Tales of the Underground: Velocity - 44. Requiem

As I stood there, staring at the small grey stone slab in front of me I was flooded with memories. It’s funny, I’ve come to this site every single day since he was buried and yet every single time I flash back to moments with him. An imperfect soul, forced to wander this earth, tortured almost every step of the way. I let out a deep sigh, at least he’s at peace now. I knelt down and brushed away some of the dirt from the surface.

Jamie Aaron Free

February 21^st, 2000- January 30^th 2016

“Loving son, brother and boyfriend. Known by few missed by many”

I felt tears start to fill my eyes just like they always did whenever I read the caption. That’s it? That’s all they could think to put? Jamie was so much more than just 11 words. He was a hero…he was my hero. As I heard a car pull up, I stood up and wiped the water from my eyes.

“Hey Eli” I heard a voice solemnly greet

I turned and held my breath “Hey” I muttered. I knew he’d visited every now and then, but this is my first time actually seeing Jacob at the grave.

“It’s good to see you…I can’t remember the last time I did. Maybe right before school got out.” He said trying to make conversation

“Maybe” I echoed

He tried to put his arm around my shoulder but I shrugged it off “He really did love you…wherever he is, he still does.” I rolled my eyes and kept silent “I know it’s cliché but it’s true. He would hate to see you in so much pain”

“Don’t talk about what he would hate or want” I bit “He’s gone”

Jacob let my words soak the open air “He is, but you’re still here. That’s all he ever wanted…you to be safe.”

“I’d rather be in danger and with him, then safe. Do you have any idea how terrible it is without him around? Do you know how many times I check my phone out of habit to see if he texted me? Or when I look out and see the mustang sitting in my driveway and wait for him to pop out of it? I still see that stupid grin when I close my eyes…that stupid cocky grin.”

“I do too” he said with pain growing in his voice “He was my best friend. You’re not the only one who lost someone that day.”

“It sure as hell feels like it” I muttered

Jacob ignored my words and looked over at me “You know me and Steph are having a little back to school party at my place. You’re more than welcome to swing by. She misses you a lot.”

“No” I answered beginning to walk to the car

“Eli things don’t have to be this way…you don’t have to be alone “he reached out

“They do…I do.” I said looking back “Tell Steph she shouldn’t miss me…she’s the one who called the cops that day…she’s the reason they made that call over the radio.”

“She’s the reason Jamie knew” Jacob fought back

“She’s the reason my dad knew” I sighed looking away “and last time I checked they still don’t know how Jamie knew. The radio in his room is just a theory.”

“You can’t possibly be blaming her” he spit out of desperation

“No…I blame myself” I mumbled opening the driver’s side door

“You have to stop this…this self-torture” he cried out of desperation “It’s not your fault…it’s no one’s fault. Jamie had a hard head. He would have done anything to keep you safe. You can’t go on blaming yourself, look at poor Matty after he did.”

I shot him a look of anger “I’m not gonna kill myself if that’s what you’re saying. Matty had what was coming to him. He offed himself because he knows he should’ve been there.”

Jacob took a step towards my car but the sight of the old mustang stopped him in his tracks “You don’t have to act so much like him…he didn’t even like the way he was.” I shook my head, hopped in and slammed the door behind me “Go ahead! Run from reality…just like he did! Soon you’ll be buried right here next to him!” Jacob lashed out as I began to pull away.

I stepped on the gas, and looked at the silver horse etched onto the steering wheel. After Jamie’s death his father couldn’t stand to see the mustang sitting in the driveway. Every time he did it would tear him up inside. At first he was going to get rid of it, but couldn’t bring himself to do it. That’s when he offered it to me. I’ve been driving it ever since.

The further from the grave I got the more Jacob’s words begin to hit me. Have I really become more like him? I just can’t tell anymore…everything went so wrong so damn fast. Have I really started running from things? The silver horse seemed to jump out at me, and I knew exactly what I needed to do. I switched gears and jumped on the highway, leaving everyone else in my dust. It’s easy to see why Jamie loved racing so much, that feeling of going fast, the feeling that no one can touch you. It’s addictive.

As I pulled into the poor rundown city next to mine I took a deep breath and tried to keep my mind calm. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how the rich and poor could coincide without anyone helping each other. The poor side of my town doesn’t even compare to the city. Drug addicts and homeless people littered the city streets. The rundown buildings and business filled my eyes, as I realized the damage I had done to a once happy family. I pulled into the apartment lot and wiped the sweat away from my now shaking hands. I held my breath as I entered the crammed lobby and made my way to the front desk.

“I’m looking for the Free family” I pushed out trying to get the secretaries attention. Without looking up she lifted her hand and pointed over at the wall of mailboxes. I sighed and wandered over to try and find my destination. After minutes of searching I finally found my destination “Aaron Free, Jess Free 5f” I repeated to myself. Not daring to take the elevator I made my way to the stairs and began my ascension.

The chipped paint on the walls and creaky staircase filled my head with guilt. After Jamie’s death Mr. Free found himself lost. So much so that he couldn’t afford to make ends meet. I guess his fading paycheck and Jess’ money from McDonald’s just couldn’t work anymore. One fateful day child protective services stepped in and took away his 3 youngest daughters. They bounced around in the system for a few months, before Mr. Free’s estranged parents finally scooped them up. Covered in even more grief he sold the family house, and found a much more affordable apartment with Jess. The day they left the neighborhood was the last time I had seen them. As I reached the door I felt my heart jump to my throat, I was the reason their family was in this shape. It took me a minute but finally I forced myself to knock on the door.

“If this is about rent…” I heard a fading voice begin as someone opened the door “Oh Hi…what can I help you with?” Mr. Free asked with confusion growing in his voice. I picked up my hand and swept the hair out of my face “Elijah? I’m sorry, I didn’t even recognize you. Please come in.” I followed his lead into the small cramped apartment and took a seat at their makeshift kitchen table. “You’ve really committed to the long hair huh? Man, I couldn’t even tell it was you.” He said trying to be friendly

“Yeah” I mumbled not knowing what to say

“So is there any special reason you stopped by? Not that you’re not welcome or anything. It’s definitely good to see you again.” He ranted

I began to shrug my shoulder but remembered my talk with Jacob this afternoon…I can’t run from everything “I’m sorry” I pushed out

Even more confusion spread across Mr. Free’s face and I diverted my eyes to the floor “For?”

“Everything” I sighed “I’m the reason everything happened. I should’ve never started dating your son. I should’ve never insisted on joining him at the races. I should’ve never gotten taken. I should’ve never put him in a situation where he could get hurt.” Mr Free raised his hand to stop me but I kept going “I’m the cause of all of this…if only I listened to him for once, this all could have been prevented…he would still be here.”

“No” Mr Free responded shaking his head “You made my son the happiest he was in a long long time. For the first time in years he was genuinely smiling and laughing, not just that stupid cocky one he had either REAL laughter Elijah.” He reached out and forced my head up “The truth about Jamie is that he was set on a path of destruction ever since Jade died. He just couldn’t handle life without his mother. I knew he was in for an early death…I just never imagined it would be this early.” His voice slowly broke as he came clean about the reality of his only son “When you came back into his life I thought that maybe you could save him…maybe he would get off his path. The sad truth is that he stayed on it, maybe he calmed down a little but god damn you could still see that fire in his eyes. That darkness that dwelled inside of him, I still have no idea where it came from” He began to nervously tap his foot against the thin floorboards “You gave him borrowed time, and for that I thank you.” I shook my head no and went to say something but he cut me off “I should be apologizing to you…you lost more than anyone else that day…you were forced to do something…”

“No one forced me to do anything” I but in cutting him off “I did what I had to.”

Mr. Free let out a deep sigh “Still no one deserves to have to take a life…no one deserves to see what you saw”

I stood up having said what I needed to “That’s life” I Sighed

“No…Eli it’s not” he fought “Please don’t end up like Jamie. Don’t let this ruin you. Between Matty and Jamie…haven’t we buried enough of you kids?”

“Goodbye Mr. Free” I said showing myself out

“Goodbye Eli” he let out watching me leave.

I rushed down the stairs and into the red mustang which waited for me. I sped out of the rundown city, and back onto the highway. The more my mind began to break down the faster I went. I knew exactly what I needed to calm the demons. It was the only way I had to fight back. As I finally reached my house I screeched into the drive way and ran out. I ran through the living room to find my mom with a stray syringe left on the ground, in the state she almost always was in lately.

“Hi baby” she moaned reaching out. I kept my pace towards the stairs ignoring her completely “Come on Eli…don’t ignore me” she let out in monotone groan

“Shut up mom, you’re high again” I bit

“Like you’re so perfect lately” she argued as I ran up the stairs and into my room.

Perhaps my mom got the brunt of the storm after everything happened. She couldn’t handle the news that my dad was being blamed with the murder of Jamie, and his accomplice. Even worse, she couldn’t handle the news that I was the one who put him down. The police, chalked it up as self-defense and let me go, even giving me and my mom a hefty settlement for any “Emotional trauma” I may have experienced. She tried to reach out to me, she really did, but I shut her off. I guess I failed her when she need me most… a trend I was getting good at lately. She fell in love with heroin a few weeks after my dad passed. I guess it’s the only way she can survive. Sure every now and then she’ll go off to work as a secretary, but with that government payout we don’t need her paycheck anymore, and lately she’s spent a lot more time high then working.

As I walked into my room I snagged a bottle off my counter. I guess I had developed my own dirty habit to deal with the pain. I took a big swig of the burning liquid and let myself fall onto my bed. As I closed my eyes, I watched the horrors replay in my mind. A trend that has haunted me since that day. I was constantly given nightmarish flashbacks, watching Jamie fall to the ground, taking the gun from his body, and then cradling him as the cops finally pulled up. I guess I’ve conveniently blocked out the middle part, but lately I’ve wished I didn’t. I wish I could see the pain and fear in my dad’s eyes as I turned on him. I wish I could know what he was thinking as he saw his only son turn on him with a gun. I hope he feels that pain for eternity, for what he’s done to me. He took Jamie’s life because he jumped to conclusions…because he assumed he was the one who took me. What an effective suspension that was…glad my dad was taken out of the field so he couldn’t do anything dangerous.

I tipped the bottle and started drinking even heavier until finally I was numb. I turned onto my side and passed out. Innocence gets you nowhere in this life, only darkness.