Jump to content

Improve & Encourage #10: Between a Rock and a Hard Place


Renee Stevens

649 views

I hope you all enjoyed the last Improve & Encourage feature, because it's time for another one. These features are meant to both provide feedback to authors and, similar to story reviews, point out stories that readers might not otherwise have found. It's similar to a review, in that the person doing the critique tells you what they liked about the story, but it differs in that they also provide constructive criticism. Each author signed up to participate, and sign up's are still open!  These will post once a month until the last author signed up is critiqued. If you'd like to provide a critique for the blog, sign up in the thread. I'm hoping to have a lot more authors sign up, and just remember, by signing up, you are also volunteering to have your story critiqued and featured.

 

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Dodger

 

Critique By: Sam Wyer

 

Please give us a short summary of the story you chose.

Charlie and Roger are two teenage guys who have been friends since fourth grade.   Their friendship turns a corner and teeters unpredictably for the few awkward moments it takes for both of them to realise what is really happening.

What do you see as the strengths of the story/poem?

The most obvious strengths are the key players in it, as both Charlie and Roger are well characterised.  Given it’s a relatively short story, the introductions don’t feel rushed, and you get a very good sense of who the two of them are, and how close their friendship is.  Whilst written completely from Rogers point of view, Charlie is still very easy to relate to.  Yes, so maybe it is a ‘classic’ storyline, but it’s done really nicely here, and it develops well in a short format.  It’s definitely towards the realistic end of story telling, and the dialogue works well throughout.

What do you see as the weakness of the story/poem?

As for weak points, it’s honestly hard to point to much here.  There’s very little wider context to Charlie and Roger, so you don’t get much of a sense of how they relate to other people, other friends, or their families.  There are nods towards this, but that’s all.

How do you think the story/poem could be improved?

So could it be improved?  The lazy answer is definitely yes, by writing more!  These two guys are very likeable, engaging, and well written, and I know I’m not the only one who thought that it would be good to hear more about them.  Other than that, a bit more context for the wider worlds of Charlie and Roger would be nice, as I mentioned above.  I’d also like to know how they manage the next, but unseen moments / days / months / years.  I don’t mean the sex, I think we all pretty much know how that works, but emotionally they are very different people, and for me, there’s a lot of questions about how the interplay that has worked so well as friends transforms with their relationship.

What was your favorite part?

My favourite moment in the story takes up the whole of the second half of the final chapter, and is brilliantly managed.  To give you a flavour of it:

 

Spoiler

 

“I’m so sorry dude,” he said quietly after she had left. “I was just having some fun. I didn’t know that you’d be so upset. It was only a joke…you hear me…I was joking.” He crouched on the floor next to the chair and rested his hand on top of my forearm. “I’ve only ever slept with one girl and that was Jessica.”

 

I wiped my eyes with my free hand and shook my head. I was used to his apologies, but this time I didn’t want to know and I tried to block his voice out. Then I pushed his hand away and began pulling my clothes out of my rucksack.

 

“I don’t care.”

 

“I’ve never slept with any of the other girls that you named,” he said. “And I never want to. I’m not attracted to girls. I swear.” I dropped my bag and looked over at him. He was in a bit of state himself. I had never seen him so visibly shaken and emotional. He looked almost normal for a change.

 

I stared into his eyes. “I don’t believe you,” I said as he reached out and took my hand.

 

 

  • Like 10

6 Comments


Recommended Comments

Great critique Sam. I loved this short. While you wish for more with this duo, it’s the friendship that stood out. Dodger did a great job with character development.

  • Like 5
Link to comment
7 hours ago, BlindAmbition said:

Great critique Sam. I loved this short. While you wish for more with this duo, it’s the friendship that stood out. Dodger did a great job with character development.

He sure did :)  

  • Like 4
Link to comment

Y'all are being so terribly polite when doing the criticism part. ;)  I hope @aditus will be brutally honest about my story if he ever returns to do and I&E. :unsure: 

 

But I do like the descriptions of the strengths of the story. Makes me want to read it. :yes: 

Edited by Timothy M.
  • Like 2
  • Haha 1
Link to comment

OK, I did read it and am contemplating how to revenge myself on @Sam Wyer  for not warning me about

 

Spoiler

the totally hyper and annoying Charlie. :pinch:  

 

It was well-written, though, and did give good insight in both characters, so I guess that part of the I&E was spot on.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
1 hour ago, Timothy M. said:

OK, I did read it and am contemplating how to revenge myself on @Sam Wyer  for not warning me about

 

  Reveal hidden contents

the totally hyper and annoying Charlie. :pinch:  

 

It was well-written, though, and did give good insight in both characters, so I guess that part of the I&E was spot on.

I’m really not known for being ‘terribly polite’ - in this case it was just easy, becasue I liked the story a lot :) 

Edited by Sam Wyer
  • Like 3
Link to comment
4 hours ago, Sam Wyer said:

I’m really not known for being ‘terribly polite’ - in this case it was just easy, becasue I liked the story a lot :) 

Thanks Sam for your cool critique. I'm glad that you weren't 'brutally honest' as Tim put it but I also know how much 'Charlie' would get under his skin. :lmao: I needed to do something with him and in the end I thought that he deserved a story of his own. The character is based very closely on someone who I know and if anything, I've actually toned him down a bit. The real one is even more annoying!!! :lol:

  • Like 1
  • Haha 2
  • Wow 1
Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Our Privacy Policy can be found here: Privacy Policy. We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue..