Would you date someone in the closet?

[Drewbie]

Like Vic said, only if they were going to come out soon or ready to test the waters, I refuse just to stay home cause there scared for the rest of the time we would be dating.

[NaperVic]

In much the same way, I'm closeted when I pull into a gas station to buy gas. I don't make a habit of saying "twenty bucks on pump #3, and I'm GAY!"

 

 

...............Reminds me that when I was in foreign countries a few years back I always removed my "star" ........no need to advertise about being Jewish!!

 

That reminds me...When I was driving across the US from Chicago to California, I stopped at some pretty rural places. Not being white, you get some strange looks & not so friendly treatment sometimes. Well, the 2nd day of my trip, I stopped at a motel for the night. I didn't have a reservation, but the woman at the counter was trying to find ANY way to get me a discount for the room. She asked if I had triple A and a few other things. I unfortunately said No to all of them, but then she ended up just giving me a discount on the room just for grins.

 

I thought 'wow, finally someone really nice on this trip.' When I got to the room and went into the bathroom, I saw myself in the mirror. I was wearing a necklass with a cross on it (thought I had it under my shirt), but it must have come out and was very visible.

 

So I think the reason she treated me so nicely was because she thought I was a good christian boy . So when in Rome....

[Demetz]

Okay, I voted in this a while ago, but I've neglected to actually post until now.

 

Not only would I date someone in the closet, but in fact I already am dating someone in the closet. Now, to be clear, I'm talking about someone who is "out" to himself to the extent that he's okay having sexual relations with a guy and acknowledges the possibility of spending his life with another guy. That's what's important to me. He is not "out" to his parents, though its possible they suspect something since I've had dinner with them twice and they know we hang out together in his room till very late at night ...

 

Anyway, the part that matters is that they're "out" to themselves. If they haven't reached this part, then they're not ready for a relationship with another guy, and I'm not a fan of setting myself up to get my heart broken. If they're in the closet to their parents/family... I can work with them on that, or respect their decision to keep that part of their lives from their family. Of course... that could just be because I'm naturally a very accomodating person ......

[Hylas]

BTW, in addition to my YAY at the 75% Yes (or Not Quite Yes, but definitely NOT no) votes, heh, I would like to add that if I ever got into a relationship with a guy who's out already out and I figured it to be serious, I'd do my best to come out as soon as possible.

 

I've been stifled enough in the closet anyway, and having a bf is a good enough excuse and support to get out and actually start LIVING. LOL.

 

But... there are also 'out' guys/girls who haven't told that special someone because of worry at their reaction. In this case it is my parents. Even if I came out to everybody, I still don't know if I can do it with my parents, they're old and the giving anybody their age something shocking to absorb is never a good idea. So, yeah. Some things are better kept secret.

 

So all you 'out' people out there, just remember how it was when you were still in hiding. We're not gonna use you as a crutch, we just need a bit of support and patience. If he's just too chicken to come out tho.. dump him. LOL. But don't force him like 'I'll leave you if you don't tell your mom that I'm your bf", or bullshit like "You have to be out and proud of yourself!". Yeah. And get gaybashed in a dark alley...

 

Vic

because she thought I was a good Christian boy

 

You mean... you're NOT a good Christian boy?! :fire:

 

also.. maybe she thought you were cute! have you considered that? or maybe the room had hidden cameras? or maybe it had a bad leak when it rains? or maybe.... or maybe SHE was just a good Christian girl!!! LMAO

[rich_e]

I wouldn't date someone in the closet. To date someone, I would have to know that the person I'm seeing is comfortable enough with themselves. I know that when I was in the closet, I was no where near ready for a serious relationship with anybody.

[scoopny]

It really would depend on the level of closetedness for me. I mean if they weren't out to their parents? That would probably be okay. But if they weren't out to anyone? At all? That would probably be a problem. I've gone on dates with guys who were so in the closet.... they neglected to tell me they still had a girlfriend. That was certainly not okay.

[Hylas]

urk... totally NOT okay.

[scoopny]

To be fair to the closet cases, I've been on dates with guys who neglected to tell me they had boyfriends as well. So closeted or not guys can still be jerks, lol. I'll stop being bitter right now it is the holidays.

[Tiger]

I live in an area where it would be insane to be out completely. I'd be a hypocrite if I said I wouldn't date someone who was in the closet. I'm actually out to my family though. That is a big step. Unless there extenuating circumstances, I could not date someone who didn't plan to at least come out to his parents at some point in the near future.

[Tarin]

Okay, I voted in this a while ago, but I've neglected to actually post until now.

Me too.

 

Anyway, the part that matters is that they're "out" to themselves. If they haven't reached this part, then they're not ready for a relationship with another guy, and I'm not a fan of setting myself up to get my heart broken. If they're in the closet to their parents/family... I can work with them on that, or respect their decision to keep that part of their lives from their family. Of course... that could just be because I'm naturally a very accomodating person ......

I've actually just made this mistake. Today in fact was when he finally said "Dude, I'm straight." I almost died. There's no way this guy is straight, you should have seen the way he acted the first time I asked him out! Giggling, blushing, an "I don't know." So I finally say "Are you going to go on a date with me or not?" Heh, he's 'straight.'

 

Anyway, I say yes. I would date someone in the closet, in fact I'm still working on the guy from above.

[Hylas]

Public displays of affection are nice, but it's the togetherness you feel when alone that matters to me. Holding hands in public is nice, holding hands at home while watching a movie is special.

 

I dunno why... this makes me blush and tingle. LOL.

 

TARIN! You're a ROMANTIC!

[BeaStKid]

TARIN! You're a ROMAINTIC!

 

Yeah! That is sooo like me!!!

[Tarin]

I dunno why... this makes me blush and tingle. LOL.

 

TARIN! You're a ROMAINTIC!

Hehe,

[Firehose]

Sure! Be careful for both yourself and them. When I was coming to grips with my orientation - and it took a long time - I had a friend I'd meet when traveling who was both patient and a great listener. Coming out of the chrysilis is tough for most of us. Be careful. Be kind

[Razor]

No, I would not. I understand not telling certain people about it, but to be closeted to the whole world is not something I could handle. I don't walk around with a sign, but I never go out of my way to hide it because I am comfortable with who I am. I would need the same self-assurance from anyone I dated. I don't like to pretend to be someone I'm not, and I want someone who would hold my hand in public and not be constantly pretending I was just a friend. I sympathize people who stay closeted while living at home - having parents who hate you is not pleasant - but I'm not likely to be dating them, so it doesn't really matter.

 

Menzo

 

Menzo pretty much said it all for me. I might not be insanely confident or perfectly at ease around certain people, but if a boy is afraid to hold my hand or kiss me just because someone's around, then it's not going to work out well. I voted no on this one, even though there might be some crazy situation in which I would date a closeted guy. Even then, I couldn't deal with it long term.

[Tiger]

One thing I will not do is mess around with a guy who is over 35 and still in the closet. That is a giant red flag. NEVER date somone over 35 and still in the closet. That's asking for trouble.

[Benji]

One thing I will not do is mess around with a guy who is over 35 and still in the closet. That is a giant red flag. NEVER date somone over 35 and still in the closet. That's asking for trouble.

 

 

............I'll take your word for it

[FrenchCanadian]

One thing I will not do is mess around with a guy who is over 35 and still in the closet. That is a giant red flag. NEVER date somone over 35 and still in the closet. That's asking for trouble.

 

It sounds like it,,, your comment made me think about it a little more,,, I said that I wouldn't mind dating someone still in the closet,, But I would make an exception and wouldn't for some older guy that have no real reason not to be out.

 

I mean,, with someone of my age,, I can understand,, he might also still live with his parents,, and needs to. Therefore maybe there's a need not to come out to them just yet... But, with older guys,, there would be no reason,, that would indeed be asking for trouble

[Daffioak]

well, i actually thought about it before choosing yes.

 

but yeah, i would, if the guy was comfortable enough to show me affection and accept the affection i want to give back to him. i dunno, but i really am turned off by guys who wouldn't like a kiss or a hug or even nuzzling, or something. and i really want a guy to hold me and comfort me whenever i'm down and sad.

 

i can handle the non affection in public cuz people can be cruel, mean asses.

 

but i can see getting hurt and dumping the guy if he just buckles under pressure and denies all feelings for me.

 

gosh, this has really got me thinking. before, i just wanted a guy to hold me and say "i love you."

[AFriendlyFace]

I've actually just made this mistake. Today in fact was when he finally said "Dude, I'm straight." I almost died. There's no way this guy is straight, you should have seen the way he acted the first time I asked him out! Giggling, blushing, an "I don't know." So I finally say "Are you going to go on a date with me or not?" Heh, he's 'straight.'

 

Anyway, I say yes. I would date someone in the closet, in fact I'm still working on the guy from above. Being 'out' isn't the only aspect of a person. Sure it can make a relationship difficult when one party is still 'in.' I understand that, and if I like the other person enough, I'd be willing to work at the relationship, I'd be willing to work around him being 'closeted.'

I certianly wouldn't pressure him to come 'out,' I was 'outed' before I was ready and I know it sucks. I needed someone there for me (boyfriend or not) that I didn't, and I'd make sure that he knows I'm there for him whenhe is ready. Not when I am ready for him to come out.

 

Public displays of affection are nice, but it's the togetherness you feel when alone that matters to me. Holding hands in public is nice, holding hands at home while watching a movie is special.

What an awesome post, Tarin! You rock!

 

gosh, this has really got me thinking. before, i just wanted a guy to hold me and say "i love you."

That's wonderful! I think it's important to really think about these things and I'm glad you're considering it

 

I'm sure you'll have amazing success with this as well (precisely because you are taking the time to examine what you want and how to get it!)

 

One thing I will not do is mess around with a guy who is over 35 and still in the closet. That is a giant red flag. NEVER date somone over 35 and still in the closet. That's asking for trouble.

Hmmm

 

It sounds like it,,, your comment made me think about it a little more,,, I said that I wouldn't mind dating someone still in the closet,, But I would make an exception and wouldn't for some older guy that have no real reason not to be out.

 

I mean,, with someone of my age,, I can understand,, he might also still live with his parents,, and needs to. Therefore maybe there's a need not to come out to them just yet... But, with older guys,, there would be no reason,, that would indeed be asking for trouble

Hmmm again

 

Well first off, I have to admit that I'm kinda unlikely to date someone more than a few years older than me anyway (ideally I tend to be interested in guys my age. If not I prefer a bit younger to older), so I suppose it's all a moot point really. However, if we're just straight up talking about whether it's more or less acceptable for younger guys to be closet than older guys...

 

Well, I'm very conflicted on this. As someone under 30, I think there's a huge tendency for us to be less patient with the older generation in terms of coming out. We see it as, "well, they've got their own life, they don't need anyone's approval, they aren't dependent on anyone, what's taking them so long?". I think this will pretty much be true as our generation ages and passes 30. What we must remember is that the older generations grew up in a completely different context. It is much more acceptable to be gay today than it was 20 or 30 years ago! I think this difference in society really is something that people will internalize to some extent in their formative years.

 

Don't get me wrong, I agree that objectively the majority of older people don't have as rational a reason as they may think to remain in the closet (of course some may, but just generally), at least not with regards to external factors. However, I think there's a great deal more internal pressure on them than there is on the younger folks.

 

We, for the most part, have grown up thinking they have a problem if they don't accept us (and I would agree with that of course). Many of the older generation may have grown up thinking that they themselves had the "problem" by being gay in the first place.

 

We must further remember that, particularly in the gay male culture, there's a premium on youth. I'm not particularly worried about it because I 1) expect older gays to become more visible as our generation does age, and 2) expect to take many if not most of the friends and resources I have now with me into older age. But I would be much more overwhelmed trying to come out at 30 than 20, and a great deal more overwhelmed than that trying to come out at 40, 50, or older than at 20.

 

The pressures a younger person (say 20 or below) faces on average deal with things like parental acceptance (and reliance on these parents), fear of bullying/ostracism at school, and in general more physical, material threats. These are extremely real and serious, and by no means am I trying to marginalize them or encourage kids to come out before they are ready, able, and safe. I also realize that there can be a great deal of internal confusion and angst as well. I just think the younger generation has opportunities and resources that have never been available before.

 

In sum, I guess what I'm getting at is that older folks may have more internal difficulties coming out, and younger folks may have more external difficulties, but individuals in both groups can easily face the opposite to the same or a greater degree. Happily though, I think individuals in both groups may find the coming out process easy and relatively painless

 

Anyway, let's cut each other some slack

 

 

Take care all

Kevin

[Benji]

What an awesome post, Tarin! You rock!

 

 

That's wonderful! I think it's important to really think about these things and I'm glad you're considering it

 

I'm sure you'll have amazing success with this as well (precisely because you are taking the time to examine what you want and how to get it!)

 

 

Hmmm

 

 

Hmmm again

 

Well first off, I have to admit that I'm kinda unlikely to date someone more than a few years older than me anyway (ideally I tend to be interested in guys my age. If not I prefer a bit younger to older), so I suppose it's all a moot point really. However, if we're just straight up talking about whether it's more or less acceptable for younger guys to be closet than older guys...

 

Well, I'm very conflicted on this. As someone under 30, I think there's a huge tendency for us to be less patient with the older generation in terms of coming out. We see it as, "well, they've got their own life, they don't need anyone's approval, they aren't dependent on anyone, what's taking them so long?". I think this will pretty much be true as our generation ages and passes 30. What we must remember is that the older generations grew up in a completely different context. It is much more acceptable to be gay today than it was 20 or 30 years ago! I think this difference in society really is something that people will internalize to some extent in their formative years.

 

Don't get me wrong, I agree that objectively the majority of older people don't have as rational a reason as they may think to remain in the closet (of course some may, but just generally), at least not with regards to external factors. However, I think there's a great deal more internal pressure on them than there is on the younger folks.

 

We, for the most part, have grown up thinking they have a problem if they don't accept us (and I would agree with that of course). Many of the older generation may have grown up thinking that they themselves had the "problem" by being gay in the first place.

 

We must further remember that, particularly in the gay male culture, there's a premium on youth. I'm not particularly worried about it because I 1) expect older gays to become more visible as our generation does age, and 2) expect to take many if not most of the friends and resources I have now with me into older age. But I would be much more overwhelmed trying to come out at 30 than 20, and a great deal more overwhelmed than that trying to come out at 40, 50, or older than at 20.

 

The pressures a younger person (say 20 or below) faces on average deal with things like parental acceptance (and reliance on these parents), fear of bullying/ostracism at school, and in general more physical, material threats. These are extremely real and serious, and by no means am I trying to marginalize them or encourage kids to come out before they are ready, able, and safe. I also realize that there can be a great deal of internal confusion and angst as well. I just think the younger generation has opportunities and resources that have never been available before.

 

In sum, I guess what I'm getting at is that older folks may have more internal difficulties coming out, and younger folks may have more external difficulties, but individuals in both groups can easily face the opposite to the same or a greater degree. Happily though, I think individuals in both groups may find the coming out process easy and relatively painless

 

Anyway, let's cut each other some slack

 

 

Take care all

Kevin

 

 

.......Excellent post Kev, and right on from where I stand, it is most definitely easier for today

[Tom]

One thing I will not do is mess around with a guy who is over 35 and still in the closet. That is a giant red flag. NEVER date somone over 35 and still in the closet. That's asking for trouble.

 

35?? shame on you...the trouble isn't if I'm in the closet or not; it's the generation gap. when I was in high school, I generally had to hide from the football team...did you?? The scars of my youth still show today

 

 

It sounds like it,,, your comment made me think about it a little more,,, I said that I wouldn't mind dating someone still in the closet,, But I would make an exception and wouldn't for some older guy that have no real reason not to be out.

 

Question...what is a real reason to be out?? What drives people to advertise thier sexuality? I mean, if a girl was to hit on me repeatedly I'd let her know the reason i'm not interested, but way do two people hang on each other in public any way(straight or gay)??

 

I mean,, with someone of my age,, I can understand,, he might also still live with his parents,, and needs to. Therefore maybe there's a need not to come out to them just yet... But, with older guys,, there would be no reason,, that would indeed be asking for trouble

 

O.K. so my devout mormon mother and my boyfriends devout jahova witness parents aren't good enough reasons to stay in the closet? do I really have to confirm their suisspicions or can I just continue to not advertise our relationship??

 

 

well, i actually thought about it before choosing yes.

 

but yeah, i would, if the guy was comfortable enough to show me affection and accept the affection i want to give back to him. i dunno, but i really am turned off by guys who wouldn't like a kiss or a hug or even nuzzling, or something. and i really want a guy to hold me and comfort me whenever i'm down and sad.

 

i can handle the non affection in public cuz people can be cruel, mean asses.

 

but i can see getting hurt and dumping the guy if he just buckles under pressure and denies all feelings for me.

 

gosh, this has really got me thinking. before, i just wanted a guy to hold me and say "i love you."

leave it to a fifteen year old to hit on the most important part!

 

At home, my BF and I use the word "love" often. In public, we say we care about each other

 

 

from Kevin's post

In sum, I guess what I'm getting at is that older folks may have more internal difficulties coming out, and younger folks may have more external difficulties, but individuals in both groups can easily face the opposite to the same or a greater degree. Happily though, I think individuals in both groups may find the coming out process easy and relatively painless

 

Anyway, let's cut each other some slack

 

 

Take care all

Kevin

 

O.k. Maybe I should appologize now for being kinda mean. I just get a little riled up when people say that because I'm older, I'm a problem.

[Benji]

35?? shame on you...the trouble isn't if I'm in the closet or not; it's the generation gap. when I was in high school, I generally had to hide from the football team...did you?? The scars of my youth still show today

 

 

 

 

O.K. so my devout mormon mother and my boyfriends devout jahova witness parents aren't good enough reasons to stay in the closet? do I really have to confirm their suisspicions or can I just continue to not advertise our relationship??

 

 

 

leave it to a fifteen year old to hit on the most important part!

 

At home, my BF and I use the word "love" often. In public, we say we care about each other

 

 

from Kevin's post

In sum, I guess what I'm getting at is that older folks may have more internal difficulties coming out, and younger folks may have more external difficulties, but individuals in both groups can easily face the opposite to the same or a greater degree. Happily though, I think individuals in both groups may find the coming out process easy and relatively painless

 

Anyway, let's cut each other some slack

 

 

Take care all

Kevin

 

O.k. Maybe I should appologize now for being kinda mean. I just get a little riled up when people say that because I'm older, I'm a problem.

 

 

.........So ya think 37 is old!! thanks I now feel ancient!

[Menzoberranzen]

Your devout Mormon parents are not good enough reasons to stay in the closet.

 

I was outed and it cost me the love of my entire family and almost all of my friends at the time. Yes, those demons still haunt me, and yes the scars of my adolescence still show, but in the end it's not about what other people think. I don't care that my parents don't speak to me, because their opinion is less important than mine. I am proud of who I am, and that includes my sexuality.

 

Menzo

[Benji]

Your devout Mormon parents are not good enough reasons to stay in the closet.

 

I was outed and it cost me the love of my entire family and almost all of my friends at the time. Yes, those demons still haunt me, and yes the scars of my adolescence still show, but in the end it's not about what other people think. I don't care that my parents don't speak to me, because their opinion is less important than mine. I am proud of who I am, and that includes my sexuality.

 

Menzo

 

 

...........I'm sorry to hear that, hope things are better for you. It's no wonder the closets are full.