Bloodlines - 27. Chapter 27

October 23, 1998

I glanced over at the clock: 4:32am. I hadn't slept at all, not even a little bit, and I couldn’t give a shit less. Danfield was in the same position he'd been in when we went to bed, still sprawled across me, his face still buried in my neck. He felt so awesome, so perfect, that I just wrapped my arms around him and enjoyed the experience. It was probably a one-time thing. When we got back to Lag, we'd both have our own beds. Then a horrible thought crossed my mind. Maybe tomorrow he'd be so grossed out at having slept with me like this that he'd freak out just like Cole did. It's not like we did anything, but this was really intimate, way more than what friends would normally do.

I pushed that aside. I'd been honest with him about who I was, so he knew what he was getting into. I didn't assault him, or hit on him, all I'd done is hold him close. He'd rolled into me, not the other way around, and he'd done it while we were both awake. No, my instincts told me that this time it would be cool, and I gave myself permission to just enjoy being with him.

He was a guy of such amazing contrasts: Masculine and feminine at the same time, political yet kind, controlled yet spontaneous. He was smart, he was charming, he was a loyal friend and a great roommate. All of those individual things didn't begin to describe the whole package though, the sum of the parts. I ran my fingers through his brown hair, so soft and so fine. He responded, moving closer to me and sighing so sweetly.

I was hard as a rock, and he was too. I could feel him pressing into my leg. With any other guy, with anyone else this hot, I'd roll him over onto his back and blow him until he saw stars, but not Danfield. Something about him made me want to go slow, to just enjoy what I could get, to savor the moment, so that's exactly what I did.

He got antsy and moved around a little bit. I held him tighter, telling his sleeping body that it didn't have permission to move away. Time seemed to stand still as we lay there. It seemed as if the world was moving around us and we were oblivious. But time wasn't standing still, and it was inevitable that the alarm would eventually shatter the dream.

I tried to hit the snooze button before he woke up but I didn't quite make it. I knew him, knew his pattern. He started to wake up, stretching and moving into me, using the arm he'd wrapped around my chest to pull himself closer. I sighed contentedly. But then he woke up and freaked out, not terribly, but enough to roll off of me and back over onto his side facing away from me. It was the reverse of last night.

I sensed that things had become weird and was determined that they wouldn't be. I rolled over and spooned up behind him, draping my arm across his abdomen and chest.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he asked, but not in a pissed off mood.

“You're warm,” I said. He elbowed me gently in the stomach so I tweaked one of his nipples, making him yelp.

“Quit trying to fuck me,” he said.

“Fuck you? That's not what's on my mind,” I said as I playfully used my index finger to play with his other nipple. He shoved my hand away. “I'm wondering if you're ticklish.”

“NO!” he cried. I started tickling him and he lost it. I found that when I tickled him on his sides he went into spasms, almost completely losing it. He fought with me, wrestling to force me off of him. He finally got out of my grip and jumped out of bed. “Fucker.”

I laughed and so did he, until we both realized that his dick was hard as a rock and sticking straight out of his boxers. I stared at it, unable to stop myself. He was probably about six and a half inches long, and the width was maybe slightly thicker than normal. But like the rest of him, it was so unique and so perfect it was incredible. He had a pronounced mushroom head that was angled, so it made his dick look like it was pointing up a bit. He shyly stuffed it back into his boxers, and I took that opportunity to break the tension. “You want to shower first, or you want me to?” I asked. “Or would you rather save water and shower together?” I flashed him my playful grin to show that I was teasing.

“I'm first. I want to get dressed as fast as I can,” he joked. I followed him into the bathroom. “What are you doing?”

“I gotta pee. That OK with you?” I asked. He seemed nervous. “Dude, I've seen you naked lots of times. Relax.”

“You saying that seeing me naked isn't anything special?” he teased.

I grabbed him, getting him from behind, and pulled him back. He struggled while I laughed. “You are the hottest man in the world,” I cooed as I tried to kiss his neck. He started cracking up at my joke. Only I wasn't joking. I left him alone to shower, and then I took my turn. With a monster breakfast in our stomachs, we tooled down to campus to make it to class.

“How bad does this blow?” he asked. “Having a test on Friday morning.”

“No shit. Why couldn't they schedule this in the afternoon at least?” I agreed. We were having this History exam in one of the enormous auditoriums so they could fit multiple sections in. That meant that it wasn't just our normal class of 200 students, it was one or two more of them.

“They're just doing it this way so Falcon doesn't have to write more than one test,” Danfield said, stating the obvious.

“What are you doing today?” I asked.

“Gotta rest up for the game tonight,” he said, and then looked guilty for reminding me of the big Cal game that I'd miss. “You coming?”

“Fuck yeah,” I said. “I'm gonna watch you dipshits try and win without me.”

“After we do, you'll realize how unimportant you really are,” he said. I laughed. It was so easy to be with him, so comfortable. Figures that I'd decide to get all worked up over the straight son of a GOP senator. We filed in and got our tests and sat down to hammer them out. Two hours later, I walked out of the building, my mind numb but my head still aching. Still, all that studying had paid off. I felt pretty good about that one. I thought about heading back to Lag, but I wanted to hang with Danfield, so I waited for him. There was a bench out in front of the building, so I pulled out my economics book and pretended to read it. I actually found myself getting more and more absorbed until a voice broke into my thoughts.

“Hey, how you doing?” Cramer asked.

“I feel fine, but I'm pissed as hell. I can't play this weekend,” I said.

“Rumor has it Cole's out for longer,” he said. “Might even get tossed out of school. There's a morals clause they don't use often, but they might for him.”

“Who told you that?” I asked.

“Cole,” he said. “He came back last night. Amber dumped him.” What a cunt.

“She dumped him? That fast? Is he OK?” I asked.

Cramer raised an eyebrow, as if to ask why I would even give a shit. “Hard to tell with him. He says nothing anyway. But he was creepy weird last night.”

“Weird how?” I asked.

“He was writing all kinds of letters, getting all organized and shit,” he said.

“He in the test?” I asked.

“I left this morning before he was ready. He was moving like a big slug,” he said.

I panicked then. I knew in my heart what Cole was going to do. “Let's go!” I yelled at Cramer.

“What?” he asked.

“Come on! Run!” I yelled. He had to work his ass off to keep up with me, as I tore across the quad, then across the road to Lag. We were both panting like crazy when we got back to the dorms but I didn't stop and he stayed with me. We bolted up the stairs and down the hall to their room. I tried the door. It was locked. “Open it!” I screamed. “Fucking hurry!”

I'd made him nervous, but Cramer pulled himself together and opened the door. I charged in and found exactly what I feared I'd find. Cole was hanging from the ceiling with his belt wrapped around his neck. I grabbed his legs and lifted, which took all my strength. He was fucking heavy. Cramer almost jumped up onto a chair, moving like a speed demon now, and pulled the belt loose, letting him fall onto me. I managed to pivot him toward Cramer's bed. He started to cough and splutter. I sighed, a sigh of relief that he had procrastinated until now.

“911!” I yelled. I didn't really know what to do and Cramer didn't seem to either. I stuck my finger in his mouth and pulled his tongue forward, trying to keep his air vent open, but he was struggling still. I started rescue breathing, forcing my breath into his lungs and pushing it back out. We went on like that for what seemed like forever, and then another guy took over for me. Then the paramedics arrived and took over from him, put Cole on a stretcher, and carried him off. We just sat there, Cramer and I, staring at each other, stunned and exhausted from the events of the last hour.

“There's an envelope here for you Matt,” Cramer said, handing it to me. I took it and stuck it in my pocket. “There's one for Turner too, and Danfield.”

“Let me take care of the one for Danfield,” I said. I figured that there was bound to be an investigation into his attempted suicide, and the less shit the cops had to latch onto, the better off we'd all be. “Are there any more?”

“One for me, that's it,” he said.

“Keep it to yourself until you read it and ask Turner to do the same,” I told him. “There will be an investigation and we don't want Cole’s personal shit out in public.” He nodded.

“You saved his life,” Cramer said, looking at me in amazement. “How'd you figure that out?”

“He's not out of the woods yet,” I told him. The halls were crowded, with everyone asking questions. I suddenly felt overwhelmed. This must be what it's like for people who are claustrophobic. “I'll be in my room. I need some space,” I said. I pushed through the crowd and down to my room for some sanctuary.

I tried to analyze my feelings. The whole time I'd been running over to Lag, I'd been desperate to save Cole. I knew him, and this was just what he'd do. He must have figured it all out, figured out what a cunt Amber was, figured that she'd lied when she told him all that shit about me and the guilt would have overwhelmed him. He wasn't used to handling emotions at that level, and he would have just imploded. Yet here I was, busting my ass to save a guy who'd knocked me silly, and knocked me out of the Cal games this weekend. I felt conflicted and confused.

I heard the lock turn and felt better. It could only be Danfield, and it was. He locked the door behind him and came straight to me and enveloped me in those amazing arms of his. I just held on to him, letting the stress of this whole situation fly from my body. He felt so good, so wonderful. There was nowhere else I'd rather be. But just like the alarm this morning, it was not to be. There was a loud knock on the door, a very authoritative knock. Danfield got up and went to answer it. He opened the door slightly to peek out, and then opened it fully to let the cops in. These were university cops.

“Which one of you is Matt Carrswold?” one of them demanded.

“I am.”

“I have some questions for you.” I just looked at him. The last thing I wanted to do was talk to him, but sometimes you had to do the unpleasant thing. “You were the one who found Mr. Weber?”

“How is he?” I asked.

“I think I'm the one asking the questions here,” he asked snidely. Clearly this whole thing had frazzled his nerves.

“That's evidently not the case,” I said. He really gave me a dirty look now, but I gave him the impassive, uncaring stare I'd mastered by watching Brad and JP.

“I think you should give us some time to recover, Detective,” Danfield said firmly.

“If I need help doing my job, I'll ask you,” he snarled. “If you aren't willing to communicate, we'll have to take you in.” That comment was directed to me.

“I would recommend that you reconsider that decision,” came a familiar voice: JP.

“Who are you?” he asked rudely. That almost made me smile.

“I'm Professor JP Crampton,” he said, handing the cop one of his cards, “And you are talking to my grandson.” The cop blanched at that. A normal cop wouldn't have, but a university cop had to. Anyone with a brain knew that the faculty ruled the university, and JP was no ordinary faculty member. He was a department chair and a full professor, not just an assistant or associate professor. The cop became much more respectful. I had to force myself not to gloat as he backed up.

“How is Cole?” I demanded.

“His wind pipe was obstructed, but it's free now. He is recovering,” the cop said simply.

“Thank you. See how easy that was? You don't have to be a dick,” I said to him in a nasty tone, really pissing him off. I saw the cop behind him try not to chuckle. “You had questions for me?” Danfield was perfect, pulling up our desk chairs for the cops. He sat next to me on the bed, while JP sat across from me.

They made me describe the scene in the room, how I'd lifted Cole's legs up while Cramer undid the belt, how I'd performed CPR. I felt Danfield's fingers moving along my lower back in a subtle way so only he and I knew, making sure I knew he was there and with me. What an awesome thing to do.

“How did you know he was contemplating suicide?” the cop asked. It was like he was trying to find something to nail me on, but my conscience was clear.

“Cramer told me that his girlfriend, Amber Braden, had broken up with him. I knew how much she meant to him, and how badly that would devastate him. Then Cramer said he was acting creepy, and spending a lot of time organizing things and writing letters. That's just the kind of thing Cole would do if he was thinking of killing himself,” I said simply.

“You two were roommates but you switched. Then there was an incident at a hockey practice where he slammed you into the boards,” the cop said. “There would seem to be a lot of animosity between you two.”

“Yeah, so much animosity that I ran across campus like a fucking sprinter to save his life,” I said sarcastically.

“Were there any notes or letters he left behind?” the cop asked.

“None that I found,” I prevaricated. Fuck this guy. He didn't know shit, and he didn't know Cole.

“I think that's enough questions for today,” JP said firmly. The cop was ready to jump on him, but then caught himself. He was about to raise some polite objections when JP cut him off. “You have the story, you have the facts, anything else is just an attempt to harass my grandson. If you have further questions, you can address them to his attorney.” Wham. Just like that, JP shut the thing down. Danfield got up and ushered them out of our room and into the crowded hallway, then he closed and locked the door.

“Thanks JP. You're like a knight on a white horse,” I said. Danfield nodded.

“It seems that you were the knight on the white horse,” he said. “I just came over here to make sure you were alright.” He was so good; he made sure that when he said “you” he gestured to include Danfield.

“Cole left letters for us,” I said. I handed Danfield's to him, and tore mine open. JP just watched us read. He was too curious to leave, and I figured he'd earned the right to know what was going on.

Dear Matt,

Ten Sentences:

1. You were the best friend I ever had and I love you, I really do.
2. I'm sorry for the stunt on the ice and for telling you that you were dead to me.
3. I didn't realize what Amber was really like until tonight, when she broke up with me, telling me that I was an idiot and I'd ruined her reputation.
4. Before the practice, she told me all this shit that you supposedly did to her and told me I had to stick up for her and kick your ass, and like a fucking idiot I believed her.
5. She told me shit like that before I yelled at you in our room, and I believed her then too.
6. I thought she was the one, the girl that would make me whole, my partner for life, until tonight.
7. You once told me that I was a man of my word, and a man of honor, but a man like that can't live in a world where he's done what I did, hurting his best friend and acting like a criminal.
8. I also told you I won't ever blow you off, but I'm going to have to make that a lie bud.
9. It hurts so bad Matt, it hurts so fucking bad and I can't stand the pain, I can't stand the humiliation, I can't stand that I'm not fit to live, to breathe air.
10. You will feel guilty, everyone will, but you shouldn't feel that way because you did more to help me out, to make me feel like a good person than anyone ever did.

Love,

Cole.

What this must have done to him? The feelings inside him must have been volcanic. A guy like that, who kept to himself, who didn't trust easily, who found it even harder to love...he'd let himself go, let Amber have his heart, and she'd stomped on it. Smashed him like a cockroach crawling across the floor. I sat on the bed, crying my eyes out, sad for his pain and appreciative of the fact that he still loved me and that he was sorry. I was so absorbed in myself and my own thoughts that I almost forgot Danfield was next to me. He handed me the letter Cole wrote him, so I handed mine to him.

Danfield,

You're a good guy, a really good guy, and I loved having you as a friend. I need to ask you a favor. I need you to look out for Matt for me. He's got a problem with his kidneys, and he's gonna need a transplant. I promised him I'd be there to help him out, but I won't, so I need you to do it for me.

Cole.

I kind of freaked out about that, about him telling my kidney deal to Danfield, but how could I be mad at him? I couldn't. And this was so typical of him. He'd made a promise to me and he couldn't keep it, but he was going to make sure it was taken care of. We handed our letters to JP and just sat there. It was like there was just too much shit to deal with and my circuits were overloading.

“He is a lucky man to have such good friends,” JP said. “I will leave you two in peace. Come visit this weekend if you have time.” We nodded and hugged him, then sat back on the bed.

What a tortured young man. Once he'd fallen into Amber's clutches, he was all but doomed. But I'd led him there. I'd been the one that introduced them, so to speak. My emotions were shredded, probably because there were so many of them. I sunk my head into my hands, seeking oblivion, but instead I felt Danfield's arm around me, letting me know that he was my friend, and that he was there for me. We stayed like that for I don't know how long; I had no time reference at all. Our interlude, our bond was broken when we heard a knock on the door. “Come in!” I yelled.

Turner walked in, looking as torn up as we were. We stood up and pulled him into a three man hug, but it was more for him than me. I needed Danfield for my solace, anything else wasn't important. “I can't believe he did that,” Turner said. “I feel so bad, all the shit I said to him.”

That pissed me off, and the anger helped pull me out of my maudlin grieving. “Dude, that's bullshit. The reason he did it, did everything was that fucking cunt. So you want to feel guilty, try knowing that you're the one who introduced them.”

“You didn't make him fuck her,” Danfield said, looking pissed just like me.

“Yeah, actually I did. I was fucking her and he came in, and I turned it into a threesome,” I said.

I saw a strange look on their faces. “Christ! Carrswold, you are such a fucking slut,” Turner said, and then chuckled. The look was humor. “Lucky you Danfield. Just hang out in your room and Matt will bring chicas back for you to fuck.”

We laughed then, using the humor to ease our tension. “That bullshit about you being responsible, I don't want to hear that shit again. You didn't know she was Damien,” Danfield said, referring to “The Omen”.

“What did Cole say to you in your note?” I asked Turner, and then realized I was prying. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. It's personal.”

“He told me how much he liked the team, and how much fun he'd had, and he told me that I was a good captain.” The atmosphere became sad again. “If I was such a good fucking captain, why did one of my teammates try to kill himself?”

“You are a good captain,” Danfield said so earnestly it impressed both of us.

“You are,” I agreed. “We're all trying to blame ourselves. Well, everyone but Danfield, because he never does anything wrong,” I said, trying desperately to lighten the mood. It worked. “It's just toxic. You are a good captain. Cole wouldn't want us to feel guilty. He said so.” I read Turner the 10th sentence in his letter to me.

We kind of just stood there for a minute, letting things sit there. “You guys OK?” He asked. I nodded. “I've gotta run get ready for the game. We're gonna win tonight, and we're gonna do it for Cole.”

“Later,” I said. He didn't say anything in return, he just left.

“So what's this thing with your kidneys that I have to help you out with?” Danfield asked, trying to smile.

“I got strep throat and that gave me some rare disease that fucked up my kidneys. I seem to be doing OK now, but I'll eventually need to get a kidney transplant.”

“Dude, that totally sucks,” he said sympathetically.

“Yeah. But Robbie's a match and he's going to give me one of his kidneys when we have a break. I'm hoping I make it to summer, but we'll see,” I said. I so didn't want to get sick and go through this whole ordeal.

“So what do you need me to do?” he asked.

“Not much, other than be the friend you've been,” I said. It was probably a little too emotional, but he smiled at me. “I'll know I'm getting worse if I start getting tired a lot, and shit like that. Dizziness, puking...kind of like drinking too much at a party.” We both smiled at that thought. “That and I may turn yellow.”

“You may clash with your blond hair,” he joked.

“Listen to you sounding like a fashion designer. Which one of us is the fag?” I joked back, only that seemed to actually bother him. I chalked it up to the thought that he was probably sensitive to the whole political correctness thing and didn't like people saying ‘fag’.

“Sleeping all on top of you last night, I might as well be,” he said with a wry smile.

I had to handle that carefully. Not seem too excited so he thought I was perving on him, but not so casual that I seemed like I didn't want him to do it again. “All I know is that it was really nice.” That seemed to do it.

“Yeah it was,” he said, and blushed. He was going to have me as tightly under his finger as Amber had Cole. And that brought back my bad mood, reminding me of what brought me here. But I didn't want to live in that hell, so I went back to the other one.

“The shittiest part about the kidney thing is that before the transplant I'll have to take all these drugs to try and lower my anti-bodies, so I don't reject Robbie's kidney.”

“What kind of shit do they give you?” he asked.

“I don't remember all of it, but the pamphlet they gave me listed all the side effects and it's pretty nasty stuff. There's a good chance I'll end up bald and puking,” I said morosely.

“Well, I have an obligation to be there to put a wig on you and pop you a few Tums,” he said.

“You don't know how reassuring that is,” I told him sarcastically.

“I need to get ready. You still coming to the game?” he asked.

“Why, you want me to be your cheerleader in the stands?” I teased.

“Yeah. Get some fake boobs like most of the girls on campus.” I laughed.

“Dude, I'm gonna go see Cole, then I'll head up to the game,” I said. “Then I'm gonna get fucking wasted tonight. There's got to be a good party.”

“I hope so,” he said. “What if you run into Amber?”

Rage flew through me like a shot of Tequila. That fucking cunt. This was her fault more than anyone's. She'd used Cole, pushed him to do things that went against everything he believed in until he couldn't stand it anymore. “I might have to break my rule and hit a woman.”

“Dude, bad idea. Besides, she won't show anyway. Word about this will spread and she'll be treated like a leper, even with that smokin' body and those fake titties,” he said.

I gave him some time to himself, to put all this in perspective and to get ready for the game, taking that opportunity to head over to the hospital to see Cole. I got there and found that getting to him wasn't going to be easy. First of all, I got the runaround on where he was. Then they refused to let me see him, telling me that because of how he got here, he wasn't allowed visitors. But I'd seen his room number on the computer when the nurse had pulled it up, so I'd gotten the most vital piece of data that I needed.

“I wish we could help you sir, but we can't let you see him,” the nurse said with finality.

“Thanks anyway,” I said, pretending to surrender. I walked away morosely until I was around the corner, and then took off, looking for a hospital map. I found one, and figured out where his room was, so I headed up to that floor. I got off the elevator and headed down the hall when a nurse stopped me.

“Excuse me, you can't go down there,” she said. Shit.

“I'm sorry,” I lied, looking at a room number on the nearest door. “Crap, I'm on the wrong floor.” She rolled her eyes and I went back to the elevator and went up another floor, then wound my way over to the stairs. I went down a flight to Cole's floor where there was a sign prohibiting entry. I pulled the door a bit and it opened slightly. I was pretty psyched until I pulled it open all the way and an alarm sounded. What the fuck, I decided, and ran in. I got lucky and spotted a closet, and got even luckier when I discovered the door was unlocked. I opened it and rushed in, then hid in the corner behind some smocks and shit, trying not to let my pulsing heart give off too much noise. There were a lot of people in the hall, and I heard voices and even picked up on some words.

“That damn door sticks open. Probably someone just opened it and ran away,” a voice said. “Do a quick check and then make sure it's closed.” I heard steps heading toward me and shrunk as far back into the corner as I could, willing myself to become invisible. The guard opened the door, looked around, and left. I waited for about 15 minutes, and then headed down to Cole's room.

He was lying in a bed staring at the ceiling until he saw me come in. I held my finger over my lips to shut him up. “How'd you get in here?” he asked.

“You hear an alarm about half an hour ago?” I asked, smiling. He laughed with me.

“You don't hate me?” His eyes were so sad. I leaned in and kissed him on the lips tenderly.

“Not even. You fucked up really bad, but you said you were sorry. You're my friend. I forgive you,” I said simply.

“So you got the letter I left for you?” he asked.

“Yep. Ten sentences,” I joked. He laughed again.

“I thought you'd appreciate that,” he said.

“You're a stupid fuck for trying to kill yourself, you know that right?” I said.

“Yeah, I know that. And I'm gonna have hell to pay for it too.” He seemed resigned to all the shit he was going to have to deal with.

“Look, they're gonna find me here in a bit and I'm going to get thrown out. Before that happens, tell me, are you OK?” I asked earnestly.

“She hurt me real bad,” he said.

“Cole, that girl is evil. Not all girls are like that. You'll work your way through this, and next time you'll be more careful before you give your heart to someone.”

“I ain't never gonna fall in love again,” he said with a scary level of determination.

“Yeah, you will, because it makes you happy. Just find the right girl.”

“What are you doing in here!?” a nurse yelled. “Mr. Weber is allowed no visitors!”

“This is where I have to leave,” I said. “I'll come see you when I can.” He nodded.

A guard appeared in the doorway now. “You'll have to leave at once.”

I got up. “I love you too Cole,” I said, and followed the guard off the floor and out of the hospital.