-- Chapter 12 --

For Levi, the drive back up to the country felt different this time. Somehow, the world seemed so much bigger now, at least when compared to what it had been just a few weeks ago.

Matt drove while Levi sat in the passenger seat, one arm out the open window, holding his hand out with fingers splayed, as the warm inland air rushed past his fingers and through the car. The mountains rose again in the distance, familiar and yet strangely distant now, almost like a foreign land.

‘You nervous about going back?’ Matt asked after a long stretch of comfortable silence.

Levi shrugged. ‘Not really. I mean, a bit, maybe. Mostly it just feels . . . weird. I lived there almost my whole life. Coming to Thompsonville was just like a trip away, like visiting someone else’s town, but it won’t feel like that for long, then everything will be changed around. I guess once my stuff gets taken down to your place, that’ll be when it all changes.’

Matt nodded. ‘We’ll take it slow, mate. Pack what you want, sort out what needs sorting, and get out. You’ve already got most of your stuff packed anyway, so no need to drag it out.’

Levi nodded, then looked back out the window at the passing scenery.

When they pulled into their old home town it was mid-afternoon, and Levi felt a strange ache in his chest. As they drove through town to Matt’s parent’s place, the town already looked smaller than he remembered. He figured that’s just what happens when you step outside your own little bubble and see how big the rest of the world really is.

Levi’s grandmother greeted them warmly when they pulled to a stop in the backyard, before telling them that the kettle was on and there was a freshly-baked cake ready for afternoon tea. After only having had sandwiches at one of the small stops on the road, this was welcome news for father and son.

‘We can go back to the house in the morning,’ Matt suggested. ‘If there’s something you want to do this afternoon though, we can do that.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes, of course.’

‘I think . . . I think I’d like to go to the cemetery, if that’s okay. Then can we go to the lookout?’

‘The lookout? Well, if that’s what you want . . .’

‘I do. I don’t know why . . . but I want to go there . . . if that’s okay?’

‘Yeah, Levi. That’s more than okay.’

*   *   *

The sun was still bright and hot in a clear sky when Matt and Levi came to a stop at the lookout, but it wouldn’t be long before it dipped closer to the rim of the mountains to the west of the town to begin its journey to the other side of the world, only to rise again in the morning.

Matt cut the engine and just sat there, waiting for Levi to say something, but the boy only seemed to be looking out the window at something. Still, Matt didn’t want to push him, so he opened the door and stepped out into the heat of the late afternoon, then walked to the front of the Commodore and sat on the edge of the bonnet, while looking out over the town.

Moments later Matt heard the car door open and Levi’s foot land on the loose gravel. When he glanced back over his shoulder, the boy was coming his way and before long he was leaning back against the bonnet of the car beside his father.

‘I like it up here,’ Levi eventually said. ‘I don’t know why mum or pop never brought me here.’

‘I guess that’ll just be a mystery you’ll never have an answer for.’

‘No. And probably just one of many, I would say,’ Levi replied.

Matt looked at him, studying the kid’s profile. He almost had to pinch himself every time he did so, as it was like looking at a sixteen-year-old mirror containing an image frozen in time. Sixteen years since he’d broken up with Julie. Wow! Where had that gone?

‘I . . . I’m trying to figure it all out, but it’s not easy . . . you know, like what’s going to happen in the future?’ Levi said quietly.

‘You might not realise it, but that makes two of us, mate.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, we’ve both had our lives disrupted . . . in different ways, of course, but by the same event. You’ve lost your mother, which can be the single most heart-wrenching thing that any child can ever have happen to them . . .’

‘And you?’

‘Oh, what I might have lost isn’t anywhere near as important as what you’ve lost, Levi.’

‘Don’t duck the question,’ Levi demanded, while offering a small smile. ‘What did you mean?’

Matt studied him for what seemed like a long time, seemingly trying to make up his mind as to whether or not he should say it out loud.

‘After Luke and I got together, we thought we had the future all worked out,’ Matt eventually said. ‘We had each other. We lived in a great place. We had great friends. Life has been pretty cruisy, all things considered.’

‘But then?’

‘Well, then things changed . . . as they always seem to do. A blast from the past. Something totally out of the blue. And now I have responsibilities that I never expected, or thought, I would ever have.’

‘And I suppose that’s all my fault then, is it?’

Matt’s head snapped in Levi’s direction.

‘No!’ he said. And possibly a little more forcefully than he intended, which made Levi jump slightly. ‘It is not your fault! So get that idea right out of your head. All I lost was that cruisy life that I talked about . . . but it was replaced by something way better . . . a connection I never in my wildest dreams expected to ever make.’

Levi stared at him, but said nothing.

‘I didn’t think I’d ever have kids. To be honest, even when your mum and I were together in high school I don’t think we ever so much as thought about kids. That was something for later, you know, if we even made it that far. We were just kids ourselves and worrying about those sorts of things doesn’t really enter your mind at that age.’

‘And yet here I am,’ Levi said, quietly.

Matt looked at him for a long while, while trying to figure out what was going on in the boy’s mind.

‘Some things just happen, Levi. And they usually happen for a reason. I don’t regret the relationship I had with your mother. We did love each other . . . but we were both young, and impulsive, like most teenagers are, but sometimes people do change . . . and I guess we both did . . .’

‘Go on,’ urged Levi.

‘What I do regret is that I didn’t know anything at all about you until just a few weeks ago. I regret not staying in touch with Julie at all . . . because if I’d done that, then chances are you wouldn’t have made it to fifteen without your father in your life, in some way or another.’

‘But what about . . . you know . . . the fact that me being here changes everything for you? And for Luke . . .’

‘Do you see me complaining? We’re both glad to have you in our lives. Sure, it might mean a few changes for us all, and it might also take a little while for us all to get used to each other, but I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Luke and I, and your grandparents as well, we’re all here for you, and we’ll do whatever it takes to help you settle in and become the person you deserve to become.’

As he said this, Matt noticed Levi again reach up and touch the cross that hung around his neck, always on the outside of his t-shirt. He knew that it was important to him, as the one memento of the only family Levi had ever known, that he would be able to carry with him, no matter where he went.

Levi gave a nod, but didn’t say anything, then moments later he slid off the bonnet of the car and walked over to the lookout railing and looked down at the town below, looking for some familiar landmarks; like the church he attended, his school, the local shopping centre. He knew that he would soon be leaving this place, to move down to the coast with Matt and Luke, and he didn’t know how many more times he would get to take in this scene, but what he did know was that he didn’t want this to be the last time he came here.

Turning back around to face his father, he leant against the railing.

‘Can you promise me something?’

‘What’s that?’

‘I like it up here, and I don’t want this to be the last time I come here. I would like this place to be a place where we can come to talk honestly, about anything at all . . . away from everyone and everything . . . with no distractions! Can we do that?’

‘I think that’s a great idea. I’ll also take you to a place in T’ville that is almost the same, when we get back there. There’s a lookout on the mountain, with views over the town and the ocean. You ever need to have a one-on-one talk, about anything at all, we can go for a drive, I promise.’

‘Thanks.’

They let the silence hang between them for a few moments, then Levi turned back around and looked down at the town once more. Matt stood and walked over to him and leaned against the railing himself.

He wondered what was going through the boy’s head right now. Was there something troubling him? He wouldn’t be surprised if there was, as he still hadn’t said a great deal in the short time they had been together.

‘So, is there anything worrying you now?’ Matt ventured to ask.

Levi glanced sideways at his father for just a moment, before looking back down below. There was something weighing on his mind, but he wasn’t sure how to broach the subject. Or whether he even should.

‘You said you wanted a place where we can come to talk honestly,’ Matt offered. ‘You can say anything, ask anything, whatever you want. I won’t judge. I promise.’

Levi took a few breaths. His hands were trembling slightly. Something inside his chest felt tight, as if it was being squeezed.

‘I . . . I think I’m getting used to the idea of you and Luke . . . you know, being . . .’

‘Gay?’

‘Yeah. That.’

‘Okay then. That’s good. That’s a start, right?’

‘I guess you’re both my dads now? Does that make sense?’

‘Yeah, I guess it does.’

‘Kind of feels weird, but . . .’

‘Not just for you, Levi.’

Levi smiled at that, but only for a moment. Then his expression grew serious once more.

‘I was always told that being gay was wrong . . . you know, a sin . . .’ Levi said, before a pause. ‘But also, anyone who was gay only ever wanted one thing . . . and I needed to stay away from them, because they would only want to . . . you know . . .’

For the briefest of moments, Matt wasn’t sure that he heard him correctly, but then he realised just what it was that Levi was saying. If someone was gay, then all they would want would be sex. That all gays were sex fiends, child molesters, or rapists!

Sweet, Jesus!

He’d heard this said before, of course, but now it was his own son saying that was what he had been taught!

Matt looked down at his hands, which gripped the steel railing, and was surprised to see his knuckles were showing white, he was holding on so tight. He took a few deep breaths, then looked back at Levi, who was now studying him intently.

‘Levi . . . no, that’s not right, mate. Fear of all gay people might be real, and I get that, I’ve seen it myself. But it’s not rational. It’s just like some people have a fear of all black people, or all Muslims. It’s just not like that in the real world. Being gay gets demonised, because people need to blame someone – or something – for all the bad in the world! It’s just a convenient scapegoat.’

Levi nodded slowly. He understood what Matt was saying.

‘I feel safe with you and Luke . . . you’ve been nothing but kind, even if at times I’ve pushed you away. But in the back of my head, those old warnings are still there when I think about your friends in Thompsonville. I mean, they seem nice, but what if . . . what if they’re like those people I’ve been warned about?’

‘No, Levi! They’re nothing like that. And you can trust me on that. Luke and I are here to keep you safe. I promise you that. But if anyone tries anything with you, they’ll have me to answer to. And I’ll want to know about it, okay?’

‘Yeah, okay,’ Levi replied quietly.

For a moment Matt thought about reaching out and hugging his son, but then he decided against it. If Levi was concerned about anything that might be deemed to be gay, then he knew that he still needed to exercise caution. The last thing he would want to do would be to freak him out with something that would almost seem to be innocuous to most people.

For Levi, however, there was something else on his mind. The discovery of his father being gay had brought on other concerns in the short time that they had known each other. If his father was gay, could that mean that Levi himself might be gay? What if he found himself being attracted to another male person? What if he acted on those feelings? What if he became a sinner, destined for hell and damnation? Or what if, like Matt said, the fear of gay people really was irrational?

For possibly the first time he could remember, his thoughts included words that he swore he would never use!

‘Fuck! Why is life becoming so hard?’

*   *   *

That night, after dinner and family discussions about how their days went, Levi excused himself and went to his room, where he lay back on the bed and started reading a book. Thoughts were still swirling around in his head about the discussions he’d had with his father, but he was slowly beginning to see things a little more clearly.

His upbringing had taught him certain values, and while he still held a deep faith, and knew that he would always continue to do so, he was slowly beginning to realise that perhaps not everything he had been taught was necessarily the truth.

A short while later he heard footsteps in the hallway and looked towards the doorway to see Matt appear. He sat up and swung around, placing his feet on the floor, then Matt came in and sat down beside him.

‘Thank you for today,’ Levi said to him. ‘And for our talk this afternoon.’

‘Anytime, Levi. And I mean that.’

‘I guess there is a lot I just don’t understand about the world I live in.’

‘You’re only fifteen, mate. And I think you’ve been sheltered from a lot of what goes on in the world, by your mum and pop. They obviously had their reasons, but I wish I could understand more about why?’

‘I’m beginning to wish the same thing,’ Levi replied. ‘I’ve been thinking about it as well. I know it was pop who was the strict one . . . maybe something to do with what mum was like when she was younger, and getting pregnant . . .’

He glanced at Matt when he said that and saw the recognition dawn on his father’s face at that comment.

Levi pushed on. ‘He always used to say things about teenagers running wild and not obeying their parents, or their church . . . I can see now how controlling that was, but it was all I ever knew.’

Matt nodded. Things were finally making sense to him. Julie being packed up and sent to stay with relatives when it was discovered she was pregnant, although it was perhaps a little surprising that she wasn’t forced to give up her baby for adoption.

Maybe she dug her toes in and refused? If that was the case, then good on her, Matt thought.

‘Can you remember much from when you were really young? Like, from before you moved back here to live with your grandfather?’

He watched as Levi’s brow seemed to twist slightly.

‘Probably more than I originally thought. I can remember Sydney, and the harbour, and the Opera house. We lived in small houses, mostly real dumps, sometimes with other women with children, sometimes in different houses, with several different men – her boyfriends – but it was never for very long . . .’

‘I see.’

‘It all kind of, just blurred together, if you know what I mean?’

‘Yeah, I think I do, Levi. And then you came back to live here, with your pop, when you were about five, I think your mum said.’

‘Yeah. I remember mum having an argument with her boyfriend . . . I can’t remember his name . . . then after that we came back here to live with pop. I guess we didn’t have anywhere else to go.’

‘What else can you remember from back then? You said your pop was strict . . . I can remember him from when I was dating your mother, and he always came across as being cranky.’

‘Cranky? That’s being kind, I think.’

‘Oh?’

‘Well, now I’ve been thinking about it, we were living under his roof . . . and his rules. I remember mum and him arguing about it sometimes. That’s probably why there was a lot of stuff I never got to have, or experience . . . because he wouldn’t allow it. I know I shouldn’t say this, but he really was an old tyrant. You’ve heard the saying “my way or the highway” haven’t you? That was pop, to a tee.’

‘I see.’

‘Mum really did try her best, but there was only so much she could do. He was the one who made us go to church, who preached the bible, and while I found comfort in the church, and the bible, it was kind of forced on me, at least to start with.’

‘I guess that makes sense.’

Matt looked around the room and noticed the shelf where his trophies once sat, upon which there now sat several photo frames, with photos of Julie, and Levi’s grandparents. When he stood and took a closer look at them, he was surprised to also find the frame he had most recently recalled seeing in their house, which contained a photo of Julie, along with a smaller photo of himself, stuck in one corner. The jewellery box, which contained Julie’s rings and some other pieces was also there; all things that were personal and had belonged to Levi’s mum, along with a leather-bound bible.

Matt picked up the book and looked at it. When he glanced back in the direction of Levi, after placing the bible back on the shelf, he was surprised to find the boy standing beside him.

‘I . . . I still believe in God, and my religion,’ Levi said quietly.

‘And I won’t ever try to take that away from you, Levi.’

‘But I have also been thinking about some of the other things you’ve said recently . . . you know, about making up my own mind about things, instead of just believing everything I’ve always been told . . .’

‘And I’m really pleased about that.’

Levi looked up into his father’s eyes. Matt could see that there was still some confusion there, even some trepidation, perhaps.

He saw a boy who was struggling with coming to terms with what life had thrown at him. He saw a boy who needed someone to guide him, to hold him, and so that was what he did. He opened his arms and let Levi in, and just like the last time, Levi embraced his father, hugging him tightly, almost as if he was scared that he might lose Matt also.

To be continued . . .