The Hidden Ones: Resurrection - 9. Hurt

---Teddy---

I regret a lot in my life so far. Letting Ryder slip through my fingers. Allowing popularity to run my life for so long. Wasting years and years wallowing in self-pity. And yet none of them compare to the regret I feel for being absent in Oliver’s life. Between undergrad, medical school, residency and working in the E.R. I just could never find the time, no, I didn’t bother trying to. I let my work get in the way of my brother, and even worse, I used the fact that he loved Messiah to justify the rift between us. I was childish. I let my hatred for Ryder clog my love for Oliver. But not anymore, no matter what happens with Ryder I’ll always be there for Oliver.

“Stop looking at me like that you butt!” Oliver yelped from across the table, drawing an elbow from our mom.

“You have spinach between your teeth.” I shrugged, happy to find a quick explanation for my stare.

“And you have ugly on your face.” He spit back, as mom grabbed his arm to prevent him from digging into his mouth with his hand.

To think, we were having such a great day of bonding before this, but then again it doesn’t get much more Oliver than childish insults and teasing. “Did you thank your brother for picking you up from school and watching you at the hospital?” Dad asked, trying to quickly diffuse Oliver’s insults.

“Thank you Teddy.” He forced out in a mumble.

“You’re welcome!” I replied in a loud voice, knowing it would get under his skin.

My mom rolled her eyes and sighed. We’re brothers we’re going to push each other’s buttons! But unlike before now we’ll have each other’s backs, I know we will. “So what did you do while Teddy was in surgery?” Dad asked, freezing both me and my mom.

“Just did some homework in the waiting room.” Oli shrugged, quickly looking down at his food so his face wouldn’t show he was lying. “Mom could’ve picked me up faster. I was stuck near sick people.” He muttered, doing his best to sell the lie.

“Oliver.” My dad sternly let out. “Don’t forget what thin ice you’re on.”

“Sorry.” He exhaled slowly looking up. As our eyes met I gave him a nod of approval letting him know he had done well.

It’s not that we like lying to our dad but the anger that would follow him finding out our secret, well it just wouldn’t be worth it. He gets angry enough as it is when he hears Messiah on the radio or sees Oli wearing one of their shirts. I can’t help but wonder if it’s more than the fact that Ryder hurt me. That maybe in some way Ryder hurt him too.

As dinner finished up I went straight to bed. I know I slept in today, but damn operating on someone really wipes you out. Especially when you have to look the patient in the eyes after they wake up and tell them their husband passed. I know a lot of doctors lie about it until their patients get better, but I could never do that. I could never keep something that big from someone.

Yet, that’s a heavy price to pay. As I laid in bed all I could see was the hurt in her eyes. Ever since I made it through medical school gore doesn’t really bother me anymore. I could look at ten different accident scenes and eat lunch right after it, but seeing emotional pain, seeing someone’s will being snapped right in front of me, that’s something I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to.

*************************************************************************************

Eventually I was able to fall asleep but when I finally woke up I realized I was running late, like a good two hours late! But for as anal as I am about having as many doctors at work as possible I knew it was going to be okay. Besides after yesterday’s procedure I know I won’t be called into surgery for another day or two. It’s a nice policy we have in place to help doctors take a rest after those really hard days. Think about it, I’ve had to perform surgery, well I don’t even know how many days in a row! Would you really want an exhausted surgeon operating on you? Then again, I’ve done much more in much smaller amounts of time.

Like a bat out of hell I ripped through my morning routine and flew to the hospital, eager to minimize my slip up as much as possible.

“Dr. Haner with his first late day in four years.” Nate teased, seeing me step out of the elevator and to the reception desk. “What gives?”

“Surgery yesterday wiped me out.” I shrugged, not eager to go into detail with him.

“I thought it was your off day?” He asked, trying his hardest to start up a conversation. “Come in to see your buddy upstairs?”

“I came in because there was work to be done.” I let out, finally looking back over to him. “And there still is so how about we both get to it?”

“Alright, calm down Charlie Brown, I needed to tell you Dr. Pierre was looking for you. No doubt about the resident rock star.” He exhaled, beginning to walk away. “Don’t worry I told him you were in a meeting. I’ve always got you covered Dr. Haner.” He nodded disappearing around the corner.

I let out a long sigh and quickly made my way to the elevator. What the hell could he want from me? I know I told them if they have a problem with Ryder to let me know, but from what I can tell he’s been good so far. Besides, I’m a trauma surgeon not a psychiatrist, as much as I love to help up there, well unless I’m cutting someone open I’m not all that helpful!

As the elevator door opened I heard the soft sound of a guitar carrying through the air. “Come! Come!” Cait quickly waived as she saw me. The second she grabbed my arm she began to pull me to the small room used for group therapy. Suddenly the guitar wasn’t the only thing I heard.

I felt my jaw drop as a familiar voice filled the air. I-I, it’s been so long since I’ve heard him sing in person. The second I walked into the room I saw him sitting there gently playing the guitar and singing, lost in his own world. His audience was mainly made up of fellow patients, some incredibly invested, some barely understanding what was happening. There were some nurses or other doctors there, amazed by Ryder’s raw talent.

Suddenly his eyes shifted to mine, and I saw a sight more painful than anything else I’d ever seen. Just like when we were kids, music was the gateway to his soul except now, now that soul is in shambles. And as he reached the chorus I could feel my own soul begin to break. It was so dark and hopeless. Almost as though everything from our past had pushed him to the edge. It was clear he was showing his pain through his song.

“This was the only way we could get him out of his room today.” Dr. Pierre explained, slowly shuffling next to me. “He hasn’t even said anything yet, just sung. He is quite good though.”

“You want me to talk to him?” I exhaled, looking from Ryder to him.

“If you think you can break through to him.” He nodded. “Theodore, I know you’re close to him so I won’t lie. His case is bad. Like one of the worst I’ve ever seen.”

“He’s always been like this.” I swayed my head. “He gets really low for a day, then he’s fine for a while.”

“Except he’s only fine when you’re around.” He sighed, trying his hardest to help me understand the severity of Ryder’s illness. “Sure, he’s been talking during therapy, and he’s tried in group once or twice, but something needs to break here.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” I nodded my head. But before I could say anything else one of the patients quickly rushed up to me.

“Dr. Haner!” She shouted getting a little too close for comfort. “Dr. Haner it’s been forever since you visited!”

“It’s only been four days Sarah.” I smiled, trying my hardest to sneak some space between us without her noticing. “But I’m sorry, I’ll try and come say hi more often.”

“Good, good.” She nodded her head. “Because we all missed you here.” A few patients behind her overheard her words and nodded their heads.

“Well you have to understand Dr. Haner has his own patients.” Dr. Pierre spoke up. “He’s a very busy man. You guys are lucky that he comes to see you all as often as he does.”

“I’m not that important.” I let out as a blush started to fill my face.

“Sure you are!” Sarah let out. “Oh! I have to tell you my plan to get the frogs out of my head.”

“Oh yeah? What is it?” I asked, seeing Dr. Pierre shake his head in frustration. Sarah’s schizophrenia has been somewhat of an anomaly around here these past few months. She’s shown amazing signs of improvement but then immediately falls right back to her delusions of grandeur.

“I’m going to put chocolate under my pillow so when I’m sleeping they come out of my head.” She happily nodded, proud of her plan.

“But Sarah, frogs don’t eat chocolate.” I pointed out as her head began to hang. “That’s okay though. I think that you should keep trying the medicine Dr. Pierre is giving you. I really really think they’ll get the frogs out.”

“But they make me act like a dog.” She groaned, trying to explain the normal dry tongue side effect of schizophrenic medication.

“That’s okay,” I began, starting to comfort her once more. Before I knew it I had a small crowd of patients eager to talk to me, but Ryder was nowhere to be found.

*************************************************************************************

When I had finally spoken to enough of them I slowly began to edge to the door and said my quick goodbyes. The psych ward really is one of my favorite places. I never had much interest in being a psychiatrist, but some of these people just need someone to talk to sometimes, and at the least, I can do that.

“Hey.” I let out, slowly opening Ryder’s door. “How are you feeling today?” I asked but got no response. As I wheeled the chair next to his bed and took a set I saw the familiar glazed over eyes he wore as a child. “I heard you’re having a rough day.” I exhaled, trying my hardest to recall how I used to handle this as a kid. How is it possible that I was better at this when I was seventeen? I’ve been to medical school for god’s sake! Then again it’s not the depression that’s the hard part; it’s seeing someone I care about go through it that gets to me. With a shaky hand I reached out and grabbed his hand, he tried to pull it away at first but I refused to let go. “It’s okay. I’m here with you, and I-I forgive you. I mean that.”

A few minutes of silence passed before I slowly began to stroke his hand. “Oli told me everything you said to him yesterday. I, thank you. I don’t think you understand what a troubled kid he is.” I sighed, starting to find a rhythm. “I don’t understand it. We gave him the world, everything he wanted for Christmas or his birthday me or my parents bought him. We take him to concerts, or the movies, but still, we can’t break through to him. I’m so scared about the path he’s going down.”

“He doesn’t want stuff.” Ryder forced out, finally speaking. “He wants to be heard. He gets compared to you a lot, doesn’t he?”

“I-I guess so.” I shrugged, but knew the real answer. My parents do force him into my shadow, and I guess I do too.

Ryder let out a deep sigh and shook his head. “He’s not you Teddy. He’s like Blake, he wants to be loud and change the world. He’s a punk and he’s proud of it.” He explained, somehow nailing Oliver after only a couple of hours of sitting with him. “Don’t force him into a box he has no place being in. I see it with the kids I meet all the time. He’ll only walk away hating you and your parents for it.”

“Is that why you spent the rest of your energy talking to him?” I asked, but got no response. “Ryder.” I pressured.

“I didn’t spend the last,”

“Ryder.” I repeated in a strict voice.

“Yeah.” He confessed. “But he’s a good kid, it was worth it.”

“Are you just saying that because he brought you McDonald’s?” I asked, drawing a small laugh from him that quickly turned into a cough.

“That didn’t hurt his case.” Ryder shrugged.

I felt him lightly squeeze my hand almost as though he was making sure I was actually there with him. “You did get one thing wrong about Oli though,” I began as he finally turned his head towards me. “he’s not like Blake, he’s like you.”

Before he could say anything I heard the door behind me open, and instantly pulled my hand away. “It’s good to see you talking Mr. Sullivan.” I heard Dr. Pierre greet as he stepped into the room. “Maybe with Dr. Haner here we can actually get somewhere today.”

“Let’s take it slow with him Barry.” I advised as he wheeled a chair next to me.

He nodded his head, and held out a small cup with a pill in it. “Why haven’t you been taking your anti-anxiety medication?”

Ryder turned to look back at the ceiling and grew quiet. “Ryder, I know you’re spent but you have to speak.”

“It makes me feel robotic.” Ryder sighed. “I don’t like it.”

“Well in that case we’ll lower the dosage.” Barry replied, quickly writing something down. “It’s okay if the medication we give you doesn’t work right, but you have to let us know that.”

“I don’t like this pill at all.” Ryder groaned finally starting to open up. “I don’t think it’s going to work for me.

“Well it has a high success rate so let’s give it a fair chance.” Barry explained. “Dr. Haner can tell you about his personal success with it.” The second I heard those words I couldn’t help but quickly turn to him and shoot a serious gaze. “I-I’ve said too much,” he stuttered. “I apologize, Nurse Nathan might have given me some false information.”

“What type of information?” Ryder asked, looking over to us. “And Teddy, why are you on anti-anxiety medicine?”

“Don’t worry about either of those things right now.” I sighed. “You stay focused on yourself right now.”

Barry quickly nodded his head in support of my words and forced eye contact with Ryder. “I don’t know much about your band, but I’ve seen fans lining up outside this hospital all day every day since you got here. Everyone from babies to full grown adults. You’re not going to let them down. We’re not going to let you.” Barry warned, beginning to get serious. Ryder went to turn away again, but I grabbed his arm to stop him.

“I see the guilt you’re holding onto, and I understand it.” He continued, thankful to be making eye contact with his patient. “You tried to kill yourself after all. It’s going to be some time until you can forgive yourself for that, but all the staff here forgive you, and all your fans forgive you. So don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re only human.” Once more Ryder refused to speak.

“Ryder,” I exhaled, not sure where to begin. “Do you remember our deal?” I asked, beginning to form an empty threat. “I’m here with you, I keep visiting, I’ve held up my end, now it’s time for you to as well.”

“I’m trying.” He finally spoke. “But I,” he drifted off as Barry nudged me to keep pressuring him.

“But you?”

“But I don’t have Messiah anymore, I-I don’t have music anymore.” He exhaled in a quiet breath. “I’ve always leaned on music and now it’s gone.”

“Why’s it gone?” Barry asked as I leaned back and let him take over.

“Just is.” Ryder shook his head. “I finished my story. Volume eight was all I had left to write. The second we released it my mind shut off, it was just done, and so was I.”

“But you went on tour after it, correct?” Barry continued, trying his hardest to keep Ryder talking.

“It wasn’t the same.” Ryder exhaled. “Even our last show was just, blah. It wasn’t fun anymore, I-I’m not having fun anymore. The love is gone.”

“So after you retired the band you lost your purpose and started having suicidal thoughts?” The doctor asked, trying his hardest to paint a picture.

“I’ve had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember.” Ryder admitted in a broken breath. “But I never had plans until after Messiah was gone.”

“Messiahs been gone a while though.” I spoke up, recalling the weeks and weeks of overdramatic Oliver. “Like it’s been what, nearly a year?”

Barry quickly wrote something down as he heard those words. “A year without purpose, that sounds like a very hard task.”

Ryder tried to turn away but I gripped his arm tighter, trying my hardest to force an answer out of him. “I had a purpose.” He finally confessed. “I-I wanted to get clean.”

My grip on his arm grew weaker as I heard those words. “Well that’s very inspiring.” Barry quickly comforted. “Then let’s get back to that purpose. We already have you scheduled to meet with an addiction specialist, and,”

“Th-that wasn’t the purpose.” Ryder interrupted in a shaky breath. “I, it was just step one. I thought if I got clean and came home, if I could pull myself back together that maybe Teddy would accept me again.” I grew quiet and pulled my hand away from him as I heard his words. “You’re the only thing I have left Teddy.” He confessed, fully hitting rock bottom.

Silence filled the air as I sat there speechless. “Well Ryder it’s really not healthy to have your purpose linked to another person. We have to work on getting,” He began but his words quickly turned to static in my ears. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t know that, it’s not like his letter didn’t say it, but hear him talking about it, hearing him confess it. It’s just, wow.

“Isn’t that right Dr. Haner?” Barry asked as they both turned back to me.

“Oh, yeah.” I quickly nodded my head. “Yeah.” I repeated to the unknown question.

“See, you have plenty of support.” Barry comforted, standing up and grabbing his chair. “So you need to start fighting for yourself, no one else here can, no matter how much you want them to.” Ryder nodded his head, understanding the message. “Christmas is in four weeks. I plan to have you out of here in two.” The doctor explained walking out of the small room.

“You’re lucky to be getting that long.” I spoke up, seeing the concern in his eyes. “I’ve seen this place try and throw out dying cancer patients in much less time.” He nodded his head but remained quiet. “We’ll find you a place, and a job you like. Two weeks will feel like a different life, I promise.”

He nodded his head but kept his eyes on me. “I can’t do any of this until we talk.” He finally let out, gripping onto the side of his mattress.

“About?” I asked, shooting him a worried look.

“Everything that’s happened and everything that will happen.” He exhaled, bravely looking right into my eyes. “Back then I didn’t know,”

“Ryder,” I interrupted, shocked that he was jumping head first into it. “You need to rest, and I have work I need to do. It’s bad enough I was late today.”

“Oh.” He dejectedly exhaled. “I’ll see you later then.” As he went to roll over my arm reached back out and grabbed him.

“You really can’t start any of this until we talk?” I forced out, terrified of the conversation. Everything’s going so well, I-I’m actually starting to forgive him. What if he tells me something I don’t like? What if it rips us back apart? Yet as I looked into his eyes I could tell he was leagues away from where I was. That he needed to tell his side of the story. “Alright.” I began as my heart started to race in my chest. “I, I can take another half hour off, go ahead.”

Ryder eyes fell away, not even sure were to start. “I’m sorry I ever left you. I-I was a stupid kid. I thought that somehow making you hate me would help. And not just help you, but me too.” He began. “I thought if you hated me we would both just be able to move on, but that’s not how this works is it?”

“No.” I shook my head, slowly running my teeth over my lip. “Wh-why did you even want to move on? I know you thought you were cursed, but there had to be more.”

He shrugged his shoulders and let out a deep sigh. “A lot of it was because I thought I was curse, part of me still thinks I am, but the rational side of me, it knows that’s an excuse.” He gulped. “It’s something I told myself when I was a kid to make everything easier. It was easier to believe I lost my parents because I was cursed then to believe life is just that cruel.”

“Then what did the rational side say when you wanted to cheat on me?” I couldn’t help but ask.

“It was scared, I was scared.” He confessed starting to ball a fist. “I was in so much pain Teddy. It-it felt like someone had ripped my heart right out of my chest. I-I still can’t find words to fully describe how hard losing my grandma was. It was just, it was what hell must feel like.”

“I know it was worse on you, but it was hard on me too. I, do you remember how many nights we spent just holding one another and crying?” I asked, but his eyes stayed on the floor. “So why’d you take it out on me?” As the question left my lips I could feel my own emotions beginning to bubble.

“Because during those nights, when you would hold me, I-I realized I love you even more than I loved her.” He let out looking up and freezing me completely. “And then I thought about losing you. I thought about every single terrible way life could take you away from me, and I-I didn’t want to feel that pain. So I tried to end it completely. I wanted to stop caring about you.” If I thought the pain in his eyes was heavy when he was singing, well it’s nothing compared to right now.

“So you were being selfish?” I let out, as we both began to uncover the pain we’d pushed down for so long.

“I always was.” He exhaled; face as pale as a ghost.

“No you weren’t, you,”

“I was selfish by making you fight with your friends for me. I was selfish for accepting the name Messiah and making the band about me. I was selfish for leaving my grandma and going on tour. I was selfish for cheating on you so I wouldn’t love anymore.” He argued, as a few tears began to fall from his eyes. “I’m selfish now for taking up this bed when someone else needs it. I’m selfish for always feeling sorry for myself. I’m selfish for,”

“Ryder! Stop!” I yelped, having heard enough. “That’s not being selfish. My friends made me fight with them by being assholes to you. My Uncle decided on Messiah, and he made the band about you. And you had to go leave and chase your dreams, it’s what all of us wanted for you, including your grandma. You’re not wasting this bed, you need it, the only way you’ll waste it is by not getting better!” I shouted, trying my hardest to break through to him. “I, the only thing I can call you selfish for is cheating on me, but even then I knew what I was getting into, and I, part of you thought you were helping me.”

“But the more I see there is no curse the more I,”

“Stop.” I exhaled once more. “You meant it last week when you said it was just for show?” I asked drawing a nod from him.

“It was just for the camera, I-I paid him to make it look like he was black mailing me.” Ryder quickly explained. “I didn’t finish, it was just in and out, that’s why it was only a ten second clip. I-it didn’t even feel good.” He began to ramble. “To be completely honest I haven’t even been able to have sex with anyone but you. I did try a few times but I could never cum. I just, if it wasn’t you my body wouldn’t. There’s been a rumor going around the rock world that I have erectile dysfunction because I can’t even stay hard with other dudes!”

“Alright. Alright.” I cut off, having heard enough. “I get the picture.” Is he really this crazy for me? I’ve never had problems in that department, even with other guys. Maybe it’s his mental health. His depression is bad enough for something like that. “And I, I already told you I’m trying to forgive you but it’s going to take time.”

“I know.” He sighed. A few seconds of silence passed before he finally looked back to me.“What did you mean when you said you weren’t the same? Is that why you’re on anti-anxiety medicine?”

I reluctantly nodded my head. “I’m not on it anymore, but I was on and off it in college and during senior year of High School. Our break up, you cheating on me, it-it fucked me up badly Ryder.” I confessed, opening up about it for the first time in my life. “There were days I woke up and didn’t even recognize myself. It was like you died.” I shook my head. “There were nights I’d cry myself to sleep, hell there were days I’d randomly think of you, or Messiah would come on the radio and I’d just start bawling. I didn’t trust anyone for the longest time, hell, I had to relearn how to trust people.”

I quickly shook my head as I saw guilt flood Ryder’s eyes. “I’m forgiving you for it though.” I tried to comfort. “So I don’t want to see that dragging you down, it’ll only make things harder, not only on you, but on me too, got it?”

“But why?” Ryder asked. “You should’ve left me to die. You should’ve never spoke to me again. I, what you said to me in the store was deserved, hell, right now you should just turn around and,”

“Because I still love you Ryder.” I couldn’t believe what I was saying as the words slipped from my lips. It was a truth I’d buried away so long ago, one Id’ tried my hardest to run from. But it’s still the truth, I still love Ryder Sullivan.

A few tears fell from my own eyes as silence filled the air. “I still love you too.” He finally spoke. “So what do we do?”

“We, we keep putting the pieces back together.” I confidently nodded my head. “You keep getting better, and I’ll keep working on forgiving and trusting you, and in two weeks you and I will work something out together.”

“Okay.” He softly nodded his head.

“I need to get started on work.” I let out, standing up and picking up my chair. “I’ll stop by before I go home, or if I can take another break.” As I approached the door I turned back around and locked eyes with him. “If this is going to work, if we’re going to be together again. I need you to get through therapy. I need you to start being strong again.”

“I will.” He quickly nodded his head. “I promise.”

I mimicked his nod and quickly disappeared out the door. “Things got loud in there, everything okay?” Mike asked as I pushed the chair into the waiting room.

“Yeah, everything is fine.” I quickly nodded my head.

“You were right you know,” he began. “I, I caused the rift in our friendship, not him.” I grew quiet, stunned by the admission. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, I just, when you’re guarding a door as thin as these it can’t be helped.”

“I understand.” I forced out. “How much of that did you hear?”

“Enough.” He exhaled. “You’re doing the right thing, and during our senior year, well I wish I could’ve been there for you. I let you down, I’m sorry.”

I let my arm extend and lightly gripped the side of his arm. “That means a lot Mike.” I nodded my head. “I, thank you.”

“Of course.” He nodded his head. “Anything you need, you know where to find me.”

I let him go and took a few steps away before turning back around. “Do you want to grab a beer with me and Blake sometime?”

“If you guys will have me.” He quickly answered.

“Of course.” I forced a smile. “I’ll talk to him and let you know.” He nodded his head once more, I went to say something else but the second I saw Dr. Pierre over at the desk I knew I had to excuse myself. With a quick waive I turned back around and made a b-line for the man in the white coat. “Ryder shouldn’t give you a problem anymore.” I quickly let out.

“Good to hear.” He smiled. “Otherwise I’m coming to get you again.”

I reflected the smile back but stopped him as he went to turn away. “Just out of curiosity, how are you going to treat him? Just considering his problems with prescription pills.”

“Well unfortunately we have to give him some medication to rebalance his mind, but none of them will be opioids.” He began. “They’ll be medications that are very low dosage. Then on top of that we’ll be administering cognitive behavioral therapy for the next fourteen weeks to change the way he thinks about problems in his life, so even after these two weeks he’ll need to keep coming back for treatment.”

“Sounds good.” I nodded my head, grateful he’d taken everything into account. If there’s any doctor who can help get Ryder on track it’s Barry Pierre, I know it is.

“Oh, and I’m sorry I told him about your medication history.” He quickly apologized. “I didn’t mean to, Nathan told me you two were a couple so I presumed he knew. I assumed with how important you were to him that it made sense. Especially considering how hard you worked on him downstairs.”

I angrily clenched a fist as I heard those words. “Well Nate’s got it all screwed up.” I shook my head. “We dated when we were teenagers, but it didn’t end well. For now, we’re just old friends.” I exhaled, not sure what to actually label us. “Either way, if you have any bumps in the road with him just let me know.”

Barry nodded his head and smiled. I can’t believe Nate told him we’re dating. I have no idea where the hell he even got that from. I don’t even know why he thought that was important to share with people. After all I’ve done for him. After all the chances I’ve given him. This is how he repays me? Well he’s in for a hard conversation when I find him. That’s for damn sure.

*Hurt- Nine Inch Nails (The Downward Spiral, 1995).