At around what age did you come out?

[shadows]

I ask this because I'm in one of my bleaker moods and I suppose I'm fishing for hope that if you don't come out by say, age 18 or so, you're not destined to be a total reject for life. I essentially have no social experience dating other guys, or even talking to other guys and it's starting to get to me.

 

Yeah, that and realising my best friend and his girlfriend make out during Willie Wonka was also somewhat depressing. I want to be able to do that someday... Damn small towns, catholic schools and closets.

 

Yeah, so back to the question, at what age did you come out and why? Did you wish you'd done it earlier or later?

 

//shadows

 

P.S. I don't expect any responses this weekend as I know you'll all be reading HP VI

[Myr]

shadows,

I was 24 before I came out to my parents. (I'm 28 now). I also came out to one of my friends about that time. I'm only out to 4 people, I'm in any contact with. None of them believed and thought I was joking.

 

I waited because 1) I had no reason to say anything really. 2) I didn't exactly know how my parents would react. I was able to completely support myself at the point I told my parents, just in case things went south.

 

As it happened, my parents were more than a little surprised and a week later... it was 9/11/2001. That cut off anything that would have been drawn out.

 

My father now takes great pleasure in teasing me about it. He asked last night if I was going to get to houseboys when I moved into my own home.

[Iuvart]

I came out over the course of a few months around last New Year. I was 21 at that time and had known I was gay for maybe two years. So it took me that long to be able to inform my closest friends and later my family.

I don't think there is some kind of threshold age at which you should have come out and started dating. Still in the closet I often mulled over what I was missing, how everyone around me had a girlfriend and so on. I often felt like I would never have that and I guess that is what you are thinking about.

For my study I moved to another (bigger) city and the distance to my hometown really helped with coming to terms with my wants and needs.

 

I don't know what your plans for the future are, but I'd say don't feel pressured to come out. It's an important phase/point in your life and you should initiate it, when you feel comfortable about it. If it takes another year or two and maybe a change of scenery, then so be it. You'd still be faster than me.

 

 

P.S.: I haven't read any H.P. book yet, so I'll not be occupied by that over the weekend. I'll be here all the time, learning for my two tests next week.

[vision]

I came out when I was 15, almost 16 and was completely out by 16. It's such a liberating thing, however you have to be ready. I had an incredably easy coming out. I'd suggest waiting if your parents are conservative or religous, just don't wait till your 25+ though, you'll miss out on far to much, under 20 is usually best since they won't be so fixated about you giving them grandchildren or getting married.

 

Most coming out's are positive, however the negative ones are hard, having worked with queer youth I've seen both.

 

Always pick the right time and place, be confident and affirmative, that's the best advice anyone can give.

 

Hope that helps

[Patrickgay17]

My mother was like that, fixated on me giving her grandkids that is. She allready has one from me she just doesn't know about it yet. Here's why.

 

My cousin outed me I was talking to two of my cousins about it and a third overheard the conversation, she then told her mother (my aunt) who passed it onto her mother (my grandma) who tricked me into comming over then outed me to my mom. I was sixteen at the time and had a very hard coming out people just couldn't except me. I grew up in a very mormon family with nine brothers and no sisters so everyone always expected the worst. I'm 18 now and it's still hard at times but now and days unless dealing with work I tell everyone I meet so they aren't thrown off later. This is Utah so you can imagine how that goes. I was well experienced by 16 so I always had that but it was just different.

 

Personally I'm glad I came out then even looking at how hard it was and I'm now going to be late to work. CRAP!

 

Bye.

[NaperVic]

Shadows,

 

I ordered my HP book from Amazon and the mailman will be delivering it later this afternoon. So I have time to answer your question

 

I suppose I'm a late bloomer, I didn't come out to myself or anyone else until I was 27. Now looking back on it, I know I was gay at like 12-13, but I didn't admit it to myself until I was 27.

 

Once I came out to myself, I lost 60 lbs (I was fat at 215lbs, then got down to 155lbs) and over the course of the next year I came out to some of my friends, then my sister and cousins, then eventually everyone else (including the folks).

 

Most of them while surprised, did say they always suspected.

 

As others have mentioned you should come out at your own time when you feel comfortable doing so. At least you are out to yourself at this point (and you are out to all of us online ). I don't know your situation, your family, your town, etc. But I think you should hope for the best if you plan on telling anyone, but prepare for the worst.

 

My opinion is that you should be prepared for rejection and should only come out to your family when you are financially secure/independent. You don't want your folks kicking you out of the house or not paying for college or sending you to a camp if they don't take your gayness well.

 

In coming out to a friend or friends, same advise. Hope for the best and be prepared for the worst. Will your friend reject you? Will they blab?

 

Hopefully you will find other gay guys your age in your area that you can talk and relate too.

 

My coming out experience actually went well. Most of my friends and family were and are supportive. My BF comes to all the family functions and when my folks took the entire family on a cruise, there was no question that the BF would not be joining us.

 

Looking back on things, I wish I would have come out at least to myself and others much sooner, probably during college would have been ideal for me. There is so much I missed out on in college being closeted, including this 'guy'. I know now that he was interested back then (we laugh about it now), but at the time he didn't know I was gay, I said so many homophobic things, and he was scared I would reject him.

 

And for the kids and moms in the forums, cover your ears (check, make that your eyes), I wish I came out earlier because I missed being gay during my sexual prime. I never had my 'whore' phase and I could have been having regular sex with 'the guy'.

 

Take Care and good luck with whatever you decide,

 

Vic

[BoyNeedsTherapy]

I came out to myself when I was about 15 or so, then I told one friend of mine when I was 17, just by chance I met my bf around then but I don't suppose he counts as someone I've come out to, lol. But due to meeting him I came out to my aunt, and then eventually my mother, but I didn't come out to anymore of my family until I was 18 and about 3000miles away from them for a year.

 

My mother didn't take it too well, but she's high strung anyway. She's all worried about not having any grandkids (I'm an only child) but I still want to be a parent, so I've tried reassuring her of that. My dad took it really well, which suprised me, I think the fact that he thinks my bf's a good guy helps. I didn't come out to anyone at school until we'd practically left (at prom).

 

I do know that if I hadn't met my bf I wouldn't have come out when I did, probably not until I got to college, I know that several of my friends here at uni have moved away from home to go to college and feel a lot...more free here, but they're not out at home for whatever reason. I agree with what everyone else has said, don't come out because you feel like you have to because you're a certain age, come out when it feels right to you, and remember, it's a gradual process, when you come out to friends etc may well be different to when you come out to your parents.

[Former Member]

I'm 23 and still not out (well, I'm out to people I meet online, but I haven't meet any of them in real life yet, lol).

 

I thought about coming out to my family/friends a lot. I can't really give a reason why I didn't do it yet. I don't think they would take it too bad. But my parents like to worry about me a lot and I just don't want to give them any more reasons to worry.

 

Tob

[JamesSavik]

I didn't so much come out as I was thrown out.

 

When I was 12 I had a friend that my scoutmaster decided that had grown too close. Then one hot day in July, I'll never forget it becase it was my birthday, I had just turned 13, he threw 5 boys out of the troop for being homosexuals.

 

On the thinest possible evidence, without any possible appeal.

 

To my devout Baptist parents, I think they would have prefurred a serial killer in the family.

 

So, I was 13, and "out" in Mississippi. Parents and kids were warned about the five of us so it was all over town. When school started in late August, I got the joy of starting 7th grade as one of the only known gay people in a not so large town.

 

I'm writing a story about it. Broken

[TheZot]

at what age did you come out and why? Did you wish you'd done it earlier or later?

I came out a couple of months after I put all the pieces together and realized I was gay. Unfortunately for me, I was 32, had been married for eleven years and had two kids. Of all the things I can recommend not doing, that is by far and away the biggest, though I wouldn't trade my kids for anything. You've no idea how much I'd have liked to have done it earlier.

I suppose I'm fishing for hope that if you don't come out by say, age 18 or so, you're not destined to be a total reject for life. I essentially have no social experience dating other guys, or even talking to other guys and it's starting to get to me.

That all comes in time. It's a matter of getting out, meeting people, and learning how to deal with them. If you're lucky it comes easily. If you're not, it's going to suck.

 

But... don't worry about it.

 

When you get right down to it, the only person who has to look at you every day, the one you can't get away from, is you. Be someone worth being, someone you can be proud of, someone you're not ashamed to look at in the mirror in the morning.

 

Eat right, exercise, and get in shape if you're not there now. You'll feel better and, if a situation goes to hell, it's a damn sight easier to run away if there's not all that much of you to move.

 

Learn to fight. Aikido or judo if you don't really want to hurt someone, kung fu or tae kwon do if you do. You'll probably never have to use it, but knowing you can will give you the confidence to deal with things if you have to. You'll also find that the confidence that comes with knowing you can kick someone's ass means you'll be in situations where it may happen less often.

 

Learn another language, learn to play an instrument, learn how to cook, and learn how to do them well. Hell, when you do anything do it the best you can, even if that's not very good, and try to do better next time. Find something you like (not something you're good at, mind, something you like) and do it. Throw your heart and soul into it.

 

If you can be out without much crap, do it. Hiding hurts. If you'll get too much crap, then wait, since there's a lot more to you than just being gay. It's an important part, and shouldn't be denied, but there's no reason to dive into hell for it. If you must, wait. You know your parents better than we do, though not as well as you think you do, so if you don't feel you can come out to them, don't. If you can, do it.

 

If you're comfortable with who you are and good at what you do, the relationships will follow, and they'll be with people worth being with.

[reapersharvest]

By age 13 I knew I was gay (though there remains a certain amount of denial in my mind as to what this means for my life). I had been trying to work up the courage to come out to a friend of mine who I knew wouldn;t care for the longest time. Finally, it was after a party and she was drunk of her ass and semi-conscious, so I figured it was the perfect time (why not?). Anyway, after that I felt better about it and it was so liberating that I've been coming out little by little to friends and people I've just met (mostly sober ones). This summer I hope to get a few more in.

[RTJ]

I ask this because I'm in one of my bleaker moods and I suppose I'm fishing for hope that if you don't come out by say, age 18 or so, you're not destined to be a total reject for life.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Shadows,

 

It by no means makes you a total reject. Most guys don't come out until much later than 18, and they lead normal healthy lives, you're in no danger of being a failure.

 

I came out right after I turned 14, and I told anyone and everyone with an ear and the ability to hear. I got support from my family, and close friends, and had trouble with some other kids in school but nothing that kicking their a$$es didn't cure (apparently being beaten up by the only skinny gay kid in school dosen't make one popular). If I had to do it over again I wouldn't change a thing about my coming out. I am who I am and I don't care what judgement others may pass on me.

[Ender]

Yeah, so back to the question, at what age did you come out and why? Did you wish you'd done it earlier or later?

 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

I was 24 when I told my mom I was bisexual. Why? Well, she wanted to know why we weren't all that close, and she sensed I was hiding something from her. She didn't take the news well. Frst, she assumed I was lying, and that I was gay instead of bi. Based on this belief, she demanded to know what was so wrong with me that I "could like a man instead of a woman". I responded "Who ever said 'instead of'?", and things deteriorated from there. We get along quite well now, though not because of how you all are probably hoping this story ends. She kept referring to my bisexuality as "that problem". After lots of lectures from my parents, and even a time where they gave me this stupid video from the AFA purporting to show "the evils of the homosexual lifestyle", (It's called "It's not gay", if you ever want to be nauseated) she asked me if I "still had that problem" I told her I didn't have any problem. Of course, I meant that I fully accept who I am, and don't see anything wrong with how God made me. She took it to mean that I somehow changed my mind about this whole "gay thing". Since I know there's no use even discussing any of this further with her, I let it go at that. I know, it's not the most courageous way of handling things, but it's worked for more than 2 years. I take comfort, ironically, in the same thing that she bases her dislike of an aspect of who I truly am. I'm speaking of our Christian Faith. She believes that God condemns the expressed love of 2 people of the same gender. I believe that God makes no mistakes, he made me like I am, and those lovely passages are speaking about male prostitution associated with pagan worship of fertility deities. Interestingly enough, on anything not involving homosexuality, she comes to me and asks me what my judgement is about any passage she has a hard time understanding. I know more about the Bible than the average graduate of Bob Jones University (you know who they are, right?), but it's always interesting when you see blind emotion come up to interfere with logical interpretation of scripture, or any other theological topic. But I digress. As far as wishes go, I wish I had never opened my mouth to any of my family, but I wish desperately that I could have had some friend I could have talked to. It would have helped 15 years ago, whe I first started to subconsciously suspect, or years later when I knew I was in love with my best friend. It still would be a good thing now, when I feel surrounded by stereotypical fundamentalists. It hurts to realize that your "friends" don't know you, and wouldn't have much to do with you if they did. Sometimes, it makes me feel like the lonliest guy in the world. Ironically, that's when faith helps.

[Mark Arbour]

Sometimes, it makes me feel like the lonliest guy in the world. Ironically, that's when faith helps.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

How tragic that the faith that rejects you also provides you comfort.

 

Religion is the Soma of our world.

[Masked Monkey]

Sometimes, it makes me feel like the lonliest guy in the world. Ironically, that's when faith helps.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

How tragic that the faith that rejects you also provides you comfort.

 

Religion is the Soma of our world.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I think his point wasn't that HIS faith rejected him, but that the interpretation expressed by lis local pastor(s) rejected him, making silence and misconception the norm. Still sad though.

 

:king: Snow Dog

[sumbloke]

Came out to me? Couldn't really say. Always knew and always knew gay adults so it wasn't much of an issue. Made the announcement at 14 just coz I started dating around then and going to a gay youth group. I think it was an ok age to come out and I got to be a gay teenager which is nice. School has been ok too - never had any problems and we got a big Rainbow Alliance and a pretty strong anti-bigotry culture. My parents have never expressed any concerns about me or my little brother being gay and they did encourage me to get out and socialise with other gay teens and they have been ever so helpful and generous about my boy, inviting him to stay lots and so on. Anyway - 14 and I think it's about the right age if you have an understanding family, good friends and live in a big big city with lots of visibly gay people around.

Edited July 17, 2005 by sumbloke

[rainbow]

Hi Showders

 

I was 59 when i came out because I meet a guy and we fell in love and I had to tell my kids that I was gay. It was a awful time for me. I was so afraid that I might loose my kids, as it happen after the intail shock, they except me has i am after I was there father and they love me.

 

Rainbow

 

btw Im a grandfather as well