is it just me or...

[malediction]

hey everybody! i'm new here, just registered.

 

my question regards my new "boyfriend" (i consider him my boyfriend but he doesn't like labels ). we just started dating a little over a week ago. he's really sweet and great and all that good stuff and i can really see this going somewhere. however, i do have a bit of a problem with his ex. now i'm 21 and my bf is 19 which isn't too much of an age difference for me. however, i have recently found out that his ex is over 40 (exactly how much over 40 i'm not sure) which kind of bothers me. maybe i'm just old fashioned...

 

anyway, last night i was at his house and i wasn't feeling well and came back home to down some nyquil and get some rest. today we were talking online and all of the sudden he's like "well i guess im getting forced to go to the movies tonight" and it turns out that he's going with his ex.

 

now, i have no reason to think that anything is going on with them anymore, my bf claims that he's still really good friends with his ex just "not on that level" anymore. i've never met this guy, and for all i know he might be a really great guy and i'm just paranoid. but am i the only one that finds this whole situation a little odd? thoughts?

[Dio]

Nothing against your boyfriend, but I'd be a little weirded out too. Its not too common, so I can see how you might be feeling. I got weirded out when my best friend (18) at the time started dating a 27 year old I got over it though.

 

Anyways, don't feel bad, but I'd advise you to let your b/f know how you feel. If its something that bothers you, there is no question you need to let him know it makes you uncomfortable. Thats what I would do. But don't take my word for it

 

good luck, and welcome to GA!~~

-db

[Sparhawk]

Good communications is the way to a great relationship. If it bothers you then discuss it with him and get it out in the open. If you do not then it will fester in you and then it will become a big problem.

 

Good Luck

 

Mike

[JamesSavik]

my bf is 19 which isn't too much of an age difference for me. however, i have recently found out that his ex is over 40 (exactly how much over 40 i'm not sure) which kind of bothers me.

 

There are a number of reasons that younger guys date older guys. Some of them are not very nice.

 

Typically a guy his age that dates someone that much older has issues with or about his father. Perhaps his father was absent or estranged. These relationships are deep and there is quite a lot of feeling involved.

 

The relationship can be good when the older man assumes the role of a mentor and looks out for the best interest of the young man. He becomes something of a surogate father.

 

They can be very bad if the older party is a leach or plays head games with the younger guy.

 

You need to tolk to your boyfriend and figure out the dynamic of the thing.

[malediction]

"Typically a guy his age that dates someone that much older has issues with or about his father. Perhaps his father was absent or estranged. These relationships are deep and there is quite a lot of feeling involved."

 

all he's told me so far is that other than his mother he hates the rest of his family, so that says enough to me right there, although i dont want to press him for information if he doesn't feel comfortable with it.

 

i mean, we haven't been dating very long so i can't say i know too much about the whole situation. i guess i've just never had to deal with this kind of situation.

 

so far he has given me no reason to think that he's messing around with him or anything, and i guess i'll have to reserve judgement on this ex of his until i either meet him in person (i'm a very good judge of character) or get some more info from him.

 

any suggestions on how to bring this up without seeming to be too paranoid or intrusive? thanks for all the advice guys (and gals)

[gobears20022002]

Yes, "being forced" is a way of not taking responsibility for his own actions. My BS detector almost blew up when I read that. Not all 19 year olds are ready to "settle down". Perhaps he senses your willingness to "settle down" and doesn't feel the same way. I liken the going to a movie to the footrub conversation in Pulp Fiction. Going to a movie is/can be an intimate setting. I have never gone to a movie with a woman (I am straight, but relationships are relationships regardless of gender) I didn't want to sleep with. I have also never rubbed a woman's feet without the same intentions. I don't need to psychoanalize your bf to call BS.

 

I do know that a 20-30 year discrecpancy in age also raises red flags. I wouldn't hang out with someone that much younger than me without having a common interest with them. Sex, drugs/alcohol, and hobbies come to mind. The difference in maturity could still be hard to overcome. Although with sex and drugs it is easy to overlook the maturity because addiction can help overlook these things.

[WVSailor]

Hmmm..... As for the age difference, it could be any number of things. I've personally never been one to beat around the bush. It's been said before in reply to your post. "Good Communication" is definately the key.

[AFriendlyFace]

Well I've got a few suggestions for what they're worth. First of all it sounds kinda like he's not ready to commit in general. I was troubled by the fact that he didn't consider himself your boyfriend. I think you two should discuss this, and it could quite easily lead to a discussion on fidelity. For example if it were me, I'd sit him down and say that I really liked him and did consider him my boyfriend. Then say that if he truly only has issues with the "label" then fine, but if he also has trouble with the stuff that comes with the territory then there's a problem. I'd express to him how important faithfullness and no kind of messing around is to me. Basically I'd try to spearhead a discussion which lead to a mutural pledge of fidelity. Then I'd trust him, oh I'd probably be a little jealous, but relationships are built on trust so after expressing my feelings and getting his response I'd trust him until I had reason to believe otherwise. (of course that's just my views and feelings I don't know yours).

 

You also mentioned meeting the EX. I think that's a good idea. Maybe you coulda said "oh which movie are you guys going to see? .....Yeah I'd like to see that one myself, mind if I come along?" Sure I know it's shamelessly inviting yourself, but if they're only going together platonically then it shouldn't be that big deal. Obviously that's passed but maybe you could all go out to dinner or another movie or some other activity together. Just to get to know him, then you wouldn't wonder so much if they were alone together. I mean even if they are "just friends", I'd want to meet my all my significant other's good friends, it's important to give people space with their friends, and not be too possessive, but I don't think wanting to meet them a couple times early on is asking too much.

 

As for what gobears was saying about going to the movies being like a date setting...well I'd have to both agree and disagree. I've been to movies alone with many of my friends both male and female, and the majority of the time I was there to watch the movie,,,,on the other hand a few months ago I went out to dinner and a movie alone with a female friend of mine (who happens to even be engaged by the way), we were just going as friends and he fiance' was fine with it. Yet it actually did start to feel like a date about halfway through, we didn't do ANYTHING, but I felt like she was flirting with me and I was probably flirting back subconsciously. I would NEVER do ANYTHING, no matter how mild, with anyone who was in ANY kind of relationship, which is why nothing happened (well actually I'm sure she didn't want it to progress either), but the point is I actually think something would have happened if she'd been single (I'm ALMOST entirely gay, it's about an 80% guys, 20%girls type of thing, but she's kinda my type and the atmosphere was really there). So anyway that kinda proves both points, settings like that can begin to feel romantic, BUT it all really comes down to trust, nothing was going to happen because we didn't want it to.

 

As for the older guy thing, yeah I think that's a little odd too. I've never got why anyone would want to date someone who reminds them of their parents. Sure I think age doesn't matter and if it's an equal kind of relationship then fine, but if it is some kinda father/mother figure I just don't personally understand it. Anyway those are my opinions. I wish you the very best in your relationship, and hope you guys are able to work past it. Take care!

[libbonobo]

To take a contrary viewpoint, why do these things matter to you? In particular,

1. Why does the age of his ex matter to you? If you view it as a warning sign of pathology, the only way it will make any difference is if you decide to use this information prejudicially and cut off the relationship before getting to know him further. If you decide to give him the benefit of the doubt, a little patience will eventually reveal whether he has psychopathology that you cannot tolerate. If you decide to wait and see, you should put suspicion aside; suspiciousness on YOUR part is itself a psychopathology that will poison the relationship.
    
   
2. Why does what he does with his ex matter to you? Jealousy is useless. Jealousy practically never gets anyone to love you more. Moreover, love is a gift. If you try to compel him to love you, or force him to choose between you and his ex, what you get can't be considered love. Whether good or bad, it appears that he is still quite involved with his ex, and you will very likely have to live with it if you wish to get further involved with him. If you can't live with that, then quit now.
   

The common principle underlying both these points is that you can't control other people. You can only control yourself. You can COMMUNICATE with other people, and try to understand where they're comng from, and let yourself be persuaded, or try to persuade them; but you can't CONTROL them.

[Rocketcnj]

I have to add what others have said....stop. look. listen. observation. keep an open mind. let your prejudices and preconceived notions go.

 

It takes a long time to get to know someone and sometimes even then we don't truly know someone.

 

It soulds like your relationship is in its early stages....go slow, see what happens. information, facts, honesty..all important..also, I tend to agree with Libbonobo...try not to let your values and judgments affect what may be his values and judgments...learn what his are (it doesn't mean that you have to agree with his values but it can help you understand him and see if its a fit for what you want to develop with him) I always say, best to learn what you both want in a relationship and the "rules" and "values" you both can feel will be yours together

 

as an aside......some guys like to date older or younger or don't put an age range on things......its an individual thing, as far as I see it. (I have dated older guys who act like little boys and younger guys who are mature and wise way beyond their age.) There are many reasons for it..maybe you can ask your Guy what his views are on them..to me, there is no right or wrong on the age thing (assuming consenting adults...and not to be confused between two teenagers dating....but I hope I am not muddling this point..probably am with the rambling man that I am)

 

Can you try and be open to what may develop in line with your value system? meaning, communicate, generally, (but not in a these are my rules....live by them or be gone) since you are still learning about each other..and maybe someone isn't comfortable (could be either of you) in just opening yet as to that kind of talk of where your values are, how you were raised, what your dreams/hopes/expectations are.

 

In sum, as was said, communication and open honesty but also kindness..I find if someone is judgmental, by me listening, I can learn a lot about them. Preconceived notions of his former BF don't help except to fuel Jealousy and that only hurts you. The same with control issues....and co dependency issues....

 

my best bet here is go slow.....talk to your Guy (I won't say BF since I don't know how long you are together) and see what he is about...why not say, hey would you feel comfortable if I meet your former BF if you are going to remain friends, I would also like to get to know him too..and for your Guy to know your friends....

 

of course, being in the middle of emotions is tough...and of course, its not us in the middle of them..so, easier for me to stay calm (as having been where you are and not having been wise or smart or self confident enough to communicate...)

 

all in all, kindness in communication with sincerity (and sincerity should be there..not fake) will help allay your fears....and maybe your Guy's fears too....hey, he could be just as nervous about developing things as they go in a relationship too...

 

above all else...Good Luck:) Good Karma sent your way:)

 

Michael

Edited November 2, 2005 by Rocketcnj

[Mark Arbour]

This guy is f**king around on you. He's 20 years old, you've been together for a week...you're being played. I'll bet if he were honest with you, he'd tell you that he wanted a friendship and a f**k buddy, but not a commitment.

 

Or I could be full of shit.

 

Who knows.

[gobears20022002]

This guy is f**king around on you. He's 20 years old, you've been together for a week...you're being played. I'll bet if he were honest with you, he'd tell you that he wanted a friendship and a f**k buddy, but not a commitment.

 

Or I could be full of shit.

 

Who knows.

 

I agree, like the saying goes: "You can't bullshit a bullshitter". Before getting married I had seen enough BS to go around and I know it when I smell it. I won't rationalize his selfish disregard for your feelings. Who goes to a movie with an ex when they are starting a new relationship? Anyone who thinks that that is okay isn't ready for a commited relationship. If a person really cared about your feelings, he wouldn't pull such a stunt as he knows that you could perceive it as a bad situation. Live and learn.

 

P.S. A good rule of thumb to live by: If you have to ask the question, you already know the answer.

Edited November 2, 2005 by gobears20022002

[malediction]

 

sorry for the long wait its been an interesting few days. basically the run down was i really didn't press him for too much information before/right after him going out to the movies. just the typical "what'd you see/was it good" etc etc etc. i worked over the weekend so i really didnt get to spend any time with him as he live about an hour away.

 

anyway, i was chatting with him online at work late sunday, and he made it pretty clear he kind of wanted to see me to talk about some things. we ended up staying up half the night talking about things. basically, he was most happy and impressed that i gave him his space and didn't go crazy about him going to the movies with his ex. apparently the last guy he was with (not the ex) gave him all kinds of crap about it. we talked about his commitment issues (too long to dive into here) and basically agreed that we would take things one day at a time and see how things go. oh and he's calling me his boyfriend now, so i'll take that as a good sign.

 

but all in all it's been an amazing few days here and i couldn't be happier, i feel we're much more open with eachother now. thanks for all the replies/advice everybody its much appreciated.

[AFriendlyFace]

That's great Male! I'm really glad for you, hope things continue to go well for you two!

[Jet]

You've only been dating a couple of weeks. Give him the benefit of the doubt and enjoy yourself. Enjoy the dating, the sex, the companionship, whatever. You are only 21, he is only 19, you both have a long life ahead (hopefully) and it may or may not be a life together. If nothing else, you will probably learn some things about relationships, other people, and yourself, all of which you can use in your future relationships. If for some reason he rubs you the wrong way or you don't feel you can trust him, then move along and don't put yourself thru needless anxiety and stress.

 

Above everything else, enjoy yourself! Dating and relationships are supposed to have a fun element to them. If there is no fun there, why bother?

 

Enjoy!

Jet

[Rocketcnj]

Malediction...see what communication does..it does help a lot....now, I bet in person communication is even better (you said you chatted online) So, now you both have a lot to talk about and grow together and see where things go in general:)

 

Good luck and all the best to you and your BF!!!

 

Michael