Ian's Heart - 4. Chapter 4 - Ian

“Dad?” Paddy asked nervously.

I looked up from the vegetable I was chopping, “What’s up? Did you want to give me a hand?”

“Um, yeah, what can I do?” Paddy shifted his weight from left to right nervously.

“You can set the table, then take these plates with the meat. By that time the salad will be ready,” I smiled.

“Okay,” Pat said jittery, the poor kid. He’s still afraid to ask for things he wants. I wish he would settle, he’s become confident otherwise. There has to be a way I can find for him to trust me so he can feel comfortable asking for what he wants.

Paddy set the table and moved the meat plates. I lay the salad bowl on the table and smiled at Paddy before I sat down. We both filled our plates. Since Will had taken Paddy to boxing, he only eats healthy. Which as a Dad, I think it’s awesome, as a burger lover, not so much.

“So, what has you doing your nervous dance, you know you can always tell me anything?” I said warmly.

“I know,” he said staring at his dinner, “Liam, um, is…” Pat sighed, “Liam is organizing Will’s birthday at their Uncle David’s cabin in the mountains. He invited me…”

“Did you want to go?” Paddy nodded, looking at me hopefully, “Who else is going?”

“Oh, um… I didn’t ask, but I assume everyone from the lunch table.” Paddy shifted in his seat, nervous because he didn’t have the answer.

“Relax, Pat, I’ll speak with Liam tomorrow, and I’ll let you know when you get home from boxing, okay?” I saw Paddy relax as the tension in his shoulders dissipated.

“Thanks, Dad,” Pat smiled and dug into his dinner, “Oh, please don’t tell Will, I think it’s meant to be a surprise.”

<>-<>-<>

To: Liam

From: Liam

To: Liam

From: Liam

To: Liam

From: Liam

I unlocked my classroom door and sat at my desk, pulling the marked pop quizzes from my bag and sorted them from the first period to last to hand back to the students.

Knock! Knock!

“Mr. Wright, Sir,” One of the seniors, was standing in front of me.

“Hi, what can I do for you?” I smiled.

“Is the GSA meeting still canceled tonight?” He asked.

“Ah! Yes, sorry it is, Ms. Gardner can’t make it, nor can four other students. They’re going away for a debate competition. Can I help you with anything?”

“Oh! No, I just wanted to make sure, before I made any plans.” He said shyly.

“Hot date?” I asked chuckling.

“Maybe, the First date, I’m really nervous.” He said fidgeting.

“It’s the first date, you don’t need to be nervous. You just be yourself, and you’ll be okay. You're smart, you’re kind, and they wouldn’t have asked you out if they didn’t at least already like you. If you relax, the date will go smoothly. I promise.” I tried to assure him.

“You forgot to say I’m good looking,” he chuckled.

“I’m not allowed to say that,” I whispered, “but you have a mirror right?” I chuckled.

“Thanks, Teach,” with that he left grinning all the way out the door.

I shook my head and laughed. The bell rang, students piled into the lab and the day began.

<>-<>-<>

I walked into the diner, it was pretty much full with the after school crowd with a heavy traffic coming and going. I searched the place for Liam, I knew he was there because his Mustang was outside. He takes care of that thing like he does Will, they’re precious to him. When Liam’s father passed away, his Mom gave him the Mustang knowing his Dad would have wanted him to have it.

“Uncle Ian,” Liam called and smiled when he saw me, he stood as I approached and gave me a hug, “Sit, and we’ll order, I’ve been looking forward to this all day?” he chuckled. “I don’t often get to have burgers anymore. Since Will stopped all junk food, I only get healthy stuff. So this is a nice opportunity.” Liam said laughing.

“I know, Paddy, makes me feel bad for even eating a chocolate cookie,” I said rolling my eyes.

Liam laughed, “I know the feeling, they don’t even say anything. You just know they’re thinking it.”

I chortled, “Oh, really? You’re lucky, Pat will say something snarky,”

“I have to say thank you. Since you took him in, he’s really coming into his own. He’s still a little uncertain at times and gets nervous. But his confidence is really starting to build,” Liam smiled.

That was great to hear, I only really get to see the side of him at home. “You’re welcome, but I did it for Pat. Probably for myself a little too. He’s even getting that snarky mouth that you and Will have. I’m trying to break him of it, but he just laughs at me. God, I really love that kid. How anyone could have been so cruel to him and break his spirit the way they did. It just kills me thinking about it.”

“I know right, but he’ll get there,” Liam assured me, “At least they arrested that last lady he lived with.”

Our server came to the table, “Hey guys, what’ll it be?” she asked smiling.

“Burger with the lot?” Liam asked pointing at me. I nodded vigorously, “Two burgers with the lot, we are being sneaky so make ‘em good. We won’t get another one for months,” Liam laughed, “Oh and fries, we’ll definitely both need fries.”

“Got it, two burgers with everything, extra grease. And a heart attack’s worth of fries.” She recited our order back grinning, “I assume two huge glasses of black death to wash it down, if you’re going to be naughty, you might as be good at it.”

“Marry Me?” Liam proposed with his hands clasped over his heart.

The girl laughed, “You can show your appreciation with a big tip, it’ll be cheaper for you. I’m studying to be a lawyer, and I’d feel guilty testing my legal knowledge out on our divorce.”

“Okay, just the burgers, fries and colas. Keep it within my budget.” Liam chuckled.

The server left, Liam’s a funny guy. He’s laid back and easy to get along with, he’s very quick witted and charming. The ladies in the admin office are always swooning after he’s been there. I think Ms. Abrahams even has a little crush on him.

“So what were your questions?” Liam asked.

“Just standard parenting ones, I guess. How many are going? Where exactly are you going? Is Sasha going to be there? Will there be any parental supervision? That kind of thing.” I said shrugging.

“Okay, let’s see, there will be seven of us I think, just the usual suspects. Um… It’s Will’s Uncle David’s cabin, up in the mountains, it’s about three hours away. Sasha is going to be there, but I’ve been told there is a room with bunk beds, they’ll be sleeping in there. Will’s cousins are coming from Florida for the weekend, I think they’re close to thirty. Apparently, they offered to come instead of Uncle David crashing Will’s birthday.” Liam still trying to recall any other information, “I can swing by your place and pick up Paddy’s bag then I’ll pick Pat and Will from Boxing Friday night and drive straight there. We are taking Dad’s SUV, I don’t want to risk any mechanical difficulties with the truck or Mustang. Also, I don’t want Will catching on. We’ll be home late Sunday evening.”

“That sounds okay, it’s not that I don’t trust you guys. But…” I said contritely.

“I get it, you’re Pat’s Dad. You only want him to be safe and happy. Same as Mom, Dad and Papi does for Will and me.” Liam nodding in understanding.

“Thanks, Liam,” I said appreciatively.

Liam waved me off like it was par for the course. The server put our meals and drinks in front of us.

She smiled, “I had them put extra greasy goodness in there for you. I hope you enjoy.” She put one last plate down with a big smile on her face, “The kitchen made an error with another order, so I grabbed these loaded fries for you. Might as well make a cheat day count, I reckon.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to marry me?” Liam asked her again.

“I’m sure, but don’t think I don’t appreciate the attention,” she winked at Liam and smiled my direction, “Enjoy gentlemen,” and she sauntered off.

Liam picked up his burger took an enormous bite, “Oh Gob, giss is sooo gawd.” He said with a mouthful and his eyes rolling back in his head. I actually giggled, like a little school girl. This kid really is hilarious. I tried a bite of the burger, he was right this is the best burger I’ve tasted in a long time.

“I fink yor wight, vis is fanpaspic,” I said back with a mouthful.

Liam’s eyes smiled as he swallowed, “Told yah!” while he dipped a loaded fry in the ranch dressing.

“Uncle Ian, hey, Uncle Ian? Are you okay, what’s wrong? You kind of left the building for a second?” Liam asked concerned, putting the burger down. He reached across the table and gave me my water.

“Yeah, I think so. I keep getting this fluttering in my chest, and my stomach flip flops. Kind of like I have forgotten something important, or when you know, something is going to happen. It happened the other night too. I was going to go to the doctors, but it didn’t happen again. It doesn’t hurt, it kind of knocks my breath out of me.” I said frowning.

“Maybe you should see a doctor,” Liam brows furrowed.

“Hmm… I think you might be right,” I agreed.

<>-<>-<>

When I came home from dinner, Pat wasn’t due for another half hour. So I put a load of clothes to wash, made myself a cup of tea and grabbed a couple cookies from my stash and watched the news. Pat had keys, so I didn’t have to get up to the door when he came home. As soon as I heard the key in the lock, I shoved the last cookie in my mouth and chewed furiously waiting to hear the front door close.

“Paddy is that you?” I called out. I listened to the light switch go on in his room.

“No, I’m a fugitive on the run. I just need to stash my drugs in your house, and I’ll be on my way,” he said loudly as he came down the hallway.

I smiled when I saw his face, “Hey son, how was training?”

He dropped onto the couch next to me, he grinned, “It was good, the trainer was showing Will and me how to hold our weight while we sparred against each other. It was fun,”

“I’m glad you’re enjoying it,” I said proudly.

“Um… Dad, if you’re gonna sneak cookies. Maybe you should get rid of the evidence.” Pat swiped the front of my shirt and crumbs flew onto the couch. Now I have to get the hand vac out.

“Says the fugitive stashing drugs in my house,” I laughed, “It was just one cookie,” Paddy raised his eyebrow at me, “fine it was two. You kids and your healthy flipping diets, it was just three cookies.”

Paddy laughed, “Just three huh?”

I waved him off, “I spoke with Liam after school, you can go with them to the cabin for Will’s birthday.”

“But…” he said looking at the television.

“There’s no but.” My voice went higher at the end, I’m such a sucky liar, “only one concern,”

Paddy looked at me sideways, to see if I was telling the truth. Then turned his head to focus on me, “Sasha?” he asked frowning.

“Don’t frown it's no big deal, besides, you’ll get wrinkles.” I chortled.

Paddy sighed and waited for my to continue.

“I know this is uncomfortable to talk to me, but we need to…”

He cut me off, “You’re not going to have the birds and bees talk with me, are you? Because I’m positive it’s all been covered in health class, or movies, or the internet.”Pat chuckled uncomfortably.

“Nope worse! The emotional, respect and consequences one,” I answered.

“Ugh! You know I can beat you up right?” he replied.

“I have no doubt, but we’re still going to have this talk,. That’s a lie, I’m going to mostly talk, and you’re going to mostly listen. Questions are encouraged.” I said seriously, “I know you are used to being on your own and keeping things to yourself. But for my own peace of mind, I’d like to talk about this.”

“Why?” Paddy asked softly, fidgeting with a thread on his shorts.

“Because I love you, and you’re a great kid, and I want you raised right.” I stopped him from pulling his pants apart at the seam. “You’re fifteen now Pat, I was too once. I had James, hormones, and a lot of free time that we spent together. Do you love Sasha?”

“I don’t know, I think so. I love spending time with her, you know as a couple.” He said shyly.

“Okay, that’s a start. Pat, I just want to make sure you respect Sasha, she’s also only fifteen. A fifteen-year-old's heart can break so easily. Not just hers but yours too. Son you’ve been through so much at such a tender age, I fear for you. Take it slowly, handle yourself like the man you want to become. What kind of person do you want to be in a relationship?”

“I want to protect her, make sure she’s safe and happy. I love that feeling I get in my stomach or heart when I hold her, the way she looks at me when I wrap around her.” Pat answered quietly and embarrassed.

I lifted his chin, “Don’t be embarrassed, it makes me happy you feel that way. That’s how it should feel, giving yourself to someone else, but don’t forget about yourself too. Don’t get me wrong, I love Sasha, she’s a little firecracker, but it can’t be just you giving and her taking. Not that I’m suggesting that, that’s what’s happening. You both come from such different family dynamics. And your personalities are very different, your quiet and reserved, and she’s a fireball of angst. Why do you think you need to protect her?”

Pat chuckled, “Have you met her sassy ass mouth?”

“Yes, yes I have!” I laughed, “She’s got to be a handful, for sure,” Paddy smiled at my comment nervously.

“But seriously Pat, her life experiences are very different from yours. She comes from a family that loves her, she’s never had to worry about where her next meal is coming from. Sasha’s never had to be nervous to go home because she doesn’t know if things are going to be violent. I’m pretty sure she hasn’t ever had to sleep with shoes on in case she needed to escape in the middle of the night.” I paused a minute, I didn’t want to upset Paddy. He shifted nervously in his seat. “Have you shared any of this with her?”

“No,” Pat murmured quietly.

“Why not Paddy?”

“I… um… don’t want her to see me as broken. She’ll look at me differently,” Pat said ashamed.

“Oh, sweetheart, I don’t think she’ll see you as broken, I know I don’t. But your experiences make you react to certain things differently than how she would. What she may see as just a little glitch, could be monumental to you. Or vice versa.” I said sensitively.

“I guess,” he whispered, I almost missed it.

“Look, I’m not saying get a case of verbal diarrhea, just slip some of the things that have happened to you into the conversation when you're alone occasionally. I know your confidence is growing, but I understand you don’t want to talk about the past. But at some point, she’s going to need to know some of this. Otherwise, Sasha will never understand who you really are. Do you trust her with knowing things about you, you don’t want others to know?”

“I’m sure I could, but it’s hard. I don’t like people knowing some of the things I’ve had to do. Or that I couldn’t handle myself.”

“Paddy, love, things are so very different for you now, than they were months ago. I know you still worry sometimes or afraid that if you mess up, I’ll send you away. But you have no need, short of you becoming a violent serial killer, you aren’t going anywhere. I love you, I’m keeping you.”

Paddy smiled bashfully, “Thanks, Dad,”

“You have to remember, all this stuff happened when you were a kid. You’re becoming a good young man Pat. Maybe one day, you’ll be able to let your past go, not have it inflict upon how you live in the now. Try and let it be fuel to drive you instead of feeling like it’s holding you back. You have nothing to be ashamed about Paddy, believe me. I know we’ve talked about this before, but if you ever need someone to talk to and you can’t talk to me. We’ll find someone you're comfortable with okay?”

“Sure, thanks, Dad, I’ll think about it,” Pat said with a sullen smile.

“But talk to Sasha love, you two are close, let her judge what she can and can’t handle. Otherwise, you might find yourself protecting your way right out of a relationship. She won’t understand why you are the way you are. Let her in a little, maybe she’ll do the same for you. I really think it will make you guys closer.” I said. Pat looked so vulnerable. I leaned over and gave him a hug.

“God, I really do need a chiropractor every time we hug,” I said chuckling while we hugged. I felt Pat’s body shake as he laughed. That’s better.

“Do you miss James, Dad?” Pat asked out of nowhere.

“Oh my God yes, every single day. He was so sick and in a lot of pain at the end though, as much as I wanted him here… I didn’t want him to suffer anymore.” I said wistfully, remembering how he felt, the warmth of his body against me.

“How long ago did he pass away,” Pat asked gently.

“Close to eight years ago,” I answered still thinking, shit, has it really been that long.

“How come you never date, you don’t even look at other men when we go out?” He really does know what questions to ask to stump me, doesn’t he?

“I tried to date a little a couple of years back, but it wasn’t even close to being the same as it was with James. It kind of felt like I was cheating on him. God that sounds ridiculous doesn’t it?”

“I don’t think so, I can’t even imagine how much that must have hurt you, Dad,” Pat paused for a minute, I didn’t know what to say, “But it wouldn’t be cheating, would it? He’s been gone a long time. And maybe the whole point is that it doesn’t feel the same as it did with James.”

“What do you mean?” I asked worried what the answer would be.

“Well, he was the love of your life.” Pat stated, “Maybe there’s another one out there for you. Someone who will be different. Ugh, I don’t know how to say this without sounding like a naïve stupid kid.” Pat said hanging his head.

“Just say it, and we’ll muddle our way through to find what you're trying to say. I won’t be offended or get upset. So speak, tell me what you’re thinking?” I said confidently, my heart heavy no-one could ever compare to James.

“Well, okay, um… if you are trying to find someone to have a relationship with and it to be just like it was with James. I could understand how that would feel like cheating. But what if there is someone who was different from that. A completely different relationship, I’m sure you’re a different person to who you were when you were with James. Someone who is fun, someone who could make you want to live life, someone who makes you step out of your comfort zone. Someone you could love just as much, but the relationship is different is all.”

“I never thought about it like that. I’ve always just wanted what I had with James back I guess. I actually understand what you’re saying. I don’t think it’s naïve, it’s smart and thoughtful. Sometimes it’s hard to see a way out Pat. I was depressed a long time after James passed away.” I looked away from Pat for a second to gather myself, I blew out a breath and continued, “I was so bad at one point my folks had to step in to help me cope. It still hurts to imagine my life without him sometimes even though it’s been gone a long time.”

“I just don’t want you to be alone anymore Dad and don’t say your not because you have me. It’s not the same, and you know it,” Pat said firmly, “I want you to have what Uncle John and Uncle Bill have, or Will and Liam. You’re a grown man, don’t you miss having sex?” Pat’s entire face went red immediately after saying the latter. I couldn’t help but chuckle in my head. This has to be so hard for him, to talk to me about this kind of stuff. But since he brought it up, I’ll use it to my advantage.

“Sex is good, but it’s not everything. Sex can be emotionless, you know a way to scratch an itch. What I miss the most, is hugging, snuggling and cuddling, the way it felt when James would come up from behind and wrap me in his arms. There’s nothing like it. The kisses, every kind of kiss is emotional, that’s where you get the butterflies and that feeling or need that can only come from a partner. That is where you’ll get the most intimate emotional connection from. I think anyway.” God, I miss James.

“I like that too,” Pat agreed quietly.

“I’m not saying wait until you get married to have sex, Pat. Having sex is one thing, but having sex with someone you love is a whole different ball game. It changes everything, please believe me on this. If you and Sasha find yourselves in the situation where it’s just hormones running rampant, pull back. Slow yourselves down, find a distraction for a little while, so you can think more clearly. I know this is a big ask, but there’s nothing wrong with going slowly.” I said passionately.

“We are though Dad, I promise you,” Pat said sincerely.

“Just ask yourself this, if you did have sex and then Sasha regrets it, or you regret it. How would that make you feel?”

“Like shit, I imagine,” Pat answered without thinking.

“I’m sure you both would, and you can’t take it back Pat. Once it’s done, it’s done.”

“God, this is all so hard, how are we supposed to know when it’s right?” Pat asked probably more to himself than to me.

“Candidly? You’re really asking?” I asked him.

“Might as well, this conversation couldn’t get any more horrifying. But who else is going to help me figure this shit out,” Pat said frustrated.

“Talking to me isn’t really that bad is it?” I asked a little hurt.

“Yes!” he chuckled, “No I don’t suppose it is. But you’re my Dad, it feels weird talking to you about this stuff.”

“It’s a tough subject to navigate with anyone,” I answered, “if you talk to your friends, they may give you a hard time because talking about your feelings can get tricky. Kids your age these days they tend to treat sex as a competition. I don’t want you to feel that way. It’s private and should stay that way, and I will find a way to kick your ass if I hear you boasting about any conquests with anyone. It’s disrespectful and unfair, keep it to yourself. And I know you understand me.”

“Sure,” Pat answered, “So what am I supposed to do?”

“Ask me, I won’t judge you. I’ll help you navigate your feelings, I’ll never laugh at you or give you a hard time. I’ll also won’t tell you what to do or be angry about it, unless you have unsafe sex, that I certainly will give you hell for. I can answer clinical questions, but I can help you other ways too.” I said, feeling a little awkward.

“Okay, how?” He asked.

“You want some advice about having sex?” I said. Pat nodded.

“Alright, sex can be awkward and horrible at first, and for Sasha, it will hurt. You may get a few false starts, where she doesn’t want to continue. Be respectful of her feelings, you love her. I can give you a few websites with valid information on how to prepare your partner, so you don’t have to listen to me talk about it if you prefer,” I offered sincerely.

“Thanks, Dad, I don’t know if I’d survive that conversation with you.” Pat smiled uncomfortably.

“But the good news is, that it gets better,” I gave him a warm smile, “Please don’t make a point of needing to use this for quite some time.” I chuckled, “Get to know the person, let her get to know you before you even attempt to have sex. Take your time and explore each other’s bodies what you like, what you don’t like. I promise that part can be a lot of fun. Listen to her, but also her body, and how it responds to your touch. If you do that, you’ll know how to make the first time memorable and something you both won’t regret. If you do that with any partner you have, whether it’s your first time or first time with them, it should be a good experience. And I know you don’t want to hear this, but if you have any questions come to me, I’ll answer them.” As I was talking, I knew Pat was listening even though he wasn’t looking at me. He was taking it seriously. My heart filled with pride. He’s such a good kid.

“Dad, can I ask you a question?” Pat asked cautiously.

“Of course, I’ll answer truthfully, I won’t lie even if it’s uncomfortable.”

“Um… have you ever slept with a girl?” He asked staring at a spot on the carpet.

“No, no I haven’t. I’ve known I was gay since, well, forever it feels like. Don’t get me wrong, I respect women, their intelligent creatures and most beautiful. But I have absolutely no attraction to them what so ever.” I wonder if that bothers him some? “Does it bother you that I’m gay?” I asked.

“It’s not high on my GAF list when I meet a person. I care more about how they treat others or handle themselves when they’ve screwed up and know it.” Pat answered.

I chortled, “What’s a GAF list?”

Pat’s face went bright red, I pointed at him and laughed, “Now you have to tell me?”

“Give a F***!” he mumbled, then covered his face with his hands.

“I’m shocked you know that word!!” I said in mock horror, “I’ve never used that word,”

Pat uncovered his face and looked me right in the eye, his voice a higher octave and teasing, “You used something that sounded very similar last week when that guy cut you off over on Elm,”

“Yeah well, he was a dick,” I murmured, “You are now released from this hell,”

Pat rolled his eyes and stood to go back to his room. He walked behind the couch, then hugged me over the top it, “Thanks, Dad, and for what it’s worth. I don’t think I’m ready for all of that yet. I also hope you find someone to love as much as you did James some day soon. You deserve it.”

“I hope so too, and I’ll think about what you said. I love you, and thank you for talking to me.” I put my hand over his as it rested on my chest, smiling. Pat kissed the top of my head and went to his room. That’s my son, and I couldn’t be prouder.