Bloodlines - 52. Chapter 52

April 24, 1999

“Happy Birthday dear Matt, Happy Birthday to you,” we sang, concluding that hideous birthday song. I looked over at Matt and saw him wallowing happily in the spotlight. Sometimes he could be such an attention whore.

“Blow out the candles,” insisted JJ. He was so cute, and so funny. It was awesome the way he refused to shed his boyishness, despite, or perhaps because of his much more mature-acting brothers.

“What did you wish for?” Darius asked.

“He can't tell you or it won't come true,” JJ said. Then he looked at Matt really insistently. He and Matt seemed to share a really special bond, which kind of surprised me since they really weren't alike at all.

“That's not the rule JJ,” Matt said, grinning at him. “You're allowed to tell one person.” Matt motioned him over. JJ literally bounced around the table and Matt pulled him into a hug and whispered in his ear. JJ giggled and headed back to his seat, looking at his brothers with an air of superiority. They pretended to ignore him, but they were obviously jealous. Such a silly little vignette, yet so funny.

“And now we must cut the cake,” Isidore said. She looked at Stef and I knew she was about to give him shit. “You cannot have any. Now that you are so old, it may make you fat.”

“Stef's not fat,” Brad said before Stef could get irritated. “Robbie, on the other hand...” he teased as he poked Robbie.

“I am not fat,” Robbie said indignantly.

“You all missed out on some interesting meetings at Wade's club,” Stef said, changing the subject. “You will never believe whom I got to see.”

“Benjamin?” Brad asked.

“Who told you?” Stef asked, all mad. “Can you believe that he was not happy to see me? After all that we have been through together?”

“I think you mean after all you put him through,” JP joked. That got a laugh.

“So how are things going with this club JP?” Isidore asked with that twinkle in her eye, the one she had right before she nailed someone. “Have they charged you with sexual harassment yet?”

“Hardly. No risk of that unless Stef goes,” he said. He was in a remarkably good mood today. And dinner went on like that, a lot of fun, until my cell phone rang. I looked at the caller id and saw that it was my father.

“Excuse me,” I said, and then got up and left the room as I answered the phone. “Hello,” I said cautiously.

“Hey Wade, it's your father. Uh, is it OK if I call you?” he asked. He sounded nervous.

“Sure. What's up?” I asked. This was a little strange.

“Guess who's planning to run for President?”

“You?” I asked, teasing him.

He laughed. “Not likely.” He was always the politician: never say never. “George Bush.”

“He was already president,” I observed. I guess he could run again.

“Not him, his son. The one who's Governor of Texas,” he said.

“Isn't he a little moderate to be the GOP candidate?” I asked. He'd had a pretty good reputation for cooperating with Democrats in Texas.

“Well, what he's like now and what he's like to get elected will be two different things. Besides, he's dumb as a board. He'll have people around him to guide him,” he said condescendingly. Just like Mother guided you, I thought cynically. He rambled on and on for a while about the upcoming elections and about who he thought would win. It was the first conversation I could remember where I'd actually enjoyed talking to him.

“Today is Matt's birthday, and there's a party, so I really have to go,” I told him. I actually felt kind of bad about that. Weird.

“I didn't know. I'm sorry to interrupt. Tell Matt I said ‘Happy Birthday’ if you think that won't ruin the day for him.”

I turned that into a joke by laughing. “It's not a problem.”

“Is it alright for me to call you like this once in a while?” he asked.

“Yeah Dad, I'd like that,” I told him, and found that I meant it. I closed the phone and just stared off at the view of the Bay. This place had such amazing vistas. I was going to see David on Tuesday. We had a lot to talk about.

“Where were you?” Matt asked when I got back to the room. “You were gone a long time.”

Some people would have found that annoying, but I knew him. He just missed me. “My father called.”

“Oh. Terrific,” Matt said. Then he gave me an apologetic look. He was trying to be supportive, but even if I could forgive my father, I wasn't sure if he could.

“He told me to wish you ‘Happy Birthday’ if it wouldn't ruin your whole day,” I joked, setting the tone back to fun and happy.

“As long as you're here, nothing can ruin my day,” he told me with a smile. We had a really nice party, and a nice evening. It was around 10pm when we finally found ourselves outside, Matt and I, talking to Brad and Robbie. I swallowed hard, and then said what I needed to say.

“Thanks for that Christmas present, for letting me go see David,” I said to Robbie. He gave me that priceless grin of his.

“Has he helped you out?” he asked.

“He has. I'll probably need to see him more in the upcoming months,” I told them grimly. “You don't have to keep paying the bills though,” I added hastily. I didn't want them to think I was mooching off their generosity.

“No way. You go as much as you want. It's probably the best way I could spend money,” he said.

“Why would you need to go more?” Brad asked. He was so inquisitive, always looking for the hidden meaning, the reasons behind the action.

“My father came to see me this week,” I said nervously.

“Did he hurt you?” Brad asked, fire in his eyes. Just like Matt, I thought playfully.

“No, he came out to apologize,” I said.

“He thinks you're just going to forgive him for that, pretend nothing ever happened?” Robbie asked. The tone of his voice said he thought I was an idiot if I did.

“He knows it's not that easy,” I said. I wanted to go on, but I couldn't. I looked at Matt, begging him with my eyes to go on for me, and just as he usually did, he read my mind.

“It seems that the Senator was abused by his own father as well,” Matt said. “He seemed to think that's how you show your son that you love him.”

They just stared at me, amazed. “Wow. That's a lot of shit to dump on your shoulders,” Robbie said. “Go see David as much as you need to.” That actually made me laugh.

“It's weird. I don't hate him anymore, but I'm not ready to let him back into my life, at least not fully,” I told them.

“Speaking of getting back into you,” Matt said with a leer, making us all laugh. Then he led me back down to our bedroom and I really gave him a happy birthday.

April 27, 1999

“Good afternoon Wade,” Dr. Sizemore said. He was handsome in an intellectual kind of way. I liked him.

“Hey,” I said. But I wasn't there for pleasantries. I dove right in and told him all about my meeting with my father and about our phone conversation after that.

“It's quite common for an abuser to have been a victim themselves,” he observed when he was done.

“Yeah, but that seems like a big cop-out,” I told him bitterly. “It's like that gives him an excuse. Everything in our lives is based on family and heritage, so I guess it makes sense that would too. But that doesn't change what he did.”

“So how do you feel about him now?” he asked me.

I pondered that for a minute. “Confused. I went from hating him a week ago, to where I am now. I don't hate him, but I don't really know how I feel about him.”

“That is normal, completely normal. You have a lot to deal with and so does he. It's unrealistic to think that you'd just forgive him and move on, and it sounds like even he understands that,” he said. “How does it make you feel when he calls you?”

“Actually, I kind of like it. It's nice to have him finally pay attention to me, at least without using his dick. It's weird though. All he talks about is politics.” He'd called me again yesterday to fill me in on some salacious rumors flying around the Capitol.

“I think he's looking for common ground, something to build a relationship on. He knows this is something, an interest you both share,” David said. “If he were my patient, I'd probably advise him to do the same thing.”

“You mean it's not genuine, that he's just doing it because his shrink told him to?” I asked, pissed off.

“That's not really fair Wade. I give you advice, but it's up to you to act on it. It works the same way for him. I think the effort is sincere. I have no way of evaluating whether the feelings behind it are sincere as well.”

I thought about my reaction. “I guess I'm not as in control of this as I thought I was.”

He smiled at me. “You set huge goals for yourself, Wade. Sometimes they are unachievable. I have a feeling that you think this is something you'll have all worked out in a very short period of time. It isn't. This will take you time, time to get through it, time to get over it.”

“How long?” I asked, almost a whine.

“You know I can't answer that, and neither can you. But right now, you're feeling confused, and probably a little numb, right?” he asked. I nodded. “But when you thought he was faking this, your anger was quick and intense.” I nodded again. “Those are the kinds of feelings buried inside you. They'll come out, bit by bit, and you'll deal with them. Think of it as a huge vat full of wine. You take out a glass at a time, drink it, evaluate it, and then eventually the vat is empty. When that happens, you'll be through this.”

“What should I do?” I asked.

“I think you should talk to him when he calls you. Build the rapport. That may spark some intense reactions, but he'll be expecting that. He's making the same journey you are, Wade, only he has the guilt of what he did to you to bear. He probably wishes he could deal with his father, talk to him, so he's trying to give you that opportunity.”

“I feel like I should hate him, but I don't. I feel like I should spend time with him, that I'd enjoy that, but part of me finds that repulsive,” I told him.

“That's perfectly fine. That's why taking this slowly, pacing yourself with him, is probably best,” he said. “I'd like to see you weekly, at least for now.” I nodded and set up another appointment.

I got into my BMW and found that I didn't hate it any more. It was funny, because I could actually start to experiment with some of the features and enjoy it for the first time. Why was I so quick to grasp at a relationship with my father? Why didn't I just tell him to fuck off? Because I was alone, all alone, I told myself. My mother was the devil incarnate; my sister was just like her; while Beau was too young and had his own issues to deal with. My father was the only family member I had even a chance of relating to, at least for now. Otherwise, I was all alone.

Then I thought of Matt, and that made me smile. He was so amazing. He sensed my moods, pulling me in when I needed him, and pushing me away when I needed my space. He made my body do things I never thought it could do before, and that gave me an erection to go with my smile. Then they both faded. I'd built my whole world around him, and around his family. What if our relationship blew up? We were both 19 now. Well, I would be on May 15, but close enough. That's really young to find your soul mate. What would happen if I lost him? How would I survive that? All of this shit, all the stuff I'd been through with my parents, I'd handled that. I wasn't sure I could handle losing Matt. And it wouldn't be just losing Matt, it would be losing his whole family. JP, Stef, and all of them treated my like a member of their clan, but that would change if Matt and I weren't together. I'd found such joy in my relationship with JP, such a kindred spirit. To lose that would be wrenching.

I got back to Escorial, where I was meeting Matt for dinner, and found myself pretty much alone. That was fine with me, since I was in an introspective mood. I stood there in the Great Hall, admiring the medieval furnishings that I found so compelling but that seemed so incongruous with the rest of the house, and with this family.

“Well hello,” JP said. He walked up to stand next to me.

“Hi,” I said pleasantly, and put my arm around him. These people were big on physical affection. I could tell that JP, like me, wasn't as into it as the others, but it was something we both seemed to be dealing with.

“What are you doing in here?”

I smiled. “I'm trying to figure out why this room is decorated in this Gothic style that doesn't seem to fit you, Stef, or anyone that lives here.”

He laughed. “Well, there's a reason for that. When I first bought this house, I wanted to rip all the wood paneling down, but it was so beautiful, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Stef's been dying to redecorate it, but I've gotten used to it like this. It's traditional, and it reminds me of my heritage. A room that tells me to look back.”

“Is that why André's statue is in here?” I asked, and immediately regretted it. I didn't want to bring up unhappy thoughts.

“I don't think that's why, even if it is appropriate.” He thought for a few moments. “Maybe you're right. Maybe that is why. So how did your appointment go?”

“It went well. It's going to be a long road,” I told him. I felt all my insecurities fly up again, the fear I had of being alone.

“You're worried that you have too much of yourself revolving around Matt?” he asked, reading my mind.

“How come it pisses you off when people read your mind, but you think it's OK to do that to me?” I asked, slightly perturbed.

He laughed. “That's an excellent point, Wade. I apologize.”

“It's OK,” I said, relenting. “I don't know if I could handle life without him,” I said, opening up to him.

“I've had men in my life that I felt that way about, but when I had to move on, I found the strength to do it. You will too. But I don't think you'll have to. I think Matt's feelings are as strong as yours.”

“Yeah. Easy for you to say,” I joked, sort of.

“Well, for the record, if you two don't make it, if things don't work out, you will still have a place here with us,” he said.

“You offering to adopt me?” I joked, using humor to deflect the feelings of gratitude I felt for what he said.

“I would. I would in a heartbeat. I'd be proud to have a son like you,” he said sincerely.

I felt a tear fall down my cheek, then another, while he just smiled and wiped them off my face for me. “Thanks, JP. I don't think you know how much that means to me, to know that you're there for me.”

“You're wrong. I know exactly what it means to have someone like that.” He gestured toward a portrait of an older lady. “That's my aunt. We called her Tonto. You would have liked her. In her old age, she pretended to be all grumpy, but it was just an act. She was there for me when André died and I came out, when I had no one else. I know.”

I gave him a big hug, and it felt completely natural. “I guess this means I can't sleep with Stef?” I joked. He just laughed, and left me so he could wander off and find his partner.

May 8, 1999

The plane descended into Cleveland and I found myself getting really tense. I'd been dreading this visit, but not because of my parents. We'd been doing great. It was because I was going back to this place that I really didn't like anymore. It was only a year since I'd graduated with Kelso and Garner, before I'd even met Stef, JP, Robbie, Brad, or any of the members of my family, yet it seemed so foreign now. A different world that was no longer part of me.

“You OK?” Wade asked, and that put a smile on my face. He was so fucking awesome. He knew me so well, knew all of my moods, all of my reactions. Sometimes it pissed me off, because it felt like he was managing me, but most of the time I appreciated how thoughtful he was.

“Yeah, just a little nervous,” I told him.

“Why? Your parents are cool with you now,” he said. There was a tinge of envy in his eyes. I thought about all the shit he'd had to deal with, and how well he'd done. He really was amazing.

“Well, the last time I was here wasn't the best visit,” I said.

He laughed. “You mean your trip to the Country Club? Are we going back there?”

“I hope so,” I told him. I'd love to see the look on Geneva Kelso's face when we walk in with my parents. “So now you're a member of the ‘mile high’ club,” I said, changing the subject and reminding him of the great fuck we'd just had.

“Who says that's my first time on a plane?” he asked playfully. My thoughts and our conversation were interrupted when I felt the plane touch down. It taxied over to the terminal while we got our stuff together. The door opened to reveal cool weather with a light drizzle, typical for Cleveland at this time of year. But the surprise was that my parents were there at the bottom of the stairs waiting for us. I'd just expected a car.

I rushed down the stairs and gave them both big hugs. “You didn't have to come down here to get us,” I said.

“You always come pick us up,” my father said logically. “It's the least we could do.”

“Wade, how fantastic that you could join us,” Mummy said to Wade, giving him her standard demi-hug. It was funny how she'd decided to like Wade. I guess she approved of my choice of boyfriend.

“Thank you for inviting me Mrs. Carrswold,” Wade said, turning on his charm. I wanted to drag him back up into the plane and fuck him again.

“We're getting wet. Let's get into the car,” my father said, guiding us into his massive Mercedes. “It's nice of you boys to come out here for Mother's Day.” Mummy looked back at me and gave me a big smile. Somehow, being back in their good graces felt a little strange. I decided that was because when they came to see me, when they visited the hospital, I was out cold and it was all a blur to me. But Wade was there, he was the one who called them. Maybe that's why they decided to like him. They drove us back to the familiar house, looking so cold and ominous. Why wasn't I happier to be here? It pissed me off, and I worried that they'd see through me, see my emotions.

We got home and I went to lug our overnight bags up to my room, and then paused as I wondered about sleeping arrangements. Surely they would have gotten a room ready for Wade? If I'd brought a girl home, they'd have made her sleep in a different room.

Mummy must have sensed my dilemma. “If you want, you can both stay in your room. If not, the guest room next door is ready for you, Wade.” I stared at her, stunned.

Wade was faster on his feet than I was. “Thank you Mrs. Carrswold. That's very thoughtful of you. If you don't mind, I'd like to go hang up my clothes?”

“Certainly. We'll see you shortly. I thought we'd have dinner in tonight,” she said with a soft smile.

I led Wade up to my old room. He walked around, looking at the posters on the wall, mostly of hockey players or hot chicks, and at my trophies. “Dude, you won a lot of awards,” he said.

“You didn't have any trophies displayed in your room. As good as you are, you had to have some,” I said. He rolled his eyes at my compliment

“I just never put them out. I don't know why,” he said. I moved up behind him and wrapped my arms around him. What a twisted life this guy had had.

“Have I told you today that I love you?” I asked him.

“Only when we were fucking,” he said, leaning back into me.

“I love you Wade,” I said. He turned around and wrapped his arms around me, and gave me a nice kiss.

“I love you too Matt,” he said. But he was nervous. Something was bothering him.

“What's wrong?”

“I've built my whole world around you. That's a lot of pressure on you. I guess seeing you here with your parents, and seeing you with everyone in California, makes me think you've got a lot bigger support base than I do.”

It would be easy to get pissed at him for questioning my love and sincerity, since that's what he was doing, but he was just sharing his insecurities, exposing his deepest self to me. I knew this had been gnawing at him lately, but I'd waited for him to bring it up. “None of them, not one, is more important to me than you are. What do I have to do to prove that to you?” I demanded, not in an unfriendly way, but in an aggressive way.

He shook his head. “It's just all this shit with my dad; it's making me feel insecure. I figured it would do just the opposite.”

“You're dealing with it really well. You never stop impressing me,” I told him sincerely. “When you're famous, I wonder if you'll still want me around. You'll probably trade me in for a newer model with a bigger dick,” I joked.

“I doubt that. Besides, your dick is perfect,” he said, whispering in my ear. “It feels so good inside me.” He was teasing me, trying to get me horny, and it worked.

“I think we need to take a shower before dinner,” I said, and started pulling off my clothes. In no time at all we were naked, and I had a chance to once again admire his perfect body and his cute, unique dick. I led him into the bathroom, got the water warm, and guided him in, grabbing his ass.

“I was worried that you'd be too horny for me to handle,” he said into my ear as he spun me around. I felt his hands on my ass, soapy hands. “I was wrong. You fire me up so much. God, you make me so horny.”

His dick was pushing at my ring and I pushed back, taking him inside, welcoming him into my body. I could feel his strong thrusts, both inside and out, as his muscular pelvis slammed into my ass. Being with him like this was almost surreal it was so good. I thought about all the guys I'd been with, and how none of them had brought me to this place, to Nirvana. I lost track of how long we fucked, I just enjoyed it, the feel of him inside me, of his hands on my body, his lips on my neck, and the warm water cascading on us. When I came, it was a surprise, but that made it more powerful than ever. I heard myself growl loudly as I shot my first wad, and I heard Wade echo me with his own unique scream as he pumped his load into me. We rode the wave together, plunging along until we were both satisfied. Then we dressed and went down to enjoy a nice, quiet dinner with my parents. We were the picture of domestic bliss.

May 9, 1999

We drove up to the Country Club, all of us a little nervous. “Are you sure you want to go here?” I asked them.

“Yes,” my father said definitively. We pulled up to the portico and handed the car off to the valet, then strolled in to the front entry.

“It's good to see you Dr. Carrswold. Happy Mother's Day Mrs. Carrswold,” the maitre d' said. “And good to see you again,” he said to me, lying. They guided us to a table in the corner, even though my parents were with me, which made me giggle just a little. They didn't want to see a repeat performance of the last time.

Ironically, Chad turned out to be our waiter again. “Hey Matt,” he said, and then got nervous, as though he wasn't supposed to be that friendly with the guests.

“Hey Chad,” I said enthusiastically to make him feel more comfortable. “This is my real boyfriend. Wade, this is Chad.”

“Nice to meet you,” Wade said, and stood up to shake hands.

“We're behaving ourselves this time,” I told him.

“That's almost too bad,” he said, then looked nervously at my parents. He went off to get drinks for us. I smiled when I took a sip of my coke. He'd managed to pop some rum in there for me.

We sat there eating, enjoying our meal, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out why my parents had brought us here. I'd embarrassed them so badly; it seemed strange to bring us to the scene of the crime. “I'm really sorry I embarrassed you,” I said finally.

“You're a fighter Matt. You always have been,” my father said, referring to my desire to tackle problems, not beat the shit out of people. “We pushed you too far, and you fought back. It's done. It's over. Don't worry about it.”

“Thanks, Dad,” I said, feeling tears well up in my eyes.

“So why did you want to come here?” Wade asked for me, just like he'd done in the hospital.

“To show our friends, to show the world that you're our son and we love you,” Mummy said to me. “And to show off your handsome friend.” I laughed at that and so did Wade.

I saw Mrs. Parsons from across the room, and saw the glare in her eyes as she marched over to our table. “Uh oh,” I said.

“Well, well, well, the prodigal son returns,” she said to me snidely.

“It's lovely to have him back,” Mummy said to her. “Matt came back to spend Mother's Day with me. Did your son make it back?” Her son never came home to see her. I smiled at Mummy to thank her. It was like watching a boxing match. Score one for Mummy.

“He's spending the day in Florida with his wife and children,” she said. One for Mrs. Parsons.

“Was that his second or third wife?” Mummy asked sweetly. She glared at Mummy.

I intervened before their claws really came out. “Mrs. Parsons, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend,” I said politely as I stood up. “This is Wade Danfield.”

Wade stood up too and extended his hand to her. She took it reluctantly, as if he had the plague. “It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Parsons.”

“I read about you in the paper when you announced your homosexuality,” she said.

“I hope it was a good article,” Wade said. Damn, he was good. “I spoke to my father, and he got a lot of positive support from his fellow senators. It's so nice to know that many of our legislators have largely allowed their bigoted views of gay people to vanish into history.” It was perfect, the way he reminded her that for all of her imperious behavior here at the club, she was no match for him socially or politically. And he called her a bigot at the same time, in an indirect kind of way that seemed perfect for the setting.

“It was nice to meet you Wade,” she said coldly. “I hope you enjoy your time in Cleveland. Edward, Amanda,” she said, acknowledging my parents, then turned on her heel and trounced off.

Mummy started laughing, and so did my father. “You were great!” I told her.

“Why thank you,” she said. “That woman has been sitting in judgment over others for years, while her own family is hardly above reproach. And you both handled yourselves very well. I'm proud of you.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Carrswold,” Wade said with an appreciative smile. We were almost finished with dinner when I saw Geneva Kelso across the room. I smiled when I thought about how this evening was mirroring my last visit. She came strolling across the room, but without Todd this time.

“Amanda darling, how nice to see you,” she said to Mummy.

“Geneva! What a pleasant surprise! Are you enjoying your day?” Mummy asked.

“I am. Todd came back just to see me,” she said, eying us.

I stood up again. “I'd like to introduce you to my boyfriend, Wade Danfield,” I said. Wade stood up too.

“Geneva Kelso,” she said, shaking his hand.

“It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Kelso,” Wade said.

“This isn't the same boyfriend you were with last time you came here,” she observed. She had that look on her face. She was trying to stir up shit between Wade and me. Like that would work.

“I traded up,” I said. “Lou is a news anchor in Montreal, but Wade's father is a senator in Washington.”

“Well that's just lovely,” she said insincerely.

“Is Todd still dating that girl, what was her name?” Mummy asked.

“I'm really not sure,” she said. “It was nice to meet you, Wade. Matthew,” she said, with a nod, and then walked off.

Mummy giggled. “Todd's dating some white trash girl with bleached blond hair and big breasts. She just doesn't want to admit it.” We all laughed at that.

After dinner they drove us back to the airport. “We'll see you next month,” my father said, surprising me. “JP invited us out for Father's Day.”

“That's awesome, Dad. It will be great to see you both again!” I said. And I actually meant it.