A Different Love - 14. Chapter 14

The strong smell of disinfectant invaded my nostrils as soon as we rushed into the hospital, heading directly for intensive care. Although I’d told him that he didn’t have to, Connor insisted on coming in with me and I was secretly grateful he had. I hated hospitals and was always glad to get out of them as quickly as possible.

Mum was standing at the coffee machine in a world of her own as we rounded the final corner and when she turned towards me her deathly pale, tear stained face stopped me in my tracks. For a second or two I thought we were too late, but something instinctively told me that it wasn’t the case. I rushed to her side and pulling her towards me, asked the dreaded question.

“Mum! How is he?”

“I’m not sure love” she answered tearfully “The doctor’s in with him now, so they asked me to leave the room for a bit”

I nodded my understanding and as she looked over my shoulder the ghost of a smile crossed her face as she noticed Connor for the first time. There was a brief awkward silence as I pondered how best to introduce him, finally settling on the most plausible explanation I could think of.

“Oh mum….this is my friend Connor; he gave me a lift here”

His eyes twinkled and I smiled at him nervously, hoping my explanation wouldn’t arouse any suspicions. Her eyes widened imperceptibly and I wondered for a second or two if she had made the connection between Connor and my imaginary girlfriend, ‘Connie’. In one way I almost wished she had, but now was neither the time nor the place for such a monumental confession.

“Hello Connor, thanks for bringing him”

“It’s no problem Mrs. Wright. Glad I could help”

“It’s ok if you want to go Connor” I said to him quietly, silently hoping and praying that he wouldn’t.

The expression on my face must have told him it was the last thing I wanted and he smiled at me knowingly. He glanced at mum before answering and I reddened slightly.

“It’s ok Jason, I’d rather stick around for a while if that’s ok?”

I was aching to kiss him and feel his strong arms supporting me, but at the moment it was out of the question. All I could do was thank him and somehow hope that he knew how grateful I was.

“Thanks Connor, that’d be great”

Mum suddenly grabbed my arm anxiously and I followed her line of vision along the corridor. A doctor was striding purposefully along the corridor towards us and I knew from the look on his face that he was coming to talk to us. I held my breath as he turned his attention towards mum and smiled at her sympathetically.

“Ah Mrs. Wright, your husband…”

Unable to contain herself, she grasped his arm and interrupted him in a frightened voice “How is he doctor?”

“He’s very poorly at the moment I’m afraid, but we’ve got him stabilized” he explained in a quiet voice “Providing there are no further attacks, he should pull through”

“Can we see him?”

“Yes of course you can, but he’s sleeping at the moment”

He looked at the three of us and his voice held a hint of firmness “Only close family and no more than two at a time though” he warned.

We nodded our agreement and I turned towards Connor before heading in the direction of the wards.

“I’ll let you know what’s happening as soon as I can”

“It’s ok Jason, there’s no rush” he said quietly, pointing to the coffee machine “I’ll wait here for as long as you need me”

I smiled my thanks and followed mum, who was already halfway down the corridor.

“Connor seems nice” she remarked, as I fell into step beside her.

“Yeah, he is”

“It was good of him to give you a lift here and wait around for you” she said, stressing the second part of her sentence “I didn’t realize you had such a good friend”

There was something about the way she said it that immediately put me on the defensive and I tried to sound as casual as possible.

“Oh, I’ve known him for ages”

“It’s just that I’ve never heard you mention him before, that’s all”

I gave a nervous laugh before continuing and suddenly thought I’d have no chance whatsoever of passing a lie detector test.

“Oh, I probably have at some time or another” I answered warily, half under my breath.

“Anyway, I’m pleased to see that you’ve found yourself such a good friend” she said “Make sure you hold on to him”

That’s exactly what I intended to do, in more ways than one, I thought to myself with an inner chuckle.

Was it just my imagination, or was there a barely discernible pause before the words ‘good friend’, changing the meaning of her remarks completely.Even though I sometimes wished they would just guess I was gay, it still didn’t stop me worrying immensely about how they would react when they eventually did find out. Mum and dad had come late to parenting and consequently, were very old fashioned in their views. They’d tried to have children unsuccessfully for years and by the time they’d reached their early forties, pretty much knew it would never happen naturally. They finally decided to try adoption and a couple of years later, baby Jason came along, finally completing theirlong awaited family. The three of us had always shared an incredibly close and loving relationship and I hated to think there was anything that might change that. Even though they were not by biological parents, I couldn’t have felt more loved or wanted my whole life and I would do anything to avoid hurting them. Hopefully mum would be understanding and supportive, whereas Dad on the other hand was a totally different prospect! I was pretty sure he would find it very hard to understand and come to terms with, leaving me no choice for the time being but to keep my feelings hidden. On top of that there was the question of dad’s health. There was no way I wanted to cause him anymore stress at the moment. A discovery as monumental as me being gay could tip him over the edge, and if anything happened, I would never forgive myself. I knew that Connor would say I should tell them, that they would fully understand and accept me, but I wasn’t so sure. There was always the chance it would change things between us forever and for the time being, I refused to risk it.

By this time, we’d reached the ward and the longing to see dad immediately made us fall silent. A nurse directed us to a small dimly lit room at the side of the main ward and save for the steady beep beep of several monitors, the room had a strange feeling of tranquillity about it that seemed to calm my shattered nerves. It was hard to imagine the kind of frenzied activity that must have taken place here when dad was originally brought in, but all I could think of now was how peaceful he looked, despite being hooked up to several machines. Mum sat down in a chair by his side and gently began to stroke his hand. I could see the tears welling up in her eyes as she desperately prayed for his recovery.

“What happened mum?” I asked her quietly.

“We were just watching television” she began, in a bewildered voice “I’d gone into the kitchen to make a drink and when I went back in I immediately knew that something was wrong”

She couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and they ran down her face freely as she hesitantly continued. She grasped my hand tightly and her voice dropped to a shocked whisper.”Oh Jason, at first I thought he was….” She struggled to finish her sentence … I thought he’d gone!”

She became totally overwhelmed with emotion and I held her against my chest as she sobbed uncontrollably for several minutes. Eventually her chest stopped heaving and she lifted her head up, dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief.

At that moment dad suddenly stirred and half opened his eyes. The ghost of a smile crept over his face and I was pretty sure that the fact we were both in the room with him had momentarily registered somewhere inside his brain. He drifted off again and we sat watching his sleeping figure for several minutes, hoping he would open them again. They remained firmly shut however, once more seemingly oblivious to our presence.

After an hour or so mum turned towards me and rubbed my arm. “Look Jason, why don’t you go home and get some rest? There’s nothing you can do here and you’re at work first thing in the morning. You might as well get a lift from Connor if he’s willing to take you home”

I started to protest but the determined expression on her face told me there was no point in arguing. Once she’d made up her mind about something it was extremely difficult to change it and I sighed in resignation.

“But what about you?”

“I’m fine here” she said firmly “I don’t want to leave him, so I’m going to stay with him tonight”

I shook my head in exasperation, dreading to ask the inevitable question. There was no avoiding it though and my heart was gripped with fear as it fell slowly from my lips.

“But what if anything happens?”

“Then I’ll ring you on your mobile” she quickly cut in, anticipating my question “Make sure you take it to bed with you”

I hesitated a little longer before finally seeing the sense in mum’s suggestion. I wasn’t particularly looking forward to spending the night alone in the house, but there was nothing else for it and I kissed her reluctantly on the cheek before standing up.

“Ring me straight away if anything changes, won’t you mum?

She held my wrist tightly and kissed my hand “Yes, of course I will Jason”

I didn’t really need to ask as I knew she would, but I just wanted to hear it for my own peace of mind.

“Ok then mum. I’ll ring you first thing in the morning”

“Ok love. And try not to worry; he’ll be up and about in no time”

I laughed softly and gave a rueful sigh. There was about as much chance of that happening as the sea freezing over. Worrying about dad had become second nature and when something like this happened it was intensified a thousand times.

Connor was still waiting patiently beside the coffee machine when I went back to find him. He smiled as soon as he saw me and a look of concern was etched across his face.

“There you are!” he remarked, immediately hugging me tightly “Are you ok?”

“Yeah not too bad” I whispered, struggling to hold back the tears “Thanks for waiting Connor. You didn’t need to”

“Of course I needed to! You’re my boyfriend Jason. You didn’t think I’d leave you on your own at a time like this, did you?”

My heart leapt at the intensity of his reply. Before I could stop myself, I gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

“Thanks Connor. That means an awful lot”

“It’s no problem Jason. I’m here to support you” he said, gently rubbing my cheek.

“So what now” he asked

“Mum said to go!” I answered, shaking my head helplessly “She’s going to stay with him all night, and as she pointed out, there’s nothing we can do but hope for the best”

“How is he now?”

“He’s still sleeping, but he opened his eyes slightly. I think he knew we were there”

“Good. At least that’s something”

By this time I felt completely drained and empty. Although this wasn’t the first time dad had been rushed to hospital, seeing him like that was no less of a shock than it had been before and I was praying like mad he would make it. From the look on my face Connor realized how gutted I was and immediately put his arm around my shoulders, hugging me close. I nestled my head against his neck for a moment, sighing inwardly at the irony of the situation. It was one of the few places where people probably wouldn’t bat an eyelid to see two men comforting each other, but unfortunately it was more often than not accompanied by pain and tragic circumstances.

“Will you take me into town Connor; I’ll get the bus home”

He gazed at me incredulously as though I’d lost my mind “Don’t be silly Jason! I’ll take you home to Dryford. I hate to think of you on your own”

He must have caught the fleeting look of regret that crossed my face and immediately questioned its meaning “What?”

“It’s nothing, really”

I don’t know if he was tuned into the way I was feeling but he immediately seemed to sense that I wasn't looking forward to being at home alone.

“You’re welcome to stay over at my place tonight if you want to Jason. It’s far better than being on your own”

“I know Connor, and thanks. I’d really love to. But somehow it just wouldn’t feel right to be….you know, when dad’s lying there”

“I don’t mean stay over just to have sex Jason!” he exclaimed indignantly “I just don’t want you to be on your own”

I bit my lip in exasperation, angry at myself for jumping to conclusions.

“I’m so sorry Connor, I didn’t mean to suggest that. It’s just that I don’t think I’d be very good company at the moment”

"Jason! I'm not looking for good company. I want to take care of you"

I groaned loudly and slapped my forehead "Sorry Connor. There I go again. Saying the wrong thing"

"It's ok, you’re forgiven under the circumstances! And stop saying sorry! You’ve got nothing to be sorry for"

He took a sudden look up and down the deserted corridor to make sure the coast was clear before leaning in to kiss me.

“I told you, I’ll look after you" he whispered, just before his lips brushed against mine.

The journey back to Dryford was quiet and uneventful. There was little conversation between us, as thoughts of dad lying in hospital played out in my mind. I tried to think of something else but they stubbornly refused to go away, only adding to my feelings of anguish and despair. I could only imagine how terrified and alone mum must have felt when it happened and I hated to think of dad lying in pain whilst she waited desperately for the ambulance to arrive. There was little doubt in my mind they were still very much in love and if only for her sake, I hoped and prayed he would recover.

My vague instructions to Connor describing the way home had obviously worked and as I emerged from my silent reverie, all that could be heard was the quiet purr of the engine as we stood outside the bungalow. I flinched slightly as he rested his hand on my leg and leant over to kiss me.

“Make sure you let me know how your dad is, won’t you?”

“Yeah, of course I will. I’ll text you as soon as I know something”

Suddenly, a deep sob came out of nowhere and I couldn’t stop the flood of tears that cascaded down my cheeks as the reality of what had happened hit home. Connor immediately pulled me into his arms, rubbing my back soothingly. When my body finally stopped heaving he held me at arm’s length and stared at me defiantly.

“Right, you’re coming home with me tonight Jason. No arguments!”

I smiled faintly, and my shoulders sagged in defeat. Connor gave me a light kiss on the cheek and opened his door

“Come on, I’ll help you get some overnight things”

As we stood in the dark hallway, the bungalow felt cold and uninviting. I quickly snapped on the light and led Connor down the hall towards my bedroom. He sat on the bed whilst I haphazardly threw some clothes into a bag, unable to concentrate properly. Still in a daze, I wandered into the bathroom to collect some toiletries. An involuntary glance in the mirror revealed a red and blotchy tear stained face staring back at me and I quickly splashed it with water in a forlorn attempt to appear somewhere near normal. Connor stood up when I returned to the bedroom and gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

"Ready?"

A sudden overwhelming urge to leave washed over me and I was extremely grateful to Connor for insisting that I stay with him. I quickly stuffed the remaining items into my bag and gave him a weak smile

"Yeah, let's go"

"Showers all yours Jason" Connor called, suddenly bringing me back to reality.

He was standing in the living room doorway of his flat with a towel draped around his waist, his hair tousled and wet. I couldn’t help but admire his naked torso as he stood there invitingly and I smiled at him shyly.

"Ok. Thanks"

The steaming water cascaded down my body as I desperately attempted to wash away the events of the day. Gradually, my worry and anxiety eased a little and I reluctantly stepped out of the warm comforting shower.

When I returned to the living room Connor was sitting on the sofa in just his briefs, waiting for me. He patted the space next to him and I sat down close by, feeling the comforting warmth of his skin as it brushed against mine. He rubbed my leg with the palm of his hand and glanced at my worried expression

"It'll be ok you know, you'll see"

I knew he was doing his best to reassure me and I leant over and kissed him, desperately trying to quell the rising threat of further tears.

It wasn't until we were lying in Connor's bed that I realised how grateful I was that he'd insisted I spend the night with him. Although I was still coming to terms with what had happened to dad, a sudden pang of guilt struck me as my thoughts momentarily centred around Connor. I’d virtually ignored him since the hospital and I knew that he deserved so much more than that. He couldn’t have been more helpful and supportive if he’d tried and I resolved to make it up to him as soon as possible.

Gradually a kind of comforting numbness took over, and with Connor wrapped around me like a warm blanket I fell asleep, hoping and praying that dad would make it.

It was 7:30 am and my phone was beeping insistently on the bedside table. For a second or two I wondered where I was, until I realised that Connor's arm was draped loosely around my waist. Instinctively stretching and sliding backwards, I pressed myself firmly into his groin, feeling the unmistakable pressure of his morning wood as it pushed against my cheeks. In a rush of emotion my heart sank as the events of the previous day flooded back and I reluctantly extricated myself from his arms. As I carefully got out of bed he groaned slightly and immediately rolled over into the warm space left behind.

I grabbed my phone and turned the alarm off before hurriedly checking to see if mum had tried to contact me. There was nothing and I quickly struggled into my jeans in the living room before calling her number.

"Hi Mum, it's me"

Her whispered voice was difficult to hear but the tension and stress in her voice were only too apparent.

"Oh, Hi love. Your dad’s still sleeping at the moment"

"How is he?" I pressed urgently

"As good as he can be. He's had a settled night anyway. The nurse said that's a good sign"

I relaxed slightly, releasing a long stream of air between my lips.

"That's why I didn't ring" she continued "I thought you might as well get a good night's sleep"

Before I could protest she quickly continued "Is the bungalow ok?"

I hesitated slightly, knowing that I couldn’t give a truthful answer "Oh erm, yeah, it's good"

I heard her give a barely discernible chuckle "I thought you might possibly have stayed over at Conner’s house, that’s all"

My heart sank and for a second or two I was lost for words. Finally, I decided to tell a half truth, convincing myself it was better than an outright lie.

"Oh erm yeah. I was going to but Connor stayed over at ours. You don't mind do you?"

I quickly shut the bedroom door before giving a nervous half laugh. "He said the sofa's really hard by the way"

"It's fine. But you should have used our bed. No need for him to be uncomfortable when he's doing you a favour"

I swallowed and gasped in disbelief. For a split second I thought she meant both of us and my heart was in my mouth. When it stopped working overtime I quickly moved on, far too uncomfortable to continue the conversation in that vein.

"I'll come to the hospital as soon as I finish work" I said eagerly "If you’re sure he’s ok"

"Try not to worry Jason, he seems fine"

“Ok mum. See you later then”

“Bye love”

I put the phone down and scrambled into the rest of my clothes. After a bowl of cereal and a quick cup of coffee, I was ready to go. I knew that Connor didn't have to be up yet, but wasn't sure how to say goodbye without disturbing him too much. He was still sound asleep in the middle of the bed when I returned to the bedroom and I smiled and thought how incredibly cute he looked with just his face peeping out from under the duvet. I kissed him lightly on the forehead and thanked him for the previous night, finally whispering goodbye. He stirred slightly and smiled and I knew that somewhere deep down he'd heard me. I would make sure to ring him later on to keep him up to date and thank him properly.