Dating multiple people... yay or nay?

[Demetz]

Okay... so I'm fairly new at dating becuase I didn't do it much in high school, and through most of college I had one boyfriend... I'm just getting started and I find myself in a dilemma I haven't faced before... there are two guys I've met online and they both seem like dating material (read: they want more than a quickie, they're interested in a long term relationship and want to date to find one). Is it okay to date both of them for a while to see who (if either of them) is a good fit? Do I have to tell them up front that I'm dating other people too in order not to be dishonest with them? Or is it not their business if I'm dating other people until we decide to take things to the next level? What if I end up liking both of them and they are both interested in taking the relationship to the next level?

[FrenchCanadian]

My guess is that it depend on the situation. If you're just going out as friend to see if something can happen, to see if you like the guy, then I say that It's neither bad, nor leading any of the guy to go out with other guys.

 

now from the point where you can see it starts to be a little more serious, the point where you get together more often, then meeting up with other guys starts to be a little yellowish. If asked you can't hide it, that's for sure. It's only fair for the other guy.

 

As soon as you're dating, getting boyfriends then dating with other is a red flag.

 

sacha

[BeaStKid]

i've never done dating myself, so i can't tell exactly. But what I can tell is that personally, i would never date more than one guy/gal... Also, if i were on the other end, I would also not like the guy/gal two timing me...

 

 

BeaStKid

[Tiger]

I selected, "Yes, but as soon as things get serious with one, tell the others you think its best to just be friends." Creeping is unacceptable behavior. Also, sleeping with every person you date is wrong. If you want variety, I suggest the bar scene or parks. If you actually want that special someone, be honest and don't play around unless your s/o is okay with having some extra people to play with. Be honest and stay safe!

[Menzoberranzen]

Dating both is fine (that's why it's called dating, and not relationship) but once things start to get serious, then it's my advice to end things with one of them. I think in modern relationships there is an implicit understanding that when you first start dating, you aren't 'exclusive' but you might (or might not) want to make that clear up front. I've never dated multiple people (hell, I have a hard enough time finding one person) but I have dated a guy who was dating someone else. He was honest about it, and I had no problems.

 

As for whether you sleep with one or both, that is your perogative and an entirely separate issue from the dating one (although the same rules apply about telling the other person once you get serious ).

 

Menzo

[YaP]

I think it depends very much how you define "dating"....

 

basically i totally agree with Menzo...

i couldn't imagine dating more than one person at a time myself, but i can hardly imagine dating anyway

[Demetz]

See, I'm split between "No, are you kidding? Date one guy at a time!" and "date several, but if something gets serious with one, break it off with the others or let them know you think it would be better to just be friends." I would never go for sleeping around, nor for leading other people along.

[Former Member]

I'm not really sure you need a relationship at all at the moment. I have a feeling that you are currently in a stage where you want to "experiment". So, have fun with both of them, but make sure they know about the other and make sure they know its nothing serious. You're still young and have enough time left to settle down. And be safe.

 

Tob

[Krista]

You can date multiple people. I've dated multiple people at the same time before, it's ok to go on dates with different people. There is nothing wrong with that if they both have qualities that you find attractive. You've already mentioned not sleeping with them, and I don't think you're looking to experiment either. I believe you're wanting to date and dating them both isn't a bad thing to do as you seem to have problems about how you'd be perceived if you done something like that.

 

Anyway, the only problem is, if they both become seriously close and you're stuck on deciding which one you like more.. when they're both serious. That's a negative that could keep you from choosing to do something like that though.

 

 

Krista

[TalonRider]

Anyway, the only problem is, if they both become seriously close and you're stuck on deciding which one you like more.. when they're both serious. That's a negative that could keep you from choosing to do something like that though.

 

 

Krista

Another problem is, they both may only think you are dating them. If they are serious about dating you and they find out about the other one, they both could solve the problem of which one to choose. They both could drop you and you're back to square one.

[Menzoberranzen]

Another problem is, they both may only think you are dating them. If they are serious about dating you and they find out about the other one, they both could solve the problem of which one to choose. They both could drop you and you're back to square one.

 

Honesty, people, is the key. I admit, if I found out the guy I was dating was also dating someone else and hadn't told me, I'd be miffed. And suspicious. If that same guy had told me, though, that he was still dating other people, I'd be alright with it.

 

Menzo

[Hylas]

I voted no, because I wouldn't have been able to handle trying to like two or more people (If it was serious dating). And serious dating would probably start on the um... fourth dinner date? LOL Right before you start having sex?! LOL

 

Anyway, if it was casual dating I'd be alright with it. Like Menzo, if someone informs me kindly beforehand that he was dating someone else too, then cool. But if I only found out later, I'd get mad. >

 

But then again, I'll never get a date anyway. *sigh*

 

*/me walks away sadly*

[FrenchCanadian]

Honesty, people, is the key. I admit, if I found out the guy I was dating was also dating someone else and hadn't told me, I'd be miffed. And suspicious. If that same guy had told me, though, that he was still dating other people, I'd be alright with it.

 

Menzo

 

I'd say that being on the other end, if I'd know that the other is still dating with other guys, and that we've seen each other a couple of time, and I'd want it to get deeper, well I'd be very jealous and it would cause a problem. I'd say right away to the guy, you gotta choose now, me or him.

 

I voted no, because I wouldn't have been able to handle trying to like two or more people (If it was serious dating). And serious dating would probably start on the um... fourth dinner date? LOL Right before you start having sex?! LOL

 

Anyway, if it was casual dating I'd be alright with it. Like Menzo, if someone informs me kindly beforehand that he was dating someone else too, then cool. But if I only found out later, I'd get mad. >

 

But then again, I'll never get a date anyway. *sigh*

 

*/me walks away sadly*

 

Well it all comes down on what is dating and at what point the dating becomes being boyfriends. Once it's becoming serious dating, well I wouldn't be seeing anyone else on the side just to be sure that there's not a better choice available.

[Tiger]

I voted no, because I wouldn't have been able to handle trying to like two or more people (If it was serious dating). And serious dating would probably start on the um... fourth dinner date? LOL Right before you start having sex?! LOL

 

Anyway, if it was casual dating I'd be alright with it. Like Menzo, if someone informs me kindly beforehand that he was dating someone else too, then cool. But if I only found out later, I'd get mad. >

 

But then again, I'll never get a date anyway. *sigh*

 

*/me walks away sadly*

You need to stop being so negative. I think most of your problem is the fact that you're so deeply in the closet. How do you expect to find someone if you can't even admit it to anyone? I'm not suggesting coming out to your parents. That is rather complicated. Surely you have friends to confide in though.

 

I also agree about casually dating two or more. Once I'm interested in someone, that person becomes the center of attention where I'm concerned.

[scoopny]

I agree, casual dating is fine. I mean you should definitely be honest with people about what's going on. It reminds me of my friend who was dating several people and didn't tell the girls. He was out on a date with another girl and the girl's friend saw them together and told the girl. She didn't say anything, eventually he fessed up and she gave him a piece of her mind. But in the end, she forgave him, because he did eventually tell her and they've been married a few years now.

[BeaStKid]

You need to stop being so negative. I think most of your problem is the fact that you're so deeply in the closet. How do you expect to find someone if you can't even admit it to anyone? I'm not suggesting coming out to your parents. That is rather complicated. Surely you have friends to confide in though.

 

I also agree about casually dating two or more. Once I'm interested in someone, that person becomes the center of attention where I'm concerned.

Tiger, it ain't that easy. People around us are willing to talk about gays, but talking about and having one as a friend is entirely different...

 

Sigh!

 

BeaStKid

[Tiger]

Tiger, it ain't that easy. People around us are willing to talk about gays, but talking about and having one as a friend is entirely different...

 

Sigh!

 

BeaStKid

Of course it's not easy. We still have our struggles in western society. There are plenty of bible thumpers ready to burn us at the stake. But sometimes we have to stand up and fight. In any event, we're

[writeincode]

I voted yes but when it gets serious with one then you have to break it off with the other/s.

 

I've dated more than one person. One guy asked me on a date and a few days later a guy I had known for a while asked me out. I said yes to both, one became boring and so I broke it off (read:ignored- yes, I know immature) and stayed with the other and am still with him.

 

I don't think you should have a physical dating-relationship with more than one person at a time though. Stick to one person for that. Also, I wouldn't want to know about someone I was dating being with someone else and I wouldn't tell either. It would just be uncomfortable so keep it hushed.

Edited January 17, 2008 by writeincode

[Lugh]

it's not that difficult....

 

you can "go out" with as many people as you want -- this is casual dating.

 

you can date randomly, repeatedly, and excessively... so long as EVERYONE involved is on the same page.

 

as soon as one person wants to "get a little more serious" they are obligated to request exclusivity.

 

this request can be acknowledged and accepted (which moves the two people into a relationship) or denied (which might -- or might not -- loose you a friend)

 

Once you have accepted a request for exclusivity you are now obligated to end it with everyone else involved.

 

To recap:

date as many as you want until you find the one that trips your trigger

once the field is narrow, focus your attention on the "one"

trip your trigger until you misfire

rinse and repeat

[AFriendlyFace]

Interesting question, I voted, "Yes, but break it off if one of the relationships gets serious".

 

In general I think:

 

it's not that difficult....

 

you can "go out" with as many people as you want -- this is casual dating.

 

you can date randomly, repeatedly, and excessively... so long as EVERYONE involved is on the same page.

 

as soon as one person wants to "get a little more serious" they are obligated to request exclusivity.

 

this request can be acknowledged and accepted (which moves the two people into a relationship) or denied (which might -- or might not -- loose you a friend)

 

Once you have accepted a request for exclusivity you are now obligated to end it with everyone else involved.

 

To recap:

date as many as you want until you find the one that trips your trigger

once the field is narrow, focus your attention on the "one"

trip your trigger until you misfire

rinse and repeat

I completely agree with Lugh.

 

The key to me is that regardless of what type of relationship rules you've got everyone involved should understand and be comfortable with them. What I would do is irrelevant unless you and I are dating. The only thing that matters is what you want, and what each of the guys want and expect. It is wrong to date them both if you know for a fact that one of them is under the assumption that the two of you are exclusive and you haven't corrected his misinterpretation.

 

Dating both is fine (that's why it's called dating, and not relationship) but once things start to get serious, then it's my advice to end things with one of them. I think in modern relationships there is an implicit understanding that when you first start dating, you aren't 'exclusive' but you might (or might not) want to make that clear up front. I've never dated multiple people (hell, I have a hard enough time finding one person) but I have dated a guy who was dating someone else. He was honest about it, and I had no problems.

 

As for whether you sleep with one or both, that is your perogative and an entirely separate issue from the dating one (although the same rules apply about telling the other person once you get serious ).

 

Menzo

I pretty much agree with Menzo, especially with regards to the sex part, but I disagree that there is an implicit understanding that you aren't exclusive. Indeed I would have actually said the opposite. I think there's an implicit understanding that you ARE. In any case you should probably be upfront unless you have good reason to believe the other guy(s) don't think you're exclusive and don't care at this stage.

 

 

The way I tend to think about such things is that if I go out with someone three or less times we're "casually dating", and I'm fine with him casually dating as many other people as he wants, as long as he's also been out with them three or less times. Basically I think everyone should get three dates before they have to decide. Why three? No reason, just an arbitrary number that feels right to me.

 

The sex part is irrelevant to this, IMO. You may or may not be having sex with these people on these dates, and that's really only between you and them. It only becomes the business of someone else if there is perceived commitment (which as I said, I would conclude after the third date with one of them).

 

Unlike Menzo I would not be okay with someone consistently dating someone else. When I think of that I assume that there's an on-going relationship, albeit casual, between myself and X, and between X and Y. If X has only dated me two or three times then I don't care if he's also dated Y two or three times (or had sex with him on those dates for that matter), but if I've been with X for awhile now, then even if our relationship is pretty casual, I still expect it to be completely exclusive and monogamous.

 

That's why, as I said, it's important that everyone be on the same page with regards to these issues.

 

My simple advice would be to go out with them both two or three times, do whatever you and they are both comfortable with and want to do (which it sounds to me like you don't want to have sex with them, so don't), and use that information to decide which, if either, you want to stay with long-term.

 

I'm not really sure you need a relationship at all at the moment. I have a feeling that you are currently in a stage where you want to "experiment". So, have fun with both of them, but make sure they know about the other and make sure they know its nothing serious. You're still young and have enough time left to settle down. And be safe.

Personally, I also agree with Tob in his particular assessment of your situation. While it's really none of my business, and something you should decide for yourself, I really think you would benefit from some time to yourself without a serious relationship. Whether this period includes casual dating or not, is up to you (although I would urge you to YES, go ahead and do that), but I personally think you ought to give yourself a little more time before you get back in the saddle for a long-term ride.

 

It isn't any of my business though, and whatever you do I hope you're happy with the results and I hope it all works out for you

 

Take care and have an awesome day!

-Kevin

Edited January 19, 2008 by AFriendlyFace