Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (1) - 60. Entry 60

Monday

I ended up chatting a bit with Chandler before going to bed last night. He was nice enough to stay up with me. I don’t think either of us got much sleep last night.

I told him about Billy and Benji and stuff, but not about my hairbrush.

His advice for me with Billy was to continue playing ‘Hard To Get’. I told him about Billy’s reaction to this and he simply said, “Then it’s working!”

That, basically, confused the living fuck out of me and I told him so with frownie 😡 faces and everything! I told him I thought I was losing Billy, not gaining him, and that I think I’m getting Billy’s message to me pretty loud and clear - he’s losing interest in me fast!

“Oh no he’s not! He’s frustrated and that is exactly what you want to see, Bran Bran! See, guys that don’t give a shit don’t go ‘cold-shouldered’ on you. They usually just don’t get that you like them and don’t notice you or what you are trying to do! The frustration is all on you for trying to get their attention and it just doesn’t happen! I’d say, look to some of the girls in your class and see how they look all weird when you’re around, except . . . you wouldn’t notice them because you just don’t care! That is how a truly straight guys regards gay guys, usually. I’mma leave closet cases like Karl out of it for a tick. Straight guys simply don’t react. Billy cares and he gave you that ‘cold-shoulder’ because that’s what he felt he was getting from you! Consciously or unconsciously, he was trying to turn the tables on you and meet you in your game! He moved his checkers piece to counter yours. He probably didn’t even realize that’s what he was doing! He’ll be back! He won’t be able to help himself! Hehehe!” Chandler said with perfect confidence. It’s always this confidence that convinces me of how right he should be about doing stuff that’s ‘Gay’. But, I have to admit that my faith is a little shaken in Chandler’s take on Billy! So, I brought up Benji:

“What about this Benji thing? Should I go for that instead if Billy doesn’t come back?” I asked, trying to ‘turn the tables’ a bit on Chandler to see if I could frustrate HIM as much as he was frustrating me at the moment!

“That’s a classic case of Mr. Right vs. Mr. Right Now! This happens so often in Gay dating and dating in general that it’s a trope on cable sitcoms. I told you that when you started accepting yourself that you were going to turn on the ‘Vacancy’ sign over your head! You have an invisible rainbow flag hanging over your head right now and you don’t even know it! You’re now open to the scene, Brandon, and I told you that you’d attract attention! That you have! This Benji sounds like he’s fucking hawt . . . but, is he who you really want to lose it to? Is he the one you want to be your first?” Chandler asked and that, kind of, stopped me cold like I’d just grabbed my bike brakes too hard!

“I hadn’t given it much thought, really . . .” I responded.

“It’s something to think about and it’s only a decision, I’m afraid, you can make yourself. You can sure lose it to this Benji or Stevie or, even, Jamie . . . since it is possible he might be up for it! But, I can tell you, there’s nothing like the first time you make it with someone you really love! If you can make it the first time with the one you love then you’ll have an experience few get to have! Few can wait for it, but, if you can hold out . . . it’s a uniquely wonderful experience that can only happen once in your life!” Chandler’s voice softened and I could tell he must be speaking from some kind of experience.

“Was that like your first time, then?” I had to ask. I felt instantly regretful since I can only figure it’s a thing too meaningful and too intimate for someone just to tell anyone. But, Chandler said, “Not me, unfortunately. I went with Mr. Right Now and it was, erm . . . ok, I guess.”

“Then how can you know how ‘wonderful’ a first time can be with someone you really love then?” I asked like a lawyer on Law and Order.

“Danny is how I know. I gave him his first time . . . it was just beautiful!” Chandler almost whispered and I could hear a little creak in his voice like he wanted to cry. Fuck me, I can even make the God of Gay Men cry with my whackoness!

But, then again . . . whoa! Danny’s first?

“He waited a long time, Bran Bran. Longer than I ever thought any man could wait. When we made it, we cried for joy together! I know now, given half the chance, I’ll probably marry Daniel and I know he feels the very same way! THAT’s how great making it for the first time with the one you love can be, Baby Boy!” Chandler said with a seriousness I’d never heard in his voice before until he said:

“True love waits . . .”

With that we ended our chat and I watched dawn come up through my window instead of going back to bed.

I did manage to drag my carcass to school this morning. I’m glad I did and I was, somewhat, glad I was a bit zombified, because it made my dead-pan reactions to Billy easier to do. Chandler had, pretty much, convinced me to keep up this ‘game’ a little while longer.

When we met today, Billy looked just as flustered as Chandler said he would. He was fidgety and was having a hard time looking me in the eye. He was also a little flushed in the face! He looked like he had something to ask or say that he really didn’t want to or didn’t want to know the answer or something . . .

I figured it had something to do with Bobby and me going to that horrible Scaur concert on Friday. Honestly, except for the effect it might have on Billy today, I had pretty much put the concert out of my mind. Meeting Benji had been a much bigger deal in my weekend than Bobby and his poor choice in ‘music’.

“Hey Brandon. So how was this weekend with Bobby?” He blurted his question like he didn’t even want to ask it.

I wanted to say it sucked with a capital SUCK, but I let my numbness do the lying for me, “It was alright. I had a good time.” It shrugged out of me perfectly vague and noncommittal. It said what I felt about the whole ordeal which was, basically, nothing!

I swear I saw Billy’s left eye twitch with a spasm of frustration at my no-answer.

“W-well, um . . . was, like, the music ok? Did you and Bobby dance or whatever?” He asked with just the higher pitched whine of a strain in his frustrated throat. God, I hated playing this game!

“Naw, it was ok. Bobby sure had a good time. That was great.” That part was the truth. Bobby did have a good time . . . but somehow I think that was translating into something entirely different behind Billy’s warm, coca-cola stare. He looked away, breaking eye contact, looked at his watch, knowing full well the warning bell for next period had not even wrung yet, and then back at me with this weirdest look of suspicion in his eyes! I had to admit, it was fun watching about twenty different conflicting emotions play across Billy’s preciously cute face in that brief moment.

Chandler was right . . . I’m driving him crazy, aren’t I?

Maybe, I can wait! Maybe, what I’m seeing is the frustration of my cute little Goldfish as he wriggles at the end of my fishin’ line? He might very well be caught! He might be mine already!

But, I still have to wonder and wait.

I’ve even written a poem about this. It came to me as I was listening to a bit of music that didn’t have any sung lyrics. The song matched my longing so much!

Billy still has me wondering . . .

Does he

Love me?

Does he

Love me

Not?

Does he

Want me?

Does he

Want me

Not?

Does he

Need me?

Does he

Need me

Not?

Would he

Remember me

Or

Would he

Remember me not?

~

Does he

Love me

Like I love

Him?

Does he

Want me

Like I want

Him?

Does he

Need me

Like I need

Him?

Would he

Die for

Me like

I would

Die for him?

~

He Loves

Like I love?

He Loves

Not at all?

To be

Or not

To be,

Is all I ask?

To love

and be loved

Is that

too much to ask?

This is Brandon . . . waiting.