How to tell my sons

[Graeme]

My wife and I have just discussed the topic of telling our sons that I'm gay.

 

It's a tough thing to do and we only have one chance to do it right. My wife is going to ring the counsellor that helped her cope with the news that her husband is gay, but I thought I'd ask for advice here. I don't know if anyone has gone through this themselves, but I'd really like advice.

 

For background information, for those that don't know, my sons are currently eight and ten. I have a strong desire to tell them before the oldest boy hits puberty, because I don't want things complicated by the hormones that'll go through his system at that point.

 

Any advice on how we should tell them that their dad is gay? I'd probably have to explain that what means, too, since they'll only have a vague understanding.

[hombre]

Greame there are alot of factors in how and why you do this. Are you and the missus divorcing? Are the children closer to you or her, and if you are divorcing will they be with her or you most of the time. Also how do they react to gay people now that aren't part of thier family or are there others in your family?

Edited November 3, 2009 by gmendias

[Lugh]

I would suggest you make a trip to the library and locate some books/videos (via card catalogue) with some gay families to introduce the topic into your household. You can make this casual reading/viewing over a few weeks and see if there are any questions, or read/view a few then talk about different types of people in the families, different types of love maybe?

 

Your situation is quite different, I would think, from most other people at this point in your lives and that should be addressed and stressed.

 

Also you might want to see if there is a PFLAG type group in your area that might have some suggestions/literature for you. There may be other kids their age with one (or more) gay parents they can talk / relate to (if that is what you want). So that they know they are not alone in the world (ie the only kid with a gay parent), especially as they get older.

 

If I think of anything else I'll post.

[Mark Arbour]

You'll probably get a lot of responses telling you to be honest and open and wishing you luck, not that they're not motivating, but I'm not sure how useful they are either. And as I write this, I'm not sure I can add anything different.

 

I will say this though. I've watched you tackle topics here, usually in the Soap Box, with a patience and thoughtfulness that can really be insightful. I think if you take that same attitude to the talk with your sons, they'll understand. On a more practical note, if it were me, I'd be very concerned about what that meant for your marriage. Did you love my mother? Did you hurt her? Are you still hurting her? Are you getting a divorce? At that age, the fact that you like dick may not resonate, but those issues that more directly effect them will be paramount.

[MikeL]

I'm probably the last person you would ask, Graeme, but for some strange reason I seem to be the first to respond. (Edit: Well it seems I'm not the first; I just type slowly.)

 

Your sons are certainly not too young to have the "birds and bees" talk. Of course they may have had that already or a lot of sex ed in school. In the old days, we learned about that stuff from our friends who had older brothers. If you need to have the talk, you may as well have the whole thing including your additional revelation.

 

I guess you have to first evaluate where they stand in their knowledge of sex/reproduction/dating and start from there to plan what you will say. You have to decide if this is a father/son talk or does it include mom. Do you talk to each son separately? There are a lot of things to consider. I trust the counselor will have some good advice.

 

I think the most important thing is to emphasize love...the love mom and dad have for the son and for each other. That's an important thing for them to carry over into their future relationships. Giving them honest answers to their questions and emphasizing the importance of love in their relationships, current and future, will make all the difference.

 

So, there's probably not anything above that you haven't already considered, but maybe this will get the ball rolling with more substantial suggestions.

 

Best wishes.

Edited November 3, 2009 by MikeL

[Graeme]

Okay, I obviously missed a lot I came out to my wife about five years ago and after a lot of angst, we're staying together. She's very supportive of me and reads most of my stories before anyone else. She also provides input to them from time to time (especially for the female characters), so, no, we're not getting divorced. Indeed, I'd like to think our marriage is stronger now than it was before, because I'm no longer keeping secrets from her. She's a remarkable woman but she's NOT up to an open relationship, which is why, even though I'm gay, I'm staying monogamous.

 

We'll have more challenges in the future because we don't expect the boys to be able to keep things a secret, but at the moment we just want to work out how to tell them that they're dad is gay. The reason we want to do this soon, even though I'm a non-practising homosexual, is because we don't think it's fair for them to find out in the future, and wonder why we kept it a secret.

 

Thanks everyone for your comments so far. We've introduced our boys to the concept of gay couples from a young age, but they don't know of any and there are none around here that we know of that we could introduce them to.

[Mark Arbour]

Okay, I obviously missed a lot I came out to my wife about five years ago and after a lot of angst, we're staying together. She's very supportive of me and reads most of my stories before anyone else. She also provides input to them from time to time (especially for the female characters), so, no, we're not getting divorced. Indeed, I'd like to think our marriage is stronger now than it was before, because I'm no longer keeping secrets from her. She's a remarkable woman but she's NOT up to an open relationship, which is why, even though I'm gay, I'm staying monogamous.

 

We'll have more challenges in the future because we don't expect the boys to be able to keep things a secret, but at the moment we just want to work out how to tell them that they're dad is gay. The reason we want to do this soon, even though I'm a non-practising homosexual, is because we don't think it's fair for them to find out in the future, and wonder why we kept it a secret.

 

Thanks everyone for your comments so far. We've introduced our boys to the concept of gay couples from a young age, but they don't know of any and there are none around here that we know of that we could introduce them to.

 

 

Graeme,

 

I knew that, as you've been open about your situation with your wife. Incidentally, she sounds like an amazing lady.

 

I guess my point was that your sons are probably going to focus on that first and foremost, and they'll need to hear the things you just said in that post. But then again, WTF do I know? The only perspective I have is that I have a son too, although he's older than that (he's 14). I'm remembering him at 8 years old, and I think his first reaction would have been "what does this mean for me and my family life?" in so many words.

 

 

[Nephylim]

Do you have to sit down and 'tell them'. If you do that you will be stressed and they will pick up the atmosphere and be worried that something is 'wrong'. I was lucky because this is something that has been very open in our household but I have always thought that for something to be completely accepted it sould be presented as being completely normal and acceptable.

 

Maybe it could just be dropped into a normal conversation and allowed to settle into the consciousness before it's addressed head on. Perhaps you could bring the conversation around to who you love and how you love. Perhaps mention that there are different kinds of love.... the love you feel for your friends, your children, your wife, other men...

 

Make it normal and it will be accepted as normal

Good luck

[paya]

I agree with Mark. For most children this age the most important thing is "Will my family stay together?".

 

Moreover, I would not make it in a way "we have to have a serious talk", it could make them anxious about what you're about to tell them. I think it's wise to start or to process it step by step, as Lugh is suggesting - if they already have a notion about sex, know who is gay or what does it mean, you can just tell them that you're the same as uncle Bill who lives with his boyfriend, but you have their Mummy instead (just to give an example). And it would be then to explain them that you love Mummy and that the family is not going to fall apart.

 

Last but not least, don't underestimate your kids. If you can make one thing right, approach them as adults, they'll understand more than you perhaps imagined.

 

 

[hombre]

Okay, I obviously missed a lot I came out to my wife about five years ago and after a lot of angst, we're staying together. She's very supportive of me and reads most of my stories before anyone else. She also provides input to them from time to time (especially for the female characters), so, no, we're not getting divorced. Indeed, I'd like to think our marriage is stronger now than it was before, because I'm no longer keeping secrets from her. She's a remarkable woman but she's NOT up to an open relationship, which is why, even though I'm gay, I'm staying monogamous.

 

We'll have more challenges in the future because we don't expect the boys to be able to keep things a secret, but at the moment we just want to work out how to tell them that they're dad is gay. The reason we want to do this soon, even though I'm a non-practising homosexual, is because we don't think it's fair for them to find out in the future, and wonder why we kept it a secret.

 

Thanks everyone for your comments so far. We've introduced our boys to the concept of gay couples from a young age, but they don't know of any and there are none around here that we know of that we could introduce them to.

 

Sorry but I really do not know what to say now, myself I am very confused by this whole "yes I am gay but I will not be gay and stay with a woman" thing. What I can tell you is my cousin, who did marry a woman and had a child, when he came to terms with it amd they divorced so they both could have lives, they told him the truth straight out, but he was a bit older than your children.

 

[Lugh]

Hey Graeme...

 

Some of these might work better than others but here is a list of books to look at:

 

Is Your Family Like Mine?

 

When Grown-ups Fall in Love

 

Asha's Mums

 

Zack's Story

 

How Would You Feel If Your Dad Was Gay?

 

Families

 

Gloria Goes to Gay Pride

 

Heather Has Two Mommies

 

The Day They Put Tax On Rainbows

 

Duke Who Outlawed Jelly Beans

 

One Dad, Two Dads, Brown Dad, Blue Dads

 

My Two Uncles

 

Uncle What-is-it is Coming

 

 

I got them from the PFLAG website, just so you know, there were lots more but these were the most interesting (to me) of the lot.

[hh5]

It sounds like you already figured out that your kids don't hate gays. Hopefully you'll introduce them to an actual real gay couple at a rally or some get together or picnic. Question is how much they flame - might scare them or not. Introduction is pretty much the key and then meeting and then explaining that you're gay is a good way to go. Also good to accomplish in 3 years or so.

 

Also you'll need to have them meet the children of gay couples like yourself in case they need to know how they should ID with their new found family orientation.

 

Sure its a process to learn that nothing has changed.

 

It like the saying "You can lead the horse to water but you can't make him drink it"

 

Either its tell them the truth and they accept it or its a process of introduction and truth and getting use to the idea that their dad is gay and its ok if the sons be what ever they are when they mature.

 

Hint: It might be the making of a story material here for you - in a gentler fashion for their age group.

 

> Heather has two mummies

Hey that is a reminder on getting a lot of good questions from your boys.

I sure as you warm them up to the discovery that what you share - stays in the immediate family.

[Graeme]

Thank you, everyone You've certainly given us some things to think about. A special thank you to Lugh -- I'll look into those books though neither boy particularly like reading (unfortunately).

[Jack Frost]

Sorry but I really do not know what to say now, myself I am very confused by this whole "yes I am gay but I will not be gay and stay with a woman" thing. What I can tell you is my cousin, who did marry a woman and had a child, when he came to terms with it amd they divorced so they both could have lives, they told him the truth straight out, but he was a bit older than your children.

 

Graeme is an exceptional case. I remember one time from his story on Awesome Dude stating that only nine in ten such marriages will fail when the wife found out the news. I wrote to him an e-mail then. It was ages ago...

 

He just got lucky.

 

Sexuality is not a black-white thing. It's just happened that Graeme ended up falling for a girl out of the odds.

 

Who knows? It could happen to you, or to one of us.

 

Bless him and his family.

 

 

 

Graeme: You know I do not have any experience in this, but you have my best support. Hope that's enough for you to have from me.

Edited November 4, 2009 by Jack Frost

[thatboyChase]

Good luck with all this Graeme.

[Former Member]

If they were raised by you they should have no problem accepting it. Telling them? I have this niggling suspicion that kids seem to know when they aren't being told whole truths. But they can be very understanding. I don't know though I can't really say for sure. Sorry, this wasn't very helpful after all was it.

 

to me.

[Former Member]

I have nothing to say.

 

 

[Graeme]

Thanks, Louisiana Writer, for taking the time for a detailed response. I really do appreciate what you've said.

 

As for the 5000 words on my home life, start with:

 

http://themailcrew.com/graeme

 

and then continue with:

 

http://awesomedude.com/graeme/family_snippets.htm

 

and between those two links you'll learn a lot about who I am and why I'm doing what I'm doing

 

I don't know believe it will be possible for my boys to never learn that I'm gay unless I completely suppress my gay nature, and I already know that that is not possible for me. So I write and interact with other gay guys at places like Gay Authors. Since I discuss things with my wife, the boys will hear me talk about things and sooner or later will wonder. I think I owe it to them to tell them before they start wondering.

[Cia]

I have no words of wisdom to impart..just words of support..I've not spoken to you much but I truly hope that everything works out for your family in the end, no matter what road you end up taking.