[Shadowgod] Living in Surreality

[shadowgod]

First a few questions etc...

 

Take this with a grain of salt!

 

With such excellent work like this, I thought you might want to fix the VERY few things I found confusing or missed.

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Chapter 2 Half way down

Oh don

[Tracy]

awww steve. i know i've told you this a dozen times already, but i absolutely adore this story.

 

There in the darkness, shivering from nerves and the cool breeze that blew through the yard, Matt felt glorious warmth spreading in slow waves from his lips down to his toes that were still surrounded by swirling water. Matt felt like his heart was going to thunder out of his chest, when the feeling of Jacob's open palm pressed against the ridge of his breast bone. Slowly opening his eyes, Matt's vision was met with the curve of Jacob's face and the sight of Jacob's closed eyes.

 

the way you described that evoked life-like images in my mind. imho, the timing, and the description of their first kiss was just perfect. cant wait for the next chapter!

 

p.s. i think its FBTE, not FTBE

Edited November 3, 2006 by tracy

[shadowgod]

awww steve. i know i've told you this a dozen times already, but i absolutely adore this story.

the way you described that evoked life-like images in my mind. imho, the timing, and the description of their first kiss was just perfect. cant wait for the next chapter!

p.s. i think its FBTE, not FTBE

 

Thanks tracy, I know you have told me a dozen times. That makes the 13th no less special though.

 

as for the sigi snafu... your just lucky there isnt a finger smilie in here anywhere....

[knotme]

A few comments on Chapter 5:

 

The intimate scenes in the first half of chapter are quite effective. Well done! Jason must notice that he's less overwhelmed than Matt, but raging hormones don't make for logical drawing of conclusions.

 

A nitpick: "Jacob knew he had to break the tension which seemed to be swirling around them, thicker than the cool water of the pool only a few paces away". The problem is that water is the standard for a thin liquid. Air is thinner ("vanished in thin air"), but I think you want to make a stronger statement than "thicker than air".

 

I can't figure out the bold phrase in "... ; futures were wasted, until a comfortable silence descended upon them." Help, anyone?

 

For me, the final scene is well motivated. Matt simply cannot handle the affection Jacob has given him. Fortunately, Matt knows that Jacob knows what Matt said. The ball's in Matt's court. What's he going to do?

[shadowgod]

A few comments on Chapter 5:

 

The intimate scenes in the first half of chapter are quite effective. Well done! Jason must notice that he's less overwhelmed than Matt, but raging hormones don't make for logical drawing of conclusions.

 

Thanks knotme!

 

A nitpick: "Jacob knew he had to break the tension which seemed to be swirling around them, thicker than the cool water of the pool only a few paces away". The problem is that water is the standard for a thin liquid. Air is thinner ("vanished in thin air"), but I think you want to make a stronger statement than "thicker than air".

 

I'll have to put some thaught into that phrasing... Yeah I wanted a stronger statement then thicker then air was able to provide provide.

 

I can't figure out the bold phrase in "... ; futures were wasted, until a comfortable silence descended upon them." Help, anyone?

 

For me, the final scene is well motivated. Matt simply cannot handle the affection Jacob has given him. Fortunately, Matt knows that Jacob knows what Matt said. The ball's in Matt's court. What's he going to do?

 

I can comment further even on the futures wasted phrase, I'd like to see what other peoples take on it is though.

 

 

so yup, Insert groveling pleas for constructive criticisim here! even some exchange of theorys theories... honestly I really shouldn't need an editor to post a comment :S

Steve

Edited November 11, 2006 by shdowgod

[shadowgod]

Hey everybody!

 

Just loaded Chapter 6 of Living in Surreality. Its a short chapter, my first yet hopefully the only Anyhow, I hope yall enjoy, and if you do, or dont. Let me know what you think!

 

Steve

[C James]

Hey everybody!

 

Just loaded Chapter 6 of Living in Surreality. Its a short chapter, my first yet hopefully the only Anyhow, I hope yall enjoy, and if you do, or dont. Let me know what you think!

 

Steve

 

Ouch! Poor Jacob, in more ways than one!

 

I loved the Nurse, and I definitly DON'T like Richard! Slime...

 

GREAT chapter! And an eeevil cliffhanger!!

[DarkShadow]

I have come to the conclusion that we authors are all sadists and masochists at the same time. I feel compelled to keep reading this story knowing I am going to be punished with an inevitable cliffhanger, but yet I cannot stop myself. It is that same torture I inflict on others in my own writing and I LOVE IT!

 

I just finished chapter 5 and 6 and am so disappointed there isn't more to read I could scream lol. This is really great stuff, and I want MORE!

 

The visuals you create with your writing are incredibly vivid in my mind. I hope to have more to read soon!

 

Thank you!

[knotme]

A chance to practice my vocabulary: Valerie is am amazing person, to be worried about Matt's reaction while still nauseous from Richard's nauseating advance.

 

Viola is also nauseous. Viola gets more respect than I do at the checkout line. I remember once slamming items onto the belt. After 4 or 5 slams, the checker to told me off. Do some checkers smile their way through such an encounter?

 

At the end, I presume that Valerie is hurrying on over. Neither Jacob nor Matt seems to have poisoned their relationship further this chapter. If Viola does indeed drive Richard away, Matt may slowly improve. Things are looking up ever so slightly.

 

I wonder about "sallow eyes". Sallow typically refers to skin color, one that is yellow or pale brown on face that is not supposed to be yellow or pale brown. But eyes? What does the author mean by this?

 

A "scathing look" is by definition "witheringly scornful", and I believe it is directed at the person being looked at unless otherwise stated. The author does not intend this, I'm almost sure.

 

I have a question about what may be the most powerful sentence in this chapter:

She needn't give voice to the threat that was basking in the pure joy of her spited mind.

Does spited mean being an object of spite, or does it mean being burdened with spite for another? Only the second meaning works here. "Burden" is my loaded term, at odds with the expression of joy. "Heav'n has no rage like love to hatred turn'd / Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd." The tales of Salome and Medea affirm that joyous fury can be a form of madness. Viola seems sane, maybe saner than she been for a few years. Edited November 11, 2006 by knotme

[shadowgod]

FIRST THINGS FIRST!!

 

Big thanks to everyone who has left Living in Surreality a review in Efiction Y'all have made the story pop onto the 10 most reviewed list! Goal one achieved so keep em coming...

 

now on to business....

 

I have come to the conclusion that we authors are all sadists and masochists at the same time. I feel compelled to keep reading this story knowing I am going to be punished with an inevitable cliffhanger, but yet I cannot stop myself. It is that same torture I inflict on others in my own writing and I LOVE IT!

 

I just finished chapter 5 and 6 and am so disappointed there isn't more to read I could scream lol. This is really great stuff, and I want MORE!

 

The visuals you create with your writing are incredibly vivid in my mind. I hope to have more to read soon!

 

Thank you!

 

No, definantly thank you for continuing to read! I have been kicking around the idea of posting at least part of chapter 7 in sneak peaks sometime thisweekend, mostly as a thanks to you guys for helping me get on one of the tens lists... So keep your eye out for it

 

 

A chance to practice my vocabulary: Valerie is am amazing person, to be worried about Matt's reaction while still nauseated from Richard's nauseating advance.

 

Viola is also nauseous. Viola gets more respect than I do at the checkout line. I remember once slamming items onto the belt. After 4 or 5 slams, the checker to told me off. Do some checkers smile their way through such an encounter?

 

At the end, I presume that Valerie is hurrying on over. Neither Jacob nor Matt seems to have poisoned their relationship further this chapter. If Viola does indeed drive Richard away, Matt may slowly improve. Things are looking up every so slightly.

 

I wonder about "sallow eyes". Sallow typically refers to skin color, one that is yellow or pale brown on face that is not supposed to be yellow or pale brown. But eyes? What does the author mean by this?

 

A "scathing look" is by definition "witheringly scornful", and I believe it is directed at the person being looked at unless otherwise stated. The author does not intend this, I'm almost sure.

 

I have a question about what may be the most powerful sentence in this chapter:Does spited mean being an object of spite, or does it mean being burdened with spite for another? Only the second meaning works here. "Burden" is my loaded term, at odds with the expression of joy. "Heav'n has no rage like love to hatred turn'd / Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd." The tales of Salome and Medea affirm that joyous fury can be a form of madness. Viola seems sane, maybe saner than she been for a few years.

 

Wow Knotme, I honestly love reading the comments you post on this story. They make me rethink what I have written, push me to do better. I appriciate that alot.

 

about the sallow eyes I assume you are refering to the following sentence.

 

Her sallow brown eyes landing on a middle-aged African-American woman dressed in bright blue pants and top, which had some Disney character or another all over it.

 

I'll be the first to admit, I used sallow liberally in that sentence. Sallow from my understanding is a word usually aquainted with sickness. In a round about way I was trying to reinforce Joanne's 'sick with worry' in passing.

 

I see your point on the scathing look, I'll have to find a more sutible word for the 'girl are you damn crazy?' look

 

As far as the spited referance, where Viola is concerned there is a third possibility, which in conversly tied to the second of the two you pointed. Obeject of spite, Spite for another, or spite for oneself.

 

Here though I think its a good mixture of the three... Shame in herself for avoiding the situation for so long. Hurt that she could never be the only woman her husband ever wanted, then well Vengeful for all those same reasons.

 

Thanks for reading Knotme! and please do keep bringing up points you dont understand!

 

Steve

 

Ps since no discussion ever came of it, Futures wasted was a euphimisim or metaphore if you will, spilled seed is just so blasie anymore....

[knotme]

Ps since no discussion ever came of it, Futures wasted was a euphimisim or metaphore if you will, spilled seed is just so blasie anymore....

Went over my head, but in retrospect, it makes sense!

[C James]

Went over my head, but in retrospect, it makes sense!

 

It went over my head too, but I got it once I thoguht about it for a while. That was really clever IMHO, and avoided a cliche too.

[shadowgod]

hehehe....

 

Not so successful if no one understood it

 

Oh well, no one is perfect...

 

Speaking of I cant wait to see the firestorm chapter seven ignights...

 

Steve

[C James]

Speaking of I cant wait to see the firestorm chapter seven ignights...

 

Well, I should think so! You, in my opinion, should have made the Aliens that killed Matt and Jacob a little more believable, and did you really have to blow up the Earth so darn early in the chapter?

[shadowgod]

Well, I should think so! You, in my opinion, should have made the Aliens that killed Matt and Jacob a little more believable, and did you really have to blow up the Earth so darn early in the chapter?

 

HEY! blame DK he's the one who gave me the idea of using my dream as a story!

 

[C James]

HEY! blame DK he's the one who gave me the idea of using my dream as a story!

 

And here I thoguht you were going to yell at me for giving away spoilers...

[shadowgod]

Nah... I like spoilers..... Speaking of,

 

Chapter 7

 

Now just to sit back, relax and wait for the firestorm to begin....

 

Steve

[TOPBOI]

O M G I just love this story but like a crack addict I need more :-)

 

Chris

[Tracy]

Nah... I like spoilers..... Speaking of,

 

Chapter 7

 

Now just to sit back, relax and wait for the firestorm to begin....

 

Steve

 

OMG! you didnt!! OMG! Val and Jacob?! OMG steve!

 

well that was certainly a surprise.

anywhoo, great job as usual! keep em coming

[C James]

O M G I just love this story but like a crack addict I need more :-)

Chris

 

Me too!! It is genuinely addictive.

 

OMG! you didnt!! OMG! Val and Jacob?! OMG steve!

 

well that was certainly a surprise.

anywhoo, great job as usual! keep em coming

 

I was bowled over by that, too! That was definitly a surprise, but, after thinking about it, I think there were hints all along.

 

When Jacob moved in and Joanne saw him watching Valerie and Matt, she asked him which one.

I think that implies that she knows that Jacob is Bi, not gay. however, I only made that connection after reading this chapter!

 

Steve, this is one heck of a roller-coaster you have us on!!

Thank you!!!

[shadowgod]

O M G I just love this story but like a crack addict I need more :-)

 

Chris

 

Great!! now a crack pusher... Glad your enjoying it chris!

 

OMG! you didnt!! OMG! Val and Jacob?! OMG steve!

 

well that was certainly a surprise.

anywhoo, great job as usual! keep em coming

 

did what? the only question, was it a good surprise or a bad surprise?

 

Me too!! It is genuinely addictive.

I was bowled over by that, too! That was definitly a surprise, but, after thinking about it, I think there were hints all along.

 

When Jacob moved in and Joanne saw him watching Valerie and Matt, she asked him which one.

I think that implies that she knows that Jacob is Bi, not gay. however, I only made that connection after reading this chapter!

 

Steve, this is one heck of a roller-coaster you have us on!!

Thank you!!!

 

:wacko: beh.... labels... Why do you have to catogorize and sub-catagorize everything to death. I guess it makes things easier to explain in the long run...

 

Anyhow, some firestorm! must be one of the slow burning smolders...

[C James]

Great!! now a crack pusher... Glad your enjoying it chris!

:wacko: beh.... labels... Why do you have to catogorize and sub-catagorize everything to death. I guess it makes things easier to explain in the long run...

 

Anyhow, some firestorm! must be one of the slow burning smolders...

 

Howdy, crack pusher!

 

Well, the reason i use labels is plain and simple laziness. I do realize that for a great many "gay" people, there is a potential for some attraction to the opposite sex. I also know that for some people, they can be attracted to either sex. However, it is so much faster to label and categorize, that well, I just do even though it is so often inaccurate.

 

I think you will get your firestorm, though! It just takes a while to sink in. I'm certainly wondering just what Jacob was thinking, if he cares for Matt? Val is Matt's best friend, so it isn't likely that Matt wouldn't find out. Was Jacob trying to hurt Matt to get even!?!?!?

 

I hope I'm wrong here about Jacob, and I'd really like to hear other opinions on this?

 

BTW, You are Eeeevil!

[DarkShadow]

Nah... I like spoilers..... Speaking of,

 

Chapter 7

 

Now just to sit back, relax and wait for the firestorm to begin....

 

Steve

 

My only regret is that I didn't read this chapter sooner! Here is what I posted as the review:

 

Woah!!! What a shit storm of unfortunate events! It's palpable and I love it! Just when I was getting ready to hate Valerie, you went and made her a good person again. I'm finding a hard time lining up my sights on just who is the victim here, and who is the assailant!

 

I have to say, these three people are NOT having a good day!!

 

Riveting! Can't wait for the next chapter!

[Tracy]

did what? the only question, was it a good surprise or a bad surprise?

neither. it was just plain evil i mean.. come on! who woulda thought?! i bet you're really enjoying our shocked reactions and you'd better not get used to the idea of these "surprises" cuz my heart cant take it anymore!

 

I think you will get your firestorm, though! It just takes a while to sink in. I'm certainly wondering just what Jacob was thinking, if he cares for Matt? Val is Matt's best friend, so it isn't likely that Matt wouldn't find out. Was Jacob trying to hurt Matt to get even!?!?!?

 

I hope I'm wrong here about Jacob, and I'd really like to hear other opinions on this?

 

I dont think Jacob was intentionally trying to hurt Matt. That's my opinion anyway. You can see from the previous chapters that he cares a great deal for Matt. I'm just glad Val was able to put a stop to it, cuz i know that men will never be able to think properly once all the blood goes to the other head.

 

Obviously, that kiss was only meant to divert Val's attention, only it didnt end up the way it was supposed to. Jacob was hurt, and maybe he just needed or wanted to know what it was like to feel 'cared for' again, and from the way Val kissed him back, it 'satisfied' his hunger temporarily.

 

if that didnt make sense, blame steve! this chapter made me think too much, and it turned my brain into mush :wacko:

im excitedly awaiting the next chapter, steve

[C James]

neither. it was just plain evil i mean.. come on! who woulda thought?! i bet you're really enjoying our shocked reactions and you'd better not get used to the idea of these "surprises" cuz my heart cant take it anymore!

 

Didn't you know? Steve owns stock in a heart-medication company, so these shocks are all part of his get-rich-quick scheme.

 

I dont think Jacob was intentionally trying to hurt Matt. That's my opinion anyway. You can see from the previous chapters that he cares a great deal for Matt. I'm just glad Val was able to put a stop to it, cuz i know that men will never be able to think properly once all the blood goes to the other head.

 

LoL!!! Good point!!!

 

I don't know though, Jacob would have been hurt very badly by what Matt said. Who knows what is going through his (upper) head?

Obviously, that kiss was only meant to divert Val's attention, only it didnt end up the way it was supposed to. Jacob was hurt, and maybe he just needed or wanted to know what it was like to feel 'cared for' again, and from the way Val kissed him back, it 'satisfied' his hunger temporarily.

 

Hmmmmm... Maybe Jacob is just using Val to get to his heart's true desire? I mean, what guy wouldn't fall for a cherry 1965 midnight blue Mustang convertible!

 

if that didnt make sense, blame steve! this chapter made me think too much, and it turned my brain into mush :wacko: im excitedly awaiting the next chapter, steve

 

Hmmm. I like the "Blame Steve" part!!! Hmmm, I had a clogged fuel filter this morning that I had to fix on the road, and it was a mess. I blame Steve! YEah, I like the sound of that!!!