The Journal of Chris Williams - 20. Journal 20

Journal entry 28:

It’s been a couple months since I last wrote in here. I still meet with my therapist weekly, and we’ve discussed dropping it to biweekly or even monthly which is a good sign. Since meeting Rory, I hadn’t felt the need to write before my sessions. I feel surer of myself and I’m more comfortable talking openly to her no matter the subject. If Rory’s in town, he’ll occasionally go with me if I ask him to. He remains quiet at my side, holding my hand for the most part. Mom and Dad have also joined a few sessions via Skype. They know I don’t blame them for the early years of the Michael thing. It’s helping us rebuild the parent/son relationship once again.

I haven’t given up keeping a journal altogether. I began writing in another book now that it’s Rory and me. Besides, the blank pages were filling up fast in this one. I found I like writing about my experiences. I guess Mom was right when she gave me this one. I’ll never hear the end of it when she finds out, but someday I’ll thank her for it. Rory gave me a new journal for Christmas along with a wooden pen I love. It feels so natural in my hand as I write—aside from knowing it’s from him. He’s enjoyed reading the new one as our relationship grows, seeing my perspective on different things we do, and on my life while he finishes his last semester at school. Even though we talk a lot on the phone, Facetime, or text while he’s in Washington, it gives him more insight into my life here.

I take a lot of pictures when I’m with Rory or my friends. I found I have a love of photography. Corey and the guys bought me a really nice camera for my birthday. But I’ve gotten to where I can see the events more clearly when I write them down. Describing a particular scent or a feeling can’t be captured in a photo. On the super rare occasion an argument pops up, we’ve only had one so far, he’s let it go until after I’d written something. It gave us both time to cool down. I handed him the book and sat in another room as he read my thoughts. We discuss his side and mine before making up. We really need to fight more. The make-up part was enjoyable.

There are things we do together I never expected to or thought I’d comfortable enough to do with anyone, let alone my mate. Since we both thought we were at least bi when we met, we’ve had fun while we’re out checking out a beautiful woman or two. One woman got mad at us while we were skiing on Mount Hood, thinking we were objectifying women. Rory flat out told her he and his boyfriend enjoy pointing out beautiful women to each other. She immediately perked up at the thought of getting two handsome men, but we had to let her down. We’ve talked about maybe sharing an evening with one who wouldn’t mind two sexy men. Or if we find one who wants to help us with having pups of our own. I don’t think it’ll ever actually happen. I can’t see myself sharing him with anyone and I know he feels the same way. We find it amusing to see which women, and sometimes guy, the other finds attractive. All the while knowing we have the hots for each other far beyond what we could find anywhere else.

I discovered after we started dating Rory’s a joker and loves to make people laugh. He manages to look and act all innocent, but he’s not fooling me anymore. The nice thing is he always has me smiling if not outright laughing. As difficult as it is for us to delay nature at times, we’ve not had sex yet. Him being a jokester helps, since it takes away some of the built-up tension and leaves us grinning. We work hard to keep our wolves under control, since our mating drive is strong. There are days I want him to pin me down and claim what’s his, but I’m not mentally ready yet and he knows it.

In addition to being a jokester, Rory’s also a big time romantic. For Valentine’s Day, he took me to Portland. Even with the chill and some snow on the ground, we walked around the botanical gardens holding hands. Then he took me to an art museum, something I’d never done before. After that, it was a candlelight dinner in a beautiful restaurant. When we arrived at our hotel, one red and one white rose were on the bed. A chilled bottle of Champagne and two glasses waited in the sitting area along with chocolate covered strawberries. He gave me the most gentle, yet passionate kiss I could imagine and I melted into his arms. I feel so free to be myself with him. He sat on the couch and pulled me against his chest with an arm wrapped around me as we sipped the bubbly and nibbled on the berries. He also nibbled on the base of my neck with lots of kisses in that most sensitive spot. I know in time it’ll bare his mark, and I’ll wear it with pride knowing I’m his. He eventually took me to the balcony where we undressed each other. I’d seen him in underwear before, but this time we got naked before slipping into the Jacuzzi as we continued to make out. Did I mention he’s a romantic? I sigh with a happy smile whenever I think about it.

After drying off and going back inside, I told him how badly I wanted him and needed him to mate me, but my human side isn’t quite mentally ready even if my wolf keeps calling out for it. He knows I trust him and understands the issues with that level of intimacy I’m still working through. The way he reassured me there was no rush was so sweet. We’re mates and that will never change. It didn’t stop him from giving me three presents. He stressed they were not for right then; perhaps once we get our own place. When I opened them, I found two pairs of fur lined handcuffs, fur lined leather wrist cuffs, and leather scented candles. He gave me one of his innocent grins while telling me it didn’t hurt to start stocking up on things we might need later. I handed him the key to the handcuffs and said I wouldn’t need it, so he should keep it. Once they were locked on me, only he could take them off. I asked if the leather cuffs had locks as well.

I’m not sure what possessed me, but I glanced down at the gifts again and back at Rory. “What, I don’t get a collar to go with my cuffs?” He was a little flush when I gave him the key to the cuffs, but my comment about a collar caused his eyes to flash as he emitted the sexiest growl I’ve ever heard. Seconds later, he attacked my mouth with the most passionate kiss of the night. He pulled something out from under the bed and soon had it strapped around my neck. My fingers ran over the leather strap, feeling the buckle and a padlock hanging from it. I pressed the lock closed and handed him the key. “Yours, now and always.” I love seeing his eyes flash with love and lust. Little gifts like those bring a smile to both our faces just for the fun and anticipation of using them soon.

I found my mate likes leather and bondage play and I can’t wait to experience it with him. He mentioned an outfit or two he had before showing me a picture. Between the boots, cap, pants, and his chest exposed by the vest, he looked incredible in leather. I ran my fingers through his chest hairs. “I can’t wait to see you like that. I can’t explain why, but I want to kneel and rub my face on your leg wearing only my new collar.” I never thought of myself as submissive before, but I want to submit to my mate.

We talked for hours, and his gentleness took away any nerves I felt about going to bed with him for the first time. I fell asleep with his arms and legs wrapped around me, keeping me warm and protected, and completely surrounded by his wonderful scent. Not even my nightmares could get past my man.

Rory entering my live has been the best thing to ever happen to me. Coming to Columbia River is right behind. He’s helped me build more friendships with people here, and I’ve worked on that myself in his absence. All of his friends have taken to me very well, and I enjoy being around them. Kyle and Corey are two of my closest friends with Aaron being a close third. The guys I’ve met through them have been wonderful and accepting. Corey’s still the quiet guy, much like me, but he’s always got my back when I need it. If my actions ever stray, I know he’ll call me out.

It’s been fun to watch the relationship build between him and Kyle. Their scent is merging into one as the bond between them grows stronger. I mentioned getting to see them choose each other; knowing they’ll imprint if they haven’t already, seems more special than finding someone you are biologically destined for. They had to make the choice. Like Rory and me, they’re holding off for a little while to complete their mating. It’s great having another couple around and in Rory’s absence it helps me learn things about relationships I missed out on in my old life.

Because of all the people I’ve met, the term friend has a whole new meaning for me. Friends are people who are there for me and I am there for them. They help me grow as a person and call me out when I screw up, while helping guide me through my problems. Like Rory, they encourage me to be the person they know I can be.

It was with Rory’s support, plus Corey, Kyle, and Aaron, I formally petitioned to join the Columbia River Pack. All four stood at my side when I went before the alpha and pack council to submit my petition. All of our friends stood behind us in a show of support that made me feel incredible. In my old pack, it was something I took for granted. I was born into it, so I was a member by default. This time, I was asking for acceptance. It seemed like the council and group of elders had a thousand questions. I answered each one as best I could. When one member asked why I responded so quickly, I replied my answers were from the heart instead of taking time to think of the best one.

As is the custom with most packs, I had to wait to receive an answer. In a meeting of the full pack, I officially became a member of the Columbia River Wolf Pack. Mom and Dad had flown out to see me earn my place. When my mate told me a couple months ago I was home, he couldn’t have been more right. Rory, my friends, and this pack are my home.

Dad said they’d be moving over the summer, and it’ll be great to have them close. Rory already has a job offer here for after graduation, and we’re looking ahead to moving in together, our first home. Unless we turn wolf to complete our mating out in nature, lord help any neighbors we have on our first night in our own place. Especially if I talk him into using the cuffs and leather candles.

The pack meeting where I was admitted, I was one of several new members. They had extended invitations to every non-wolf lycan living within the territory. Just like spending time around Aaron changed my perspective about lunis, I’ve spent time around the other types of shifters. Getting to know them for who they are has been a wondrous experience. It’s a joy to see their animal form and run with them. I’m a little envious of the avians. Isn’t it every kid’s dream to fly? I had only heard stories about them but never seen one in person. To me, running through the forest is the most freeing sensation there is, but to see one of my new brothers or sisters soar above the treetops is an incredible sight. My views on lycan who are different have changed drastically in my time here. With the help of those around me, I see how they each add something to our community.

Kyle, Aaron, and Rory convinced me to finally write the apology letters to Tyler, Connor, and Kevin. They told me even if they didn’t respond, all three would know how I feel about what I did to them. It took me several tries before I mailed them. No email, no sending it on Facebook, or other social media. I used a pen and paper, placed it in an envelope, and mailed it the old fashioned way. I never asked them to forgive me, just said how I felt, and that I wanted to tell them I was sorry. I got emails back from all three and have been chatting back and forth a little bit since then. I’m glad they found happiness in their lives, and they are pleased I found my own contentment. With everything that happened in the past, they have gotten pretty close to Aiden and Ethan. They now have true friends which they need.

It took me a little longer to write the fourth letter I wanted. It was primarily to Ethan, although it was to Aiden as well. Like with the others, I did not ask for forgiveness. I offered Ethan my deepest apology for everything I had done to him and for what I had planned on doing. I told them how I had learned things about myself and as a result about him and Aiden. I let them know how wrong I was in my beliefs about their relationship. While I was disgusted with myself for all I had done and tried to do. It was meeting my boyfriend, my mate, that put the last pieces into place to understand them better. I told Aiden how I wished when I made my choice long ago about friends, that I had gone with him instead. It doesn’t change the years of fighting between us, but I now understand what a leader is and how he is a true leader.

I was a surprised when I received a letter in return from Ethan. Both he and Aiden thanked me for what I said and for taking the time to write it. Ethan told me he does forgive me for what happened, and he knew it took a lot for me to reach the point of being able to write. What really surprised me was they said since I had once been part of Parker Valley, they would like it if I could attend their upcoming wedding ceremony. Before I read any further, I thought while this started out as a nice letter from them it was actually some cruel joke. I’m banned for life from ever entering the territory. I should have known better though. As I continued reading, Aiden mentioned he had already cleared it with Alpha Stockdale, and I should be receiving word any day granting permission to attend. They actually petitioned for me to receive a pardon from the pack. Aiden said they wanted a chance to get to know the real me like they had with the other guys.

Rory was home for spring break and had his arms wrapped around me as I read the letter. The gentle kisses to the spot at base of my neck he knows I love so much drove me crazy. I pulled a smaller envelope out of the bigger one the letter arrived in, and it was an invitation to their wedding. On the RSVP card, it was already filled out with my name and checked “Yes” to attending with “Plus 1” also marked. A little post-it note brought a tear to my eyes. “Filled it out for you to make it easier, E.”

I showed it to my mate and he nodded before saying he would like to go if it was what I wanted. He would enjoy seeing where I grew up. But he’d understand if the memories there might be something I wanted to avoid. After a little discussion with the alpha, it was decided we would travel as part of his delegation to the wedding. We’d stay at Mom and Dad’s house while we were there. Rory grinned about sleeping in my childhood room. The twinkle in his eyes made me melt, suggesting this would give us ideas for when we decide to get married.

With Rory’s help, I settled on a major and plan to work with kids someday. I want to help those bullied and try to stop those picking on others. Maybe I’ll use photography hikes in the forest as a way of helping to work through problems with them. If I can stop one kid from following the path I did, I will consider it a success.

Life is never perfect and I will always have some growth to do. With Rory at my side, things seem pretty damn close to perfect as far as I’m concerned. I’m once again part of a pack, have true friends I can count on, and have the love of my mate. I couldn’t ask for anything more than where I am right now. For everything I left behind in my old life, all the pain I caused, I know the person I was no longer exists. The memories will always be with me as a reminder and a guide not to falter. I’m free to explore and learn about myself with the help of those I care about. Because of Rory, Kyle, Corey, and so many others, I can finally hold my head up with pride as I’m running with the pack.