Bloodlines - 26. Chapter 26

October 22, 1998

Dear Mummy,

When I was up in Laramie this summer, I met Matthew Shepard. He was a really happy, fun guy, with sparkling eyes and a bright smile. He was my friend. I can't even imagine how you can think that just because he was gay, he was soliciting guys in a bar, and even if he was, how that could possibly justify someone beating him to within an inch of his life then tying him up to a fence in the country like a scarecrow. He was there for over 12 hours, and then spent four days in intensive care but never came out of his coma.

When I went up to his funeral, there were protesters there with signs that said “God Hates Fags” and “Matt is in Hell.” I'd like to know where in the bible it gives people the right to judge others like that. I'd like to know how condemning someone like Matt Shepard is a Christian act.

I remember how Grandfather used to talk about black people and how embarrassing and uncomfortable that was. I remember how horrible it made him look. It destroyed the normal impression of a well-bred, educated man he presented. People who talk of gay people like that, suggesting that they are less than human, are no better.

I'm looking forward to seeing you in November too.

Love,

Matt

“You ready to go?” Danfield asked.

I clicked “send” and then shut down my computer. That should stir up some shit at home. I found I was getting more and more callous about it though. I was building up strength, and that meant I was forcing myself to care less and less about what they thought. I sighed. “Yeah, let's go.”

I headed out to the GMC with a total lack of enthusiasm. This was our first practice after the blow up yesterday. Cole would be there in the locker room with his fucking attitude. “Don't worry about it,” Danfield said. “Turner won't let him be a douche bag.”

“I'm not worried, and I'm not afraid of him. I just feel really bad about it, and it pisses me off that there's going to be this big cloud hanging over the locker room,” I said.

“We're playing Cal again, only on their ice this weekend, so we’d better pull together,” Danfield said. “Those fuckers are good.” Cardinal fans were unforgiving if their teams lost to Berkeley. We got to the parking lot and saw Cole there, about 100 feet in front of us. I was usually his ride. I was wondering how he'd get there, and whether I should offer him a ride or not, when a white Honda Civic drove up and he hopped in. It was Amber's car. For a brief moment, she looked as us and gave us this snarky grin.

And then I felt liberated, just like I did when I'd decided to tell Kelso and Garner to fuck off. If he was going to trust that skank over me, well fuck him. “You OK?” Danfield asked.

“Yeah. I just decided not to give a shit about either of them. It's pretty liberating,” I joked. He laughed. We hopped in the GMC and headed up the El Camino.

“So what are you going to do about your mom's e-mail?” he asked.

“I sent her a response. Told her Matt was my friend,” I said. Fucking traffic. The El Camino was a fucking parking lot. “Told them how un-Christian their attitude was.”

“So you and Shepard were friends eh?” he asked playfully.

“You want to know if we fucked?” I asked, and not in the nicest way. I corrected that. “I don't kiss and tell.”

“Unfortunately he won't be able to care even if you do,” he said somberly and with a lot of sympathy.

“Yeah, we were together, and it was awesome. I was only there for one night, and we didn't go back to my hotel room until almost midnight, so I didn't have much time with him,” I said, unable to hide my smile when I thought about how fun he'd been.

“Was he just a fuck?” Danfield asked. He wasn't judging, he was curious. He was worried about me.

“No. He was way more than just a fuck,” I said.

“My parents would have shit a brick if I'd gone up there,” he said.

“Because you would have missed school and a game or because they don't like fags?”

Danfield swallowed hard. “Both. They make your mom look like a gay rights activist. I'm embarrassed for you to meet them.”

“Dude, they're your parents. If they come out to visit, I'll try to avoid lisping and moving my hips when I walk,” I joked. It got a predictable laugh.

“I doubt they'll be out here to visit anyway. They're too busy getting ready for the elections,” he said.

“What's your dad do anyway?” I asked. For some reason that had never come up before.

“You're kidding me right?” he asked, stunned. “You've never heard of my father?”

“No. Should I have?” I asked, confused.

“You've never heard of Senator Danfield, Republican from Virginia?” he asked.

“Your father is a fucking senator?” I asked. He nodded. “Holy shit. Do you think the guys on the team know that?”

“Probably not. Growing up, everyone knew who he was and who I was. It was like living under a spotlight. His platform is based on socially conservative principles, so that made it even harder. You wonder why I didn't get laid all the time. Anything I did, any girl I fucked, could have made a big deal out of it.” He sighed. “It's nice being here where most people haven't figured it out. Don't tell them, OK?”

“Not a word,” I said with a smile. “That must really suck though. I mean, don't they expect an incredibly hot dude like you to get laid?”

“You still trying to get in my pants?” he joked.

“Always.”

“His base of support is those evangelical types. I'm not sure they even approve of sex after marriage, but they put up with it.” He laughed at his own joke, so I joined him to be polite.

“So shouldn't you be going to church on Sundays?” I teased. “And I've seen you consuming alcohol and smoking the demon weed.”

He grinned. “I can relax when I'm out here. Most people don't know who I am, and even if they do, they're not going to keep that close of tabs on me. The only time it will be an issue is if there's some big scandal. Like if I cheated on a test, or got busted for a DWI.”

“I think you shouldn't do those things then,” I teased. We got to the rink and headed inside. Amber's car was parked there, so she must be staying to watch the practice. That would probably be pretty boring. “What's she doing, staying here the whole time?”

Danfield nodded. “She's created this whole issue, told Cole you put the moves on her. She's put her rep on the line, so she's got to stay tight with Cole.” I stared at him. He just shrugged. “I'm used to politics.” She was in the lobby when we walked in and she just stared at us, almost smirking.

“Dude, she's just trying to piss me off,” I said. “I mean, this is my turf and she's here being a skank.”

“Christ,” Danfield said, frustrated. “Don't you get it? That's exactly what she's doing. She's bringing the fight to you, on your territory. And she's keeping tabs on Cole, making sure he knows he's being watched. She's using him like he's a guided missile.”

“If you know so much about how women think, how come you're not getting laid all the time?” I teased, only he didn't laugh. I hurried to make amends. “I'm sorry. I was just trying to be funny and it ended up being stupid.”

“It's cool,” he said. We walked into the locker room and I headed over to the seniors' side, away from Cole.

“This isn't rookie-land,” Farrier said. He was big on his rights as a senior.

“He's with us for a few days,” Turner said, and his level of respect was so high Farrier just shut up and said nothing. Turner looked at me. “Just stay out of his way. We'll have things under control soon.”

“How?” I asked.

“None of your fucking business,” Turner said, pissed off.

“Sorry,” I said lamely. I blocked out the world around me and just got changed. We went out on the ice and did a bunch of drills, the same ones we'd been doing since we were Bantams. Then we split up into two teams to play a practice game.

Danfield and Cole were both on the other team. I liked playing against Danfield during these practices because I could fuck around with him and kind of piss him off. I was at Center Ice, ready to take the face off. “I'm gonna knock you on your ass Turner,” I said. He was on the other team too.

“That's how all your wet dreams start,” he said, making me laugh so much that I missed the face off. Fucker. They drove into our zone, but one of our defensemen, Mackey, snaked the puck from Farrier and flipped it forward to me. I maneuvered it handily around Cole, taking a second to look at his face. He was crazed, totally full of hate and anger. I took the puck into their zone and saw Gillespie in front of the goal. I passed the puck over to him then relaxed. I didn't have the puck so I wasn't vulnerable to a check, or so I thought.

I had too much momentum so I'd have to skate around behind the net. I went toward the board and had just begun to make my turn to the left when I felt this massive blow as someone ran into me, driving me into the boards. Cole. I felt my body flying toward the boards and tried to brace myself, but the force was too much. My body slammed into the boards while his drove into me. The force snapped my head forward and it smashed into the glass on the side.

After that it was like I was completely drunk. My head hurt, my whole body hurt. I had felt myself falling, then I was on the ice, looking up as the lights seared into my eyes, the lights from the rink. “Matt, dude, are you OK?” I heard Danfield ask. My eyes flickered, trying to stay open. Danfield stared at me nervously, really worried. It was nice that he cared. The haze didn't want to go away, but I pulled myself out of it to try and at least be coherent.

There was yelling, loud yelling not far from me. “You did that to one of your teammates over pussy?” That was the coach. “Are you fucking insane?” I had to force myself not to smile.

“You think you can get up?” Danfield asked.

“You help me?” I asked feebly. LeBrand was there to help too.

“That fucking skank has done half the fucking university,” I heard Turner yell. “I fucked her. You fuck her Gillespie?”

“Yep, I fucked her,” he said.

“Me too,” said LeBrand next to me. About half the team had done her. It was fucking hilarious.

“You're a piece of shit Weber,” Turner said. “I don't even want to be on the ice with you.” He skated over to me and took over for LeBrand. “Dude, I'm sorry. I thought we had this handled.”

“It's cool,” I said, but I still felt fucking dizzy.

The coach appeared in front of me. “You OK?”

“I feel a little dizzy,” I said.

“Fuck,” he said, of course. “Danfield, take him to the fucking hospital.”

“Got it coach,” Danfield said politely.

“You heard him,” I said as soon as we were out of his earshot. “You have to take me to the fucking hospital, not the non-fucking hospital. That's the hospital for sluts.” Danfield and Turner cracked up. They helped me pull off all my gear and then dragged me into the showers. How I managed not to get hard was a miracle. I guess I really was fucked up.

The whole team filed in while I was getting into street clothes. Turner jumped up and headed toward the door and I heard him yelling. “You get the fuck out of here asshole! You can change when everyone else is done and out of here. You don't deserve to share a locker room with the team.” He had to be talking to Cole. I thought about how bad that would affect him. I'd never taken a cheap shot as bad as the one he'd just given me, but I still felt sorry for him. I had to get a grip and stop being such a fucking pussy.

“You ready?” Danfield asked me. I nodded and handed him the keys to my GMC. I still couldn't walk very well on my own, so he helped me out. Just the feel of his strong arm around me, of his body next to me, was energizing. As we were leaving I saw Amber and Cole over in the corner. He was still dressed in his hockey gear, but she had her arm around him consoling him. We hopped into the GMC and he started heading down the El Camino. “When's the last time you let someone drive your SUV?”

“Been a while,” I said. I didn't tell him that no one drove my GMC. “But I trust you with my baby.” I was surprised to find that I was sincere, and actually relaxed. Stunning.

“Did you say you wanted to have my baby?” he asked, joking.

“Yeah. Absolutely,” I joked back. Then I got serious again. “What happened?”

“As soon as you got the puck he drove at you. You passed it and he picked up his pace, it was fucking blatant. You took one major fucking hit dude.” He paused. “He'll be lucky to just be suspended for the rest of the season.”

“That fucking cunt really got to him,” I said bitterly.

“Yeah. After you took the hit I looked through the glass and saw her snickering. Fucking bitch! But he's in charge of his own life. If he's that whipped, it's just pathetic.” He stuck his hand out at me. “Give me your cell phone.”

“Why?”

“I'm going to call JP and let him know you're going to the hospital,” he said.

“Dude, don't bug him,” I said. His hand was there, in front of my face. He had really nice hands. Long fingers that were just like the rest of him. They looked so refined, like they'd be better at playing a piano than hockey, yet they were calloused and scraped from the game, making them seem masculine at the same time.

“What are you doing? Give me your phone,” he said.

“I was looking at your hand,” I said. “I bet you give amazing hand jobs.” He laughed a bit but stuck his hand back in front of me. “I'll call him.”

He drove on while I dialed JP. It went to voice mail so I left him a message then called Stefan.

“Matthew!” he said as soon as he picked up the phone.

“Hey Stef, I'm just calling to let you know I'm heading to the hospital...” before I could get any farther he stopped me.

“What happened? What's wrong?” His panic alone told me how much he cared about me. It was really nice.

“I got slammed into the boards during practice and I’m a little dizzy. Danfield, I mean Wade,” I said as I looked at Danfield with a wink, “is taking me to the hospital. They just want me to get checked out.”

“I will be there shortly. You will ask for Jack,” he ordered.

“Stef,” I began to whine. I didn't want to bother Jack.

“Hand the phone to Wade,” he ordered.

“He wants you,” I said, handing him the phone.

“Like we didn't already know that,” Danfield said as he took the phone from me. “Hey Stef.” He didn't say anything else until he said “Bye.”

When we got to the hospital Danfield took complete charge, shoving me into the background. It only took about five minutes for Jack to appear. “You're very pretty today,” I told him, cracking him up.

“We're going to examine you. I'm going to throw in a colonoscopy just for fun,” he joked.

“You need to work on your bedside manner,” I told him. I was absorbed into the bowels of the hospital then, where they checked me over periodically while I just lay there and dozed in and out of sleep. Finally Jack came in to see me.

“Well, you don’t seem to have a concussion,” he said. “Lucky for us you're thickheaded.”

“Very funny,” I said. “So will I live?”

“It would seem so,” he said sadly. “You are going to have a headache for a while and that bruise to your cheek will be just about ripe for a nice ghoulish look on Halloween. You need to rest for a day, then you're off the ice for at least three days. If your headache hasn't gone away completely before then, come back here and see me.”

“We play Cal this weekend,” I whined.

“Cardinal's going to have to make this one without you,” he said. “I'm serious. You can't be on the ice until we're sure you're OK. And those are the orders that your coach will get.”

“He's more afraid of Cal than you,” I joked.

“He's more afraid of JP than anyone,” Jack said, pointing out the obvious.

“Fine. I'll just go back and hang out in my room,” I said.

“Nope. Tonight you're at Escorial,” he ordered. Fuck. “I'll see you later on.”

“Thanks Jack,” I said. He took me out to the lobby where Stef, JP, Frank, and Danfield were waiting for me. I gave them hugs in that order, until I got to Danfield. I'd never shown any physical affection toward him before. It wasn't part of our relationship, until now. I stepped forward and pulled him in for a big hug. I figured he'd freeze, but he didn't, he hugged me back warmly.

I'd never been big on hugs until I moved out here and started hanging out with these guys. Then I'd learned that all their hugs were different. Robbie's were the most intense, because he just completely absorbed me. It was like merging with him. JP and Brad had similar hugs: it was about an energy exchange, giving or getting strength from the other. Cody and Stef; well, their hugs were all about sex. I felt myself smile a little bit. This was entirely different. When I hugged Danfield, I felt complete. It was euphoric and restorative all at the same time. I pulled myself out of my introspection when I felt him start to pull away. We'd probably hugged too long and made a scene, but I really didn't care.

I looked at my watch; it was 7:30. “We missed dinner,” I said to JP. He shook his head while Stef giggled.

“We will see if we can drum up something anyway,” he said. “You are coming with us?” That was directed at Danfield.

“I should get back to the dorms. I've got a bunch of work to do.”

Suddenly the thought of him being gone was like the worst thing in the world that could happen. “Dude, I was thinking that maybe you could get my books and bring them up? Bring yours and we can get some work done and get some non-cardboard food.”

“Alright. I'll be there as soon as I can,” he said. I knew the offer of real food would do it. He took my GMC back to campus.

Rafael was waiting with the limo; he'd brought Stef and Frank down. We piled in and I pretended to doze off to avoid conversation. I had a lot to think about. I hadn't really been all that pissed at Cole until I found out I couldn't play this weekend. Now I was really pissed. Games against Cal were the best games, and after this, we only had one more series for the rest of the season. The rivalry was so intense you could feel it even when you were outside the rink. I reverted to thinking about Cole. He had made a mistake, a big mistake. Not only was that hit a cheap shot, it was a dumb one. He didn't even make any attempt to disguise it. He'd be lucky if he played hockey again, at least in college. I found I didn't feel sad about that at all.

Then I thought about Danfield. We'd been friends, teammates, roommates, and it had been platonic. I never really even thought about just sucking his dick to get him off. He was just like those southern belles that weren't just giving it up casually. To him, sex, any kind of sex meant a big deal. And even helping him get some relief from his hormonal drives wasn't part of our bond. Then I'd hugged him, and that had changed everything. I don't know if he felt it or not, but I sure as fuck did.

“That was quite a hug you got from Wade,” Stef said, reading my mind. I willed my body to work with me, to not react, but I lost the battle and felt my face break into a grin.

“It was.” Stef giggled and even Frank smiled at me indulgently. “Was it long? Did we make a scene?”

“It was long, but no one was looking,” Stef said.

“What do you think it meant?” I asked him, desperate to know.

“I think it means he likes you,” Stef said. “Whether he likes you in a non-heterosexual way, I cannot tell.” Non-heterosexual? Too funny. “What did it mean to you?”

“That is what heaven would be like, if there were one,” I said. Stef started laughing, and even Frank joined in. “But he's not gay.” Stef looked at me funny. “Is he?”

“I do not know. I have not slept with him. Yet,” he joked.

“He's off limits,” I said firmly, before I could stop myself. Frank did this laugh and snort thing he and Robbie did.

“Then you must bring me alternative young meat,” Stef said, making it sound like I was leading lambs to the slaughter. Not a bad analogy, I thought. We got to Escorial and Isidore greeted me with her normal charm and grace, then led us into what used to be the TV room. It still was, in that it had a monster television, but it had been redesigned with really cushy leather sofas and chairs. It was the kind of place you could go into, collapse, and watch a good game on TV.

JP walked in right after us. “What happened?” he demanded.

“I hugged Danfield and it was hot as hell,” I said playfully.

He grinned slightly. “That's not what I mean,” he said.

“Cole slammed me into the boards. It was a cheap shot, and it was blatant. The coach went apeshit, and so did Turner,” I said. I watched as JP's expression changed from relatively calm, to that look he got when he was really pissed off. “JP, don't get involved. Really. The coach was so pissed off that Cole will be lucky if he gets to play college hockey again.” Then I remembered what Stef had told me about JP. He took care of his own, of his family, and that included me. I stopped feeling sorry for Cole and started to worry about him. “Besides, it's not really him, it's Amber. She's got him wrapped around her finger and she's just using him to cause drama.”

“She sounds like a lovely young lady,” he said dryly.

“She's a bitch. And you know the sad thing? I'll bet anything she prodded Cole to do that. She was even at practice to make sure he did it. He'll get in all kinds of shit, nothing will happen to her, and then she'll dump him.” What a cunt.

“Karma usually catches up to people like her. Although sometimes it does need a little help,” he said.

Danfield came strolling in with our book bags and put them by the door. “Hungry?” I asked. As if on cue, Anna came in with a bunch of cheeseburgers. I wolfed down two and so did Danfield. It was funny to see Stefan pick one up and look at it disdainfully, especially as the juice from the burger dripped down on his hand.

“It is hard to comprehend that this is a staple of American life,” he observed.

“Cheeseburgers always make me think of you,” JP said lovingly.

“Because they're all meat?” I asked. Danfield chuckled.

“No, because it was the first meal we had together. Don't you remember?” JP said.

Stef smiled at him, the love he felt was so visible on his face it was really touching. “I remember. It was at that nasty diner in Claremont, but I was so hungry it tasted better than Spago.” For the gazillionth time I hoped I'd be lucky enough to find someone like that to love, and who would love me back. We finished our dinner and I dragged Danfield down to my room to camp out and do homework.

I was tired from my trauma, and my head really ached, but I didn't want him to leave, so I stayed up and forced myself to get shit done. With the help of Tylenol, I ended up being amazingly productive. “It's 2am,” he said, yawning. “I gotta go back and crash.”

“Stay here,” I said.

“Dude, I am so not going to impose on your family,” he said, shaking his head.

“You're not imposing. They like you. Besides, you can just stay in here. It's not that much smaller than our dorm room,” I pointed out.

“Yeah, but there's only one bed in here,” he pointed out and gave me a suspicious look.

“I'll behave myself,” I swore, although after that hug I wondered if I could. “But if you want, I'll move another bed in.”

“Really, it's just too big of a hassle,” he said.

“Well, I was thinking that way you could take me to class when you go,” I argued on. He stared at me. “Alright. Fuck it. I just don't want to be alone,” I finally admitted.

“I wake up with a dick in my ass, you're fucking toast,” he joked.

“Well I was thinking more of your dick in my ass,” I said with a leer. “But I promised to behave myself, and I will.” We stripped down to our boxers and climbed into the bed. It was a queen size bed, so there was enough room for both of us. We both started out on our sides, facing out and away from each other, but I couldn't be so close to him and not look at him, so I gently moved onto my back.

It was funny, I'd watched him sleep in the past, not really aware of how much I liked him, and I'd memorized his sleep patterns. I knew he wasn't asleep because he wasn't making his cute half breathing half whistling sound. He rolled over onto his back, and then he rolled over again like he was going to roll over on his other side, only his movements brought him right up against me, in the perfect position to just snuggle up together. His leg was draped over mine; his arm sprawled across my body. His face was buried in my neck, his breath softly flowing against my skin in what had to be the most erotic use of wind ever. I felt his smooth, soft skin against mine, the contact so stimulating it was just short of maddening.

I wrapped my arm around him and pulled him in tightly, then gently stroked his back. I couldn't see his face, but I could feel his smile. And no matter what he thought, I knew this was all bullshit. He was as wide awake as I was.