Aria Graice - 39. Chapter 39

“Have you never had counselling?”

“Not since the hospital. I think maybe they mentioned it but…things happened.”

“I’m sure they did, but has no one ever discussed this with you? Has no one ever explained that sex without consent is rape and that you can’t give consent when you don’t have a choice. Even if you seduced someone, even coerced them into having sex with you, if you believed you’d be hurt, or even killed, if you didn’t, there was no consent. You were a victim, Jay, don’t forget that. You were repeatedly raped and abused. It wasn’t your fault you didn’t run from that. You were a child and you had nowhere else to go.”

Jay gaped at Drew, shaking their head. “I… No one…not even at the hospital. No one explained it like that.”

“Then you never spoke to the right person. Promise me you will.”

Jay swallowed then nodded, albeit reluctantly. “I will.”

“Good. Glad that’s settled. Now, do you want to go back to the flat or stay here for a bit. You don’t have to talk about this anymore if you’re tired. You can join the twins and rest while I speak to Lady Jane.”

Jay’s eyes flew wide. “No. No, I don’t want to talk to them. I don’t want you to talk to her.”

“Then what do you want? Do you want to leave?”

“I…I don’t know.”

“If you do, you’ll be running away. I won’t stop you, but I think you should stay. You don’t need to run anymore. You’re not on your own now.”

“Aren’t I?” They sounded bleak.

Drew took them by the shoulders and pushed them back so he could look them in the eye. “Don’t you listen to what people say to you? You’re family, Jay. Maybe you don’t share our blood, maybe we haven’t known you for long, but you’re family. My mother has decreed it, so it is.” He smiled, but Jay didn’t echo it.

“She doesn’t know.”

“Do you think that would change anything? Do you think my mother is sheltered because she lives in the back end of beyond? She’s a worldly woman, and Ceriann… She’s been all over the world and seen things not even I’ve experienced. Not all of them have been good. She knows the score as much as I do. I know you can’t trust us, not yet, but I promise you, I promise no one will judge you. In fact, you might get mothered even more. I can’t speak for the twins but I’ve a strong feeling they’ll be just the same.”

For a moment, Drew was afraid Jay was about to faint, but they pulled themselves together, even though tears were pouring down their face. “I…I can’t…”

“I know. It’s too much to ask of you. How can you trust us when you’ve kept this so close for so long? I can speak words, make promises, but at the end of the day you’ll only know when it happens, and it will happen. Everyone will say to your face that your past doesn’t make us love you any less.”

“You…love me?”

“Of course, you ridiculous pixie. We all love you. You remind us all what it’s like to have a true friend, and what it’s like to be free—even if you aren’t.”

Jay pondered for a moment, then nodded. “I’m not free,” they said. “Not really. Not at all.”

“I know. So, tell me the rest and you’ll free a bit more. If you’re brave, I promise that by the end of the day you’ll be freer than you’ve ever been in your life.”

Jay started, raw fear stealing what colour had remained in their face, but they nodded.

“There’s not really that much more to tell. My master sold me to a monster. He…raped me every day and lent me out to others who…” They swallowed thickly.

“Come on. Let’s sit back up on the seat, get comfortable.”

“What about…” They motioned at the puddle of vomit.

“I’ll clean up in a bit. You missed the carpet, so thanks for that.”

“Can I help?”

“Do you feel up to it?”

“I think it would make me feel better. Could you make coffee?”

Drew, pleased that Jay’s voice sounded stronger already, readily agreed. He located cleaning products in the sliding cupboard and brewed coffee while Jay cleaned up. When they were done, they sat, side by side, sipping their drinks while Jay pondered.

“I carried on running away,” they said when their coffee was half gone. “He kept on bringing me back. He had thugs and they weren’t gentle. He threatened all the time that if I ran away again he’d kill me. I guess I was too valuable to him. And at least I got to be me, and he gave more pretty things than I’d ever had. He liked me dressing up in women’s clothes and makeup. He said he got more for me that way. They sighed, their eyes misty as they remembered. “One day, after my ass had been dragged back yet again, he looked at me and shook his head. “You’re pretty,” he said, “and you make me more than anyone else, but you’re expendable. Remember that.”

“I didn’t remember it. I thought it was just like all the other times and started planning the next one. Then he sent me out on a job. It seemed good at first. I was wearing my best stuff and the John was rich and clean, even charming—to begin with. He took me back to a posh penthouse and treated me really well. He wined and dined me and petted me like I was some kind of fancy dog he’d just bought from a pet shop. Some of the things he said were a bit weird, but I didn’t think anything of it—until he took me into the bedroom. There was nothing new in that, but when I was stripped, he pinned me to the bed, put his hands around my neck and told me he’d been looking forward to this day for half his life. He said I was fortunate, blessed even, and not to worry because it would be quick and he’d even make it good for me.”

“What? What did he mean by that?” Drew’s blood ran cold and his body stiffened, on high alert. Suddenly, he wanted very badly to kill someone.

“I was never meant to leave that room. I’d become the star in my very own stuff movie. Someone said that to me later and it’s kind of stuck in my head. I didn’t know it at the time, but he was filming the whole thing. There would have been people all over the country, maybe even the world, who’d have got off on watching me die. How fucked up is that?”

Drew knew all about snuff films. He’d been forced to watch some once when undercover. He’d never recovered from the images he’d seen and the thought that Jay could have been one of them, one of the nameless children who’d given their lives needlessly and sickeningly to satisfy some twisted fantasy made him feel sick. He pulled Jay to him and held on tight. His fingers itched and he wanted nothing more than to put a bullet through the head of that monster, even though he knew it was impossible.

“I thought he was going to strangle me and there would have been nothing I could do about it. I fought, but he was way too strong. I passed out thinking it was the end. But I think he miscalculated. He thought I’d be out longer than I was, because I came to with him leaning over me, a syringe in his hand. I freaked. I took him by surprise and when I twisted he lost balance and fell off the bed. I ran for it and almost made it, because he’d got tangled up when he fell. I was nearly at the front door when he came out of the bedroom, roaring like some kind of fucked up wild animal. I went through the first door I saw and tried to find a lock, but there wasn’t one. I tried to hold it closed with my body but I didn’t have a chance. When he burst through, he sent my flying across the room. I was in the kitchen. He was right behind me and there was a knife block next to my hand. I pulled out the biggest knife I could see, but before I could do anything he’d slammed into me and I thought I was going to pass out again because I was sandwiched between him and the counter top and it just knocked all the air out of me. I knew I was going to die. He wouldn’t make any more mistakes. So, I squeezed the handle of the knife and just stabbed it behind me. I didn’t care what it hit, as long as it got him away from me.”

The images Jay was painting in Drew’s mind were horrific. He’d seen some bad things in his life, dammit he’d done more than one himself. He’d even killed children when he’d had to but he’d never trapped an innocent child alone in a room and murdered them in cold blood, or got any satisfaction out of any kill he’d ever made. The thought sickened him and the fact it had happened to Jay, this golden, sparkling, pixie who had more life in them than anyone Drew had ever met… He was sorry the bastard was dead because if he hadn’t been he’d have tracked him down and made him pay, inch by inch, moment by moment. For now, all he could do was be there for Jay, to listen and try so hard to make them feel safe.

“He jumped back bellowing like a goddamn bull. I didn’t think, didn’t pause, didn’t…care. I stabbed him again…and again…and again.”

Jay was shaking so hard their teeth chattered and they couldn’t go on, so Drew held them until it stopped.

“I called the police and told them what I’d done. They came and broke the door down. I was sitting on the floor in the corner and they just grabbed me and handcuffed me. They were yelling but that was nothing new. I was used to people yelling before they did bad things to me. At least they didn’t hit me.”

“I’m glad they didn’t hit you,” Drew said, his voice as cold as his heart. “If they had, I’d have found them.”

Jay started and pulled back, staring at him. “You would? For me?”

“Let me tell you something about me. When I give myself to someone—a lover, a friend, anyone—I give it all; the good and the bad. I will do everything I can to keep the bad away from the twins, but I won’t hide it. I’m a hard man and I’ve done hard things, things I’m not proud of. What I am proud of and what I will never regret, is that I take care of my own. You should know that if the man who did this to you was still alive, I’d find him, anywhere in the world. I’d find him and end him, and before he took his last breath, he’d be begging for it.”

Jay shuddered, a deep shiver that rocked their body.

“Does that make you frightened of me, or disgusted or horrified? That I would torture someone to death for harming you?”

Dumbly, Jay shook their head, their eyes wide and lips gaping.

“Then what the hell makes you think I’d be disgusted or horrified about what you did. You fought for your life. Anyone would have done the same thing in your place.”

Jay shook their head, a twisted smile sharpening their expression. “Apparently they wouldn’t. The judge said it was “a sustained and animalistic attack, far beyond what might be considered reasonable in the circumstances”. That was when my lawyer tried to argue it was self-defence.”

“Of course it was self-defence. What the hell did they think it was. The monster was about to kill you.”

Jay nodded. “They found the syringe and analysed what was in it. It would have killed me a hundred times over. If I hadn’t woken up when I did… They explained in court what it would have done to me, and it would have been entertaining to watch, I guess, but like you said, I’d have been begging for the end—which I guess is what they want.”

“And they still said it wasn’t self-defence?”

Jay nodded again. “They dropped the murder charge and told me that if I agreed to give evidence against the people who took me, they’d drop manslaughter to aggravated assault and I’d walk free. By then I’d already been in prison for about eight months because they considered me a flight risk. They were probably right.”

“So, is that what you did?”

Jay shook their head. “If I’d done that, they would have killed me. The police had no chance of catching them all and I’d seen what happened to people who crossed them. They never understood, Drew, those people are everywhere. They’re evil monsters. It would have been nothing to them to snuff out another inconvenience. I was told as much in prison.”

“Did they tell you that? That you’d be killed if you said anything?”

Jay snorted. “What do you think? Of course they did. I was lucky to survive as it was. I was a fifteen-year-old, gender fluid whore in an adult prison—yeah they sent me there because I was being “unreasonable” about taking a plea and testifying. That wasn’t what they said, of course, but we all knew it was punishment and an attempt to get me to cave.”

“Jesus, Jay, what happened?”

“I got lucky.” They chuckled mirthlessly and pushed away so they were sitting up, with their back against the wall. “In the beginning, I was charged with murder. They put me in solitary confinement in the medical wing because I was still in shock, and they thought I was a suicide risk. Then, when I kept refusing to testify, they sent me out into the lion’s den. I don’t know what they thought was going to happen. I figured I’d be torn to pieces in the first few days. But… There were people in there who were either part of the gang or paid off by them, because I was told that as long as I behaved and didn’t talk I’d be looked after, and I was. To be honest, the time I spent in prison was so much better than it had been before I wouldn’t have cared if I’d stayed there forever. That changed, of course. No one wants to be prisoner forever, do they?”

“No.” Drew couldn’t help but stare at Jay. They seemed so fragile, so young and vulnerable, and they were. God knows they were, but… They’d survived. They’d come through and built a new life for themselves. They were here, standing on their own two feet, living the best life they could, better than most. Pride blossomed in his chest and he longed to hug Jay, to tell them how he felt, but he couldn’t, because that was not what Jay needed right then.

“In the end, they gave up, especially because of all the media attention. People were asking questions and suddenly I was an embarrassment they just wanted to go away. My family back here in the UK had seen the reports and recognized me. They petitioned the government to bring me home. I was finally sent back to the UK and had to go through the whole thing again—without the pressure to give evidence. I spent four months on remand in a young offender’s institution, where I got beaten up worse than I had in with the rapists and murderers in America, then suddenly I was free. Apparently, the CPS felt it wasn’t in the public’s interests to punish me any further, because one day, two strangers turned up, put me in a car and took me home.”

“Strangers?”

“They were my parents. It wasn’t that I didn’t recognize them—well I didn’t at first but it didn’t take long—it was that I’d changed so much I wasn’t looking through the same eyes, and neither were they. Don’t get me wrong, they tried. They really did, but they’re older and fancy, with the whole “what would the neighbours think” thing going on. I couldn’t be the son they wanted. I couldn’t be anything but me and that didn’t fit in with their comfortable, upper class lives.

“I kind of had a breakdown and ended up in hospital. I met some cool people and they lit the flames so to speak. When I came out, my parents didn’t really want me back home. I was almost seventeen decided I could live quite well by myself—which turned out to be very much true. My parents couldn’t wait to get me out the door. They set me up with a flat and the equipment I needed to start up, and then they backed off. I think they forgot they ever had me. They certainly never reached out, never contacted me, never answered my messages, were never in when I called around. In the end I stopped. I got the message loud and clear.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for. It’s their decision, their loss.” Jay attempted to grin. They couldn’t quite pull it off but Drew was proud at the attempt. “While I was in the hospital I reinvented myself, and I literally came out a different person. Jayson Stephens died in there and I never thought I’d see him again—until I met her.”

“Lady Jane?”

Jay nodded. “She hated me from the start. Thought I wasn’t good enough. When she found out who I really am she told me I had to tell the twins and then keep the hell away from them because she didn’t want my past to catch up and pull them down. It all sounded so reasonable when she said it. I could see the truth in every word. The thing is…I couldn’t do it. I love them, and all our friends. I’ve spent so many hours fighting with myself. Should I tell them? Should I tell everyone? I’ve decided to do it over and over and over. It’s not fair of me not to because one day, whether it’s Lady Jane or someone else, it’s going to come out. When that happens, we’ll all go down. Oh God, Drew, I’ve been so selfish.” Jay started to sob again, rocking, their head in their hands. “I’ve been so selfish, but I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. I’d never had friends. I’ve never had anyone, not like them and it’s got nothing to do with the money, I swear.”

“Jesus, Jay, do you really think I’d believe for one second it’s about money? As far as I can see, apart from Alice, you’re the only true friend the twins, have, that they’ve ever had.”

Jay moaned, a long, drawn out wail of pure agony, startling Drew. “What?” he asked. “What did I say?”

“Alice knows. If it all comes out she’ll… Oh God it’s such a mess.”

“Alice knows?”

“She’s a fucking princess, Drew, of course she knows. Her security know everything about everyone.”

“And she’s okay with it?”

“Okay? Of course she’s not okay, but she’s the best friend anyone in the world could ever have. Even better than the twins.” Jay paused. “Okay, no, not better than the twins, but as good as. She looks after people. She looked after me, but she had to fight for it. They didn’t want to let her have anything to do with me and she has to have extra security when I’m around. She has press agents watching me, watching everything. But she wouldn’t let go.”

“Of course not. Why would anyone let you go? You’re an amazing person, Jay. I don’t know anything about Jayson, but I do know you and I’m amazed by you.”

Jay sniffed and looked up, even with their eyes puffy and makeup smeared all over their face, they were a true, natural beauty. Not like the twins, nothing like the twins—they were simply breath-taking—but strangely pure even after everything they’d been through. He was a lily next to their roses—a rainbow lily of course, with a touch of sparkle.

“You’re amazed by me?”

“I am. More now than ever. How the hell have you lived with all this? Alone?”

“Alone’s all I know how to be. I’m the only one I know I can rely on.”

“Not anymore.”

Drew opened his arms and Jay jumped into them, hugging him with a strength that belied their small frame.