-- Chapter 4 --

By the time they returned to the hospital, nothing had changed. That was the awful thing. The nurses still moved quietly between rooms. The corridor still smelled faintly of disinfectant and stale coffee. The same old man sat in the visitors’ lounge with a newspaper open on his lap, though Matt doubted he had read a word.

Matt had somehow expected the world to feel different after the conversation around his parents’ kitchen table. He had expected some kind of shift, some sign or visible marker that things had altered. But there was nothing.

When they reached Julie’s room they found it was still dim. Levi was still beside the bed. And Julie was still dying.

She looked even smaller than she had the previous evening. Matt noticed it the moment he stepped into the room. Her skin seemed almost translucent against the pillow, her breathing shallow and uneven. One hand lay on top of the blanket, thin fingers curled slightly, as though she were trying to hold on to something nobody else could see.

Levi glanced up when they entered. Not hopefully. Not warmly. Just up.

His eyes moved from Matt to Luke, then to Matt’s parents, before returning to his mother.

‘Any change?’ Matt asked quietly.

Levi shook his head.

Luke moved forward first, gentle in that way he had of entering a room without taking it over.

‘Hey, mate,’ he said softly.

Levi didn’t answer, but he didn’t look away either.

Julie stirred at the sound of Luke’s voice. Her eyelids fluttered, then opened slowly. For a second she seemed confused, as though surfacing from deep water. Then she saw them.

‘You came back,’ she whispered.

‘Of course,’ Matt replied, while standing just inside the doorway, and suddenly feeling useless. ‘And I brought Luke.’

A faint smile touched her mouth. ‘Good.’

Matt’s mother stepped forward and kissed Julie lightly on the forehead. His father said hello in a low voice, awkward but kind. Julie seemed to take comfort from their presence, though Matt could see how much effort it cost her to remain awake.

After a while, she looked toward Luke.

‘Can I talk to you?’

Luke glanced at Matt, surprised.

‘Of course.’

Matt’s parents quietly excused themselves, and Matt followed them out into the corridor, even though every part of him wanted to stay. Levi remained where he was, stiff and watchful beside the bed.

From the hallway, Matt couldn’t hear what Julie said to Luke. He only saw Luke standing near the bed, head bowed slightly, listening. Once, Luke reached down and took Julie’s hand.

Matt’s mother stood beside him, dabbing her eyes with a tissue.

‘She likes him,’ she whispered.

Matt looked through the glass panel in the door.

‘There was a time when she didn’t. But eventually, everyone likes Luke.’

His father gave a quiet snort. ‘Can’t imagine why.’

Matt almost smiled. Almost.

A few minutes later, Luke came out. His face was composed, but Matt knew him well enough to see the emotion sitting behind his eyes.

‘She wants you and Levi,’ Luke said quietly. ‘Alone.’

Matt’s stomach tightened. ‘Right.’

Luke touched his arm. ‘You’ll be okay.’

Matt wasn’t sure that was true, but he nodded anyway. When he stepped back into the room, Levi was standing now, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jeans.

Levi looked at him suspiciously, as though expecting a trick.

Julie’s voice came thinly from the bed. ‘It’s okay, love. Please stay.’

That was enough. Levi returned to her side, while Matt sat in the chair opposite him. For a few seconds, nobody spoke.

Julie looked between them, and Matt saw then the terrible effort required for what she was trying to do. She was dying, and still trying to build a bridge between the two people she was leaving behind.

‘I know I should have told you,’ she said, looking at Matt.

Matt swallowed hard. ‘Julie . . .’

‘No.’ Her voice was weak, but firm enough to stop him. ‘I should have. I was scared, and I was proud, and then time went on, and it got harder. Then it got impossible.’

Levi’s face had gone blank. Matt looked at him, then back to Julie.

A tear slipped from the corner of Julie’s eye and angled down her face, before disappearing into her hair, laying against the pillow.

‘I thought I could do it all . . . be a mum and a dad. My father was there, of course, at least while he was alive . . . but nobody lives forever . . .’

‘You’ve only done what you thought was best. And you did have every right to be angry, as I recall,’ Matt admitted.

‘Maybe. Those were different times though.’

Matt gave the faintest nod.

‘Levi . . . you need to know that Matt . . . your father . . . he knew nothing about you. I don’t want you thinking that he wasn’t around because you weren’t wanted . . . can you understand that?’

Levi flinched at that, though he tried to hide it.

Matt leaned forward slightly.

‘Levi,’ he said carefully, ‘I truly didn’t know about you.’

Levi stared down at his mother’s hand.

‘I know,’ he whispered, the words barely audible.

Julie turned her head toward her son. ‘He didn’t leave us.’

Levi’s jaw tightened. ‘But he wasn’t there. Maybe you should have told him?’

‘I know, baby,’ Julie whispered. ‘It wasn’t Matt . . . it was me . . . I was the one who left town. That was why he never knew . . . and by the time we came back here to live with Pop, Matt and Luke were long gone.’

Matt felt the words land somewhere deep and painful.

Julie drew a shallow breath and looked at him again.

‘He’s a good boy, Matt.’

‘I can see that,’ Matt said, although in truth he didn’t know the boy well enough to say that. At least, not yet.

He knew Levi was hurting. He knew he was frightened. He knew that Levi had his own deep-brown eyes, and Julie’s stubborn mouth. But he did not know him. Though he definitely wanted to. That had to count for something, didn’t it?

Julie’s gaze sharpened with what little strength remained.

‘Promise me you’ll look after him.’

Matt didn’t hesitate.

‘I promise.’

Her fingers twitched against the blanket, as Levi stared at Matt, before eventually taking his mother’s hand.

Julie looked at him.

‘And you,’ she whispered.

Levi shook his head. ‘Don’t.’

‘Please listen to me.’

‘Mum, don’t . . .’

‘Listen.’ Her voice cracked, and the effort of that single word seemed to drain her. She closed her eyes for a moment, then opened them again. ‘You don’t have to know what to feel yet. You don’t have to call him anything you’re not ready to call him. But don’t shut him out just because you’re angry with me.’

Levi’s face crumpled, but only for a second. Then the wall went back up.

‘I’m not angry.’

Julie gave him a sad, knowing look.

‘Yes, you are.’

Levi said nothing.

‘So am I,’ she whispered. ‘A little.’

Matt looked away.

Julie squeezed Levi’s hand as best she could.

‘He can love you,’ she said. ‘Please let him try.’

That broke something in the room. Not loudly. Not dramatically. But something shifted.

Levi bowed his head, pressing his mother’s hand to his forehead. Matt sat frozen, afraid to move, afraid to breathe too loudly, afraid that any sound from him might shatter the fragile moment Julie had spent her last strength creating.

After a while, Julie closed her eyes.

‘I’m tired now.’

Matt stood slowly, but Levi didn’t move.

At the door, Matt looked back. Julie was watching him again, barely awake. So was Levi.

‘Thank you,’ she mouthed.

He nodded once, because he did not trust himself to speak.

*   *   *

The next few days passed strangely. Time became less like watching the clock, and more like a series of rooms. Hospital room. Kitchen. Car. Hospital room again. Waiting room. Corridor. Julie’s room. Home to the flat. Rinse and repeat.

Over and over. Again and again and again.

Matt visited the hospital every day. Sometimes Luke went with him. Sometimes his parents did. Sometimes Matt went alone and sat on the spare chair while Levi guarded his mother’s bedside like a sentry.

They didn’t talk much at first. Matt learned things in fragments.

Levi drank tea but hated coffee. He picked at food rather than eating properly. He did well enough at school but did not seem to care about it. He had been helping Julie more than anyone had realised. Shopping. Washing. Medication. Appointments. Bills.

Far too great a burden for a kid. Far too much.

Once, when Julie was asleep, Matt found Levi in the corridor trying to get a vending machine to accept a crumpled note.

‘Here,’ Matt said, offering coins.

‘I’ve got it.’

‘The machine doesn’t seem to agree.’

Levi scowled, but after another failed attempt, he took the coins.

‘Thanks.’

It was the first word he had said to Matt without being forced.

Matt held onto that word for the rest of the day.

On another afternoon, Matt’s mother brought sandwiches, wrapped in foil and packed in an old Tupperware container. Levi looked at them as though unsure what to do with such ordinary kindness.

‘Ham and cheese,’ she said. ‘And chicken. I wasn’t sure what you liked.’

Levi hesitated. ‘Ham’s fine. Thanks.’

‘Well, good,’ she said, as though this was a great victory. ‘I made extra.’

Matt watched Levi take one. He didn’t thank her, not exactly, but he ate the whole thing. That counted too.

*   *   *

Julie’s decline was swift.

There were moments when she seemed almost herself, when she would open her eyes and manage a few words, even a smile. Then there were long stretches when she drifted too far away for conversation. Her breathing grew more laboured. The nurses came in more often. The doctor spoke gently in the corridor, using careful phrases that meant the end was close.

Matt and Julie had one final proper conversation on the fourth evening.

Levi had gone with Matt’s mother to get some air after Julie herself insisted on it. Luke had stepped out to call work and explain that he would need another day.

That left Matt alone with Julie. For a while, he simply sat beside her.

‘You look tired,’ she whispered.

Matt let out a soft breath. ‘You’re one to talk.’

A faint smile touched her lips. For just a moment he saw the girl she had been. Seventeen. Laughing by the river. Hair blowing across her face. A lifetime ago.

‘I did love you,’ she said.

Matt looked down.

‘I know.’

‘I don’t know if that makes it better or worse.’

He thought about lying, but there didn’t seem much point anymore.

‘Both.’

Julie nodded faintly.

‘I kept photos, you know.’

Matt’s eyes lifted.

‘Of me?’

‘For him.’ She swallowed with difficulty. ‘Not many. Just school ones. A couple from the formal. One from the river.’

Matt closed his eyes briefly.

‘So, he knew about me?’

‘Only a little.’

‘What did you tell him?’

‘That you were kind.’ She paused. ‘That you made me laugh. That we were young. Too young really. And it was my parents who packed me up and sent me away.’

Matt stared at her.

Julie’s breathing hitched.

‘I didn’t tell him everything. I didn’t know how. But I guess he knows about Luke now. Just not . . . the history.’

Matt reached out and took her hand. Whatever anger he had carried into that hospital had thinned over the days, worn down by the sight of her fading, by Levi’s silent terror, by the enormity of what could no longer be undone.

‘We were only kids,’ he said quietly.

Julie blinked back tears. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘I know. And I’m sorry too.’

‘I should have found you sooner.’

‘Yes,’ Matt whispered.

And there it was. The truth. Not cruel. Not forgiving everything. Just true.

Julie accepted it.

‘Look after him.’

‘I will.’

‘He acts tough, but he isn’t.’

‘I know.’

‘He’ll push.’

‘I know that too.’

‘And he believes in things,’ she said, her voice growing thinner. ‘God. Heaven. Me still watching over him. I don’t know how much is faith and how much is fear.’

Matt listened carefully. He had seen Levi reading from the small bible that sat now on the drawers beside Julie’s bed.

‘This cross,’ she continued, as she clasped the chain around her neck and held up the cross. ‘Gold. It was my mother’s. I want him to have it.’

‘I’ll make sure he does.’

Julie’s fingers tightened faintly around his.

‘Don’t make him choose between who he is and where he belongs.’

The words struck him harder than he had expected.

‘I won’t.’

She seemed relieved by that.

That proved to be the last conversation between Matt and Julie. When Levi returned a short time later, Julie was asleep again. She did not properly wake after that.

She passed away just before dawn two days later, with Levi asleep in the chair beside her and Matt standing at the window, watching the first grey light creep over the hospital car park.

It happened quietly. One breath. Then another. Then nothing.

The nurse came in and checked her with practised tenderness. Matt woke Levi himself, crouching beside the chair and saying his name softly.

Levi opened his eyes.

He saw Matt’s face. Then he looked at the bed.

‘No.’

It was not a cry. It was barely even a word.

He stood too quickly, stumbled, caught himself on the arm of the chair, then went to his mother. He took her hand, but whatever he found there confirmed what he already knew.

Matt wanted to reach for him. But he didn’t.

Levi bent over the bed and pressed his face against Julie’s shoulder. His whole body shook, but almost no sound came out.

That was worse somehow.

Matt stood a few feet away, helpless and heartbroken, understanding with painful clarity that being a father did not always mean knowing what to do.

When eventually he stepped in closer and placed a hand on Levi’s shoulder, it was brushed away. When he did it a second time, however, it was not. Then moments later Levi stood and faced his father.

As tears were brimming in his eyes, the boy glanced towards the doorway for just a second – at his escape route – before looking back at Matt, who took in the eyes and the trembling bottom lip and the pain etched in the boy’s face.

Matt opened up his arms, inviting Levi in, and after just a moment’s hesitation, Levi reached out and allowed his father to hold him for the very first time.

To be continued . . .