9.11 - 51. Chapter 51

September 28, 2001

Hollywood, CA

John and I walked around the dining hall at the Mission, pretending to look at the displays showing pictures of Robbie. I tried not to notice them, because they just made me sadder, but I pretended I was gazing at them intently. It was really nice of John to hang out with me. I’d expected him to hang out with Will more than me, but I appreciated it. Ryan was focused on Shiloh, like he always was, and in some weird, twisted coincidence, Alistair had decided to hang out with Trevor Morgan. Trevor was such a little bitch. He was one of those dudes who were all full of themselves because he was in movies as a fucking extra. I’d just finished enduring that memorial ceremony for Robbie, and while it was really well done, it was really intense, and I was so not in the mood to deal with Trevor. But Alistair saw us and led Trevor over to us.

“Hey JJ,” Alistair said in his friendly way. He was a genuinely nice guy, although I was questioning his judgment in hanging out with Trevor.

“Thanks for coming,” I said, the same words I’d used over and over again, but this time they were sincere.

“Won any trophies lately?” Trevor asked, trying to bug me.

“Won’t see any of those for a while,” I said casually.

“Problems skating?” he asked, a blatant dig.

“No, I just moved up from the juniors, so that makes it tougher, and it means I have to work my way back up again,” I said casually, like it was no big deal, like getting good enough to compete at that level didn’t occupy most of my waking time.

“Sounds like that will be tough for you,” he said, almost with a sneer.

I nodded. “It will be the same thing that you’ll have to deal with, when you stop doing kiddie acting and try out the real thing.” It was so satisfying to see the anger flare in his eyes, anger that got even more pronounced as John snickered. Then I raised my eyebrow in a gesture that reminded him that my family could buy whatever studio he was working for and fire his ass. “Enjoy the hors d’oeuvres,” I said, and led John off.

“Dude, that was hilarious,” John said.

I shook my head. “Ever since Jurassic Park, he’s been the shit, in his own mind.”

“What you have to do is way tougher,” John said, saying about the nicest thing he could have said to me.

“Thanks,” I said, and blushed slightly as I looked down. I looked up to see him grinning at me. What a little hunk he was.

“Hey John,” I heard a deep voice say.

“Zach,” John said. It was pretty clear he didn’t want to see Zach Hayes, and was pretty annoyed that he was here.

“Nice suit,” I said to him in a snarky way. “Covers up your tattoos.”

“Not too tough,” he said, pretending that I hadn’t bugged him. “I only have one on my bicep. Well, and there’s another one, but I’ll have to show that to you when we’re not in public.” He winked at me when he said that, and even though I tried not to let it freak me out, it did. He gave me a smile that said he’d one-upped me, and sauntered off. It was hard not to admire how handsome he was, even if he was a dickhead.

“That dude is an asshole,” John growled.

“Wonder who took him shopping?” I asked.

“What do you mean?”

“That suit is probably Brooks Brothers,” I said. “I’d have figured him for Sears or JC Penney.” We both watched Zach walk away, admiring his clothes, and how well they looked on his perfect body.

“Your dad looks like he’s doing well,” John said, gesturing over to where he was talking to people.

“He’s not,” I said, shaking my head.

“How can you tell?”

“Two things,” I observed logically. “If you look at his eyes, you can see how sad he is.” We looked at him, and could see that his eyes glistened because they were watery, but behind that damp shield they looked dim, like a light bulb that was running out of juice.

“Yeah,” John acknowledged sadly. “I see what you mean.”

“The other thing is Will,” I told him. He looked at me questioningly. “Watch him.” John did, and ironically enough I found that him watching Will was making me not a little jealous. “He sticks to my dad like glue. Will’s been the dude that has kept Dad pretty much together during this thing. When he’s close like that, it means that Dad needs someone to watch over him.”

“I don’t get it,” John said, confused. “The way they fight…”

“It’s fucked up. But when they really need each other, they know the other one will be there for them,” I said to John. Just as I did, I looked up at a picture of Robbie, and the sadness overwhelmed me. I felt a tear falling down my cheek. “That’s what I lost.” I had this way of saying things I was sincere about, but having them come out sounding all bitchy, and I was worried that last statement was one of those times, but John put his arm around me in a really supportive gesture.

“You have other people who will do that for you,” he said, and wiped my tear away with his fingers. His touch was so soft, and so caring, it sent shockwaves through my whole body.

“Thanks,” I said, and let myself sink into him.

“Hey,” Darius said, interrupting our nice moment. His timing sucked. I’d remember this, and when he was macking on some hot chick, I’d totally bust his moves up. “Will said we need to get Dad out of here.”

“Fine,” I said. “Want to ride with us?” I asked John.

“I’ll go with my parents. I’ll see you at home,” he said. That pretty much destroyed whatever remnants of a decent mood I had. I didn’t say anything to anyone in the car until we were almost home. I’d spent my whole time thinking about the ceremony, and it really was well done, so I told Dad that. It was pretty cool to see how just that one nice comment seemed to spark some life in him.

I got back to the house and escaped to my room, anxious to avoid my family members who would all ask me how I was doing, which was even more annoying since I knew people had been doing that to them all night and it had bugged them, just like it bugged me. I was kind of hoping that John would come find me and hang out with me, and I waited there in my room for him to show up, pouting that he didn’t, until I pulled my head out of my ass enough to realize that he wouldn’t intrude like that. Then my mind flashed in the other direction, and I decided that was bullshit. If he gave a shit about me, he’d come check on me. He said he did when we were at the memorial. I managed to work myself up into a really bad mood, but then it vanished as quickly as it got there. I was a fucking emotional basket case. I tossed on some of the warm-up pants I wore when I was off the rink, along with a warm-up jacket, and went down to the kitchen to scour for some food. Rosa kept a shelf in the pantry stocked with all the healthy shit I normally ate, but I headed for the freezer to score some Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food.

“Hey,” John said pleasantly as he walked into the kitchen. “I was going to come check up on you but I didn’t want to bug you.”

“You wouldn’t have been bugging me,” I said, then got all embarrassed that I was sort of flirting with him. He snagged another pint of ice cream and we sat at the table, eating it out of the cartons.

Zach came sauntering in, wearing sweat pants and no shirt. He had an absolutely amazing body, a body not all that unlike Robbie’s, but it was younger, and fitter. “See, JJ,” he said, pointing to his bulging bicep. “Only one tattoo. That you can see.”

“Lovely,” I said sarcastically, even though the tattoo was pretty well done. It was a small dragon, with some pretty nice colors. It actually looked really sexy on him, but there was no way I was letting him know that.

“The other one’s nicer,” he said, giving me a slutty look. He reminded me of a sleazy version of Will.

“I’m sure,” I said like I didn’t care, which I didn’t. Even if he was hot.

“You crashing on the couch in the great room?” Zach asked John. I felt myself get really jealous at the thought of them sleeping in the same room, and then felt my body respond as I thought about the two of them together, only that just made the jealousy stronger. Was everyone as fucked up as I was, I wondered?

“I’ll find somewhere to sleep,” John said.

“Good luck with that,” Zach said. “This place is packed.”

“It is,” I agreed, but in a bitchy way that told him he should get the fuck away from me. It bugged me that it didn’t seem to work. He sat there and tortured us with his presence for about ten more minutes, then stood up.

“I’m gonna see if I can find somewhere to sleep that’s better than a couch,” he said in his cocky way.

“Good luck with that,” John said.

“Dude, a house full of gay dudes, and I look like this. You think I can’t score a bed? They all want me,” Zach said, being massively arrogant.

“We don’t,” John said, speaking for both of us. That was pretty cute.

“JJ does,” he said, and blew me a fake kiss as he strutted out of the room.

“I don’t,” I said to John.

“He’s just trying to piss you off,” John said. “Don’t let it work.”

“I’m pissed off most of the time anyway,” I said. “He’s just taking credit for it.”

John laughed. “You don’t seem pissed off.”

“You cheer me up,” I said, then felt myself blushing.

“Good,” he said pleasantly, then got all task-oriented. “I think I’ll go see if I can crash on Will’s couch.” The thought of John running off and sleeping with Will just about pushed me into a tailspin, and was horrible enough that I actually said something.

“You can crash with me,” I offered. I looked down, embarrassed as soon as I said it, worried that I’d look like a complete idiot.

“You sure?” he asked. I looked up and met his eyes and nodded. “You asking me to sleep with you, JJ?”

I felt myself really blushing then, so bad that I had to be bright red and that pissed me off. “Yeah,” I said, but in a really bitchy way.

He looked at me, confused, and kind of shook his head, as if he didn’t get me. “Awesome. Beats listening to Will snore.”

“Zach’s probably sleeping there anyway,” I said.

“I doubt it. Will hates his guts,” John said, and looked guilty.

“Dude, if Zach shows him his dragon, Will is probably going to forgive him,” I said, making both of us laugh.

“I don’t have a dragon to show you,” he said, acting all inadequate.

“I’ll bet you do,” I said, flirting, and shocking myself more than him with my statement. He laughed to cover up my embarrassment. I yawned, and that was our clue to put our spoons in the sink, and toss our empty ice cream containers in the trash. John grabbed his bag and we headed up to my room.

He walked into my room and whistled. “You redid your room.”

I nodded. “Stef helped me, but I picked out most of the stuff.” I didn’t tell him that Stef and I had a number of pitched battles over the décor. He walked around and looked at the walls, and the floors, so I talked about it. “Will and Stef both like the ultra modern look, and I like that too, but I like warmer colors. That’s why Will has gray tile floors, and I have this gold travertine.”

“I like it,” he said. “I like it better than Will’s room, even with his Star Trek elevator, but don’t tell him that.”

“I won’t,” I said, chuckling. He was standing there, looking pretty uptight, when my training on how to be a good host kicked in. “Here, you can unpack your clothes if you want. There’s room in the closet. Make yourself at home.”

“Thanks, JJ,” he said.

I decided to get ready for bed, and that meant stripping off my clothes, then I freaked out when I realized that I’d have to decide what exactly to wear. If I wore nothing, I’d look like a slut, but if I wore more than boxers, I’d look like I was afraid of him. I dicked around, trying to decide what to wear, when he came out of the bathroom in just his boxers. I almost gasped at how totally hot John was, with his really fit body and his totally cute face. “I’ll be right back,” I said, and went into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

When I came back out, I found him curled up on his side, facing away from my side of the bed. I got in, moving the bed as I did, but he didn’t budge. I shrugged, and rolled over so I was looking away from him. If I were Will, I’d be smooth enough to make the moves on him, but did I even want to? The thought of doing something with John was exciting and scary at the same time. In the end, fear won out, and I sighed and tried to get myself to go to sleep.

Thinking about John had distracted me from Robbie, and the whole ceremony, but now that I was more or less alone, those thoughts came bursting through from deep inside me. I felt the tears pouring down my cheeks, even though I lay there quietly, hoping John wouldn’t notice. Then the bed moved, and I felt him roll up behind me. His arm wrapped around my chest, pulling me in, and I could feel his breath on my neck as he spooned up behind me. I sighed contentedly and relaxed into him, letting him take away some of the pain, and slowly I drifted off to sleep.

September 28, 2001

Malibu, CA

I was so fucking sick of crying. For the past two weeks, that’s all I’d fucking done. And tonight had been no exception. I was emotionally exhausted, but not physically exhausted. As I lay spread out on my couch, wearing only boxers with a blanket spread over me to keep me warm, I knew that the one thing that would solve my current problem and help me get some sleep was probably not going to happen. It looked like tonight, when I really needed someone to fuck me; I was going to end up high and dry.

I knew that this whole memorial would just suck the life out of me, and I was OK with that, but I’d been kind of expecting some sexual healing afterward. I’d really been hoping Jeff would be here, but he had some lame ass excuse for not showing up. That annoyed me even more. He’d fucked Robbie. Shouldn’t you at least go to the funeral if the dead guy was someone you fucked? Wasn’t that the appropriate thing to do? I chuckled as I visualized that as an entry in Emily Post’s etiquette guide, then I remembered that Robbie was the dude who was dead, and got depressed all over again.

Another candidate was Ryan, but he was still into Shiloh, so he was off limits. I was so done with guys who were already in a relationship. John was another option, but he’d been hanging out with JJ. I was totally cool with that; JJ needed someone to keep him busy, and John was really good with him. Maybe John would fuck him and that might help his moods. If he did that, it would be worth it. The two actors I’d fucked around with avoided me, and acted like they were pissed off at me, which was entirely possible, since I’d banged that one dude when I wasn’t supposed to. Didn’t matter that I didn’t know that; they’d both decided to just be annoyed with me. I’d spent some time flirting with Lou, and thought that maybe I might just have a chance with him, but then Marcel came along and cock-blocked me.

I’d stuck to my dad like glue at the memorial, because I could feel him completely losing it. In the end, he did really well. I was proud of how well he held up. But I’d appointed myself as his guardian, and so I’d been with him pretty much the whole time. It was rewarding to help him out, and I was glad I’d done it, but that had also kept me too busy to socialize on my own. I guess focusing on him had helped me avoid the big issue that we were dealing with, that this whole thing was a memorial for Robbie because he was dead.

The one time I’d broken away from Dad to go to the bathroom, I’d had the weirdest thing of all happen. This wrestler dude, Chris, who I’d helped tutor last year, had ended up back at the Mission. He was a big dude, and really cute. He’d run into me in the bathroom, and planted a major lip lock on me. I’d always wondered if he was gay or not, so I was getting into it, when he whispered into my ear that he’d fuck me for a hundred bucks. As I lay here on my couch, all alone, it seemed like it wouldn’t have been a big deal to toss him a C-note, but paying for sex seemed really sleazy. Shit, not even Matt would do that. I’d politely turned him down and gone back to the Memorial.

I had pretty much decided to indulge in an intense masturbation session, complete with the dildo Robbie bought me, when there was a knock on my door. “Come in!” I shouted, too lazy to get up and answer it.

The door opened and Zach walked in, wearing nothing but sweat pants. I tried to give him a dirty look, but damn, he was so hot it was hard to be pissed at him. He had an amazing body; one that must have looked like Robbie’s when he was younger, only probably even more muscular. He gave me his cocky smile, the one that was a little lopsided. “Hey.”

“What up?” I asked, as I sat up to make room so he could sit on the couch.

“I just came by to show you my dragon,” he said, flirting with me.

I laughed. “Dude, seriously?”

“Yeah,” he said, and showed me his tattoo. I wasn’t all that into tats, but his was really well done. I ran my hands over it and felt his smooth skin pulsing beneath my fingers. He made his bicep bulge, and that made the dragon bulge too. “See, you stroked him and he got bigger.”

I laughed even harder. “Save your lines.”

“Actually, I came by to see if you’d let me crash on your couch.” He was being really pleasant and charming, but it sucked for him that I could see right through him. He was the kind of dude who would do and say anything just to get what he wanted.

“There are couches downstairs,” I said.

“Yeah, but they’re not all that comfortable, and I don’t like sleeping out in the open, where people are walking by me when I’m out.” That would bug me too.

“Dude, I don’t even like you. What makes you think I’d let you sleep on my couch?”

“You must like me a little bit, otherwise I wouldn’t be in your room,” he said.

“I didn’t know it was you when I told you to come in,” I said.

“Yeah, but you haven’t thrown me out yet,” he said. He gave me his wicked smile, the one that was so much like Robbie’s grin.

“That’s true,” I agreed. “I haven’t thrown you out. Yet.”

“I’m betting you won’t,” he said, being cocky. It made him even cuter.

“Fine, you can sleep on my couch,” I said. “Happy?”

“That’s only my first objective,” he said, leering at me.

“Dude, I’m not like those skeezy dudes you hang out with in Claremont,” I said.

“I don’t hang out with those dudes anymore,” he said.

“Oh, so who do you hang out with? Harry?”

He laughed at that. “He wishes.” That was probably true. Harry would have totally grabbed his ankles for Zach. “I don’t live in Claremont anymore.”

“What?” I asked, totally shocked. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I got a scholarship to go to a private school. Don Bosco, back east.”

“No one said anything to me about that,” I said.

He shrugged. “Happened pretty fast. Robbie was annoyed with me for leaving Claremont, since he’d decided to save the fucking city from itself, but he caved and agreed to help me out.”

“What made you decide to do that?” I asked.

“Dude, I was right on the edge of seriously fucking up my life,” he said sincerely, probably the first time I’d heard him talk that way. “I was shooting roids, I was fucking everything that moved, and I was partying like a rock star.” He leaned back and put his arms behind his head. “And my friends were scum.”

“So now all that’s changed?” I asked sarcastically.

“Well, I’m off roids, I don’t party as much, and I’m a little pickier about who I fuck, so I think things have changed,” he said, refusing to let my smart-ass attitude piss him off.

“Yeah, but you were a real dick,” I said, referring to how he’d seduced John when John and I were together.

“Dude that was a long time ago. People change. Are you the same dude you were back then?”

“I guess not,” I agreed.

“If I said I was sorry, would that make it better?” he asked.

I laughed at him. “Dude, I can read you like a book. You’re not sorry at all. You’re here, being nice to me, hoping I’ll fuck you.”

He leaned in and kissed me, moving so fast I didn’t have a chance to push him away, but as soon as our lips met, I didn’t want to. He finally broke off our kiss. “I am being nice to you, and I am hoping you’ll fuck me. What’s wrong with that?”

“I’m wondering how you’ll treat me in the morning, after you take advantage of me,” I joked, imitating a chick. He laughed.

Then he kissed me again. “In the morning, I’ll fuck you again, and then I’ll pretend like nothing ever happened.”

I stood up, wrapping the blanket around me more to hide my erection than because I was cold. I looked down at him and he looked so sad and lonely, like a little boy, and my heart went out to him. I held out my hand, and he took it, replacing his sad look with a smile. “I don’t think you can handle me anyway,” I said, being cocky.

“I’ve been with black dudes,” he said, referring to the racial stereotype about black dudes having big dicks.

“Whatever. I still think you’ll scream like a little bitch,” I joked.

“I can take anything you can toss out,” he said. We stood on the elevator pad and I hit the button to make it go up. I could feel him behind me, his chest brushing against my back, and it was so erotic I gave up trying to hide how bad my boxers were tenting. “Nice,” he said, when we stepped off the pad.

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool,” I said.

“I was talking about you,” he said, pouring on his game. I smiled and pretended he meant it. He turned me around and kissed me, and I responded, letting myself go. He finally pulled himself away from my mouth, ending one amazing kiss. “Dude. Holy shit!”

I blushed and smiled, then reached down for his drawstring on his sweats. I undid the tie and his pants fell to the floor. He had a nice cock, probably a good seven inches and not too thick, and it seemed to pulse as it stood out from his body, fully erect. I ran my hand up and down it. “Nice.”

“Maybe I should fuck you,” he said, in his deep, sultry voice.

“Maybe you should,” I agreed. He kissed me again while he ran his hands down my back, pulling down my boxers as he went lower to my ass. His fingers slid down my crack until they found my hole, then he began to gently stroke it. I moaned loudly into his mouth, and could feel him grinning.

He maneuvered us over to my bed and then pushed me down, falling on top of me, and making the water slosh around even though the mattress was super-baffled. I felt his hand on my dick and shockwaves flew through my body. “Oh my God. You’re fucking huge!”

“Told you,” I said, in a playful way.

“I want you to fuck me,” he said, looking crazed.

“Next,” I said. “You want me to fuck you; you have to fuck me first.” I squirmed away from him and reached into my drawer, grabbing for condoms and lube.

“I’m clean,” he said. “You don’t trust me?”

“Dude, I don’t trust anyone,” I said firmly. He looked at the condom, and I could tell he didn’t want to use it, but then he saw my expression, and hurriedly opened it and put it on his dick. I grabbed my ankles and he lubed up his dick and my hole, and then guided his cock into me. He knew what he was doing; because he went slowly enough that it didn’t hurt me.

“Fuck you feel good,” he said, as he started to fuck me. I pulled him to me and kissed him. He seemed kind of reluctant at first, but then something kicked in, and he was all but assaulting my mouth. His tongue was probing me with the same intensity as he was fucking me.

“You are amazing,” I said as I broke off our kiss. We were both panting too hard to keep our oral link going. Then he came, and it was incredibly fucking hot. His whole body alternately stiffened like a piece of wood, then spasmed into contortions as he fucked his load into me, then back to wood again. When he was done, it took me all of two strokes of my cock to send me over the edge. I came down from my orgasmic high to the feeling of him slowly pulling his dick out of my ass. I grabbed a towel and wiped us off, then tossed it to the side.

I lay flat on my back, while he was on his side, his head propped up by his hand, smiling at me. “I thought you didn’t like me.”

I smiled at him and ran my fingers through his blond hair. “Who says I like you?”

“You fuck guys you don’t like?”

“Evidently,” I joked, enjoying our banter.

“You like me, otherwise you wouldn’t have had that much fun,” he said. “You want to try and tell me you didn’t have fun?”

“I’m not saying that at all,” I said, grinning. “You’re kind of cute. I probably won’t kick you out of bed.”

He laughed. “See, I’m not a bad person.”

“I never said you were a bad person,” I said, only somehow that comment transitioned our conversation into a more serious mode. He just looked at me, waiting for more. “I think you’re a dude who’s out for himself. And I think that as long as I know that, I’m safe.”

“Safe?” he asked, not a little annoyed.

“Yeah. You can’t use your amazing looks and your charm to make me fall for you.” I knew his game, I knew how he was, and so I was immune. He couldn’t hurt me.

“I’ll bet I can,” he said, acting like it was a challenge.

I shook my head. “No, you can’t.”

“Whatever,” he said, and fell back onto his back, pouting. I leaned up, much like he had.

“It’s better this way. I’m immune to your bullshit, so we can just be friends without all that other baggage.” It was funny to watch him work his way out of his bad mood.

“Friends?” he asked flirtatiously. “Friends that fuck?”

“Definitely friends that fuck,” I said, and leaned in to kiss him. He seemed a little uncomfortable with that.

“When I fuck someone, it’s almost always a chick,” he said. I tried not to roll my eyes at him.

“Well you were really good at it,” I said.

“Must be because it’s you,” he said, tossing out bullshit lines.

“Let me guess,” I said in a somewhat nasty way. “This is where you tell me you’re not really gay; you just get off by having something jammed up your ass.”

“Just because I’m not gay like you, that’s no reason to bust me up about it,” he said in an even nastier tone, telling me that I’d nailed his deal.

“Dude, you’re at least partly gay if you like to fuck other guys, and you really like it when other guys fuck you,” I said.

“Think what you want,” he said, in the same tone he would have said ‘fuck you’.

“It’s not about what I think, it’s about what I know, but I don’t really give a shit. Tell yourself whatever you want. That’s just you jerking your brain off,” I told him.

“This is bullshit,” he said, really pissed. “Maybe I will go sleep downstairs.”

“Suit yourself,” I said. He sat up in the bed, and I felt bad that I’d pushed him so hard. He was thinking of leaving, but he didn’t really want to go. I put my hand on his back and rubbed it gently. “I’d rather you stuck around.”

“Why are you being such a dick to me?” he demanded.

“I don’t know what it is, but I have you figured out. I can read you like a fucking book.” He didn’t say anything. “Doesn’t it mean anything that I can see the real you, and I still want you to stick around?”

“That’s because I’m hot,” he said, getting back into his playful mood.

“You are hot, but that’s not it,” I said, and kissed him gently. This time he responded, and really put feeling into it. He was almost desperate, the way he was kissing me. He pushed me down onto my back, and then straddled me. He reached over to the drawer and rifled through it until he found a magnum, then he stretched the condom over my cock, and lowered himself down.

“I told you I could take you,” he said. I laughed, but only for a second, as he started to undulate up and down on my cock.

“Holy shit,” I panted. “I have never felt anything like this.”

“You like?” he asked, grinning.

“I like,” I said. He rolled onto his back, and I rolled on top of him, letting my cock slip out of him, but only long enough to push his legs back and re-enter him.

“Yeah, that’s right,” he said. I fucked him, and it was heaven. His ass seemed to pulse and throb around my dick like it was massaging it. If I hadn’t just blown my load, I wouldn’t have lasted more than a minute. This dude was amazing. I’d pretty much decided that I was a bottom, that being fucked was way more fun than fucking another guy, but sex with Zach was giving me a whole new perspective.

“Dude, you’re turning me into a top,” I said. He laughed, and then he came.