Obey - 21. Chapter 21 -- Variation

From sub: day 61. mmm yes, lots to think about. as i get older and see so many younger people unhappy, it makes me value what i have

From Alan: Yes, it’s why I do this online – virtual reality fits me fine. You seem to have a mainly supportive partner, a nice home, a good job, and you live in a pleasant community. Why risk all that?

From sub: well the uncle of a girl at work just died of a heart attack and he was only 45. so along with eating well and exercising more i might live longer if I had better sex

From Alan: Sometimes, you crack me up. Though to me, everything’s based on communication. Without meaning to pry, does your partner even know what you like, and is he able to give that to you? Does he understand that you love him in ways that are beyond sex, but that you need steadier sex, and if he can’t give it to you, you’d like his permission to play safely with other guys? And does he understand that the kind of orders you’re getting online is the safest kind of playing you can do? For that matter, what kind of sex does he want, and are you able to give it to him? Or does he need your permission to play with other guys? To me, it mostly sounds like you both need to talk and listen.

From sub: day 62. yes he knows what i like but no he can’t give it to me. and yes he understands i love him separate from sex but he’d never give me permission to play, online or off. and he doesn’t care that i’m being careful because he doesn’t think I should be doing anything to start with. as for me giving him what he wants–well i told you he’s pretty vanilla and a bottom like me. so he mainly wants to suck and be fucked and definitely doesn’t want to talk about it. i can’t say i’m a lot different there cause i don’t like talking about certain things either and never have. i like to suck and be fucked too

From Alan: You can always tell your partner you’ve had three days of headaches, and you think they’re coming from not having sex. For all we know, that could be true.

From sub: day 63. i’m sure he wouldn’t care. he’d just laugh and tell me to go jerk it somewhere–as long as i was doing it alone. i know that’s what he does and he probably he thinks that’s good and mature. and i’m afraid i’ve slipped a little on my diet but my weight’s still dropping–214 this morning. and you didn’t put into my head that it would be a good idea to have sex with my boyfriend. i’ve had that idea myself

From Alan: Then follow it out. Be consistent. Maybe it’s the proof he needs that you’re not lying.

From sub: but the thing is that i am. day 64. i’m taking orders from you, he’s got me in a lie and it’s my own fault. i wish work was so busy i couldn’t even think about this because i’m extremely horned up even with the cold shower this morning. and because it’s a holiday weekend i’ll be spending most of my time with my boyfriend and family and friends

From Alan: With all that’s going on, if you can still wake up hard, things can’t be that bad. Though maybe you need to use your obvious discipline to keep all your sex within your relationship – since that seems most important to you. What would happen if you cut off all contact with other guys? That means cleaning house of any files or toys. If you really need chastity in your life, maybe you could make it the focus of your arrangement with your partner. Even if he’s not actively involved – and never wants to be – you can put his preferences in charge. That might not be easy, but it may be a workable solution.

From sub: day 65. don’t you think i’ve tried doing that over the past 15 years? my boyfriend’s not into it, he won’t hold the key and doesn’t get or understand it. if i go back to jerking every night then the sexual feelings will subside and i can go back to throwing myself into work. but it’s not what I want

From Alan: No, Grady, you’re missing my point. It’s giving up what you want because that will give you what you want – constant deprivation and enforced supervision. It’s that perverse punishment thing. The more your partner won’t talk about sex and especially the kind you want to have, the hornier you’ll get. You’re already locked in tight. You just need to appreciate that. As you said, any fuck in the wilderness.

From sub: that’s so funny, you have no idea what he’s like and how much this would not work. but at least you’re thinking about me and what i actually need and that’s more than i’m sure he does. and i could even live with no sex if you ordered me never to have it again, because I know you understand that being ordered around is almost my biggest need. i’ll think some more about all this after next friday and try and understand what you’re saying and maybe even try out some of it. but first I want to get through my chastity

From Alan: I knew you’d say that, but what if I told you that next Friday’s never going to exist? What if I led you right up to late Friday afternoon then ordered you to get some of those drugs you sometimes talk about? Something that would absolute drop your drive, chemically castrate you, for the rest of your life? Would you just blow me off like another teenaged dom? Would you say I suddenly don’t understand you and block my address? Well, what if your partner really does understand you and knows how much you want to be controlled and kept from having sex? What if that’s exactly what he’s doing?

From sub: i wish it were true

From Alan: Then make it true. Believe in it. You’ve said you have a rotten imagination, but I don’t think so. You’ve proved you can do anything you discipline yourself to.

From sub: day 66. didn’t sleep well. wouldn’t say a wet dream but some precum. it’s difficult to think of the boyfriend issue at the moment and how to proceed when my chastity seems to have taken over my thinking almost completely. i’m sure that considering the conversation my boyfriend and i had about not having sex that it will be on the horizon soon. as far as him coming to any realization about anything involving what i like sexually, i don’t expect that to occur. he’s extremely obtuse when it comes to these matters

From Alan: Sex on the horizon is appealing, but without meaning to piss you off in any way, I don’t think your partner’s the only one in your relationship who’s obtuse. You’re fighting him with every inch if your mind.

From sub: day 67. yes i know that and maybe your ideas are somehow getting through and making me bolder. or maybe it’s the not cumming. last night when my boyfriend was watching tv i stretched out on the couch beside him, put my head in his lap and just lay there. he didn’t do anything and i didn’t expect it. but it felt so good just lying there obediently and touching someone else’s body

From Alan: How did the evening end?

From sub: in very very horny anxiety. i’m probably just about as high now as i’ve ever been without drugs. i almost couldn’t lie down last night cause i was so afraid that anything i touched would make me cum. so i took a cold shower, a really cold one and i didn’t care how late it was or what my boyfriend might think. i kept myself under the water and waited till my dick and balls shrank and shrank. i know it’s some kind of dumb psychology but having a little boy’s dick and no balls is maybe why i like being completely shaved. it feels so stupid. it’s so humiliating. but i want to be a little kid, a child, a boi. plus i want to be able to be fucked any time i’d like and suck some big man’s dick and cum and cum and cum. i know friday night’s coming and i want this over and i don’t. you know i don’t want to feel empty and sad again. last evening ended with my boyfriend saying “well time to go to bed” and me following him to his room. he said we really needed to sleep and i asked if i could just lie down with him for a while and i promised i wouldn’t fall asleep against him and still be there in the morning. he said “sure” but he didn’t want me sucking his cock. i asked why and he said cause he was positive i’d be thinking about some guy in some video. i told him i never did that, that i always imagined him and he said he’d stopped believing that years ago. i asked if it was because he didn’t think i was hot anymore and he admitted that was part of it, even with the weight i’ve lost. that really hurt but i tried not to let it show because i knew it wouldn’t help. but it must have been in my eyes, they must’ve watered up or something and he thought i was crying. and maybe i was but not really. anyway he held me for a while while we both stood there and i thought he might actually start sex or let me start it. but finally he said we really needed to get some sleep and we could talk more about this in the morning. and i had to go to my room by myself and i was so hard and spent such a long time just lying there trying so hard not to touch myself. so last night wasn’t so good for sleep obviously but that was day 68.

From Alan: Right now, Grady, I couldn’t possibly give you any advice. You’re too close to everything in too many ways. You’ll have to wait this out. And I understand why you don’t want your chastity to end, but it has to. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. If you have to live your life without sex, then you may have to do that. But right now, just focus on the next two days.

(continued)