Bloodlines - 45. Chapter 45

February 19, 1999

“You're the team fag,” my opponent said, sneering at me.

I smiled back at him. “Fuck yeah. Dude, I would so love to suck your dick.” He stared at me, totally shocked, and totally distracted as the referee dropped the puck. I slapped it back to Bledsoe and skated past the guy, knocking him aside. Too funny. I charged ahead, waiting for Bledsoe to pass it up to LeBrand. It was a perfect pass, landing right on the end of LeBrand's stick. He carried it across the blue line into the Cal zone, with me and Turner hot on his heels. I took a millisecond to think about how lucky I was, playing on a line with these guys, but then I got my mind firmly back on the game. I charged to the net as LeBrand passed it to Turner, and he wound up to take a shot. I muscled the guy blocking him out of the way and Turner let the puck fly. It went straight into the goalie's chest pad and bounced back off onto the ice, right in front of me. A golden opportunity and I took it. I flicked it with my stick ever so lightly and sent it shooting underneath the goalie and into the net. Our first goal of this, our last game against Cal for the season.

Everyone went apeshit; we always did when we played Cal. Everything that happened was magnified. I looked up in the stands and saw Jack and Claire wearing Stanford garb, sitting next to Stef and JP, all four of them screaming like demons. It was so cool to see JP let himself get enthusiastic like that and really let go. Then again, this was what happened when we played Cal.

For some reason I was on fire. Maybe it was having all this shit worked out so Wade and I could just be together and in love, or maybe I was just up today, but whatever it was, I was a rocket ship on the ice. Everything about tonight just fueled me, motivated me. The noise of the crowd, the bright lights, and the music they played when we weren't playing. Most of it was heavy metal, with the occasional Rap number thrown in. Even the smell of the rink was intoxicating. That smell of ice, distinctive to those who knew it, mixed with the pungent aroma of moldy hockey gear and sweaty hockey players, so unique to this sport.

I went onto the ice at the beginning of the second period, facing off against the same guy. “This is the guy who wants to blow me,” he said to his teammates. Fuck him. He went to school in Berkeley, liberal bastion of the entire West Coast. There was no way you could go to Cal and be a fag-hater.

“I do, and I even swallow. Ever felt throat muscles wrap around the head of your cock when you blow?” I asked. He freaked, and I won the face off again. Turner tried not to laugh as he got the puck from me and shot it up to LeBrand. I took off and was almost to the blue line when a beautiful pass from Turner put the puck right on my stick. Cal's two defense goons came at me; the first one missed me, while the second one hit me but only knocked me off track for a second. I let my body pivot, dissipating the force of his hit. Then I was directly in front of the goalie, and he was the only one between me and the goal.

I'd watched this guy, and I'd noticed how he fell for the fake if you did it right. My mind was working like lightning as I plotted how to fake enough just to throw him off balance. I leaned in like I was going to blast right, and just when I saw him shift his weight to match me, I threw myself back to the left, shot passed him, and knocked the puck right into the goal. Two goals in one game and a Cal game at that!

“Dude, you are fucking amazing tonight!” Wade said as he slapped my helmet to congratulate me. “Everyone is going to want to fuck you.”

“As long as you do, I'm good,” I said, winking at him. I got lots of shifts, the coach recognizing that I was on, big time, and in the third period, I managed to add an assist to my two goals. We won 4-2 and it was fucking awesome. The crowd went wild. I found myself wishing that I'd gotten three goals, a hat trick, so the hats would fly down on the ice. Those were pretty rare moments, but if I'd been able to pull it off in a Cal game, it would have happened. I smiled to myself, thinking about what an egotistical bastard I was, unwilling to be satisfied with two goals and an assist, and winning the game.

We did the sportsmanship walk and glove-bumped on the way down the line, although it wasn't the normal happy, friendly shit. When we played Santa Clara or even UCLA, it was all jovial, and the Santa Clara guys had even invited us to a party. Not these guys, not Cal. These were our blood rivals, and we'd just kicked their asses. The guy I'd been taunting all night bumped me extra hard, and that just made me laugh. After everyone cleared off the ice, they announced the three stars of the game. I was the number one star, and got to skate out on the ice and wave while the remnants of the crowd cheered for me.

I walked into the locker room to the thundering cheers of my teammates. “You fuckin' rocked tonight Carrswold,” Farrier said. That was probably the first nice thing he'd said to me. It was so cool to be hanging out in the locker room after a great game, to be with these guys who had become such a big part of my life and to feel their respect. I hopped in the shower with the rest of them and marveled at how no one gave a shit that I was gay. LeBrand soaped his dick up and got it semi-hard, trying to tease me, but rather than it being erotic, it was just funny as hell. Still, he did have a really nice dick. I looked over at Wade and winked at him.

We headed out into the lobby and got swamped by our fans, fellow students who were into hockey. After a loss, I usually skulked out, avoiding them and the patronizing platitudes they'd offer. “You guys will win next time,” or “You played a good game.” That just made things worse. But tonight it was all fun and cheer, everyone was up, we were victorious.

“Would you and Wade like to join us for dinner at the Trattoria?” JP asked. “I’ll understand if you have other commitments.”

Wade looked at me. “Real food,” he said simply. That was his overriding life theme, the desire to find and devour real food. That boy had a major appetite.

“Sounds great, JP. The parties won't end before we get there,” I said jovially. We followed them to this really cool Italian restaurant, much nicer than the one we usually went to when it was just the team.

“You guys kicked ass,” Jack said cheerfully, giving me a high-five as soon as we joined them at the table.

“You certainly made me proud to be a Cardinal,” Claire said in her normal, elegant manner. Wade and I just blushed and smiled, reveling in the praise from these people we loved and respected. Finally, after we stuffed as much food as we could into our stomachs, we excused ourselves and headed back to campus.

“Where's the gig tonight?” I asked.

“Dee Gee house,” Wade said. Of course he'd know. “Let's see if I still get mobbed now that they know I'm gay.” That was pretty funny. This would be our first party after we came out. I wondered how many of the girls that were willing to fuck the son of a Senator were willing to fuck the same guy now that he was out of the closet.

“You think they'll even let us in?” I asked. I didn't really know any DGs.

“Fuck yeah. We'll be the hottest couple there. Everyone will be watching to see if we make out,” Wade teased.

“Will we?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“We'll see. Depends on how drunk we are,” Wade joked. We headed straight to the DG house and found pretty much everyone there. It was like our team was throwing the party, not the DGs.

Shelby came up to us and giggled. I didn't know she was a DG, but that was really the only explanation for her presence at one of their parties. “I didn't know I was wasting my time flirting with you Wade.”

“Who says you were wasting your time?” Wade said. “You think you could handle two guys at once?” The thought of doing her with Wade suddenly seemed fucking hot as hell.

“I like to give my attention to just one man,” she said.

“At a time,” I added, and she pretended to be pissed off. We were friends, and she knew I was just giving her shit. I saw Cole come walking in with Allison and nudged Wade. She was probably the only A-Ho the DG girls would let into their party.

They walked up to us nervously. “Hey Allison,” I said, blatantly flirting.

“Hello Matt,” she said, and rolled her eyes. Cole just shook his head. They made such a cute couple. This was the girl Cole should have found the first time; she was the perfect person for him. And Cole had told me she was even a virgin. Personally, I found that to be a turn-off, but a guy like Cole, obsessed with female honor and virtue, thought it was cool as fuck.

“Would you like something to drink?” he asked her, so respectfully it made me chuckle.

“I'll have a beer,” she said. “Thank you Cole.” He blushed slightly, and then looked at me meaningfully. He wanted to talk to me.

“How about you, baby?” I asked Wade. “Can I get you something to drink?”

“I'll have a beer too,” he said. “For now.” I laughed at his blatant sexual reference, and laughed even harder when Allison didn't get it at all. Cole gave me a dirty look. Alluding to my boyfriend blowing me and swallowing my load was evidently not something we could do in front of Allison. I wandered off to the keg with Cole.

“You guys had any trouble this week?” he asked.

“Nope. Nothing. Kind of freaks me out a little bit,” I said. “Like I should watch my back.”

“I don't know about that,” he said. “Everyone seems pretty cool with it.” He swallowed hard. “We're thinking about doing it.”

“It?” I asked. If I had to guess, I'd say he was trying to tell me he was going to fuck Allison, but I wasn't sure.

“Sex. We're thinking about having sex,” he said, frustrated.

“Dude, you think about that all the time,” I teased. He gave me a dirty look. He was trying to be serious. “I'm sorry. So what's wrong with that? It sounds great.”

“I, uh, I've never slept with a virgin before. Is there something I should do, or know?”

“I've only been with one virgin before,” I said. Ashley had been a virgin, I'd gotten her cherry. That must really piss her off now, I thought, knowing that she'd given it up to a fag. I put that aside and refocused on Cole. “I think you have to go really slow, and get her really into it first. Lots of foreplay. Use your tongue,” I said.

“Will she bleed?” he asked.

“There's a membrane, if it's there and it breaks, she may bleed a little bit. And it may hurt the first time, not for you, but for her,” I told him. “You really need to try and get her to fuck you again, after the first time.”

“Well duh,” he said. “Why?”

“The first time may not be all that much fun for her, it may hurt. If you get her to go again, while she's still in the mood, the second time should be way better, and you may get her into it. You want to fire her up so she wants to fuck all the time.”

“I can do that,” he said, grinning.

“Konrad may know more than I do,” I told him.

“Maybe, but he usually screws sluts. The women he's with haven't seen their cherry in years,” Cole joked.

“True that,” I agreed, laughing. We went back to our dates and not long after that Cole and Allison left.

“What was that all about?” Wade asked.

“Cole's gonna try and close the deal,” I said.

“Really? Cool. Why did he want to talk to you? He planning to fuck her in the ass?” he said, giving me shit.

“He knows I'm a great lover. You go for quantity, I go for quality,” I teased. Wade rolled his eyes. “She's a virgin, and he wanted to know if there was anything special he needed to do.”

“That's cool. I hope this one works out for him. They seem perfect for each other,” Wade said.

“Kind of like us,” I said, and gazed into his eyes. He just sucked me in, pulling my whole soul inside his body. We broke our gaze and focused on enjoying the party, but neither one of us strayed from the other. I was totally and completely in love with this guy. I drank way too much, of course, and so did Wade, but we were still coherent, just playful.

“Let's bail,” I said, giving him my slutty look.

He laughed. “You got it stud.” We wandered out of the party and headed back to Lag. We walked up to the door and I saw Carullo over to the side, puking in the bushes. Wade looked at me and nodded. I walked over to Carullo and put my hand on his back. He'd avoided me all week, and when he'd accidentally looked at me, he just looked sad.

He turned around and saw me. He looked happy at first, and then he got mad. “Get the fuck away from me.”

“Dude, I'm really sorry,” I told him. “I didn't mean to hurt you.”

“I liked you bro,” he said sadly. “I thought we had something really cool.”

“I like you too. I still do. But I fell in love with Wade,” I said.

“Yeah, well that was a surprise,” he said with a sneer. He was on the verge of getting pissed off when Wade pushed me out of the way so he was in front of Carullo. It was a really sweet thing to do, and pretty brave.

“That was my fault,” Wade said. Carullo blinked, as if he was seeing Wade for the first time. I thought he'd be pissed at Wade, but he wasn't, he just had a blank look on his face. “I was so in the closet, I wouldn't let Matt tell anyone. He wanted to, but I was too paranoid to let him. I'm really sorry. He's told me what an awesome guy you are. It's my fault you got burned. I feel really bad about that.”

“It's cool,” he said simply. I held my hand out, smiling, offering to help him up and asking him to be my friend at the same time. He took my hand and made me really fucking heave to pull him up, then we helped him upstairs. We got to his room, and visions of a threesome flashed through my head, but Carullo just fell forward onto his bed and passed out. Wade and I headed back to our room, but we stayed awake for quite a while.

February 20, 1999

“You ready to go?” Wade asked. We were heading up to Escorial to hang out and have real food for a change. “You OK?”

“I'm just tired,” I said, lying. Well, not entirely. I was tired, so tired. It's like ever since I woke up I couldn't move faster than a crawl. My whole body ached, I was nauseous, and I felt really light-headed. We walked down to the GMC, and I tried to act all normal but I couldn't pull it off.

“Keys,” Wade demanded, holding out his hand. I just handed them to him and climbed into the passenger seat. We drove up to Escorial in silence. I was waiting for him to start the third degree, and to start giving me some serious shit, but he didn't say anything. My mind was foggy, and it took me a while to realize that he didn't have to say anything. Jack would probably be there, and he'd probably shuttle me straight to the fucking hospital.

“Maybe we should just go out,” I suggested. I didn't want to go spend hours of my precious weekend in the hospital. I didn't want to be poked and probed, at least not by anyone but Wade.

“Nope. We're on our way to Escorial,” he said.

“You know what's going to happen. We'll get there and Jack will make me go to the hospital,” I whined.

“That's exactly what's going to happen. But if I try and take you straight to the hospital, you'll bitch and moan and end up all pissed off at me. This way, you can direct all of your attitude toward Jack,” he said matter-of-factly.

“You suck,” I told him, then sat back and quit talking. We got to Escorial and Wade parked the GMC in back. It seemed like the driveway was so long, like it would take forever to even get to the fucking house. Damn this place was big. I walked in to find JP and Stef waiting to greet us.

“You do not look so well,” Stef observed.

“I'm just hung over,” I said. “I need to crash, and then I'll be fine.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Wade shake his head, and it pissed me off. But being pissed off seemed to take a lot of energy, so I just let it go.

“Well why don't you relax in the television room,” JP suggested. “You can watch the Stanford game on television.” I nodded and headed in to see how we were doing. I felt like I was being led into a trap, but I had no energy to fight anyone.

I dozed off, only to be awakened in what seemed like no time at all. I looked at the clock, and it had only been twenty minutes, yet here, standing in front of me, was Jack.

“You look like the grim reaper,” I said. “Fuck off.”

He just stared at me, with that look of superiority that doctors always had. “I fight the grim reaper every day. I don't look like him at all,” he said simply.

“You sound fucking profound,” I groused.

“Someone certainly is cranky today,” he said, treating me like I was a kid. I couldn't help but smile at him and his playfulness. “You know what comes next.”

“A prostate exam? Fuck yeah!” I said as enthusiastically as I could in my current state of fatigue.

“Very funny. I'm sure your prostate is very healthy,” he joked.

“What do you mean?”

“We have to take you to the hospital and find out why you're weak,” he said sternly.

“Dude, I just have a cold. It's no big deal. If I can just sleep for an hour or so, eat a good meal, I'll bounce right back,” I argued, although I wasn't entirely convinced of that myself.

“Matthew, arguing is really just a waste of energy,” JP said, appearing next to Jack as if by magic. “Rafael is bringing the car around now.”

I was going to put up a fight, but I looked into his eyes at his resolute expression and knew that it was a waste of time. “Where's Wade?” I asked. And of course he was right there, in the room with me.

“Right here bro,” he said. He and Jack pulled me up and helped me to the limo. I really was out of it. Just getting into the limo took a lot of effort, and Wade's help. Getting out at the hospital was no better, but there were people there to help me out, to put me on a gurney and shuttle me into the hospital.

Jack was a God. He took charge and got me into the hospital without the normal bullshit wait in the ER. And he made sure that Wade could be there with me the whole time. It seemed like they took gallons of blood, and then set me up in a room.

“How are you doing?” Jack asked as he came in to check on me.

“I feel great,” I said sarcastically.

“We're keeping you here for the time being,” he said. “Until we get the blood test results back and know what's knocked you on your ass, anyway.”

“Can I stay here?” Wade asked. I looked over at him, trying to tell him how much I loved him with just my eyes. He told me he loved me right back. It was so cool to be so close to someone that you could just read each other's mind.

“We'll make sure we have the other bed set up for you,” Jack said with a grin. “Hang in there. I'll let you know as soon as we hear something.”

“You don't have to stay here Jack. It's the weekend. Go home and be with your family,” I said earnestly.

“You are my family, dumb ass,” he said. “I'll be back later.”

“You don't have to stay here if you don't want to,” I told Wade.

“I want to,” he said simply. “I do need to go get my fucking books and shit. I'm going to let you sleep for a bit while I do that, OK?”

“Yeah, that's fine,” I said, smiling. “Bring mine too, will ya? Just in case I get a burst of energy.”

He nodded and gave me a quick kiss, then vanished. I felt really alone, very alone, but I took that opportunity to do what he suggested and got some sleep.

February 21, 1999

Someone was shaking me, trying to wake me up. I fought them, ignoring them. I was so tired, so very tired, and all I wanted to do was sleep. But the shaking continued until I finally resigned myself to wake up. I opened my eyes, and found that even that required an extreme effort.

“Matt?” Jack asked.

“Yeah,” I said. My voice sounded pathetically weak, even to me. Someone was holding my hand and I instinctively knew it was Wade. I squeezed his hand, at least as much as I could. “My kidneys giving out?” I managed to ask.

“No, actually your kidneys seem to be working just fine,” Jack said, but he had a grim look on his face.

“Then what's wrong with me?”

“We've narrowed it down to three possibilities, and all of them are bad news.” I just stared at him and gulped, just waiting for him to go on. “The best possibility is that this is mono. That would explain your weakness, and the pain. You have some pretty strange white blood cells, which could also be a mono thing, or it could be worse. It could be leukemia.” I gulped and I saw him trying to be all factual, but he couldn't. I knew he cared about me, but he was so upset he was showing how much. “The symptoms you're exhibiting match one other malady. They're the same as an Acute HIV infection.”

“I have AIDS?” I asked, horrified. I felt Wade's hand flutter, reminding me that as much as he loved me, AIDS was probably a deal killer.

“We don't know yet. We have to get the test results back. Have you had unprotected sex?” Jack asked.

“Yeah,” I said.

“Have you Wade?” Jack asked.

“Yeah,” he said reluctantly.

“You know, you guys are smart enough to know better,” Jack said, clearly pissed off. “You are both so bright and have so much potential, too much to waste it on Russian roulette sex.”

I didn't say anything, I couldn't say anything, and Wade didn't either. He'd had unprotected sex with me and his father. This must be horrible for him. “When will we know?” I asked.

“We should have the results back in three to seven days,” Jack said. “Wade, I want to test you now.”

“Alright,” I heard him say. The sadness in his voice was heartbreaking. I felt him let go of my hand and it was like my lifeline was gone. I felt alone and adrift.

“You should just rest,” Jack said. “I promise I'll let you know as soon as I hear something.” Then he was gone, and I was alone. All alone.

I tried to focus internally, to read my own body. Did I have it? I willed my body to tell me, but it wouldn't, or couldn't. If I had this thing, who did I get it from? It couldn't be Kelso or Cam, because I'd been tested long enough after I had sex with them. It would have shown up. It could be that cop in Texas. It could be Cody. He made it sound like he was so safe, but then he could have been playing me big time. He'd fucked around with Brian, that skank, and he'd done it without a condom. God only knew who Brian had done. He could very well be infected. I got pissed off, at Cody and at myself, for letting him fuck me without a condom. What a dumb shit I was. I should have known better. I should have used a condom all the time.

I thought about the other guys I'd been with and had unprotected sex with. With Lou, and Max, I'd always used a condom. But not with Carullo. Carullo always seemed like the kind of guy who'd be safe, but then again, we'd fucked without a condom, both of us as the penetrator. I thought about how easily he took my dick in his ass. I definitely wasn't his first. He'd been fucked before, probably lots of times. Was he safe? He hadn't been with me. Why would I think that he was safe with other guys? He'd been drunk when we'd fucked that first time. Maybe he'd been drunk before, maybe he'd let some nasty dude fuck him.

And then there was the most horrifying thought of all. What if it was Wade? What if he'd gotten it from his father? His bitch mother had said she knew he fucked around, that he had his women on the side. Was he safe with them? He fucked Wade without a condom. What a fucking douche bag that guy was. I felt the hate and rage surge through my body. If I had it, maybe I'd go ahead and just kiss my ass goodbye and murder that asshole. But the rage had worn me out, and I had to let it go.

Maybe I didn't have it. Maybe I just had mono. Not that that wouldn't totally suck. My whole quarter would be fucked up. If I was laid up for that long, would Wade stick around? I got pissed at myself for thinking that he was that shallow and that his feelings for me were so fleeting. He loved me; there was no question about it.

My mind bounced back to the HIV possibility. If I had AIDS, would Wade stay with me? That was a different beast entirely. That's the kind of thing that could possibly even trump love. If I was positive and he was negative, would he? It would be easy to say that he wouldn't, but I knew he loved me. He might just do that, he might stay with me. Did I want him to? Selfishly, I did. He was my world. I'd found love, I'd wallowed in it, savored it. I didn't want to give it up. But I didn't want to risk infecting him either. I drifted off to sleep again, distraught and disoriented.

I woke up later, and if I would have had the energy, a smile would have broken out across my face. Wade was here, and he was in bed with me, his body against mine, his face nuzzled into my neck. I tried to stroke his back but I couldn't do it for long.

“Just rest, get better,” he said.

“What if I have it?” I asked him.

“Then you have it,” he said. “There are all kinds of drugs they're using to slow it, to fight it. They'll give you one of those cocktails, and you'll be fine.”

“I can't put you through that, through being with me while I deal with that shit, while I get weak and just fade away,” I told him morosely.

“Dude, this isn't 1985. It's not a death sentence anymore. I mean, it's not good news, and we'll have to be careful when we fuck, but it doesn't change who you are, and how I feel about you,” he said. “Besides, I may have it too. We may be in this boat together.”

“I love you. No matter what happens, that will never change,” I told him. I felt his lips on my neck, but I was too weak to get an erection. Still, in my mind I did.

“And I love you. So let's not worry about it, OK? We'll just take it one day at a time. It's way too painful to think about this whole thing, to think that we might have it, and to think about how we might have gotten it,” he said. My heart went out to him for having to deal with being molested yet again. I decided to try and lighten things up.

“You mean Mr. Organized, the man who has everything planned out to the last minute detail, wants to go with the flow?” I teased.

“Maybe I'm learning to relax a little bit,” he said. “Now shut the fuck up and go back to sleep so you can get better and fuck my brains out.”

I giggled, to the degree that I could, and did just that, drifting off with Wade next to me. The warmth of his body, the feel of his breath on my neck, and the pounding of his heartbeat were more than enough to keep me going.