Cia

I voted. Sorry for the low number, please don't take it as discouragement. I'm sure I'd have a higher number if I was voting at a later chapter date. Right now I think that is where the story is. For me it's the story premise you have going but the way the story has gone so far. You start out in late teen years, over 16 at least and then jump into flashbacks. In the first 2 chapters you've yet to get to the 'problem' that you have Derek fretting over in the beginning. It's important to get background on the boys and the world around them but in some ways I think the drawn out flashback disconnects the reader from where you want the story to go in the 'present' time. Also, in the first chapter I think Derek's self-absorption is a bit much however you tone that down somewhat in chapter 2 which makes him a little less of a butt. The flow of the story within the scenes you have set out is really working. I love the way you have not only described Charlie as shy but given instances to show it, very important. The lunch room scene was well done, I like the give and take of the character interactions between the many other students at the table and Chalie and Derek. Then you have the by-play between just the 2 boys and Derek's complete obliviousness. That was pretty well written to keep it to the characters age and their mental maturity at that level. I do think that Derek's little speech about looking for something other than surface beauty is a good one but not something I would really expect from someone his age, advanced maturity/perfection or not but other than that you kept them in character quite well. So you also set up a posting schedule. 2 weeks per chapter is a good goal. I will keep my calendar marked for the next installment of Charlie!

I absolutely loved Ch. 12. Zeek standing up to his mom after Jake had a go at it was a great ending to the last chapter. I think those shocks coupled with the sudden slap in the face realization that she was causing real lasting harm to the boys by denying them each other when Jake ran off to think finally made her snap to. Good thing, she deserved a good smacking. The situation the boys found themselves in with the bullying and the personal issues between them did have consequences and they deserved to be reminded of that but she was taking it like they were a personal attack and affront on her. I'm glad you pu that she will stay in therapy though. The costume scene was cute but the ending of the chapter was amazing. The sudden call about a donor, the possibility that Zeek could get his sight back is just excitement inducing. I want to know what happens so much! A long delay on the writing of the next chapter might get you lynched you know There are so many questions. Will his sight be functional? How will it affect his personality and the way he interacts with others since he has been blind through so much of his later teen years, very formative ones. How will it affect his relationship with Jake? How will Jake react to no longer having Zeek blind and needing him in such an extreme way? Gah, I can't wait to learn more! Great chapter Owl.

Someone gave me some of her books, 5 of the Blood series but I haven't read them yet. Maybe they shall be my next 'I'm bored' day project.

Owl, Jian, Kev, Thank you so much for reading my anthology and taking the time to let me know your thoughts and how you felt about it. I always enjoy reading reviews and responses and the encouragement I got from all of you was great. Thanks! Rilbur and Dolores, You both made comments as to the fact that I only skimmed the available material in this story. I agree. I could have given so much more detail into the world, the differences between light and dark and the associated social taboos regarding their mingling. However, I wanted it vague because I wanted the light and dark to be as undetailed and ambiguous as possible to allow for reader interpretation. The light and dark aspects of the main character and Eren are not really mystical as in magic more than it is just who they are inside. The blending was more that the contact with one simply brought out those aspects in each other, the darkness in one was brought more to the fore and the light in another shone more strongly. It was meant to illustrate that they are all truly a blending of light and dark already, just more of one than the other. Their mingling, rather than damaging each other only emphasized that and made them better.

Only if he wants Cam to hurt him in valuable bits of his anatomy! :2hands:

No, I do know what scenes you mean and I can understand the problem. I have been fighting with this because in so many ways it's hard to stick to just one because we need all the picture but I hate the switching pov back and forth per chapter, going over the same material writing style. Tell you what, this story is winding down on my part but I will check the chapters I've yet to post and the ones I've yet to write to try and eliminate those issues. As the writer I have these guys and the story in my head so it's not confusing for me so someone letting me know that it isn't quite as clear and understandable for the reader is helpful. Thank you for the compliment. I happen to think that keeping someone up when they desperately need sleep is one of the signs of a great story. Unfortunately/Fortunately I have had that happen to me time and time again, both in actual books and online stories. I too cursed the writer a bit the next day when I had to prop my eyes open with toothpicks The coffee pot even got used a time or two. I actually happen to like hating viilians but I always want them to be 'good' ones, if that makes any sense. Alan Kendricks, Dane's dad, is so much more than a villian to me. He's a character, he has feelings, needs, wants and thoughts that need to be shared. I think what makes the villian laughable in so many stories is that we see their violent or damaging actions and how they affect the main character. Then often we get the justification in some sort of monologue or 'let's redeem the bad guy' scene but that's it. They are their actions and the reaction those cause, not a real character. I want to show snapshots of Dane's dad, through both his own eyes and through Dane's. We get his actions and their affect on Dane and the others around him but we also get to see him, why he does or feels those things and how that affects him. I want a full fleshed 3D character, not a figurehead for the reader to hate without reason. Now... time for the flaming! Tad? Tad? Who is Tad? I thought I was quite clever in making him Tap, backward Pat, short for Patrick, as he is a Junior of his father but I didn't want to make the names too similar. You loved the story but used the wrong name? I just might have to hurt you!! lol, jk. I too mess up names from time to time. Honestly, I really appreciate the compliments and the feedback and the time it took for you to both read the story and let me know what you thought. Hugs!!

I'm always asking myself, if this was me as the character what would I be seeing, smelling, tasting, hearing or feeling? I try to incorporate at least one of those, if not more, into the scenes that I know impact the story and along the way. A person doesn't walk through life in a bubble, why should the characters of a story?

He's poking fun it seems like and calling me out at the same time. Nice one aaronwriter.

LMAO

I think his character was an ass in not talking about 'them' and what he wanted though. I mean, if you want something you have to communicate that. You can't just assume someone else is on the same page you are in a relationship, and whatever they had in their eyes that differed, it was still some form of a relationship.

LOL. I have no opinion on this as I've avoided the little pop icon completely but I had to respond because you guy's comments made me laugh. Oh, the funny things we talk about.

Hi Aaronwriter! A good place to start looking to understand the ins and outs of the site is the site rules page here. Sex, sometimes graphic sex, isn't going to get a story banned unless it between adults and minors, usually signifigantly minor teenagers. Also, as Nephy said, if a story is solely about the sex involved and does not have a plot beyond that it is typically something that isn't well accepted. Other than that it is pretty wide open. There are a wide variety of genres and options available to mark your stories with when you get ready to post in e-fiction. Technically if you created a profile in there, I recommend you use the same name as you use on the forums page btw, you do not need permission from Joe, or Jsmith, to post. Anyone can. You can also create a topic in the e-fiction discussion forum for your story as well. What you need author status for is to post a topic with a story announcement in the e-fiction announcement forum to let everyone know you have updated a chapter. Be prepared to not have your stories immediately post in e-fiction when you have uploaded them as well. New authors are put in a validation queue to prevent plagarism and such, something that has occured in the past. A moderator will validate your story before it can appear. For future reference, the List of Who to Contact and the previously linked site rules page are both in the Administration Communication forum. GA has a very well developed Writers Corner and a pretty good group of people who can help a writer along with reviews, critiques and opinions if you care to search them out. Many people both write and operate as editors or beta readers. I've found this to be a great site to learn and grow as a writer as everyone is very accepting. I hope you continue to explore the site and enjoy the community you find here at GA. If you have any questions please feel free to send me a pm as I am a forum moderator for the site. I remember how overwhelming this place can be for a newbie Cia

I have to agree on the quality of life assessment that Capt'n brings up. It is even less a question of his cognitive ability, that didn't decrease according to his mother, it actually increased a bit. He 'became' a man, realizing that he loved Jamie but his inability to truly grasp at that and understand and be able to act on it was affecting him. Quite firmly, their love for each other was ruining their lives and that was the true problem. It wasn't the love itself, which isn't wrong, it was that the inability to express it to each other would have torn both of them apart. Honestly, you don't describe the surgery at all, just that they were doing it and it affected his brain. Did they take something out? Did they add something in? Did they simply repair the damage somehow so that he was able to reach those parts of his mind that the lack of oxygen starved off contact to? Did they increase those areas so that the increasted mental acumen was artificial or did it just let him finally use that part of him that had been hidden? Does any of that matter considering the results? I've taken care of people who were considered 'mentally handicapped' and I have to agree with Jamie, in some respects they are perfect the way they are. But because of how our society works they aren't really 'whole' in the ways one is expected to be. If they can have that, if it's possible, why wouldn't their loved ones want that for them? The true problem lies in the cases where they couldn't tell you what they want. It's hard to make those kinds of choices for another person and live with the consequences. Marc's parents had to make that choice and they did but not without a lot of thought and agony over the decision. I'm glad it worked out in the story, that there was a happy ending because it so easily could have gone another way, especially in a story from you Nephy Oh, btw, could it have hurt you to throw in some bit about where Alex, the best friend comes from? Couldn't he have been from one of those 4 spaceship building producers so that I knew Jamie got all the things he always wanted? I'm going to imagine he was, just cause that makes me happy

I can understand the name thing a bit, a lot of fantasy writers do similar styles, somewhat familiar names mixed with the fantastical but those are also often human/creature (elves, dwarves, etc...) groupings. I wasn't saying it detracted from the story, simply that it was an odd enough difference considering the small cast of named characters that I wanted to see if you had a reason behind it. As for the lack of surprise in this story, no, I didn't detract from the impact at all. I knew something bad was going to happen but when faced with Barh's sadness and guilt over the people who died 'needlessly' because he simply could not bear to leave Jackson, to cause him the pain their separation would bring I choked up (not something I usually admit willingly btw) because it was so real. You wrote the scene with such immediacy that I couldn't help but be immersed in their situation and roles. It didn't need to have a twist or surprise me like a person expects from a good mystery or drama tale to make the story spectacular, it was there all on it's own.

Thank you CJ! Honestly I could have gone into a big long description of the world and the society and the way the 2 groups of the same people are kept apart but I figured I'd highlight the differences and the social stigma as it stood and leave it at that. I like it when I can relate to a story personally and I think leaving the societal conflict vague allowed for more people to do that. LOL Phana and Benji! I think your differing takes on who the character is was exactly my dilemma when I sat down to write this. I don't really get the characters talking to me in my head like some writers say they do but in this one I just couldn't write the MC any other way. They had no name, no real identifying characteristics, it was all up in the air. Rather than forcing the issue in my mind I let the story flow. I left it as it was because I like stories where the descriptions of the characters aren't really handed out like a dossier anway so I figured I'd run with it and let the reader decided. I'm glad it worked for both of you. Again, thanks to everyone for commenting! No one else reads my work and it means the world to me when people whose opinions I respect so much take the time to really give me their thoughts and insight to the stories I work so hard on.

Well we all know he is I remember when people didn't comment on a past anthology, I thought I was going to have to cut him a wheel of cheese the size of a semi-truck tire just to go with his whine Truthfully I know I am the same way though. No one other than the people on this site really read what I write and there are so many people on here whose skill and style I admire that I love to hear back from. Not that Lugh ever really comments so he must not be one of those.

I'm with your friend, stories that don't tie up and resolve themselves drive me nutty! That being said I'm glad I read this anyway because I truly liked the characters you brought into life with this little bit of fiction. Hey and he are the steretypical teens in so many ways yet we get to see beyond that. Thanks for the great story!

Okay you suck!!! You are telling us we have to wait 3 months minimum to find out what his choice was specifically? We know he's doing the right thing but Robert doesn't necessarily get to live, no matter what he does. You have all the mystery of the crime, why the policewoman is so personally involved as to be that virulent toward a stranger who might know something, who 'they' are, if Robert knows something... sooo much I want to know. I don't think I like you making me wait this long for a story this good. Can I bribe you give me a sneak peek? Chocolate, shirtless guys or girls, the threat of a good swift kick in the butt or online stalker routine?? Grrr...

You had a lot of symbolism and emotion in this story and boy was it short! The reasoning behind the character's plight became obvious to me when he was worrying about how Jeremy would feel but that took nothing away from the impact the letter and the end of the story brought. The only quibble I had with this story was that in the second paragraph you say the tears trickled down his cheeks when it should have been my cheeks in first person. I think first person present tense is hard to work with but you did it very well. It adds to the immediacy of the piece and brings the reader in more intimately with the character, vital in a short story. Thanks for the interesting read!

I'm still with my first love. I met him just after I turned 16 and I'm still with him, celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary in 2 days actually. Sap story isn't it? To be truthful, it was never a leap for me. We just... fit. We moved very quickly, or at least as quickly as we could with me still a minor and in high school. In a year and a half we were living together and in 3 years we were married. I think that it didn't seem like a risk to me because I was so young. Teenagers naturally don't view things as adults tend to, they are more leap and then look. Perhaps your situation calls for a little bit of that. What is the worst case scenario if you do move forward or don't? Can you live with either of them or neither of them?

You know my msn if you need to vent and clear your head. Hopelessness breeds helplessness. You are having a bad moment but you are trying which means that you haven't given up yet. Keep trying honey!

Wow. This story was so sad in the middle. I will admit it now that I cried but it was just so heartbreaking. Self-sacrifice is something that people think is the ultimate price to pay but if you truly love someone the fear is not leaving them for your sake, but for theirs. I wasn't surprised with the story, even in the beginning I knew that something was going to happen to Barh because of how he phrased his joke about Jackson flying, as if he was looking back over all the times they flew together. You only look back when you don't want to face forward. The dragon being Barh wasn't a surprise either, his 'voice', his color difference, blue, like Barh's eyes and the way Chenoth had said, "You have earned this small boon and more," tipped me off. In some ways the bittersweet reunion of the pair, one irrevocably changed in body, reminded me of the life people are faced when they have a loved one who becomes an invalid, like a quadraplegic. You are still together in mind, somewhat in body, you can touch them and sometimes be touched in return but it's not the same. If the alternative is nothing, is that not enough? For some it is, some it is not. I think that Jackson and Barh would make it enough, though the end was still bittersweet. I did have a question though. All the names were so exotic sounding, Chenoth, the Degari, Barhingolis... but then Jackson? That seemed almost out of place, a bit of modern thrown in with the fantastical. How did you come up with the names and why did you add one so different from the rest?

Well I got what I expected from you Mark, sex in a story. But using second person was interesting, almost as if we are getting to listen to the voice in the main character's head. That gave this short story an intimate feel very quickly. Army man was an dual character, a mix of alpha male and young man. I got the sense that the main character was older from certain lines such as, You think that

This was a great story. You brought Wendy to life. I liked the image you presented of Claire. The way the relationship developed between the two characters was a slow unfolding, one of thought and care. Wendy is concerned that Claire would think she is rushing into a passionate relationship like in the past but just by thinking that way and realizing the situation needs care to preserve their friendship in the midst of a possible relationship proves that she isn't rushing into things. Oh, and the kiss? You don't go into the detail that some do, giving a play by play, you did so much better. That was hot!!

I like your story Kev. You wrote what you know, you introduced good characters and your writing style was easy to read. There were some parts that were phrased a little oddly but I take that as a difference in writing in a language that isn't your first. This oddly enough paralleled a conversation I was having with someone about a relationship. What it comes down to is that Phil is an ass and Cliff deserves better. Time for him to find someone to make him happy!