Noah and Jordan - 7. Chapter Seven

**** JORDAN ***

My eyes fling open, my body swings forward. My heart is racing, sweat running down my forehead. What the fuck was that?

I look around but he's not here. He was never here. It felt so real. I could feel Noah’s fingers on my face, his hands on my back, his breath on my shoulder. His lips close to mine ...

Fuck!

It was a dream. Only a dream. Oh man.

I flop back down onto my bed landing with a thud. My heart is still racing; I can feel blood rushing through my veins. I lie frozen, staring up at the ceiling; the silence shattered by my heavy breathing. It's only then that I realize my dick is as hard as a rock. It feels more like a steel rod poking through my shorts. It's completely erect, standing at attention, ready to break free of its confinement. I don't think I've ever felt this hard. It kind of hurts.

I try to ignore it and close my eyes. But as my lids close and darkness ensues around me the image of Noah's face close to mine comes back in my head. It hits me sharply. I open my eyes again, as I struggle to breathe. My lungs expand, but it feels as if not enough oxygen is going inside of me.

It was only a dream dude, only a dream. It doesn't mean anything I try to tell myself. Dreams are just weird random thoughts in your head. They have no bearing on the real world. I'm horny, it’s been a while since I’ve had sex, or jacked off for that matter. So clearly sex is on my mind. Noah was on my mind because of yesterday, and our conversation about sexuality. So, I just put the two thoughts together and that's why I was thinking about sex and Noah. It was just a jumble of thoughts in my head. It means nothing. Just go back to bed ...

But I just continue to stare at the ceiling. Sleep is nowhere to be found.

*** NOAH ***

If I ignore it all maybe it will go away. I keep telling myself that, but it doesn't work. I've been avoiding Sebastian for the past two days. He messaged again, but I didn't respond. I want to know what he meant when he said I would understand, but at the same time I also don't want to know what he meant. Knowing may confirm my fear that he knows the truth about me. Ignorance is bliss, as they say. But ignorance is also torture.

Truth be told, part of me wants him to know I'm also gay. If he knew I would have someone to talk to, someone who would understand. All day yesterday I thought about telling Jenn. She is my best friend after all. There really is no one who knows me like her, but I'm not sure I can talk to her about all of this. Would she understand? Would she judge me? I value her friendship so much, it's not something I want to lose. But I always tell her everything ...

As I consider my options, I notice Jordan hop into the room. Ah, Jordan. Every time I see his face my heart skips a beat. I know what is happening, but I won't admit it to myself. I can't. I need to understand we will only ever just be friends. And that is okay, honestly (or at least I tell myself that). He’s been a great friend and I would hate to lose his company. When he looks up he notices me and stops. He just looks at me, so I wave. I don't know what else to do. He seems to be thinking about something, contemplating a serious thought. He then smiles and continues to hop towards the back.

“Hey,” he says throwing down his bag on the desk next to mine.

“Hey. What were you thinking about so seriously just now?” I ask out of curiosity.

“Ah, nothing really.”

“Did you finish this week's book?” I ask him.

“Yeah.”

“What did you think?”

“It was good.”

I try to talk to Jordan but all I get is short sentences. He is awfully quiet today. When class starts he focuses on the lecture and actually takes notes. Usually he writes a few things down, but never is he this focused. I try to even point out our friend the brat, but all Jordan does is smile and turn around. This is really out of character for him. Perhaps he just isn't in the joking mood today. I drop my attempts and focus on the lecture. When class is done Jordan takes off immediately. He shoves everything into his bag, gets up, says goodbye, and off he goes. Usually we walk out together. I guess not today.

*** JORDAN ***

I tried to forget. I really, really tried. But I couldn’t. The dream lingered in my mind all day. It didn't help seeing Noah in English class either. I know he was trying to engage with me, but I couldn't. Every time I looked at his face, his lips, I was reminded of how close we were, at least in my dream. And how I enjoyed the closeness. I had to get away from him. As soon as I got home, I gave up and jerked off. I thought getting off would clear my mind. Nope. Exhausted, I fell asleep. And who do I see again in my dreams? Noah.

I know what will help. I need to get laid. That’s it. It’s been way too long since I’ve had sex. I download Tinder. I've never tried the app before, but have heard you can find a quick hookup. Being in a college dorm, there is no shortage of girls nearby. But none of them catch my attention. I keep swiping and swiping. Eventually I decide I have to actually like a girl, or this won’t work. Alright, Pamela. She looks pretty. But do I really like her? No. Ugh. Okay. Amber. She’s okay. I guess I have to start somewhere.

Eventually, after I start to like some profiles, I get a few matches. I start chatting with this one girl, who I must say is cute. I’m a bit too forthcoming. I’m flirtatious and very obvious where I want this to go. I also use my injury to get sympathy, as Caleb suggested, and it seems to work! But she doesn’t seem to want to get together right away. So, I start talking to another girl. Later that night, much to my surprise, one girl invites me over. I don't wait for her to change her mind. I quickly grab my crutches and take off. I decide to splurge and take a cab. I'm at her place in no time.

“Well, that was quick,” she says opening the door.

I shouldn't be surprised when I see her, but I am. Does she look like the girl in her picture? Sort of. But not really. Doesn't matter. I hop inside. We talk for a bit. Her name is Natalie. She also goes to the same university. Her roommate is out of town for the weekend (good for us). She offers me a beer and I drink it way too quickly. We talk about nothing in particular. Perhaps it’s the alcohol or maybe just the adrenaline but I am overly flirtatious now. She responds in kind. I ‘accidentally’ brush my knee past hers. It maker her smile. She gets me another beer. As the liquor dries up, we move closer. I take my chance. I lean in and kiss her. She doesn’t cringe. I take that as a sign to move forward. I place my hand on her back, bringing her closer. I move my head, kissing down her neck. She moans softly in my ear.

“Don’t stop, Jordan,” she says as she runs her hand through my hair.

“I won’t, Noah.”

Fuck.

She pushes me away. “My name's Natalie.”

Shit.

“Of course, that's what I said.”

“No you didn't. You said Noah. Great I'm making out with a fucking fag.”

“I'm not gay!”

“Whatever. Get the fuck out of my house!”

As quickly as I can I grab my crutches and hop outside of her house. That was a disaster. Clearly, I need to try something else. I whip out my phone and call John. I need more alcohol. And I know just the place.

——— 

I came here last year with John and Caleb. It was a great night. It should be an easy way to forget about Noah and those stupid dreams. I meet John at a strip club. The place is packed on this Friday night with guys. The room is dimly lit in soft red lighting. My eyes drift towards the centre of the room. In the middle is a stage encircled by numerous poles. Several girls in various degrees of clothing are dancing. A number of men, all horned up and drunk, are howling at the front of the room, telling the girls to reveal everything.

John and I grab a drink and find a seat. When it finishes I grab another. Then another. I honestly have no idea how many I’ve had so far.

“Pace yourself man,” John says to me.

“I'm fine,” I say.

“You don't seem fine,” he responds.

“I'm just horny. Being single sucks.”

“I hear you man.”

The entire time I keep my eyes on the stage. A blonde girl is wrapped around the pole, sliding down its long shaft. I’m transfixed by her movements. With the music blaring, and the alcohol kicking in, I feel lost in a trance.

“Hi there,” a scantily clad tall brunette says standing beside me. “You're really good friend here bought you a lap dance. Do you want to come join me?”

I look at John who is grinning. “You deserve it. Have a little fun.”

I don’t need to be told twice. I follow her as she makes her way to the side of the room. She guides me to a chair and pushes me down.

“Relax. I won’t hurt you, sailor.”

——— 

I'm not sure what I remember next, but I'm somewhere dark. Foreign hands are roaming all over my body. They find the edge of my shirt and yank it over my head. The cool air rushes up against my skin, creating goose bumps along my arms. The hands are back on me now, flat on my chest as I am pushed down onto something soft. I land flat on my back and bounce up slightly before settling into the sheets. I can feel someone crawling on top of me, their hands are on my shoulders, knees on the bed beside me, pinning me down.

They bring their face down to my chest and begin to kiss my skin. They make their way from my neck down to my right nipple. Their lips brush over it, teasing me. The excitement and cool air have already made them erect. Their other hand starts to works its way down my torso. Slowly with a finger creating a line down my mid-section.

Their mouth follows their hand. They kiss me softly, gently on each spot, stopping a moment to taste my skin. They lean back and press against my dick, which is fighting against my jeans to escape. I moan softly. The pressure starts to build within me. Each movement, each stroke, sends me closer to the edge. My breathing gets heavier. I arch my back as the pressure builds inside of me. I can't hold on any longer. I let go. My body shakes as streams of cum shoot into my jeans. I tremble as my orgasm subsides.

I can feel his hands still on me. Even though I haven't seen his face I know it's him. It has to be him. I open my eyes to catch a glimpse of Noah.

But it's not him.

John?

*** NOAH ***

I don’t think I’ve ever debated this much whether or not to make a phone call. Part of feels like I shouldn’t call Sebastian. Deep down I know this is a bad idea. But I need to know. I need to know what he meant when he said I would understand. I’m scared he might know the truth. But that also excites me too. He would understand. He would be someone I could talk to about my feelings. Maybe we could help each other. I could use a friend. The way Jordan acted today in class … it feels as if he may have grown tired of me already. Perhaps he has. I wouldn’t blame him if he did.

So, that leaves Sebastian. I should call him. At the very least I could be sympathetic. He also could be struggling with his sexuality. I know how isolating it can feel. Even if I don’t tell him about myself, I can at least be a friend. Maybe that is all he is looking for. Why he chose me, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll find out today.

I start to doubt my decision to call as the phone rings. Before I can hang up he answers.

“Hey, Noah!”

“Hi, Sebastian.”

“It's good to hear your voice,” he says.

“Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner.”

“It's all good, I know life can be busy.”

We make small talk for a while. I don’t know exactly how to bring up our previous conversation.

“I'm glad you'll be coming tomorrow,” Sebastian says to me.

“Yeah, my friend Jenn convinced me to go. She wants to come too.”

“Bring her along. The more the merrier,” he replies.

“You know why she wants to come, right?”

“She likes a good party?” he asks.

“She wants to hook up with you.”

He laughs. “If I swung that way I would be flattered.”

“Right.” I don't know to respond!

“Besides I have my eye on someone else these days.”

“I’m sure he’s a lucky guy. About that … I wanted to apologize.”

“Why? You have nothing to be sorry about.”

“You told me something huge and I barely said anything in return. I can’t imagine that was easy. I should have been more supportive.”

He laughs. “You were fine and were very supportive. It wasn’t really fair of me to come out to you. I’m sure you’re probably thinking we’re barely friends, yet I told you a big secret.”

“The thought crossed my mind. You said you thought I would understand …” I’m getting nervous.

“I did. You seem like someone who is open-minded.”

“I'd like to think I am,” I say. Was that it? That can't be it.

“Most of my friends are on the volleyball team, or are on other athletic teams. I have good friends, don’t get me wrong, but we all hang out together. So, if I tell one, there is a possibility everyone will find out. So, I thought I would branch out. Then I met you. Granted, it was only a short time ago, but I feel like we have a good connection. I feel like I can trust you. You’re someone I want to get closer to. So, I told you. I hope I wasn’t wrong.”

I can breathe. He doesn’t suspect anything. And I was getting worked up over nothing. I’m such an idiot!

“Of course you can trust me. I would never betray you, or anyone. Your sexuality is your domain. It’s not for me to talk to others about. I don’t know how I can be of help, but if I can, do let me know.”

“Thank you, Noah. Well, in terms of helping …” he trails off. “Sorry, give me a second.”

“Of course.” I can hear voices in the background.

“Sorry, Noah. I have to run. But I would love to continue this conversation later. Do you want to meet up tonight?”

“I can’t, sorry. I'm going to be out tonight.”

“No worries. I'll see you tomorrow then.”

“Sure. Bye, Sebastian.”

“Bye, Noah.”

Alright, that went well. He doesn’t suspect anything. I’m still not sure if I should tell him about myself. I think I will see how all of this goes over the next few days. Maybe once we get to know each other a bit better I'll tell him. Maybe.

*** JORDAN ***

“Hold up man, it's just me, John.”

I look around. I'm in my room, lying on my bed.

“What happened?” I can barely get the words out. My head is pounding.

“Dude, you got really wasted at the strip club so I brought you back to your place.”

That’s when I notice I’m shirtless. I can also feel the wetness in my pants. I am so grateful there is a blanket covering what I assume is a giant wet spot in my jeans.

“Where’s my shirt?” I ask looking around.

“You puked all over yourself. I rinsed it in the sink as best I could and hung it up to dry. You’re going to want to throw it in the wash before it permanently stinks.”

It was a dream. Another dream. Noah wasn’t here.

“Thank you so much, man.”

“You owe me,” he says. “You were mumbling a lot. You kept saying something, a name maybe, Nora perhaps. I couldn’t tell because you were slurring a lot. Anyway, get some sleep. I’ll call you in the morning.”

Another dream. My head is spinning. All of it felt so real. Too real.

——— 

I wake up the next day with a massive hangover. I can barely open my eyes. My head is pounding. I didn’t even drink that much last night. Or at least I don’t think I did. Most of last night is a bit of a blur. I know I went to a strip club, but the rest is fuzzy. All of it except for that dream. I can’t remember what I ate last night, what I wore, how I got home. Nothing. Yet I can remember details of that dream vividly. They’re images I try to shake out of my head without much luck. Every time I blink they are there.

I guess it felt so real because some of it was real. John did help me take off my shirt. He did guide me to my bed. But the rest of it … the hands on my body. It felt real. Even though I didn’t see a face I knew it was him. It felt like Noah. And it felt good. Really good. Fuck! What the hell is wrong with me?

I need to think about something else. I pick up my phone. I have a message from my best friend, Aiden. He lives half way around the world in Australia. I’ve known him since elementary school.

“Happy birthday, Freak!” he writes. “Hope you have a good day. We should catch up soon!”

I haven’t spoken to Aiden in a long time. The vast number of time zones doesn’t help. I’m about to respond when my phone rings. It's my mom.

“Hi, Mom.”

“Happy birthday, Jordan!”

“Thank you.”

“You didn't think I would forget, did you?” she asks.

“No, of course not.”

“Is something wrong? You sound horrible.”

“Nothing, just a little headache.”

“Staying up late and partying, are we?”

“No. School's been really busy.”

“Just because I'm older doesn't mean I don't know anything. I was in school once. I know how it goes. But your voice sounds down. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. I just miss home I guess. I was actually thinking of coming home over the long weekend.”

“You can come back whenever you want. This is your home. I would love to see you.”

“I would love to see you too.” I actually do really miss my mom!

Growing up it was only me and my mom, so we are close. We would always have cake together on my birthday. It's just not the same without her. It would be nice to go home. It might help clear my head.

After I hang up, I continue to scroll through my phone. I have a ton of messages on Facebook from various people wishing me a happy birthday. But I soon realize the messages are only from people back home. No one from university has messaged me. Weird.

*** NOAH ***

I hate everything I own. Seriously. I hate everything. I can’t decide what to wear! Either it is too formal, or too casual. Usually Jenn holds us up. She takes forever getting ready! Tonight though I’m the slow one. She arrived at my place promptly at seven; a first for her. I was ready, but then I figured what I was wearing was too casual, so I changed. Then I felt it was too formal. So, I changed again. I just can’t decide what to wear!

“For the love of God just pick something!” Jenn yells. She is sitting on my bed as I go through my closet.

“Perfection takes time,” I respond digging through my wardrobe.

“You're such a girl!”

“Not all of us wish to look like a slob,” I say with my back to her.

“Whatever. What did you end up buying Jordan for his birthday?” she asks.

I really had to think about what to get him. I wanted it to be a great gift. I’m not a bad gift giver, or at least that is what I think, but I couldn’t decide what would be the best thing to get Jordan. Jenn just got him a graphic tee. I wanted something a bit more personal. And then I remembered something he told me from his childhood.

“I got him a book,” I say.

“Of course you did. You’re such a nerd.”

“Whatever. I think he will like it.”

“No one wants a book for their birthday,” she says. “You get me a book for my birthday and I am going to throw it in your face.”

“Obviously I wouldn’t get you a book for your birthday. One needs to know how to read first, no?”

“Ha ha. Focus on picking something to wear! The rate you're going, we will get there tomorrow night.”

She’s right. Ugh. I hate everything I own.

*** JORDAN ***

I spend the day being lazy. I honestly feel like crap. I have no desire or energy to do anything or to go anywhere. I spend most of the day watching random shows on Netflix. In the evening I get a call from John. Shit I forgot! He wants to go out tonight.

“You ready?” John asks.

“About that, John. I think I’m going to skip tonight. My head can’t handle another night of drinking.”

“Not a chance, bud. You don’t have to drink. But we are going out. I’ve already made plans and gotten tickets to this comedy show.”

“John —” I try to protest but he cuts me off.

“You’re coming with me and that’s final. Wear something decent, no sweatpants. I don’t go out with bums.”

“Fine. But I’m only going out for an hour. I want to be home early tonight.”

“Okay, grandpa. I’ll be there soon. Be ready!”

Every fibre within me is screaming not to go. But what can I do? I promised John. Besides, I've barely eaten anything all day so I could use some food. I’m barely out of bed by the time John calls again. He’s waiting outside.

“Which comedy club are we going to?” I ask when we are on the road.

“Oh, a new one I found. But I’m an idiot. I forgot the tickets at home. I’m just going to quickly swing by and grab them,” John says.

“Sure.”

It doesn’t take long to get to his place. “Why don’t you come up with me?” he asks getting out of the car.

“You go in, I'll wait in the car.”

“It might take me a few minutes, just come inside.”

“Why will it take you a few minutes?” I ask.

“I forgot to print them. Just come,” he says.

“I’ll wait here,” I respond.

“Fine. The truth? My stomach is a bit upset … so I need to, you know. It might take me a few minutes.”

“Man, I didn’t need to know that!” I say.

“Well, you didn’t trust me! Let’s go.”

John lives with Caleb and another guy in their program. John once asked if I wanted to move in with them as well, but at the time I couldn’t afford it. I think I'm never going to leave my stupid small dorm room.

“Come on in,” John says opening the door. “Make yourself comfortable.”

“SURPRISE!”

Holy shit. All of a sudden people start popping out of various places. I notice a bunch of my teammates and some of my school friends.

“You had no idea, did you?” John asks.

“No. I honestly didn't,” I reply.

A number of people come up to wish me a happy birthday. I just continue to nod in their direction. I guess this is why no one from university messaged me. They're all here.

“Happy birthday!”

I turn around to see Jenn. I’m a bit surprised to see her. What is Jenn doing here?

“Happy birthday, Jordan.”

And then I see Noah. The moment I see his face all of those dreams come rushing back. So too do all of those emotions. Fuck! Don’t get hard here, I tell myself.

“Thank you! Thank you both for coming!”

“I hope it's okay I tagged along with Noah,” Jenn says.

“Of course! You’re more than welcome! Excuse me for a second,” I say. I need to get away from Noah. Just for a bit or I might just get a hard on.

*** NOAH ***

I might just be going crazy but it feels like Jordan is avoiding us. I know he has a lot of friends here, and many people are talking to him, but he seems off. Every time Jenn or I are close by he moves. And it's not just that he moves, he announces why he is moving, like he needs to justify his exit. He either goes to get a drink, or food, or talk to someone. It is probably all in my head.

With so many people, the apartment is a bit stuffy. I tell Jenn I’m going to step onto the balcony for a bit. She is fine on her own. I think she's already made like five new friends. Part of me hates her.

The cool air feels good against my skin. I feel like I can breathe again. But I’m not alone for long. Sebastian joins me outside.

“Beer?” he asks handing me a can.

“Thanks,” I say taking it from him.

“Having fun?”

“Yeah, I am. Thanks for the invite.”

“You’re a good friend. Jordan doesn’t realize how lucky he is,” Sebastian says moving closer.

“I’m just an average guy, nothing special,” I say.

“You’re not average, Noah. You clearly care … and I don’t think it’s fair to you.”

I’m totally confused. “What is not fair to me?”

“I don’t think I should say anything.”

“If there is something to say then you should.”

“Fine,” he says. “I say this as a friend, Noah. I clearly trust you, having told you my deepest secret. And the only reason I'm telling you this is because I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Okay …”

“I was talking to Jordan the other day and you came up. I was just asking about your friendship and he said you guys weren’t really friends. You were just his English partner.”

What? That can’t be right. After all I’ve done for him. No. Then again he has been acting strange the past few days. No. I’m not great at being social, but it feels like we’re friends.

“Maybe he didn’t mean it in a negative way,” I say. “More like saying it as a fact.”

“That is what I thought too, but then he continued. He mentioned how you had started to become really clingy. He said he didn’t say anything because you guys had to work together. He said he thinks you’re weird.”

Sebastian’s words feel like a punch in the stomach. Clingy? How have I been clingy? I knew I was trying too hard. He also thinks I’m weird. I’ve always known I don’t fit in. The word hits me straight in the heart.

“Oh … I didn’t know he felt that way.”

“I’m sorry, Noah.”

“Don’t be. Anyway, it’s getting late. I should go.”

*** JORDAN ***

I never realized Jenn was such an interesting character. I knew she was hilarious from our first meeting, but there is so much more to her. We have a lot in common, and she is really hot. I saw her standing by herself. I couldn’t see Noah. I waved her over and we began to talk. I know she is Noah’s friend but I couldn’t help myself being a bit flirtatious. If I’m not wrong, she is too. About ten minutes into our conversation we are interrupted by Noah.

“Sorry, Jordan. Jenn, can I talk to you for a second?”

“Sure,” she says. The two move to the side.

I spend the next couple of minutes talking to some of my other friends. A number of my volleyball teammates tell me how they can’t wait for me to be back. I tell them neither can I! I just have a few more days to go until my appointment. I’m hoping this brace comes off and I can go back to using both of my feet. As I talk to my friends I look over at Jenn and Noah. The two are in some sort of heated debate. I wonder what's going on. A few minutes later Jenn gets up and heads my way.

“Hey, Noah and I are going to take off. It was nice talking to you. I hope you enjoy the rest of your birthday,” she says.

“You can’t leave yet,” I say. “It's not even midnight! The night is still young.”

“Both Noah and I have an early morning. Plus, Noah is tired.”

“I’ll talk to him.” I make my way to Noah. “Dude! What’s going on? Jenn says you want to leave?”

“Sorry, Jordan, I’m a bit tired.”

“No you’re not. You're staying and so is Jenn. It's my birthday and I get to be unreasonable.”

“But Jordan —”

I cut him off. “You can say whatever you want. You’re not leaving yet.”

He sighs. “Fine. We’ll stay for a bit longer.”

I try to engage Noah in conversation but he doesn’t say much. He mainly just sits there quietly staring at the floor. I don’t know what's gotten into him. He's acting like he was that other day, the day I found him at the library. Jenn makes up for his silence. She sure knows how to talk. At some point Noah excuses himself. He says he is going to go grab a drink. He doesn’t return. So, I continue talking to Jenn. I honestly am having a great time. She is so easy to talk to.

As it approaches midnight many people start to leave. There is another party tonight. Jenn and I are invited as well, but we both decline. I can’t do another party.

“I should get going as well,” Jenn says. “Where did Noah go?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t seen him in a while. Maybe he left?”

Jenn tries calling him. No answer.

“I doubt he would leave without me.” But there is no sign of him. “We were going to walk home together. That jerk.”

“I'll walk you home,” I offer.

“That's nice of you, but you can barely walk! I should be okay.”

“I’d be happy to,” I say. I really would.

“Sure. I’m just going to grab my jacket. I left it in one of the rooms.”

“I’ll grab it, no worries.” Might as well act like a gentleman. Talking with Jenn has helped a lot. I haven’t thought about Noah and that dream all night. Crap. Now I’m thinking about Noah and that dream again!

“It’s a light pink coloured jacket,” Jenn tells me.

“Be back in a second.”

Okay, now which room did she say her coat was in? All of the doors are closed. I try John’s room first. Nope. I try Caleb’s room next. I try to open it, but it seems jammed, like something is blocking it. I push on it and it swings open. I look up and stop dead in my tracks. What the fuck? Were Sebastian and Noah …?