The Journal of Chris Williams - 5. Journal 5

Journal entry 5:

I was so full of myself. Constantly thinking how great I was. How my best friend was going to make me someone powerful within the pack. Turns out I let myself get blinded by all that. I didn’t learn in time what it truly meant to be a leader. It took being told I’d likely be executed for me to open my eyes. Apparently, I was only ever a follower, and I ended up following Michael right off a cliff. I wasn’t just blinded by what he told me. My own ego was just as big of a problem. It was so over blown I thought I could do anything without facing repercussions. My actions are not Michael’s fault. They are no one’s fault but mine.

I’ve put off talking about this and try not to think about it. I’ve got to deal with one problem before I can go any further. At the time I thought it would be fun. We were going to actually rape and kill that guy, Aiden’s mate Ethan, and like always we thought we were untouchable. No one would ever discipline the son of the alpha or his beta. I think this is the first time I actually used his name. It was always the human, Aiden’s whore, or some other derogatory description. If he didn’t have a proper name there was no need to treat him humanely since he was a thing and not a person.

The guys we had with us at the bridge didn’t have any idea what was going to ultimately happen. They all knew about beating him to a bloody pulp, and Robert was aware we were going to rape Ethan. Only Michael and I knew the end result would be killing him. Connor and Kevin went along because Michael and I forced them into it. I’m not sure how far they would have gone once things got started. Robert went along because he’s an asshole and thought it would be good fun to beat the crap out of a fag. God I couldn’t stand that moron, but he was good in a fight. If you needed extra muscle to keep people in line, he was the guy to have around. Beyond that, he was as dumb as a bag of rocks but a loyal bag of rocks. For me, attacking Ethan wasn’t so much because he was gay. I kept telling myself that was simply a bonus reason. Mostly it was because Michael ordered it and Ethan was Aiden’s mate. Hurting our enemy it was the most important factor, and what better way to wound someone you can’t take on your own. The fact I had turned into a sadistic fuckup who got off on torturing others was also why I was so eager to do it. I think my reasoning was different from Robert’s, but was it?

Connor was the weakest link in our little group. I don’t mean that in a bad way now, just that he didn’t have the stomach to go out and hurt people. He would fight to defend his friends, but random violence to others was not his thing. I think he caved first during our interrogation. Looking back, I’m glad he did and told them everything. It probably saved him within the pack. Connor and Kevin were forced to be there to prove their loyalty to Michael. They had to show us they wouldn’t bale like Tyler did after the run in with Aiden and Ethan on the cross country trail. I used physical intimidation on them to get them to comply. Michael really turned the screws on Connor and Kevin with mental intimidation. I know he pulled out every last secret he had on them as ammo to seal the deal. If they failed him, he was going to destroy them. I’m pretty sure it would have meant Connor committing suicide. The more I think about it, I don’t know if either one would have actively taken part in raping or killing Ethan. Preventing him from escaping, yeah, but not the worst of our crimes. I hope they wouldn’t have. Maybe they’d have panicked and gone running for help. If they weren’t so afraid of Michael and me, they never would have gone along with any of it.

Tyler told us after the first attack he didn’t want any part of us or hurting Ethan again. He didn’t think the guy was that bad, especially after the meeting in the alpha’s office. Even I was surprised Ethan let us off the hook. Tyler refused to do any more against him and said in no uncertain terms he was no longer our friend. It was the first time any of the guys in our circle stood up to us or walked away. Michael was pissed since no one was allowed to defy him or disagree. He decided he would get back at Tyler later for his disloyalty. He never outright said it and only hinted at things, but I’m sure Tyler was going to meet the same fate as Ethan. His main focus at the time was on that damned human who dared to exist. Tyler could wait and worry about what was coming.

Robert was all in for this idea from the start just because Ethan was gay. He didn’t even have any objections to raping him after beating the shit out of him. He used to say it was how fags where meant to be used and thought it would be fun. He may have hated fags, but he had no issue in making use of one if he was horny. Michael decided Robert would be on our side of the bridge where he took up the enforcer position. That way we could all keep an eye on Connor and Kevin. I had kind of thought he should be behind Connor and Kevin to make sure they didn’t run. Michael however wanted someone on each side of him like an alpha, like Aiden and his pack.

This wasn’t going to be the first time I’d forced myself onto another guy. The girls from school and some of the women around the county were fairly easy to talk into bed, thank you lycan pheromones. I didn’t want to get busted for sexual assault by doing anything forceful towards them. But with a guy it wasn’t gentle or romantic. Michael wouldn’t allow that and reminded me regularly. It was to take care of our horniness and show dominance over the other guy. That’s what Michael taught me from the very first time. You force another guy to submit and be humiliated or worse. There was a sick kind of rush from doing that to some of the guys we used as they tried to defend themselves. The feeling of overpowering and conquering your victim, of making them submit to something they wouldn’t normally do made us feel strong. Now that I can look at it differently, in reality we were weak and sick minded. Connor and Kevin were both forced to submit to that type of abuse more than once. I’m not sure if Michael ever did that to Robert. I know I didn’t, and I’m pretty sure he would have beaten the shit out of me if I tried. When we did it to someone, Michael said it was to put them in their place within our group. I don’t know how we never got turned in for what we did. No guy we used did it willingly, but that didn’t stop us from taking if we felt like it. It was usually me overpowering and pinning them down while Michael took the first turn. By the time I had sloppy seconds, they didn’t put up much of a fight even though we purposely made it hurt. Someday I need to write a letter to Connor and Kevin apologizing for what I did to them. I need to write a lot of letters.

With Ethan, we were going to take things to a whole new level. Michael planned on raping him the first time in his wolf before doing it again in human form. He thought it would destroy any trust Ethan had in wolves. Take one more thing from him before he died. There had been talk about leaving him alive, filled and covered with our… Even with everything else I’ve already written down today, I can’t bring myself to write that last part, but you get the idea of what he was going to be filled with. We were also going to all bite him so there was no way it would be Aiden who eventually turned him. At first, Michael thought this would be enough to destabilize Aiden and prevent him from being any further threat. The idea his mate had been bred by several other wolves and turned by someone other than himself would be devastating. After giving it some additional thought Michael finally changed his mind. As much as he wanted Aiden to see his mate still alive, turned, and covered with our stuff, he instead wanted Aiden to see his mate’s lifeless body in the same fashion. He also kicked around the idea of trying to force Aiden to watch as we raped Ethan and see him die with his own eyes. I pointed out the Wolfsbane laced beer trick wouldn’t work a second time. That day at the bridge was a convenient coincidence of running across Ethan by himself.

I was actually going to kill someone. No matter how many times I say that, it doesn’t make sense to me anymore. No, that isn’t an accurate statement. I was going to beat, rape, and murder someone who had never done anything to me or to any of my friends. His only crime was to exist. I was going to do this to a person who had in fact given me a pass when I attacked him on the cross country trail. Ethan wanted to let the incident drop when the alpha asked what punishment he thought we should receive. I kind of saw that as weakness from him at first, but now I see it as a strength I never had. Why couldn’t I have been more like Tyler and walked away? Simple answer is at the time I didn’t want to change. I liked the person I was, but looking back at what I’d become I don’t understand how I liked myself.

I’m glad I’ve got my session with the shrink in less than an hour. After writing this entry, I really feel the need to talk to her. More so because of what I can’t write yet. The thoughts I’m having now are scaring me. The things I want to do to myself because of this really terrify me.