him today?”

“No. I'm not sure that I want to. Are you going to talk to him?” JP asked.

“No. I really have nothing to say to him,” I said. I left it at that. It was up to JP to make up his mind on how to handle this. I wasn't going to press my case, but I wasn't going to lift a finger to help Brian either. I left Escorial dragging, emotionally and physically, and headed back to the dorms. I snuck a two hour nap in and then headed off to practice with Cole.

We were walking into the Ice Oasis when I heard a familiar voice call my name. “Carrswold, I need to talk to you,” the coach said. I nodded to Cole then went over to see the coach. “I heard you made quite a splash last night.”

“On or off the ice?” I asked, smiling. It didn't work.

“Keep it up, smart ass, and you'll be back on the bench,” he scowled. Did that mean I'd get to play tonight? Fucking awesome! “A couple of the guys complained about having to shower with you based on your, uh, preferences.”

“Wolfrum and Gilchrist?” I asked. “They're bigoted assholes.” I could see him struggling with this. “If they said they wouldn't shower with a black man, what would you tell them?”

He seemed about to argue, when his mind started working, finally. I could see him processing the situation. Gilchrist and Wolfrum could grouse all macho and shit, but they didn't have JP in their corner. “Cute,” he said. “You're pushing it Carrswold. You'd sit on the bench if we weren't shorthanded.”

“Who are we missing?” I asked.

“Gilchrist and Wolfrum aren't on the team anymore,” he said. I just stared at him, feeling really guilty for giving him shit. “I had a meeting with the captains and they said that if those two guys couldn't handle your being on the team, they had to go. Didn't help that they were playing like shit.”

“Thanks Coach,” I told him. Was that a small smile?

“Get ready,” he said, dismissing me.

I walked into the locker room and went over and sat down next to Turner as he stripped down. “What do you want Carrswold?”

“I thought I'd just sit here and watch you,” I joked. Gillespie cracked up.

“Fuck off,” he said.

“Thanks,” I said simply as I got up to go get changed. He just nodded.

I lay on top of my bed wearing just some gym shorts, so sore I was unable to move. OK, maybe it was more unwilling than unable, but whatever it was, I was shredded. Practice was grueling, and my residual hangover hadn't helped. Cole was looking at me nervously.

“Go,” I said. He looked at me strangely. “Go spend time with her. She likes you, you like her. Go. I'm gonna sleep.” He smiled at me and nodded, then headed down to see Amber. I felt pretty lonely then, and briefly considered engaging in a pity party for myself. At least until my phone rang.

I looked at the caller-ID and answered reluctantly. “Hey,” I said.

“Hey,” Cody said back. “I don't know why I did that.”

“Dude, I am so beyond caring. You came up and watched my game, we made love and I'm looking forward to spending a whole weekend fucking around and being with you, and then you go and fuck Brian.”

“I know I fucked up,” he said.

“Not really. You accomplished what you came up here to do. But I gotta tell you, that was the lamest way to break up with someone. It was fucking cowardly,” I said. My voice was cold and unyielding. I'd been learning from Brad.

“It's not like that,” he pleaded.

“Yeah, Cody, it is. You had a choice, hang with me or be with him, and you chose to be with him. So right now, I'm sitting here trying not to let my ego get too fucking bruised over this. I'm trying to figure out why you'd rather be with him than me.”

“I'd rather be with you any day,” he objected.

“Don't fucking lie to me. If that was true, you'd be here with your dick in my ass,” I spat. “You didn't want me around, you didn't want to have to think about me, so you did the thing you knew would piss me off most. You found the one thing you could do that would make me tell you to fuck off,” I said bitterly.

“Is that what you're saying?” he asked.

“After watching what you did with Brian? That dude is a fucking psycho, and you're playing with his mind like it's Play Doh. You're fucking torturing him. That's like beating baby seals. Hell yeah I'm telling you to fuck off. You got what you wanted,” I said. I wasn't crying, I wasn't distraught, I was deadly serious. And I was through with this bullshit.

“I never meant to hurt you Matt,” he said, sounding like a crappy actor in a B movie.

“Don't flatter yourself. You didn't hurt me, you just pissed me off,” I said, and then I ended the call and decided to just hang out and pout. That is, until Danfield came by and talked me into going out and drinking and partying all over again.

“Did you hear what happened with Wolfrum and Gilchrist?” he asked.

“Coach told me he met with the captains and they decided to boot them off the team,” I said.

“Dude, are you fucking kidding me? Gilchrist and Wolfrum came into the locker room, acting all bad-ass. Not easy to do when your nose is three times its normal size, mind you,” he said, joking. “They made this big deal about how they didn't want to shower, change, or play with a fag.”

“No surprise there,” I said.

“Whatever. So Wolfrum gets in Turner's face and tells him that he's the captain and it's his job to handle you, to run you off, unless he's a fag himself. It was the funniest fucking thing. Turner looks to Gillespie, and then jacks Wolfrum in the gut.” I started cracking up at that. Turner could probably take both of them at the same time if he wanted to.

“So Gilchrist moves on him, but the whole team basically got up and surrounded them. Turner tells the two of them to get the fuck out of the locker room, that they're off the team. Gilchrist is like 'only the coach can throw us off the team' and shit, and he says it in this whiny voice that makes him look like the biggest fucking pussy ever.” Danfield really started laughing. “So then Turner, LeBrand, and Gillespie grab those two douche bags by the neck and throw them out of the locker room. Wolfrum smashed into the wall, so now his nose looks like Gilchrist's.”

“Wow. That was really cool, the way they stuck up for me,” I said, not feeling very worthy at all.

“That's not all,” Danfield said excitedly. He was almost as bad as Stef, the way he loved to gossip and the way he thrived on drama. “So those assholes went to the coach and the coach comes back in the locker room with the two of them behind him. They had these shit-eating grins on their faces. He asks what happened, and Turner told him, and everyone backed him up.”

“Damn. I should have gotten there earlier,” I said. I missed all the action.

“No shit. So Turner tells the coach that he talked to the team and none of us wanted to play with them. It was so fucking funny. He's like 'they play like total shit anyway' and everyone just nods in agreement.” Danfield was laughing his ass off now.

“So the coach goes into this 'I'm in charge and it's my fucking team' bullshit. You should have seen Turner. He looked coach straight in the eye and said if they're on the team, he's not. Then he folded his arms. So the coach looks at Gillespie and LeBrand, and they fold their arms too. You know how his eyes all bulge and shit?” I nodded. “He was freaking out. So he looks around the locker room and everyone was standing there with their arms folded. It was like a fucking mutiny.”

“So what happened?” I couldn't believe that. Shit like that did not happen in a hockey locker room.

“The coach looks at Wolfrum and Gilchrist, told them the team was right, they played like shit. Said since no one would play with them, they were off the team. They were so fucking faced they just walked out. They forgot their bags, and turned to get them, but Gillespie and LeBrand threw them out the door and right into their faces.”

“Fuck. I didn't know all that shit happened. Why didn't anyone tell me?”

“I'm telling you,” he said with his charming smile. “I don't count?”

“Asshole,” I said affectionately, and lit another joint.