How to deal with a young teenager and pornography?

[Kitt]

The methods have changed since I was a kid, but I don't think the issue has. I can remember when my best friend and I found her dad's stash of Penthouse magazines. We were fascinated by the entire concept and no amount of moving the hiding place stopped us.

 

Today it is not just internet porn you need to keep an eye on. Something as simple as their phones could lead to just as much experimentation. Smart phones access the net. Even "old fashioned" flip phones are used for ''sexting"  in which teens send revealing pictures and provocative texts to each other.  The sexting thing really hit the fan around here when a boy who had been dumped decided to share his girlfriends pics with the football team.

 

The bottom line is maturity. You seem to have a great rapport with your boy. Use it. Talk. He agreed to the current block. If you keep the lines of communication as open as they are now, he will let you know when he thinks its time to remove the block and you can sit down and decide together, just the way you decided to place the block together.

[Celethiel]

shoot the teenager in da head... my answer to the topic without you explaining it joke btw....

all in all, however Teenagers are, the legality is exposing underage kids to porn (including anime/cartoon versions) is actually a crime, even for under aged kids... ie teenagers.

if they are caught by authorities viewing it they can have some problems... such as being sent to juvie among other things...

be that as it may teenagers are more than likely going to find it in an environment with internet...and the younger the teenager is, usually the more loopy they are hormonally, i'd in my moderate (although not humble) opinion block the site indefinately, but probably ignore him looking at this stuff when he's around 15 or so, other things are more important... like drugs, and worrying about things like sexual preditors... etc.

[Graeme]

Thank you, everyone, for all of your thoughtful posts! It's really very much appreciated

 

Give him boundaries but also give him space. Please.

 

The real answer in a nutshell. Implementation is tricky, but I 100% agree with the guideline

Seriously, the worst thing you can do is overreact and make it out to be something dirty. It will make him shameful about sex, and drive him to want it more but in secret because it's something off limits. My friends and I looked at porn together when we were 12-13, and it was mostly out of curiosity more then anything else. Like others said it all depends on his maturity level. If he's mature enough to handle it, I say let him look occasionally. Better to de-stigmatize it early then drive it "underground" where bad habits can develop IMO. 

With neither boy have we made it be something dirty. The older brother got into trouble showing porn to one of his friends, but it was clear to me that he was doing it based on the 'curiosity' factor you mentioned.

 

The key, I think, is to stay aware of your child, and while granting him reasonable privacy, to be aware of what he's doing, not let him isolate excessively, not let him focus his time and energies on only one thing, not to allow too much alone-time. These are things my parents did with us. My little brother had some difficulties with substances in college, but that's because he was trying to escape an experience from his past that he hadn't had the resources to resolve successfully when he was younger. He got through it, and he's fine now.

LOL -- too late on the 'not let him focus his time and energies on only one thing'. His computer is a large part of his life... but that doesn't make it alone time. He and his brother are very much into games that you can play together -- either in person, or online. I'm not happy with the amount of time he spends on the computer, but I don't think it's a completely anti-social activity, either. He's just interacting in a way that's different to my generation. We know the mix is not well balanced at the moment, but we're not going to push him too hard to change -- just enough to, hopefully, start the processing rolling.

 

The methods have changed since I was a kid, but I don't think the issue has. I can remember when my best friend and I found her dad's stash of Penthouse magazines. We were fascinated by the entire concept and no amount of moving the hiding place stopped us.

My concern is that Penthouse and Playboy are mild compared to what's available online today. Hardcore pornography was much harder to obtain in our generation, and that could be a crucial difference. The websites that I've blocked are at the Penthouse/Playboy equivalent level, I think, which is why I'll unblock them again in the future... I'm just trying to work out when. I'll probably follow Sasha's advice and do so next year.

 

I deliberately decided to not activate parental controls on either boys laptops. Firstly, my youngest son wouldn't have a problem in finding a way around it -- he's very computer literate. That's why I've gone with a collaborative approach with him: a mutually agreed temporary solution. Both boys are still capable of surfing for porn. I'm not trying to stop that. I'm trying to keep things at a reasonable level, with 'reasonable' being a very hard to define term.

 

Thanks again to everyone's comments. I noticed about half the comments were from my generation (50+) and half from much younger (17-27). I really appreciate the views from such a broad range of ages

[Sammy Blue]

LOL -- too late on the 'not let him focus his time and energies on only one thing'. His computer is a large part of his life... but that doesn't make it alone time. He and his brother are very much into games that you can play together -- either in person, or online. I'm not happy with the amount of time he spends on the computer, but I don't think it's a completely anti-social activity, either. He's just interacting in a way that's different to my generation. We know the mix is not well balanced at the moment, but we're not going to push him too hard to change -- just enough to, hopefully, start the processing rolling.

 

:worship:

 

I wish more parents would understand this. It took my parents a long time to graps this concept! (I finally managed to raise my parents though, instead of them raising me. I did well =) )

[C J]

I really can't give any parenting suggestions since I don't know much about that subject, but I do know blocking a website isn't going to stop a boy from finding porn if he wants to.  I don't think that's what your dealing with though.  I have the impression that your boy isn't all that intensely interested in seeing porn, and it seems that you and him are close enough that he will let you in on what he's up to.  I think he's probably more interested in what you think about this stuff than he is in the stuff itself.  I'm making a guess based on your post, but I bet it's a pretty good guess.  I'm also basing this guess from my own experience as a son who values my Dad's views.  At the same time, there were things I did just because I wanted to know about them.  Some were good and some weren't so good, but it all worked out.

 

In short, a caring Dad has a lot of power to influence his son, even if he isn't totally aware of it.  I think your that kind of Dad.

[Mark Arbour]

The University where I work tries to keep our students from engaging in prurient activities like looking at porn.  They have installed all kinds of filters to try and stop them.  Here was one guy's post on facebook:

 

"Fucking XXXX IT Department.  I can look at any porn I want, but I can't download music." 

[Mann Ramblings]

I don't have anything new to offer really, Graeme. You obviously have a relationship with your son that most gay men would envy. That alone will give you the opportunity to help him make healthy decisions in the long run.

 

By the way, thanks for introducing me to OGLAF. It's hysterical and equal opportunity in its sexuality.

[TetRefine]

The University where I work tries to keep our students from engaging in prurient activities like looking at porn.  They have installed all kinds of filters to try and stop them.  Here was one guy's post on facebook:

 

"Fucking XXXX IT Department.  I can look at any porn I want, but I can't download music." 

 

What kind of university blocks its students from accessing stuff that isn't illegal? Something as popular as porn at that! My one roommate has work study in the IT department here, and his boss told him that the number one thing that is accessed by male dorm residents on the university's wifi is porn. Nothing else was even a close second. If they block porn on you're campus, you must have some incredibly sexually frustrated males running amok there, haha. 

[hh5]

lol isn't it Manga??

gosh in asian culture it so easy to pick it up at a news stand

I guess u will chaperone him at the comic conventions

http://kotaku.com/5918616/and-japans-most-popular-manga-is-survey-says

Last month, goo Research polled 1,939 Japanese people from ages 15 to 44 about their manga reading habits. Questions ranged from which manga they read to who their favorite character is—they even asked about favorite one-liners. So if manga is your drug of choice, read on to see which are the most popular in Japan right now.

 

All 1,939 people polled were asked to indicate whether they even like manga or not. Three-fourths of the respondents like or love it; only 6.4% actively dislike it (with the remaining 19.1% being indifferent toward manga). Even then, only 21.8% of those polled claim to never read manga at all.

 

Edited March 3, 2014 by hh5

[W_L]

I was addicted to several stories on nifty as a teenager...there I said it (Now I need a shower)

 

Anyway, one of the factors that helped me discover my sexuality: when I accidentally found gay hentai online; I found the images of muscular male cartoon characters in erotic positions during the 56K days of the internet. I didn't know what to make of it, I wasn't even horny at 12 years old, but I just like the pictures.

 

Graeme, exploring your sexuality is something every boy does around that age. It's normal and if he does enjoy boys slightly more than girls; we'll welcome him to GA However, the only thing is that you should warn him about the dangers of certain things; i.e. computer viruses from porn sites, negative aspects of idealizing sex (Porn is an ideal, I doubt many people can hold out that long during sex ), and predators online. The modern world requires a combination of loosening and warnings about new dangers.

 

The only other advice that I can add to the normal list of experiences and warnings: be supportive and love him unconditionally, no matter what he is into as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else.

Edited March 3, 2014 by W_L

[Zombie]

Just to concur with what's already been said, I think you're doing a pretty fine job doing what you're doing, Graeme. If all kids had open lines of communication with responsible and caring parents they respect, trust and love like yours obviously do with you, then many of the problems we see around us would just disappear As for addiction, well that applies to internet use generally and sitting for long periods every day is definitely not healthy.  Maybe you could agree a daily limit to all online activities so they can get off their butts, give their eyes a rest and go do all the stuff that kids used to do

Talking of which, what should I do about my GA addiction?
 

[Kitt]

Do kids even know how to play stick ball or kick the can any more?

[Daddydavek]

Do kids even know how to play stick ball or kick the can any more?

 

Not unless it's a video game.....