Toph's Empty Year - 20. Early June

Saturday morning was the first of June and the first we’d talked about my mother in a long time. Last night, after we returned from the river, Gary made sure I was comfortably in bed with a hot toddy Joanne had concocted. He wouldn’t let me discuss anything with anyone, saying all would be clearer in the morning. He remained with me, emphasizing his love and soothing me until I fell asleep. After that, I was certain he left to tidy up the mess I had created.

I did feel safer in the morning as things began to be seen with better perspective. But Gary was insistent these issues got addressed sooner than later. We were alone at the kitchen table. I have no doubt he shooed Anders, and maybe Joanne too, away.

“Can you tell me exactly what you thought when you first saw her yesterday?”

“No. Honestly, I can’t. I know I felt beset and had the overwhelming urge to escape. I only remember running out the back door and the next thing I knew, I was at the river. I experienced a lot of anxiety and began to walk on the path along the water. It did start to calm me though. I really don’t know how far I walked, nor do I remember what I was thinking, but I do remember the moment I felt calm.”

“What do you think caused the change?”

“It was when I reversed course and walked back. I’m pretty sure I turned around by pushing everything out of my mind. I began paying attention to only the river and its shore. All I was certain of was that I wished to stay away from our home for a while – as though I were safer down there. I ate at the crab shack and then went to the overlook where you found me.”

“Why wouldn’t you feel safe at home?”

“I don’t know. It seems irrational.”

“So what you’re telling me is that your actions were more instinctual rather than thought through.”

“Absolutely! There was no thinking at all.”

“Please don’t take this the wrong way, love. Have you ever considered some type of therapy? I don’t mean to imply anything bad. It’s only there seems to be something you don’t recognize – something deep down – that’s causing this distress. If you can’t articulate it, maybe someone could help you discover what is at the root. I mean, you don’t want to go through your entire life running away from something that you can’t even identify, do you?”

“Ouch!”

He hugged me. “No, please try to understand. You’ve come so far this year. You are independent now and have developed your talent to an amazing degree. You are respected by very many people, not the least of whom is me. I hate to see this one isolated demon holding you back. Toph, my love, I want you to fear nothing.”

“What should I do?”

“You don’t have to do anything, if you don’t want. I won’t love you any less. This is your choice. Please think about it for a little while. If you decide it’s important for you to discover why you feel this way, we can find the right therapist to help you. I’m not going to mention this to you anymore. It isn’t my decision.” That declaration was followed by a kiss and a warm, safe hug.

I realized Gary was probably right. I knew I felt safe with him. Why hadn’t that occurred to me last night, when I was afraid to go home? This security meant I didn’t need to rush into the decision. I could continue on if I wished, snug in his embrace. As I thought about it, there was really no coherent reason for me to act the way I did yesterday. She wasn’t going to injure me by appearing at the gallery. I’m sure Luke would have defended me from any verbal assault. I could not put my finger on anything specific she could do. So why did I flee? Then I became aware that Gary was speaking.

“ …and so I thought maybe we could visit them tomorrow. What do you think?”

My face must have become as red as my hair. My boyfriend was speaking to me – asking a question – and I had no idea what he was talking about.

“Sure. Why not.”

“Really? You were that easy?”

Now I was truly embarrassed. I didn’t even know what I had just agreed to!

Gary picked up on my blushing. “Wait. You don’t even know what I just asked, do you.”

“Um, no. I was still thinking about the last topic.”

Gary burst out laughing. “You just agreed to go sky diving with me tomorrow!”

“No I did not! What were you really talking about? Who are we going to visit tomorrow?”

“Oh, you did hear some of it. I asked if you wanted to have brunch with my parents at the tennis club. They asked us to join them. I’m pretty sure my mother wants to meet you.”

“Oh, no! What is it with these mothers? Can’t they leave me alone?”

Gary stared at me and I stared right back, that is, until I began to crack a smile. Damn! I thought I could outlast him.

“You know, the fact you can joke about it is really healthy.” That, I gathered, earned me the kiss.

When he suggested we go to Happy’s for our Saturday lunch, I knew the serious morning discussion was over. I spent a little time in my studio looking through old sketches to see if anything caught my imagination. Gary was in and out of the room but kept me company with small talk until it was nearly noon and time to leave.

It was pleasant being with my boyfriend and talking with Betty and Big Joe. Poor Joe was entering panic-mode with his approaching wedding.

“It’s on the twenty-ninth! That’s only a few weeks away. I’ve got so much preparation left to do! I’m afraid I may never get it finished, especially now that I’m half-running the shop!”

Gary jumped in. “You know, if there is anything Toph or I can do, we’ll be more than happy to help out.”

“Aw, thanks guys. I’m pretty sure we’ll have it all covered, but you might not want to make any plans for the twenty-eighth.” That brought a welcome chuckle from all of us.

I was pretty certain his soon-to-be wife, Jo, would have everything covered; she was that sort of person. Although, that fact didn’t seem to be preventing Joe from becoming a nervous wreck. From there, we visited Naomi’s. It wasn’t my day to work, but it was always pleasant talking with her. Gary seemed to think so too. He was always relaxed in her presence. He also checked out my most recent paintings.

As we left Naomi’s, Gary suggested we visit the gallery to chat with Luke. That’s when I realized what he was up to. This unusual Saturday two-man tour was, in realty, my boyfriend showing the people who were alerted and worried last night that I was OK. He simply continued to impress me and I think I’ve fallen more in love with him each day.

The visit with Luke was really pleasant. I don’t know if he was forewarned, or if it was simply his impeccable manners, but neither my disappearing act nor my mother were mentioned. What Luke wanted was to be allowed to keep my New Glory exhibit for one more month in that same room before we distributed the paintings to the purchasers. It would not be advertised as a show, but would simply be a feature for the gallery. Luke was convinced the word-of-mouth buzz about the display was not quite over yet. I could see no harm, so immediately agreed.

When we left Luke, I knew what was next.

“Why don’t we visit your friend Oscar? Don’t you usually visit him on Saturday?”

“That’s a great idea!” I refused to spoil my boyfriend’s little plan or allow him to know I saw right through it.

Oscar didn’t seem to be surprised by our visit, so I assumed Luke too had been forewarned. I even began wondering about Betty and Big Joe. Apparently Gary had been a busy boy this morning! In any event, I took the opportunity to show Oscar’s beautiful patio to Gary.

“How about your Texas Boys’ story, Toph? Have you had any time to work on it?”

“A little. I’ve sketched out a bit more of the outline and discovered a new plotline lurking in the story. And something else has happened. I’m not sure I can explain it.”

“I’m all ears, my boy. I’m sure your boyfriend is too. After all, he was with you when you met them.”

“I’m not quite sure I even understand this, or if it makes any sense, but here goes. The current painting style I’m working with is sometimes called abstract-realism. That is, I create an abstraction of color and form first. I suppose one could stop there, but it would look something like a Clyfford Still and, you know, he sort of already did that. The realism comes in when I allow the points of my sketch to fit the pattern before me – in my head, of course. Once I ‘see’ my drawing living inside this total abstraction, I allow it to escape, by slowly freeing it from the abstraction in which it is imprisoned.”

Gary was staring at me. “You do all that when you make a painting?”

“Yes, I do now. By the way, you’re responsible.”

“I am? – how?”

“Last fall I was painting cans of soup and becoming frustrated.”

“I remember. I had to grab you because you were banging your head against the doorframe.”

“Yes, that was the night. Do you remember our conversation?”

“No, I don’t think I do. All I know was I was worried about you and a little afraid of making things worse. I was already falling in love with you.”

“I knew you were, but I was fearful of you at the time. Well, back to the epiphany. You mentioned painting angels like Michelangelo or something. That’s when I recalled his explanation of freeing the angel from the marble. And that’s what I try to do, free the figure from the abstraction.”

I looked at Oscar. “Well, I’m beginning to think of the Texas Boys’ story in the same way. Instead of an abstract color pattern I feel a pattern of emotions when I think about them. As I have begun to put form, or realism, to those sentiments, plotlines are beginning to emerge. Oscar, it feels completely out of my control! Much as my paintings create themselves, this story is beginning to create itself. I’m afraid I’ll be only the transcriber. Does that even make sense?”

Putting down his drink and walking over to my chair, Oscar placed his hands on my shoulders and looked me square in the eyes. “It makes perfect sense, my dear Toph. Allow the story to flow however it demands.”

After that, our chat turned to inconsequential things. It was a pleasant afternoon with the three of us sipping on some very old, very smooth whiskey. I made certain to limit myself to only one.

The next day brought Sunday brunch at the tennis club. I’ll have to admit, I was not sure whether it was Gary’s intent to expose me to his family, or expose his family to me. While I tried to not let it agitate me, it must have been pretty obvious to him that I was a ball of nerves. At least he kept his hand reassuringly on some part of my body while the introductions were made.

I know I had met his father in December, but he seemed so different today. Perhaps it was the more casual attire, but he appeared to be somewhat softer. Had I created that sterner Father in my mind? Gary’s mother was a complete delight. It was clear from which side of the family he got his good looks.

They both stood as we approached the table, Gary’s father immediately shaking my hand, placing his left over our clasped right ones.

Gary did the introductions. “Toph, you’ve already met my father, George. Moms, this is Toph.”

I accepted the offer of Mrs. England’s hand.

“Mrs. England, what a pleasure!”

“Oh my, Toph! Please call me Debbie or Moms, like Gary does.”

That was the beginning of a cordial brunch. I chose to call his mother Debbie. ‘Moms’ seemed a little too personal and I figured it should be reserved for her son’s use. The talk was so easygoing between everyone. I couldn’t help but compare it to the stiff and carefully thought out dialogue I had been used to in my former life. These people were certainly more affluent than my family, but seemed totally unfazed by it, only concerning themselves with memories of my boyfriend’s young life – as would any proud parents. It seemed they had memorized his every little triumph and failure. Again, I couldn’t help but compare that to my own childhood memories. If my parents were present at the table, could they have remembered even one milestone of my younger life? It also gave me pause to consider how I had assumed all the exclusive families of Euphoria were like my own. Had I been guilty of equating wealth with emotional distance?

Debbie mentioned Gary’s birthday was approaching. I was stunned to discover it was on the fifteenth of this month. That was only two weeks away! I also discovered they had each taken in my exhibit at the gallery. Debbie was effusive with her praise, likening it with humorous comparisons to her now-embarrassed son’s ‘artwork’ when he was younger. It seemed she had the knack of tempering everything she said with a soft breeze of humor. When we departed, Debbie insisted Gary and I come to visit often.

On the ride home I could see the unasked question coloring his face. I teased him by remaining silent for a while, but eventually I had to give in. “That went so much better than I had feared. I love your parents. No wonder you turned out so good. Do you think they approve of me?”

“Toph, haven’t you figured out by now that my parents aren’t in the ‘approval’ business. Moms was sincerely interested in meeting you. She kept hearing what Pops and I were saying about you.”

“But Pops only met me once!”

“He’s always been a quick judge of character, but your internship also greatly impressed him.”

“I think I need to do a complete mental cleansing of my preconceived notions file.”

That Sunday began a most interesting week for me and my preconceived notions file.

Monday I received a call from Teddy. He was going to be in town and wondered if we could meet for lunch at Riverbend, the excusive restaurant where I had first met Pops and where Clarissa’s reception would be held. Teddy said he had some details to discuss with the manager and figured it would be a good time to meet me.

Tuesday, shortly after noon, I handed TeAra’s keys to the valet and entered Riverbend. Before I took three steps into the restaurant, a young man wearing a broad smile approached.

“Toph?”

I nodded and was immediately engulfed in his arms. “You have no idea how I’ve wanted to meet you.”

“You must be Teddy. I’ve wanted to meet you too.”

After being ushered to a quiet corner, Teddy and I were sipping ice tea while waiting for our lunches.

“I know it’s none of my business, but I can’t help but wonder what motivated you to make such a dramatic exit from your family.”

“It was from more than just my family. Well, you know how Euph… Floria is.”

Teddy chuckled. “Your sister calls it Euphoria too. I gather it’s a common derogatory name for all the young Florites to use.”

“More a sobriquet than a derogatory name. And that was my problem. I couldn’t stand the fake wonderfulness all my peers believed they lived in. I felt by remaining there I would become consumed with either approval or hatred. Neither was an option I wished for myself. So I pulled the plug.”

“And did you ever! But why the choice of Labor Day?”

“Did you ever consider the irony of a formal dinner by wealthy people in an exclusive town to celebrate a holiday dedicated to the working man?”

“Formal?”

“Black Tie.”

“Clarissa never told me that. Hoho! That’s rich! – oops!”

I knew right then that Teddy and I were going to become close friends, in addition to being brothers-in-law. The lunch was pleasurable, with Teddy taking considerable time to find out what it was like growing up in Dennydom. I quizzed him on college and the strange relationship between Clarissa, Niles and him while they were at Princeton. Near the end of our time, he surprised me by asking if my exhibit was still at the gallery. When I explained to him it would only run till the end of the month, he promised to visit. From what he told me, it seemed Charles was enthusiastic after he returned home from his visit.

For the rest of the week I kept to my usual routine, except for the worry of my quickly approaching Abington interview on the following Tuesday. I’m sure Gary noticed because he tried to fill up my every spare moment with activities. I was most grateful whenever those activities involved sex. The good news was that more of the Texas Boys’ story was emerging in my mind but it was taking a decidedly darker turn. That meant a meeting with Oscar was required on Saturday, the seventh.

We enjoyed his patio again.

“Maybe it’s the mood I’m in, but instead of the light, almost humorous time I thought the boys would have when they were in high school, a more ominous thread involving the blond boy’s wacky religion is emerging. Should I start over?”

“If it were a painting, would you start over?”

“No, of course not. I would let it emerge.”

“Then do the same with your story. Let it emerge.”

“OK. I’ll work it up a little more and visit you again. Maybe you’ll tell me to scrap it then.” I gave an awkward little chuckle. I was mentioning my meeting with Gary’s parents when the fact his birthday was near came out.

“Are you going to throw him a party?”

Why had I never thought of that? It must have been all my anxiety over the approaching interview.

“I guess I’d better. He had a pretty special one for me. But, Oscar, I only have one week and our apartment is too small!

“Nonsense! That’s plenty of time. But you’d better contact everyone you’ll invite by tomorrow at the latest! How old will he be?”

“Um, twenty-nine but what restaurant can I get for a Saturday with only one week’s notice?”

“You’ll have his party right here. Let’s set it for 7:18 and you only have to let me know how many will be attending. My cook will take care of all the food and the cake. We can work out the details after Wednesday’s TALON meeting.”

“7:18?!”

“Always choose an odd time; then people never forget it.”

“Oscar, that’s a huge burden you’re lifting from me. I’m not sure I could have accomplished anything with my interview scheduled for Tuesday. I’m already freaking out about it.”

He reached over from his chair to gently pat my shoulder. “Think nothing of it, dear boy. It’s what friends do.”

That evening found me skulking around, trying to avoid Gary, as I called our mutual friends here in New Glory. All the usual suspects: Naomi, Abigail, Luke, Big Joe and Jo. Earlier I had told Anders and Joanne about the party. Monday at lunch I would see Betty and ask her. I decided to invite Charles and Anne, since they had met Gary and would be the token representatives of my family. This, of course, brought me to his family. I had no contact information for his parents. I didn’t even know where they lived. This required two short prayers on my part. The first was that his phone was not locked. The second was of absolution for the invasion of privacy, bordering on a violation of trust. It also required stealth. Once I found the needed information, I resisted all temptation to step cross that border of trust. I only entered Moms’ number in my own phone and, again stealthily, made the call. By Saturday night the party was all set and I was relying on Oscar to iron out the details.

On Sunday Gary insisted we return to the park by the river for a relaxing day. He could so easily sense my restless concern over the interview! In a way, my anxiety was fortuitous because otherwise I don’t think I could have hidden the impending the party from him – he does read me so well. Thankfully there were no boat races and we enjoyed a quiet afternoon, which did calm me a little.

Monday I was totally useless to everybody. I spent the day at Naomi’s mindlessly tending her store, only breaking for lunch to ask Betty to the party. I couldn’t even paint. That evening Gary crushed me in tennis; I couldn’t anticipate any of his moves. I even thought he might have been taking it easy on me. I certainly could not eat Monday night.

The interview on Tuesday went horribly. The week before I had gone over every possible question they might ask me. The little board of inquisition managed to probe into areas for which I had never dreamed of preparing. I think most of my answers were pure babbling. Even I wouldn’t have wanted me to be admitted. When they zeroed in on my knowledge of art, I often did not even understand the question, let alone have an intelligent answer to offer. The only area I felt the least bit comfortable with was technique. Thank God Naomi was a stickler for technique. I think the interrogation went on for two hours or maybe two years – my mind couldn’t really distinguish by then.

When I left, I was so depressed that I went down to the riverfront again. I knew I enjoyed painting, but it was obvious that the choice of a new career-path was in order. I think my mind bounced back and forth between many things while I was down there, not all of them having to do with future employment.

Returning home, I put on a brave face. At the gym, Gary was probing, but I was strong. I helped Joanne with dinner preparation and ate robustly – although that might have been more because I hadn’t had food in over twenty-four hours.

At the TALON meeting Wednesday, I once again put forward a positive image but was beginning to feel destroyed inside. Luke added to my depression.

“Yesterday your Texas Boys sold.”

“What?! Who bought it?”

“A representative of some gentleman. I’m only guessing it was a male, because the buyer referred to his employer as a ‘him.’ He paid a premium over the asking price.”

“Why?”

“I informed him that we had an agreement the painting could stay in the gallery until the end of the month. He insisted the buyer wanted it immediately and offered quite a large additional sum. I knew you were at your interview and so made the decision to sell it.”

Luke handed me a check for my net amount, after his commission, and it was amazingly large. But I suddenly realized I’d never see Texas Boys again, not even for one last goodbye. I can’t tell you what happened during the rest of the meeting. I was totally lost within myself.

Thank goodness for Gary’s party. After the meeting Oscar and I went to his house and began working out the details. Soon my funk was gone as this next project now consumed me. I was determined to make this a pleasant weekend for my boyfriend. He certainly did not need or deserve a sullen partner. I realized that whatever was to be, would be. No amount of moping around on my part would ever change that.

Friday a call interrupted my work at Naomi’s. It was Luke, who asked me to come to the gallery as quickly as I could. Immediately upon entering, I saw who was talking to Luke. It was Teddy. He greeted me and asked if we could tour my exhibit together. He was very curious and interested in the most amazing details of New Glory and my paintings.

“He’s your roommate?”

“Yes. The same name and a direct descendant of this Anders whose image you see here.”

“That’s wonderful, Toph! I hope you’ve thoroughly sucked every bit of historical knowledge from him!”

“Actually, his mother runs the local historic society and has provided me with all the background I could ever hope to contain. She even purchased this painting for the Society.”

“From the tags, it looks like they’ve all been sold.”

“Every one. I think I was the one most shocked by that.”

“Not me, this is good work. Someday when Clarissa and I are settled in, I’d like to buy one of your paintings.”

“Sure, Teddy, that would make me very happy.” Of course, I knew I would give it to them. We chatted pleasantly for a while. It was during this time he discovered I was preparing a birthday party for Gary the next night.

“Could I crash your party? I’d like to meet this Gary before the wedding. Who knows how much time I’ll have on that day.”

I assured him he would be more than welcome.

The easiest thing for me on Saturday was waking up in his arms, wishing him a happy birthday, and giving myself to him. The most difficult thing for me on Saturday was to get him to Oscar’s without becoming suspicious. For that, I needed Anders’ help.

But it didn’t matter because Gary was too smart. He saw through the elaborate ruse, but played along as though he were a dullard. And even that didn’t matter because it was a great party. I introduced him to Teddy and they seemed to take a liking to one another. I think Gary was most surprised, even delighted, to see his parents. They fit right in with the New Glory contingent and I even noticed Moms deep in conversation with Betty at one point. I thought No wonder family is so important to Gary.

But the biggest surprise came near the end of the evening. Pops and Oscar vanished, and then returned from a side room with a large wrapped package. Moms walked over next to her husband and, lifting their drinks, they said, “Happy Birthday, son.”

I mumbled, “No, it’s impossible. It can’t be.” But it was. I couldn’t grasp how they even knew what this meant. Gary tore the wrappings off to reveal Texas Boys, whose presence would now forever remind us of our own love’s first awakening.