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9.11 - 72. Chapter 72
November 7, 2001
Escorial
I drove up the drive slowly, appreciating this beautiful property, this spot that I’d grown to love so much. I was surprised to see Matt’s GMC parked out back at this time of day, and even more surprised to see him loading things into it. He and I hadn’t talked at all since Sunday. It was actually pretty easy to do, since we were both pretty busy, but this avoidance seemed to be conscious on both our parts.
I hopped out of my car and walked up to him. “Hey there. What are you doing?”
“What business is it of yours?” he snapped.
“Seriously?” I asked acidly. “I don’t have enough status in your life to ask you what you’re doing, when it looks like you’re packing?”
That checked his attitude a bit, and he responded in a normal tone. “I just need some space, so I’m moving on campus.”
“Can I ask where you’re moving?” I was still pissed, but I was trying to be nicer.
“On campus,” he repeated in a nasty way, dodging my question. I didn’t get this. I figured he’d at least be pleasant. I just shook my head and walked away. “Wade!” he called, but I ignored him.
I wandered by JP’s office and noticed that he was in there, so I went in. “Good afternoon,” he said when he saw me.
“Is it?” I asked. “I noticed Matt’s moving out.”
“He informed me of his intention to do so approximately one hour ago,” he said.
“Was there some conflict that caused this?” I wanted to ask if he’d gotten into a fight with Will, but I opted for a more generic approach.
“While that is certainly a possibility, I am not aware of anything, and I generally hear about those incidents.”
“Generally,” I said, teasing him.
“He did not discuss it with you?” JP asked, and then seemed nervous, as if he were probing when he should not.
“Nope. I found out when I drove up and saw him loading the GMC.”
“That is unfortunate,” he said. “So are you two still a couple?”
“Well, there has been no formal break up, but he seems to think I’m asking too much when I want to know where he’s living, so I’d say that I’m a single man.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, but it was actually a question.
“I’m not,” I said. “I’m tired of the fighting and the tension. I’m not getting anything out of this relationship. It’s just a drain on me. So now I don’t have to worry about it.”
I think he was surprised by my sincerity, but not as surprised as I was. Was it really this easy for me to end things with Matt? And if it was, what did that say about our relationship? Had it all been just a big sham? “I’m glad this is something you’re not unhappy with,” he said. I actually laughed at his non-committal comment, and that got me a smile. “I know you are aware of this, but if there’s anything I can do for you, you have but to ask.”
“I know that,” I said, smiling. “That’s why I stopped by here first.”
I went back to my room and stood in front of my dresser, looking at myself in the mirror, and my eyes wandered down to my hands. I took the ring off my left ring finger, the ring Matt had given me when we’d promised to be partners, and put it in the drawer where I kept my jewelry. I allowed myself to shed a tear or two, and then I wiped my eyes dry and promised that I wouldn’t let him see me cry. There was a knock on my door. “Come in,” I said.
Matt came in, looking sheepish. “I’m sorry I was a dick to you.”
“I’m used to it,” I said, my bitchiness betraying that this was bothering me more than I admitted. “If this makes you happy, then go for it.”
His eyes migrated toward my hand. “You took off your ring.”
“When you move out and don’t say shit about it, and then you won’t even tell me where you’re living, then I think it’s pretty obvious we’re not partners. We’re not even a couple anymore. It’s not pretty enough just to wear as jewelry.”
“I always thought they were really pretty,” he said sadly, referring to the rings.
“They were pretty when they meant something,” I said. I opened the drawer and pulled my ring out and handed it to him. “Here. You can give this to the next guy you decide to lie to.”
“I didn’t lie to you,” he said.
“Matt, I don’t have the energy to argue with you about that. It would take too long, and you wouldn’t hear a word I said anyway. So just go, walk out that door, and out of my life. We’ll both be happier.”
“That’s not what I want,” he objected.
“What do you want?”
“I don’t know,” he said, and I felt sorry for him. He really was confused, and floundering, and if he wasn’t being such a dick to me, I probably would have at least tried to help him.
“Well when you figure it out, send me an e-mail,” I said dismissively. He showed no signs of leaving, so I did. I pushed past him and walked out the door, down the hall, out to the garage, and got back into my car. I went down the drive at a much faster pace than normal, and went for a drive in the hills around Woodside, venting my mood on the road.
I finally headed back to Palo Alto, conflicted about what to do next. There was a GLBT event tonight, and I could go to that. I was in the mood to party, and to be sociable, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to hang out with that crowd. The irony was that even though I was the former president of the club, it was more Matt’s venue than mine. Lately he’d spent more time hanging around with the gay guys on campus, while I’d spent most of my time hanging out with the straight crowd. I called Klip.
“Dude, I’m taken tonight,” he joked as he answered the phone.
“Oh yeah? Who’s taken you?” He’d broken up with Shannon, so now he was living the single life big time. Kind of like Matt, I thought ruefully.
“There’s a party at the DG house. No way can’t I bang a sister tonight,” he said. I laughed.
“I don’t want your dick, I’m just looking for a party,” I said.
“Then I can help you out,” he said. “Come by and we can walk over together.”
“You got it,” I said. I drove over to the dorms and amazingly enough, I got a decent parking place. Matt’s GMC was three cars down from me, and as I held my keys in my hand, I had to repress the desire to scrape them along the side. I chided myself for thinking like Will, and that made me chuckle, and shook me out of the melancholy mood that kept trying to envelop me.
I went up to Klip’s room and found him and Gathan getting ready for the party. “Wade!” Gathan shouted, and gave me a big hug.
“You’re like a fucking freshman,” I said, giving him shit. “You’re already drunk.”
“Just a little bit,” he slurred, cracking us up. We left their room and walked over to the DG house, laughing at what an ass Gathan was being. I was having a blast, really enjoying myself, when I saw Matt and Tony walking toward the building where the GLBT meeting was going on. I hid the anger that threatened to consume me; anger that after all the shit that had happened, Matt would still be hanging out with Tony. If Will were here, he’d absolutely lose it. “That’s Matt!” Gathan said loudly, attracting their attention.
“Shut the fuck up,” I said, but I was too late. We waved at them, but stayed far enough away from them so we avoided an actual conversation.
“How come he’s going there and you’re going here?” Gathan asked.
“Because his legs are walking north, and my legs are walking south,” I said, being a smart ass.
Klip chuckled, then looked at me and got a concerned expression on his face. He took my left hand and held it briefly in his. “Where’s your ring?”
“You guys are like the fucking Spanish Inquisition,” I said.
“Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition,” Gathan said, in a bad English accent. That was too funny. We laughed about that, and that seemed to leave the unpleasant subject of Matt and me in the dust.
Or so I thought. “I heard Matt moved onto campus,” Klip said.
“That’s what I heard too,” I said, as if I weren’t more interested in what Matt did than someone in the gossip chain.
“Well, since we’re here in this premier academic institution, let’s put all the facts together and draw a conclusion,” Klip said, mimicking our boring-as-fuck statistics prof. “You’re not wearing your ring, Matt’s moved back to campus, and you’re going to different parties. I’d say you’re a single man.”
“Glad to know all those tuition dollars didn’t go to waste,” I quipped.
“Dude, are you OK?” Gathan asked me plaintively, but that was emphasized by his drunkenness.
“I’m totally fine,” I said firmly.
“You hear who Matt’s rooming with?” Klip asked.
I shook my head. “No. I assumed he got a single. He’s a senior.” Single dorm rooms were more expensive, but that usually didn’t deter people from getting them. They were a hot item, and upper classmen got first pick.
“Rooms were assigned a long time ago,” Klip said. “You move in now, you take what they can give you.”
“Maybe he scored one anyway,” I said.
“Nope, he’s sharing a double,” Gathan said. We stopped walking and stared at him.
“With who?” Klip asked, the question I wanted to ask too.
“That guy,” he said, pointing down the street, to where we could just barely make out Tony and Matt heading toward the meeting.
“With Tony?” I asked, unable to hide my shock.
“Yeah. Tony’s roommate bombed out, so Matt moved in with him,” Gathan said. “They know each other, right? I mean, I’ve seen Tony up at Escorial.” Gathan actually looked a little uncomfortable when he said that. Did he hook up with Tony too? Was there anyone at Escorial who hadn’t fucked Tony besides me? I forced myself to calm down, which wasn’t easy.
“They know each other,” I said. I felt fury pulsing through my veins, and I was trying to decide why Matt moving in with Tony bothered me. And like everything that had to do with Matt these days, it was just too convoluted for me to try and figure out. We had broken up, we weren’t together, so what he did didn’t concern me anymore. There was no reason to let his deal with Tony ruin my evening. I forced my mood back into positive turf. “Let’s party.”
“Party!” Gathan howled, cracking us up. We got to the DG house, and I had a blast. I decided to turn my anguish over Matt into something fun. Every time I thought about him, I took a drink, my own personal drinking game. I guess it said something about my feelings for him that I was totally hammered.
Gathan was making the moves on some DG girl, and he vanished. Klip wasn’t around either. It was one of those things that happen when you’re drunk at a party, and you realize all your friends have moved on. I’d gone from having a great time, surrounded by people I knew, to feeling pretty alone, even though there were a lot of people around. I staggered outside and found a bench to sit on, then called Escorial and asked them to send a car down for me.
“There you are,” Klip said, and sat next to me. “I was looking for you.”
“Dude, you are so busy in there, you weren’t looking for me,” I joked. He’d had damn near every DG hanging all over him.
“Well yeah, actually I was,” he said. The limo drove up and stopped, and Pedro got out and opened the door. “Want to give me a ride home?”
I smiled. “Yeah.” We hopped in, and I was so drunk, Klip had to talk to Pedro, and tell him to drive around. And then, just like we had last time, I blew Klip for a while, and then he fucked me. God, he was sexy, and so much fun.
When we were done, I cleaned us up pretty fast, sensing that it would bother him to hang around with my cum all over us, and a nasty condom sitting there. “You know, I never really wanted to do that with another dude, and after last time, I told myself it was just a one-time thing.” He shocked me by leaning in and kissing me, then shocked me even more by what he said: “But I liked it a lot. Too bad you don’t have your own place.”
“If I did, would you come over and visit?” I asked, flirting like a whore and cracking both of us up.
He kissed me again. “I would.”
“When?”
“Tomorrow night,” he said.
“You got a date,” I said. Pedro dropped him off, and then took me home, and I was on cloud nine. I didn’t need a boyfriend, I just needed a hot guy who would appreciate me, and Klip definitely fit the bill.
November 8, 2001
Stanford
I sat in one of the cafeterias alone, eating lunch and studying for a test I had that afternoon. I was usually overly prepared for exams, but I’d gone to that party on Wednesday, and that had thrown my whole schedule off. I sensed a presence near me and glanced up briefly to see Matt and Tony walk over to a table with some of the other GLBT club members. I made sure to just glance over there so they didn’t see me looking at them.
I tried to focus on my notes, but that wasn’t happening, I was too interested in the dynamic at Matt’s table. He was laughing and having a good time, flirting with all the guys. He sure as fuck wasn’t upset about us breaking up. I moved beyond that, beyond my instinct to become self-absorbed about this and get all pissed off that he wasn’t moping around, and watched the interplay. He may be living with Tony, and it was obvious to me that they were still fucking, but they weren’t exclusive. I shrugged internally at him. I guess Matt was totally incapable of growing up, and of being with just one person. A guy like Tony, who was newly out, would be an ideal guy for him to have around. Someone who would fuck him, but wouldn’t want any commitments or obligations. I fought back the jealousy that sparked, and had to really struggle as I thought about how they both probably brought guys home and fucked them together. This was not a good environment for me. I needed to get out of here. Graduation couldn’t come soon enough to end this nightmare.
I forced my mind to refocus on the notes in front of me, and was so successful I was surprised when a chair scraped on the floor next to me, and then groaned as someone fell into it. I looked up to see Matt sitting at the table with me. “I thought I’d say hi,” he said.
I stared at him, saying nothing, and making him feel incredibly uncomfortable. “Now I understand why you didn’t tell me where you were living.”
He sighed. “He and I are at the same place right now, both of us struggling to figure shit out. We’re friends.”
“Friends?” I asked sarcastically.
“I didn’t come over here so you could bust my balls,” he snapped. “I was just trying to be nice.”
“I wonder how everyone at Escorial will react to the news that not only did you fuck Tony, and not only are you continuing to fuck Tony, you decided to move in with him?” I asked acidly.
“I suppose you’re going to tell them,” he said snidely.
“Tonight, at dinner,” I said.
“Guess I won’t be going back there,” he said, like it didn’t matter to him.
“Guess not,” I confirmed, like it didn’t matter to me either. It did matter to me, but in a positive way. It would be good to know it was a safe haven and that I didn’t have to worry about running into him.
“Thanks a lot, Wade,” he said rudely and stood up.
“My pleasure,” I said sarcastically. He stormed off, and I focused on my notes, or tried to. I wanted to feel good about making him feel like shit, but I couldn’t. I wanted to feel good about where we both were, but I didn’t.
I headed to class and took my test, and I was pretty positive about it, but academic success just wasn’t the rush it used to be. I felt pretty apathetic about it, and about almost everything. The sooner I was out of here, the better, especially since, with this attitude, I may end up blowing my GPA up if I had to endure too much more undergrad work.
I had a lot of things to do tonight, but most of the people at home were leaving for New York tomorrow. This was the last chance I’d have to see them for the weekend, so I made an effort to be at Escorial for dinner. I walked in and found a larger crowd than normal for a Thursday night. Claire and Jack were here, and so were Marie and John. There were the other usual attendees as well: Will, JP, Stef, Frank, and Isidore.
“Hey there!” Will said enthusiastically, and made me sit next to him.
We sat down and started eating. “Is Matt not joining us?” Claire asked. Evidently no one had told her what was going on.
“Matt decided to move to campus,” I said flatly, working to keep the emotion out of my voice. I was getting really tired of having to explain that, and to explain that we’d broken up.
“You’re not wearing your ring,” Will said with alarm in his voice.
“I’m a single guy now,” I said, hoping that would suffice. There was silence at the table, as everyone digested that. I decided that I was lucky that Nana had decided to stay in Virginia. If she’d been here, this would have been a lot tougher, both for me and for Matt.
“He’s just trying to get his head together, and to get some space to do that,” Frank said, making excuses for Matt. That really pissed me off, to the point where I couldn’t hide my anger.
I looked at him, stared at him, making him uncomfortable. “Please do not insult me by trying to spin this. He’s being an ass. That’s the simple explanation.”
“I was hoping you’d give him a chance,” Frank persisted. I put down my fork and knife for emphasis as I responded.
“I found out that Matt was moving out when I came home yesterday and he was packing up the GMC. He didn’t talk to me about it, he didn’t tell me what he was thinking, he just decided to move out. If I wouldn’t have come home when I did, he would have just vanished without a word. When I asked him where he was moving, he refused to tell me. We’ve been together for three years, and he thought me asking him where he was going to live was a ridiculous question on my part. He was rude, and he was obnoxious. He was an ass,” I said to Frank, and that effectively shut him up.
“He did not tell you where he was living?” Stef asked, expressing the shock that everyone felt.
“He did not,” I confirmed. I hadn’t been sure that I was really going to tell everyone at dinner that he was living with Tony, but now I was backed into a corner. I felt like I needed to lay it out there, let the situation blow up, and then be done with it. “But we know a lot of the same people, so I was able to find out.”
“And where did he move?” Jack asked.
I put my hand on Will’s thigh to steady him. “He moved in with Tony.” As I said that, I was looking at Frank. If he’d made himself Matt’s big defender, he was going to have to answer for his actions. There wasn’t a person at the table who wasn’t stunned by that announcement. But as soon as it was out, I refocused my attention on Will.
I could feel the anger surge in him, pulsing through my hand, and when I looked at him, he was just about to explode. I tried to convey a sense of calmness to him, a sense of understanding, but he was too far gone. “So much for being calm about this. So much for worrying about family harmony,” he said, his voice getting louder quickly. He turned on everyone, but his eyes really zeroed in on JP. “I was supposed to just put up with his bullshit, and ignore it. I was supposed to pretend that it was just fine that he slept with a guy I was into, who was a good friend, and one of my key supports. Not that I needed any support or anything. This has been such an easy time for me. A breeze. A cakewalk. Who needs friends around when three-fourths of your parents are wiped out? People deal with that all the time. I was being selfish and unreasonable.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, but he didn’t hear me.
“Be nice, keep things harmonious. That was the plan that you all approved and rammed down my throat! And what does Matt do? He spits in my face by moving in with Tony.”
“You don’t even like Tony,” John said, trying desperately to calm Will down before he completely lost it.
“That’s not the point,” he snapped at John, and then turned back to JP. “I suppose that after all this, I’m still supposed to roll out the goddamn red carpet for him when he comes to visit? Heaven forbid I should actually tell him how I feel, because I may hurt his precious feelings.”
JP looked at him evenly. “I think the way you handled yourself in that situation was admirable.” That had a very calming effect on Will, but as mad as he was, that wasn’t saying much.
Will zeroed in on Frank. “You want to give me crap about being nice to him? You want to make excuses for him now? You want to sit there and tell me how to live my life, and how to deal with Zach, while you ignore what an absolute and complete scumball Matt is?”
“I’m not happy about this either,” Frank snapped.
“You people keep doing this,” Will said. “You set up these standards that I’m supposed to follow, all this crap I’m supposed to put up with, when none of you, not one of you, would be willing to tolerate it.” He looked around the table, glaring at everyone, demanding a response, but got nothing. “I am sick and tired of always having to suck it up for the good of the family, only to turn around and be treated like shit.”
“We aren’t doing that,” JP said firmly, even though he was very embattled.
“No?” Will challenged. “What happens to Matt when he comes up here to visit Frank?” Frank was reeling too, everyone was, but there didn’t seem to be anyone who could calm Will down. Until Claire spoke up.
“Will, I recognize you are upset, and I think you have every right to be, but you are demanding answers to questions I haven’t even thought about yet,” she said. Her tone was soft and elegant, and conveyed a very maternal and supportive attitude. It stopped Will dead in his tracks. He sat there, looking down at his plate, trying to digest this.
“I’m sorry,” he said, and then the tears came. He got up to leave, but I stopped him.
“It’s OK,” I said soothingly. He broke down then, sobbing, and gripped me tightly, so much that it was almost painful.
He finally pulled himself together. “I’m really sorry,” he said to everyone. “I thought I had that beat.”
“What?” John asked.
“These rages. I get really mad and just lose it,” he said.
“You’ve always done that,” Marie said. Will gave her a dirty look, but we were all snickering, trying not to laugh, and eventually even Will saw the humor in it.
“It’s worse that normal,” he finally said.
“Well, I think that if everyone is ready and willing to forgive Matt for his transgressions, the least we can do is forgive you,” I said, being slightly snarky. “And for the record, neither one of them is worth getting mad about.”
“So you’ve completely written Matt off?” Frank asked me, as if I were the callous one.
“Duh,” I said to him, a word I never uttered, and one so out of character it got some snickers from Marie, John, and Will. “The way he’s treated me is enough to do that, hands down. But tack on what he’s done to Will, and I’ve ended the chapter and closed the book.”
“So have I,” Will confirmed. No one else said anything; they were too busy pondering the situation, and all that had happened.
I turned to face Stef and Will. “I have a hot date tonight, so I have to run. Have a great trip to New Jersey.”
“Thanks,” Will said. “It’s going to be awesome.”
“Maybe I’ll go with you,” Frank said, referring to the jaunt to New Jersey.
Will looked at him. “I realize that I have no real say in this, but I’d prefer it if you’d go next weekend. I’d like to have one more weekend with Zach before you try and sabotage that relationship.”
“I am not trying to sabotage your relationship with Zach,” Frank insisted.
“I’m sorry. Wally and Clara are the ones trying to do that, not you,” Will said, implying that Frank was in league with them. “Do what you want to do.”
“I’ll go next weekend,” he grumbled, probably realizing that with all the shit that had happened with Matt, it wouldn’t be a fun flight for him.
“Thank you,” Will said. I smiled at them, a fake smile, and got up to leave.
“Will Brad be back next week?” I asked.
“That is his plan,” Stef said. “Why did you ask?”
“I’ll have to see if he has a free night to do dinner,” I said. I walked out the door, smiling, knowing that would get back to Matt, and that would set him free. Some slight payback for the shit he’d pulled on Will.
I went back to my room to finish getting ready. I wasn’t surprised to hear a knock at my door, and I was even less surprised to find that it was Will. “Hey,” I said, and opened the door to let him in. He was still a mess, so I gave him a hug, a very meaningful one. “I’m sorry I sprung that on you at dinner. I didn’t really want to talk about it at all, but when it came up, I decided to just get it all out there.”
“It’s not your fault,” he said. “I guess, now that it’s come down to this, it really doesn’t matter. I’ve already written Tony off, so now I’ll just take Matt completely off the list.”
I sighed, and sat down with him. “Look, this is tough for me, because it puts me in the position of trying to defend Matt, and I’m a little pissed off at him.” He smiled at me. “We’re all dealing with this shit, with the 9-11 attacks, in different ways. My way was to reach out to Matt, to use him to prop me up. Maybe that was too much pressure for him. But regardless, his way was different. His way was to push everyone he cared about away. He’s severed his ties now with pretty much all the people around him who were important to him, except maybe his parents back in Ohio.”
“So that makes what he did alright?” Will challenged.
“No, it doesn’t. It’s not an excuse, it’s an explanation. It’s like when a plane crashes. Knowing why won’t fix the plane, or bring the people who died back to life, but it is important. Matt has crashed and burned, and while I’m really pissed at him for how he treated me, and how he treated you, it makes me feel a little better to know why.”
He nodded and got up. “I’ve got other shit to worry about. He can do what he wants.”
I smiled. “That’s my feeling on it, exactly.”
He walked out of my room, and with that, I put all their issues and drama behind me and drove to the Stanford Terrace Inn, the same place I’d met with Trevor and the bankers when I’d taken control of my trust. “May I help you?” the lady at the front desk asked.
“I’d like a room,” I said. She looked at me dubiously, probably because she was used to college students booking rooms for parties.
“For how long?” she asked.
“Until November 21,” I said.
“Let me see what we have,” she said. She went into the back and came back with a man who looked relatively severe. Clearly he was the manager.
“You were looking for a room?” he asked.
“The best suite you have,” I said. I handed them my American Express Platinum card, and that definitely got their attention. When they saw my name that changed their whole attitude.
“Certainly, Mr. Danfield,” the manager said. “We were just confused, since you didn’t have a reservation.”
“I’m sorry about that,” I said, even though I wasn’t. “I just wanted a quiet place to do some studying. The quarter is getting pretty hectic.”
“Of course,” he said. They gave me one of their better suites, and charged me out the ass for it, but I didn’t give a shit.
I went to the room and called Klip to give him the room number, then waited for him to show up. He knocked on the door about half an hour later, and walked in, grinning. “Nice digs.”
“Yep,” I said, and then I shut him up with a kiss. For the next three hours, he took me on an amazing ride, and then we cleaned up and left. “See you tomorrow?”
“Same time,” he confirmed, and winked at me.
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