Hiding your aspects and characteristics?

[W_L]

I just had an interesting conversation with a co-worker. I am more or less an open secret, no one really cares about my sexuality as I don't care about their lovers, infidelities, or other romantic/sexual partners. The thing though is how I realized that I hide part of my "gay" characteristics during most of activities versus actually living with it.

 

I have a strong dislike of the fems and fashionista crowd, no offense guys it's just that I don't like being associated with those traits.

 

However, when it comes to drama, artists, and music, I am very cosmopolitan underneath everything. I enjoy Woody Allen movies for their poignant humor (even our politics are different), I love Norwegian films for their bitter experimental realism, I love artwork built on layers of color and emotions somewhere between the old school impressionist and expressionist school, and I might be an avid Punk Rock devotee (People get a double take at me, when I tell them I love Punk Rock as I wear a suit and tie with horn rimmed glasses ), but I am also really varied in my taste in music as I branch into a lot of styles and interests. I can enjoy Bluegrass as much as I enjoy Arena Rock, Gospel or Screamo (Kind of the same almost when you think about it deeper ), and Bach or Eminem.

 

The little conversation kind of touched an interesting area; it's like I am repressing my traits more than I should be. I rarely talk about my interests and most people think I am really "straight", but I do rarely go into my passions and interests, which give people a strange "wow" sort of look. It's not a bad type of look like "burn the fag", but it's like why are you a different person thing. I guess for me, my interests go hand and hand with my sexuality and while I am open enough to expose my sexuality, I am still closed off to expose my character and nature with people.

 

Does anyone else ever have that sort of thing, like you're not expressing yourself?

[Cyhort]

I'm not really a total fem and considering almost all my shirts have a video game character or logo on then I'm not at all a fashionista but I do have some characteristics that people would see as "gay". I won't list them all but if you spend any time with me without knowing me you'd at least be "suspicious". If I'm with people I know I don't really hide it, I'm mostly comfortable with who I am. But if I'm alone or with a group of people I don't really know I'll usually be reserved. Not because I'm trying to hide or anything but because I'm naturally shy. Actually the only time I ever actively tried hiding any trace of "gayness" was about a year before I told my parents I was dating a boy. For some reason I didn't want to tell them and have them look back on things I did or said and think "Well, in hindsight it was obvious" or anything like that. Kinda stupid I know but I'm weird like that, lol.

[Dark]

In my mind, this is sort of like talking about "chick movies" or "that's such a guy thing to do." I know many people who don't "advertise" their sexuality (gay or straight) and nobody cares until suddenly they find out you're gay. Then it's like you're hiding a big secret or "living a lie" and I really can't stand that. I am an introvert and am not the kind of person to share family pictures or announce what my plans are for the weekend. I take people by surprise when I tell them I can play magic, love DnD, and am dying to get my hands on Diablo 3. I don't happen to think that's any of their business unless it comes up in a conversation or I'm directly asked, so I suppose you could say I'm hiding my characteristics or whatever, but I just don't care. If someone has a problem with it, that's their problem; I don't have to make it mine. And you know what they say about people who assume ...

[Nephylim]

I am what I am. Period. I don't hide anything. On the other hand I don't show everything to everyone either. I think there is a big difference between hiding who you are and not deliberately and actively revealing it to everyone.

[Dannsar]

There is definitely a difference on a continuum from active hiding through passive hiding, passive showing, active showing. There should even be a militant variety on each end too.

 

My problem is not with the passives who are hiding or showing. It's with the actives. Active hiding is, in my opinion, stupid. You need to be honest and have some backbone, otherwise you prolong your own misery and that of the next generation. And if you declare aversion and criticism to alternative sexualities in the active hiding scenario ... I will out you. And I don't give a flying fig about the moral arguments. You are basically oppressing others on the basis of your own sexuality.

 

Passives though, can possibly be further subdivided. There is a difference in not discussing your husband, for instance by avoiding the topic (my hubby does this to an extent, but he doesn't like going to the local shop, now, because they know his name!), and not discussing your hubby because it doesn't come up. I am not keen on the former, but it seems reasonable if you have a homophobe in your workplace, though I still think it's stupid. As for the latter, well, that seems to me as just being the sort of person whose identity, or more accurately, life mode, is not solely defined by your sexuality. And I can't see what's wrong with that.

 

This could be teased out further to make a philosophical argument about it, but it would be rather pointless, because at the end of it all, you come back to the basic fact of not hiding it by action. It is everybody's right to express which parts of their own personality they want to as they see fit.

 

But I hate liars. And I hate bullies. And when liars are also bullies, they are fair game for the active outing gun!

[Y_B]

Some of my interests easily go hand-in-hand with gayness but I hate to think about them as being directly related. It may or may not be coincidental for there to be things that gay people tend to enjoy more like theater or whatnot but they're not exclusive to gays and it goes back to labeling which is more silly than not. Now whether or not I'd be interested in the same things were I to be straight is something to wonder but it's not gonna change anything. So anyways, I like chick flicks and Glee just because I do, I really don't like to think of it as; I like chick flicks and Glee because I'm homo.

 

In regard to what you said about expressing yourself...that's just a personality. I don't think you're suppressing or hiding just because you don't like to talk about your interests. Many people don't. Being open doesn't have to mean being forward.

[W_L]

Well, maybe it is personality. I just am less inclined to talk about art and other interest with people, but on the other hand, I can talk to people a lot about sports and politics. I'm an avid NCAA bracket guy in Basketball and Football, both sports which I enjoy as a spectator. Hockey is kind of a new love for me and I rarely touch Baseball or Soccer.

 

Why is a person extroverted on some subjects and introverted in others? If the subjects are related to a stereotype of their sexuality, is there really a connection?

 

I mean that's why I kind of got that reflective jolt. The conversation somehow ventured into music and she talked about her interest in modern rock and its incorporation in society, then somehow it lead into "Rent" (I know, maybe she was baiting me, but I was there at the 2nd to last showing on Broadway, 3rd row second seat on the left and it was memorable for me.). I mean, it was like lightning and I talked about the fun musical scoring, thematic genres, and the issues of an urban society seeking something to relate.

 

Maybe, it's just Rent as I really don't care that much for Hairspray or Sweeney Todd to be honest that my thoughts explode in so many directions.

[Wulfenite]

I was having a conversation in school the other day. I don't act feminine or anything, and I just transferred to this school so no one there knows I am gay. I don't really give them a reason too either. But one thing I did makes me feel a little guilty. I was talking about having children, and I never mentioned anything about having a boyfriend or anything. I went so far as to say "my (hypothetical) wife" at one point. I realized right on the spot that I was being a total douche but didn't correct myself.

 

I've always told myself that I'd be up front with everyone--that I would just go ahead and say boyfriend, not roommate. I've never said it though. Anytime I'm asked in public if my boyfriend is my brother I look to him to answer, or if someone asks about him when he isn't around I just go with their assumption. I have no idea what comes over me in those situations. I guess I get so desperately afraid that people will look at me differently if they knew. I hate that about myself, but in those situations I just get really anxious, almost to the point of getting panicky.

[Y_B]

But one thing I did makes me feel a little guilty. I was talking about having children, and I never mentioned anything about having a boyfriend or anything. I went so far as to say "my (hypothetical) wife" at one point. I realized right on the spot that I was being a total douche but didn't correct myself.

 

I wouldnt call that being douchey

 

I've always told myself that I'd be up front with everyone--that I would just go ahead and say boyfriend, not roommate. I've never said it though. Anytime I'm asked in public if my boyfriend is my brother I look to him to answer, or if someone asks about him when he isn't around I just go with their assumption. I have no idea what comes over me in those situations. I guess I get so desperately afraid that people will look at me differently if they knew. I hate that about myself, but in those situations I just get really anxious, almost to the point of getting panicky.

 

If you don't feel comfortable being upfront, why are you trying to force yourself to be?

[Mark92]

I dont know if It's the way I am so remote and cut-off from the outside, But I would shout it from the rooftops. Even more so now I've found the one special man. I've said I would hug and kiss him publically. I have no shame at all and even fewer inhibitions. I run around naked most days.

I think he would have a problem with me being so openly gay, and for his sake only would I temper it down or hide it.

I believe if you love someone then you love someone. It shouldnt matter what sex they are. Well i''m in love with my man and I dont give a flying fig who knows. I am pretty much straight acting, but I would never hide it. Accept me as I am or bugger off. I dont care

[hh5]

Imagine living in a world where your Asian and your a minority ... like 0.0023% of the school ... then add strict parents who are homophobic ... a father thats so hard to get a long with ... then add the bullies who go after minorities ... then add being gay ....

 

it brings some perspective that not all places are gay friendly ... and it does take luck to find those pocket places to stay where its safe.

 

not many are fortunate

[Michael9344]

I wouldn't say that I exhibit my sexuality. I'm not exactly Fem. In fact, by looking at me, I'm fem at all. But I do some little things that seem fem. I love chick flicks. Hates football. Loves karoke, and so on. I like to think that I love and hate these things because I'm me and not because I'm gay.

So like I said, I don't 'exhibit', but don't shout it out too. Around here - where I live. Gay = Death Sentence. So while I don't hide that I love chick flicks or my dislike of football, I don't admit to being gay. Many ppl have asked me pointedly if I'm gay, and I'm not ashamed that I've said no most of the times. I only admit it to ppl I really trust and I'm sure won't swing anything at me.

[NightOwl88]

I am what I am. Period. I don't hide anything. On the other hand I don't show everything to everyone either. I think there is a big difference between hiding who you are and not deliberately and actively revealing it to everyone.

 

See this is how I am too. I don't try to hide anything but at the same time I'm not an open book. If it is relevant to what I am doing or saying in a given moment or situation then it comes up, if not than it doesn't. If you ask me a direct question, in a honest and none confrontational way I'll answer honestly, if not then I tell you it's none of your buisness.

 

Apparently it's a shock when peopkle find out I'm gay, I've heard 'Dude you so don't look gay' in so many different variations and from so many different people it's kind of comical. I actually have one friend who doesn't think I'm telling the truth, she thinks it's some sort of long running joke lol.

[Marzipan]

I hide a lot of myself to the people around me, not because of what I am just because I hate that the people I don't like or respect has any private information about me. I'm not saying I live a double life since I dont't. I just don't like to share. If I do, I don't explain. What ever people think about me is their own business, it doesn't change how I think about myself.

 

What matters to me is how the people I have let inside my life, who trully know me think about me. I don't hide anything from them. I don't want to nor can.

[DragonMando]

My rule of thumb: if I don't feel safe, I don't talk. It's kept me out of a lot of trouble, and frankly it's no one's business whether I'm straight, gay, bi, ace, demi, whathaveyou and I feel kind of annoyed when people feel like they have to share their love life with me, regardless of their orientation. This also bleeds over into interests because people will assume I'm a "dyke" if they find out I like videogames and a weeaboo if they hear I write stories. It's just a better situation for me when people don't know anything about me.

[Dark]

It's shows like Will and Grace that we have to thank for "gayness" being equated with "fem."

 

That kind of thinking is an idiotic stereotype. Those two words do not mean the same thing. Every time I see a stereotypical "gay" character I just want to punch them. People who think you have to act like that in order to be gay are just as stupid.

 

It's like what one of my fellow teachers said after a parent-teacher conference: the parent thought that I'd be a bad teacher like all the other bad teachers she's seen on TV, so she was yelling at me for things she thought I was doing because that's what teachers do on TV. Why do people have to be so stupid?

[comicfan]

I don't know if it would be classified as hiding anything. I think people naturally act different depending on where they are or who they are with. I can be fairly quiet and reserved but get me out with my friends and I'm the life of the party. In most aspects I'm just me. I don't think I intentionally act different. I think it is just normal. At work i don't have the opportunity or the desire to listen to everyone's private life. General ''hello, how are you, how is the family, is sort of the conversation held. No one wants to get too close because there is a high turn over. Besides in my department you usually work by yourself so you only rarely see your coworkers except when in the break room and rarely the same ones twice during the week.

 

I have never hidden the fact I am gay. If asked I have no problem telling anyone. However I also don't go around waving a rainbow flag demanding I get different treatment either. Either accept me as I am or just get out of my way.

[Abersloth]

I never actively try to conceal my sexuality. I wouldn't go so far as to refer to a nonexistent girlfriend or pretend to be engrossed by packs of hot girls that walk by with my friends. That being said, I have yet to meet somebody who deduced, completely through the powers of observation, that I am gay. I'm very straight acting, and I'm in a field that is overwhelmingly dominated by straight males. I have yet to hear of another gay physicist, and I suspect most people can lay claim to that as well; so, it shouldn't come as a surprise that most of my friends were clueless until they bothered to read my Facebook profile, or until it came up in conversation. Nobody that I've met has a problem with my sexuality or any of my mannerisms and tastes, but if I ever did, I wouldn't care a whole lot. It's their problem, not mine.

 

There are certain other aspects of my character that I do hide from people in real life, subconsciously or actively. I'm very shy, for example. I feel very uncomfortable around new people unless I already have an "in" with them. I'm very sensitive. I cry more than most guys beyond age 10. I'm very sentimental. Symbolic and literal affection mean a lot to me, and I have a memory box with dozens of concert and movie stubs, letters I've written without meaning to send, letters I've received, pictures of friends and family, doodles and notes that have been passed, locks of hair from pets that have passed, and many other small objects with personal value. For those of you who have talked to me at any length before, that probably wasn't very apparent. I guess I try to come off as a hardass to hide from my own personality.

[hh5]

My aunt says she can tell if someone is gay or not. She reason that she has 35 years experience in the bar business. Well I love to tell her get her gaydar fixed. My roommate in college could not tell I was gay during the four years. We came out to each other almost ten years later. LOL, he got the surprise more than I did.

[Mal]

I guess I used to. Since coming out, I've noticed some "gay" mannerisms start to show themselves, not that I am not actively trying to hide them. Just my gestures and some of my speech. I have yet to be in a situation where i have to make that decision, but since I am headed to college in January, I'm sure the chance will present itself.

 

And Ab, if everything goes well, I will be another gay Physicist.

 

On an unrelated note, Jeff, your boyfriend is VERY lucky. That is all i shall say.

[Michael9344]

My aunt says she can tell if someone is gay or not. She reason that she has 35 years experience in the bar business. Well I love to tell her get her gaydar fixed. My roommate in college could not tell I was gay during the four years. We came out to each other almost ten years later. LOL, he got the surprise more than I did.

 

hmmm. That your roomate failed to guess that you're gay doesn't mean that your aunt doesn't have a gaydar.