in, then out, then in, then out again

[Hoskins]

I'm 47 and have spent the better part of twelve years back in the closet after spending about twelve OUT of the closet before that. Before, I was so out, I radiated rainbow flags. Nowadays, I'm so closeted I think you could hang a shoe tree off my neck.

 

I'm quite sick of it. It's making me grumpy and antisocial. I want to come out again. I would like to rejoin "gay society". Plus I'm having a bit of a midlife crisis, which isn't helping things.

 

There are complications. I could use some input from you random strangers on the Internet about how to fix my life. Please chime in. No reasonable advice rejected.

 

First, I think I'm socio-phobic because I've basically been working my ass off for ten years with very little social life. I'm pretty nervous about meeting people. I'm also sober, so alcohol as a social lube is out. Any suggestions for meeting gay people, in Michigan, where the gays congregate in about ten bars and a community center? I think there might be a bowling league, but I don't bowl. I know there are some gay people NOT in a bar and NOT in an m4m chat room in Michigan but they're all in stealth mode or something. How to meet people when people don't want to be met? Where are all the gay guys my age? Dinner parties? WTF?

 

Second, I run my own company and that takes a lot of my time and has completely taken over my social life. Plus I'm not sure how my clients will react if they find out, although if any of them really have a problem with it they can find another computer guy. Amirite?

 

I want to put myself out there a bit, like I've got my facebook profile showing that I like men. New customers are going to look at that because I've got some business pages out there too. Plus I'm using twitter and a blog and some other stuff. I don't want to hide on those networks, it's stupid. Any suggestions for fielding dumb questions from people about this?

 

SO there you have it. Any advice, support, donations, clothing tips for spring (I don't own a white belt, don't EVEN go there), I'd appreciate hearing from you.

[NaperVic]

Have you thought about an online personal ad on Match, yahoo personals, or gay.com?

 

They're all kinda like nifty, where you have to weed through a lot of the chaff. But those might be some good options for someone in your situation.

 

Good Luck!

 

Vic

[Toast]

I know I enjoy your presence on GA. You have a unique wit and your own style. Maybe we assume you are taken.

[PrivateTim]

What about church? If there isn't a Metropolitan Community Church near you Google Open and Affirming churches for your area. You don't need to be a Christian to go, but it can be a cool place to meet people.

 

I don't know where you are in MI, but if it is Lansing, Detroit or Ann Arbor, I can't imagine anyone cares a bunch, especially professionally.

[Nephylim]

Why not just start going out socially, doing things you'll know YOU enjoy without the pressure of LOOKING for someone. You are not going to attract the right kind of guy if you put yourself into social situations that you find awkward or uncomfortable. Go to the cinema, opera, museum, art gallery... whatever you like. Get some of your friends together and do anything you enjoy. Have a dinner party, go out to KFC... absolutely anything that gets you back into the swing of enjoying yourself and relaxing around other people. Forget about 'hunting'. Forget about whether you are in the closet or out of it. Just relax and enjoy. When you are comfortable in social settings and you have made friends and acquaintances from the places you go... most importantly when you are relaxed in the surrounding you are in you will be far more attractive to anyone who's intersted. I would suggest you get yourself a rainbow pin, something unobtrusive. Your straight friends won't know what it means but any gay guy who is intersted in you will get the subtle message.

 

Most importatly go enjoy life and take your mind of this

[Tarin]

Like PrivateTim said, where are you?

 

In the Lansing area there are several gay hangouts, people of all ages congregate. Many serve alcohol, but there are some that don't.

 

Michigan Pride is a great organization to get involved with, I helped with the Pride rally two years ago and Gay Prom, it was a blast. Again, people of all ages.

 

 

[gabrielsknife]

Now, hon, I don't know you. I don't know your background or your lifestyle or anything about you. Hell, I'm about half your age lol. But, I really hope what I say can help you because it's done wonders for my life. And here it is:

 

Just be yourself. Or, to use the vernacular, "just do you."

 

It don't matter what other people think about you or what they say to you. You're right, if your customers/clients actually take the time to look you up and find out all this personal information about *you* instead of *your company* then that's them. There is a line between a man and his job, which things like religion and sexuality should not mix. They do, but still. You're *not* your job. You're a man. And as we all, a man has needs.

 

I don't know much about the dating scene. I'm rather a...complicated home-body. I'm busy taking care of myself, for the time being. Maybe that's what you should be doing to. You know? Get all your ducks in a row - really work on yourself instead of go "prowling around for a warm body" or "hunting down a commitment man." It's a great possibility that whatever divine force you've agreed to support is giving you this time to work on yourself.

 

Figure out where you stand. Do you *want* to be out of that there closet, or are you comfortable inside it? There's no problem either way. Some guys like to maintain a low profile while others like to loud about it. What are *you* comfortable with? That should be your first question. Not what other people are saying about you. They aren't *you*. You've got to live with yourself, not them.

 

Next, work out that mid-life crisis of yours ^_-. I hear sports cars are an excellent way to go. Quite frankly, *I* was my father's midlife crisis. I don't think you need to go that far but *shrug* whatever floats you.

 

After you get all that worked out, then you go man-hunting . And that's going into territory I have no experience in (though I really wish I did *sniff*.)

 

You sound like you've got a good, steady job. Income means home, home means luxuries and so forth. That is more then some guys your age have right now. You're already off to a grand start! You get you figured out, and you'll be in the home stretch. I truly, honestly wish you the best of luck with whatever choices you make. I hope they lead you down the right path.

[Mark Arbour]

What about church? If there isn't a Metropolitan Community Church near you Google Open and Affirming churches for your area. You don't need to be a Christian to go, but it can be a cool place to meet people.

 

I don't know where you are in MI, but if it is Lansing, Detroit or Ann Arbor, I can't imagine anyone cares a bunch, especially professionally.

 

I don't see that as a viable option unless you share the beliefs of the people you are going to socialize with. And I'd advise caution when going into a Church group: churches are masters of indoctrination. You may go in looking for a date, and walk out dressed in armor ready to go on a crusade (metaphorically speaking).

[PrivateTim]

I don't see that as a viable option unless you share the beliefs of the people you are going to socialize with. And I'd advise caution when going into a Church group: churches are masters of indoctrination. You may go in looking for a date, and walk out dressed in armor ready to go on a crusade (metaphorically speaking).

 

Not at an MCC church and probably not at an open and affirming church.

 

People who don't believe have used "the church" to socially or politically climb for years.

[Steve3]

What about reconnecting with some of those family folks from your past.

[corvus]

If you're sure you want to come out in your professional life, I wouldn't be surprised if some of your clients start hitting on you. I would think hard on that, though.

 

It's too bad you can't go to bars or bowling, but maybe you could wean yourself into a minimal amount of alcohol, and learn how to bowl. Going to places for the express purpose of finding people is quite annoying though; it'd be easier to go with friends, but presumably you need to find the friends first. Online dating, maybe? It's worked for me.

 

I would also recommend dressing like a gay. Not flamboyantly, but in a deliberate way. I'm being vague, but I know nothing about clothes other than they're for taking off.

[PrivateTim]

What about reconnecting with some of those family folks from your past. Through FB, I've reconnected with folks from 30 years ago. 12 years ago was Lewinski-gate, fear about computers and the year 2000. It's not that long ago.

 

Friends from that time might just be delighted for your return to the group!!

 

Steve

[Adam Phillips]

I don't see that as a viable option unless you share the beliefs of the people you are going to socialize with. And I'd advise caution when going into a Church group: churches are masters of indoctrination. You may go in looking for a date, and walk out dressed in armor ready to go on a crusade (metaphorically speaking).

 

You're so damn predictable on this front. (Don't you think the emoticon is appropriate?)

 

But Mark's right; the church as dating service/social circle is questionable unless you already have religious commitments that are compatible with the church's. I'd hate to see anybody whore out their convictions just to make friends.

[rknapp]

FB? Is that a gay website? Because I sure know what an FB is........

 

Facebook. Social network.

 

I agree that you might want to try reconnecting with old friends. They might be able to help bring you back into the fold.

[PrivateTim]

Facebook. Social network.

 

Ha ha, so sweet, so innocent

[methodwriter85]

I'd hate to see anybody whore out their convictions just to make friends.

I came close to joining the Intravarsity Christian club at my school- there were some damned cute guys there. It's been a fantasy of mine to have sex with an innocent Christian guy...

[Tiger]

I came close to joining the Intravarsity Christian club at my school- there were some damned cute guys there. It's been a fantasy of mine to have sex with an innocent Christian guy...

Well, that would mean making him evil! Yay! Corrupt them all.

 

Hoskins, just be you. That may not seem like much, but it's simple and to the point.

[PrivateTim]

I don't see that as a viable option unless you share the beliefs of the people you are going to socialize with. And I'd advise caution when going into a Church group: churches are masters of indoctrination. You may go in looking for a date, and walk out dressed in armor ready to go on a crusade (metaphorically speaking).

 

"churches are masters of indoctrination"

 

Eh not really. Ever been to an Episcopalian service? Nice platitudes.... be nice to everyone, sing Hymn #58, have a nice day..... UCC is pretty similar, be happy, be nice, hug a neighbor.... I wouldn't go to Calvary Chapel or a Foursquare Gospel (did someone put the snakes away?) but a lot of churches barely have any doctrine at all.

[David McLeod]

Lot of excellent advice here. The one I like best was the "be yourself" ("do you") thought. One of my best friends was (dead, now) the most unimposing, poorly educated, physically unattractive, worst dressed guy one could expect to see at 3:00 AM in...Wal-Mart. Yet he was also the most genuine person I've ever known. Nothing was hidden (nothing was flagrant, either); what you saw was what you got. And that was a welcome relief.

Good luck...

[BlueSoxSWJ]

If you're going to go the dating site route, I recommend okcupid.com - It's like an eharmony in that it tries to actively match based on interests, but it's free and gay-friendly, too.