The Journal of Chris Williams - 6. Journal 6

Journal entry 6:

A lot more came out during my session than I was ready for. Doc had me taken to the medical center and placed on suicide watch as a precaution. I’d told her I deserved to die. Saying I had thoughts of killing myself for what I planned on doing to Ethan and what I’d done to others didn’t help matters. She immediately called for help when I dropped to the floor crying and tried to get my claw to form to slice my wrist. I don’t know if this was a cry for help, or if I would have really tried, but it was heard loud and clear. My mind is so messed up right now. I really want to die. They should have put me to death for what I did. Why didn’t they? I want to end my life anyway I can to stop these thought and the fucked up nightmares that haunt me. But I’m scared to die. Shit… I don’t know how to deal with everything we talked about today or what we didn’t.

I have to give the pen to the nurse for now. He was nice enough to let me write this, but they won’t let me keep any sharp objects. The doctor said they’re going to give me something to sedate me for the night. I didn’t think that stuff worked on lycan, but what do I know. I hope it’s a dreamless night. I’m terrified of being trapped in my nightmares.

Journal entry 7:

I’m sorry I haven’t written anything for a couple days. The sedative they gave me was a strong one. I’m still feeling a little groggy even though it’s been three days. One of the bad things about being a lycan is most drugs don’t work on us. I can’t just pop an anti-depressant to try and get my moods under control. I was rapidly spiraling out of control. They sedated me so I wouldn’t be a danger to myself or anyone else, and I understand that. It was really on the off chance my wolf took control as my human mind overloaded. I could have gone feral or hurt a bunch of people. Doc said being knocked out gave my mind time to reset itself. She’s spent a lot of time sitting with me and sometimes talking once I woke up. A few people from the pack also came by to sit with me so I wouldn’t be alone. I am feeling better at least. Maybe it’s from the drug finally working out of my system. I don’t want to die today. Well, not like I did the other day. I don’t feel like I want to kill myself is a more accurate statement. I hope I can hold this feeling. It scared me how much I did want to when they brought me here. I’m only a guest in the territory and this pack is taking such good care of me. When I get out of the hospital, I want to ask the alpha if there’s any additional community service I can do. Working seems to help clear my mind. It gives me something to focus on like my school work does.

One of my two escorts, Kyle, stopped by to check up on me. We sat and talked for a little while, mostly about school. He made sure I knew he wanted to check that I was doing okay. Before he had to go, he said he’d be back to talk again unless they let me out of the padded room first. His words were, “Don’t do anything rash since I’ve gotten used to you being around.” Seems like he is the closest thing I have to a friend here. I’m hoping this little episode doesn’t get me kicked out of the territory. Even with how great they’ve been to me, I worry about hitting a point where my problems are considered too much trouble to deal with. That’s more from the way I used to treat people I guess, as opposed to how the people here treat me. Actually, I like it here. If they ever allowed it, I wouldn’t mind joining this pack. I know it’s too soon to even think about that, and it’s the only pack outside of Parker Valley I’ve been around. I think I could be happy here. For people who are complete strangers to me, they seem to care and want to help me. When I questioned it, one of the leaders placed his hand on my shoulder. “You’re a wolf who’s hurting. You may have done some horrible things, but you show that you want to fix what you’ve done. You want to change and be a better person.” He was right. I do want to change, and I think I’ve started. I hope so anyways.

I just realized I wrote this entry the way I think Mom intended me to use the journal. It’s a nice change instead of just writing in it to get things started for my sessions with Doc. If I ever tell Mom about this, I know I’m going to get an, “I told you so,” from her with that knowing smile. Maybe I’ll use it both ways now. We’ll see.

Journal entry 8:

I missed a week of school because of my little episode with wanting to commit suicide or at least wanting to die. Thankfully, my professors are all pretty cool and allowed me to make up any of the work I missed. I know I’m not the first student to suffer from mental issues like depression or worse. I just finished the last of the assignments I missed and submitted it. I think I’ll get good grades on what I’ve done.

I spoke with Alpha Jennings today about doing additional work around here. It makes me feel good and I want to give back to my hosts. It’s strange since I would have considered doing stuff like this around Parker Valley beneath me. I’d have bitched the entire time I had to do the work. Actually, I did when I got assigned community service after the running track incident. I told the alpha how grateful I was for everything they have been doing for me and that it only seemed fair I do something to help out around the territory. There were a few things I’d seen as I was being escorted around that looked like they needed tending to. Doing community service work was something I agreed to in the terms of my exile agreement for Columbia River to take me in. This extra stuff I wanted to do in addition to that. I wanted to show I can be more than just an outcast with a lot of problems. If I’m lucky, let them see I can be useful. Earning a place here, even if I’m considered an omega is important to me for the first time. Becoming an omega is better than being nothing, which is technically what I am at the moment. I’m a wolf without a pack who’s living among others I can’t be a part of. Even with how nice people here are to me, I never realized how lonely a wolf can be.

From the way I used to act, it feels strange wanting to be elevated to the status of the lowest possible rank. But even with how demeaning the title’s considered, it would mean I have a home. That I belong. The things I gave up because of my stupidity I never thought could be taken away from me: my family, my home, and everything I thought identified who I was. I’d include friends in that list, but looking at how things were, the people I got along with were never really my friends. And the ones I should have been tight with didn’t like me because of how I acted. I kept my so called buddies through fear and intimidation. Sure, we joked around at times, went on runs together, and did other stuff. But we were never actually that close. It was the same with Michael. I considered him my best friend, but I can see now he never was. Most times he was an ass towards me. Abusive and threatening so I always fell into line and followed.

I want to get a little ahead on my reading for history class and I have a book to start for English Lit, so I’m going to end this for tonight. I also want to get some of my thoughts in order before writing more.

Journal entry 9:

I’m mentally stronger. Well, at least a little bit more each day since my breakdown. It makes me feel weak for having done that and needing to get locked up at the hospital for my own safety. Doc said she was sorry for pushing me on the things we talked about that day. She knew I wasn’t ready, but thought with a little prodding maybe I would get it out and it would help. There was no way she could have known how it would affect me. I didn’t know how it would affect me. She reminds me often enough things can’t get fixed in one session, and this will take time. Possibly a lot of time to work through my issues. But she promised to be with me every step of the way. I assured her I needed to talk about those things that day. It was eating at me like acid to flesh and I had to start getting it out in the open.

When I said how all this makes me feel weak, she tried to explain it using a building maintenance analogy. What she said was sometimes parts of a building get damaged: stairs broken, roof leaking, or wall studs rotting. Those parts are weak and make the structure fragile. It takes time to go through and find all the things that need to be fixed, but in the end the building is as strong as when it was new. She also told me that in time I would be stronger.

I sometimes wonder about the times I cry myself to sleep after writing in here or after one of my sessions with Doc. Are my tears the monster in the back of my mind leaving a little at a time? Maybe I will be able to look at myself in the mirror someday.