A Different Love - 41. Chapter 41

Just as I opened my mouth to finally tell him the whole story the telephone rang, and he frowned with annoyance. Shaking his head, he picked up the receiver and his whole body language instantly changed.

“Dad!” he whispered to me, with his hand over the receiver.

I suddenly felt in the way and decided to leave the room “I’ll go into the bedroom” I whispered back, pointing towards the door.

He nodded his agreement and turned back to answer. With a huge effort I struggled to my feet and slowly made my way to the bedroom.

Why on earth I did that, I don’t know, because I was still able to hear every word he said. I could tell by the anguished tone of Nathan’s replies that his father was extremely annoyed and as hard as I tried, I couldn’t help overhearing his slightly louder than normal, one-sided conversation. As they carried on talking, my heart raced, and I instinctively knew they were talking about me.

“Ok, I heard you the first time…...Look, I'm trying to, but it's not easy.........Dad, I'll do it, but he'll be devastated…..it's not my fault......look, just give me a bit more time......Oh my god dad, don't do that.....”

His desperate responses were heart-breaking to hear, and I couldn’t help feeling incredibly sorry for him. His dad was clearly asking him to do something that he didn’t want to do, and Nathan didn’t seem to have any choice but to obey him. The call abruptly ended and when I hesitantly returned to the room, he was still standing in exactly the same place. He held the phone in a vice like grip and a look of utter devastation was etched across his face. His cheeks were flushed, and a solitary tear ran down his face. I coughed slightly to attract his attention and he gave me a weak smile, unsuccessfully trying to hide his feelings.

“Dad” he said, giving a nervous laugh “On one of his rants as usual”

“Sorry Naith, I couldn’t help overhearing. He must’ve been really upset by the way you were answering him”

He immediately tried to brush it off as something or nothing “Oh you know dad. He’s always upset about something! It’s just a work thing. Nothing for you to worry about!”

It was blatantly obvious he was covering up the truth and was almost certainly aware that I knew it too. If it was to do with work, why would I worry about it anyway? And the Mr Brown I knew was always perfectly pleasant and easy to get on with.

The telephone call had obviously upset him a great deal and for the rest of our conversation he tried unsuccessfully to hide his sad, distraught state of mind.

“Look, maybe we should talk later” I suggested, knowing full well that he would never accept it.

“Oh no you don’t Jason, you’re not getting out of it that easy” he said firmly “Now sit yourself down!”

I gave a sigh of resignation and sank back down on the sofa, holding my ribs in a fruitless attempt to ease the pain. He sat down beside me with an expectant look on his face and raised his eyebrows, waiting for me to begin.

“Aiden and I went to the same school in Hamborough” I said finally, staring into space as the memories came flooding back. "He’s a couple of years older than me and he always had a reputation for being a bully. I hated the way he treated people, usually those guys he thought were gay or wouldn’t fight back. When Liam, Tom’s boyfriend, started at the school he became an immediate target. Although he wasn’t at the school very long, I kind of befriended him. Aiden and I fought several times when he tried to bully Liam and I went home a few times looking as if I'd been pulled through a hedge backwards"

I shook my headed, remembering mum's complaints about my scuffed shoes and ripped trousers.

Nathan’s eyes opened wide with concern, but he didn’t say anything. Instead, an expectant look crossed his face as he silently urged me to carry on.

“Anyway, when I started at the computer store, I was shocked to find that Aiden worked there too. Worse still, he was chosen to train me! I was going to be shadowing him for the next few weeks"

Nathan’s eyebrows rose in disbelief and he couldn’t help uttering an exclamation of surprise. "You’re joking!"

"No, I’m not! I couldn't believe it either! Of course, they weren't aware we knew each other, and I didn't want to cause a fuss on my first day. The thing was though, I needn't have worried. He was absolutely brilliant towards me"

My voice tailed off as I recalled how good he'd been to me when I first started. "It was as if nothing had ever been wrong between us. He was patient and kind and I really warmed to him. He even apologised for what had happened at school! I mean don't get me wrong, we were never going to become best friends or anything. He's just the opposite to me, you know, the macho sporty type, but at least we got along well for a change. At first everything was great. He couldn't have been more helpful if he'd tried, but then his behaviour started to become really weird”

Nathan was listening intently, and his brow creased in puzzlement "Why, what happened?"

"This guy called Craig had started on the same day as me. After a few weeks he and Aiden became really close friends and it seemed to change him completely. For some reason Craig took an instant dislike to me and whenever the two of them were together they were always making stupid comments about me and just generally having a go. It was really strange though, because whenever Craig wasn’t around, Aiden would revert to being this pleasant friendly guy again, you know, as though he’d had a complete personality transplant. Most of the time I just ignored them, and they’d go away. It was never anything particularly serious anyway, just general piss taking, that sort of thing. But it was somehow as if Aiden didn’t want Craig to know he even spoke to me”

“So, I guess it must have become more serious then” he interjected

“Yeah, you could say that! It all started last Monday” I began hesitantly, pausing slightly before continuing “In the storeroom at work”.

I broke off and chewed my fingernail nervously.

“And……” Nathan coaxed, gently urging me on.

I began by telling him all about how Craig had seen us in the cinema together and the suggestions the pair of them had made about us looking ‘cosy’ together. At this point Nathan’s eyebrows rose slightly, but thankfully he remained silent. Next, with some trepidation, I recalled the incident in the village. When I reached the point where Aiden had made his foul-mouthed comment that had caused me to hit him, Nathan as expected, wouldn’t let it go until I’d told him exactly what had been said. He gasped with shock and immediately agreed that he would have done the same. Then I told him about how Aiden had startled me, causing the computer to crash to the floor. He was disgusted by the episode with the pornographic photograph in my locker and astounded when I told him that despite his threats, Aiden had never had the slightest intention of telling Mr. Buchan I’d hit him, preferring instead to taunt me by threatening that he would.

I sighed deeply and shrugged my shoulders, knowing it was time to mention the kiss. My heart began beating slightly faster as the next words tumbled hesitantly from my lips.

“And then there was the kiss.......”

His face clouded over slightly but he quickly gave me a weak smile “So tell me all about it”

I plunged ahead, resigned to the fact I had no choice. “When I realised he had no intention of telling Mr Buchan, I was really angry. I confronted him in the staff room and we almost came to blows"

"Not again!" exclaimed Nathan, raising his eyebrows.

I carried on talking, desperate to get it all out in the open now that I'd started.

"I had him pinned against the wall with my fist raised, but it was really weird. He seemed almost calm and just warned me not to hit him again"

I swallowed nervously before continuing and my stomach began to churn with desire as I recalled the moment. "It was almost as if time stood still. Our faces were only inches apart and then suddenly he kissed me! I mean really kissed me! My head was spinning with shock and confusion and I just kissed him back. I am gay after all Nathan. What would you do if some hot girl suddenly kissed you? Don't tell me you wouldn't kiss her back, because I don't believe you!"

He sighed and shrugged his shoulders "Yeah ok, you're probably right"

"The thing is Nathan, even after everything that's happened……I still feel kinda sorry for the guy, you know. There’s just something about him that I can’t explain"

I held my breath, waiting for the backlash, but instead he just shook his head in amazement.

"Jason! How can you be so understanding after everything he's done?"

"I know, but I'm pretty sure the whole things just got out of hand and now he doesn't know how to put it right. I don't think he really wants to hurt me. There's definitely more to it that meets the eye!"

A slight frown crossed his face as he struggled to understand "How do you mean?"

The thing is Nathan, his mother’s really ill” I began to explain “In fact, mum says she hasn’t got long left!”

Nathan raised his eyebrows in surprise "Phew, that’s hard" he exclaimed "I wouldn't wish that on anyone"

"No, neither would I!”

“It sounds as if he’s going to need someone to support him”

I began to explain about meeting his mother in the village and what I’d overheard her say about his father and brothers. He couldn’t believe it when I told him about helping Mrs. Thompson home with her shopping and the fact that Aiden had told her we were friends.

The question I'd been trying to answer in my mind for several days now suddenly re surfaced and I gazed at Nathan in puzzlement. "I still don't understand it though Naith. Like I said, whenever Aiden was on his own he used to be really friendly. Why has he suddenly turned into this nasty vindictive person whenever he sees me, yet claims to be my friend to his mother?"

"The truth is Jase, I really don't know for certain" he sighed "If I had to guess though it sounds to me as if he's jealous"

"Jealous!" I exclaimed vehemently "He can't be! Why on earth would he be jealous?"

"Hey, it's just my opinion" he protested, raising his hands "I don't know the guy. But sometimes the truth can be stranger than fiction. Perhaps he really does want to be friends with you after all.....or even more.....but now that you've met me he thinks you won't be interested. It did all start going downhill after Craig had seen us together, remember?"

“Hey, wait a minute” I exclaimed, suddenly picking up on a few of his words “What do you mean.....or even more?”

“Jason! I’m not going to spell it out. You’re a guy....he’s a guy! If he’s interested, it might be a good thing”

“Nathan!! How could it ever be a good thing? We’re just not compatible!”

“Look, I just think he might be jealous, that’s all”

Suddenly my heart began beating faster as I digested his theory and slowly everything fell into place. Of course! Nathan had hit the nail on the head; Aiden had to be secretly jealous! It was obvious really, but for some inexplicable reason, it had never occurred to me before, but now it all made sense. His overly patient, kind and friendly behaviour when I'd first started. The rather odd way he'd hidden his feelings from Craig whom he knew had taken an instant dislike to me. His anger when he thought I had a boyfriend and the way it had led him to behave in such an abhorrent way. The more I thought about it the more I became certain it went even deeper than that. Surely the kiss proved it! He'd been unable to hold onto his strengthening feelings any longer and hated the fact that they'd finally been revealed.

The one thing I knew for certain was that I'd never given him any tangible reason to be jealous of me. But was it possible he had an inkling that I’d lusted after him since school and it had finally given him the courage to reciprocate? Or had some underlying actions or inadvertent words secretly been to blame? As hard as it was to comprehend, could it be that his reaction towards me was a clumsy attempt at something more than just friendship. It certainly seemed extremely doubtful, but what other explanation could there be? Perhaps Nathan was right after all. As he’d said, the truth was sometimes stranger than fiction. The thought disturbed me more than I cared to admit, and I couldn't help hoping that Nathan was wrong. Then something else occurred to me and my heart sank even further. Last night he’d said that he ‘didn’t hate me or he wouldn’t have kissed me’

His sudden question broke through my thoughts and I stared at him, wide-eyed with surprise. Because of the way I felt about him it was something I’d never even considered before, but I could tell he was deadly serious.

“Do you have a boyfriend Jase?”

“Unfortunately not!”

I smiled at him and shook my head, trying to lighten the sudden tension with a joke “Unless you’re offering that is” I added cheekily.

He didn’t answer and stared at me hesitantly as if he couldn’t decide whether to continue or not. When he finally did his words shook me to the core.

"Do you think there could be something between you and Aiden?"

I exploded with indignation "WHAT!! NO! He doesn't even like me half of the time"

"But he did kiss you. So perhaps he wants something to happen. Perhaps you want something to happen!"

I shook my head vehemently in denial and gazed at him in trepidation. My heart was racing and I visibly swallowed before saying the actual words to him for the first time

"Nathan, ever since I met you there's only been one person for me. You must know that! I love you more than anything!"

He gazed at me longingly and something in his expression made my heart thump wildly. He looked fit to burst and his face was full of tormented anguish and regret "Look Jason, just don't ok! You know we can't be together....like that. You're only making things worse"

My face went red with emotion and my heart sank like a stone. This was the point in my imagination where he declared his undying love for me and we spent the rest of our lives together. All the longing and yearning suddenly poured out of me in an unstoppable flow

"I know we can't.....ok.....I know that, but it doesn't stop me loving you" I cried, placing my hand over my heart "It doesn't stop it hurting in here!"

"I know that Jason” he cried“ And believe me if it could be any different....Look, I'm really, really sorry"

I don’t know why I asked the next question. Was it just some kind of futile last-ditch attempt to make sure?

“So you don’t love me too then?”

He stared at me beseechingly before ignoring the question "Look Jason, perhaps you could make it work with Aiden?” he suggested, with an air of desperation “You kissed him back after all! You must have felt something!"

I shook my head in confusion, puzzled by his insistence "NO!....maybe.....Oh I don't know, I guess it was just instinct. It wasn't unpleasant, that's all I can say. He's a good looking guy!"

"Jason, I need you to try and make things work with him” he implored me “Do it for me ok. I just want you to be happy. You deserve it!

"But I don't love him Nathan. I love you!!"

He carried on as if he hadn't heard me and his voice was loaded with emotion as his words poured out "Jason you're a good looking guy! Your kind, smart, funny. Awesome to be with! Any guy would be lucky to have you!"

"Any guy except you" I replied bitterly

"Jason, we've already been through this.....I can't ok! You know that"

"Ok, I know that! You don't need to remind me!"

"Well then!"

There was an awkward silence as each of us wrestled with our own thoughts. There was no way I wanted Aiden as my boyfriend. I felt really sorry for what he was going through. For what he still had to go through and I would help him all I could. But the heartbreak and angst of unrequited love with Nathan was incredibly difficult to bear as it was and the possibility of something with Aiden could only add to that. Despite the fact that he’d kissed me, a relationship with him was totally out of the question. For a start he seemed to be full of vitriolic hatred for himself and without a doubt would find it hard to fully embrace his true feelings. I couldn't deny, however, that the kiss had filled me with excitement and desire. A reawakening of those feelings that had taken me way beyond the boundaries of friendship with Connor and I ached to relive them. To feel the raw surge of adrenalin fuelled lust, rampaging through my veins as two bodies melded into one.

"Earth to Jason!" Nathan was saying as he dragged me back to reality. He was waving his hand in front of my face, abruptly breaking the spell that surrounded my thoughts.

"So what happens now?" he asked with a sigh "How did you leave things with him"

"I was definitely getting somewhere last night until the other guys overheard part of what he'd said and made fun of us. Then it all got out of hand!"

Nathan's eyebrows shot skywards "Tell me about it!"

"Oh I think you've got the gist of it by now” I answered dolefully, still acutely embarrassed by my behaviour.

He smiled half heartedly and shook his head "Did he know last night that you'd spoken to his mother?"

"I don't think so. He never said anything if he did and I think he would have. The strange thing was that when you left, he almost pushed me out of the door and told me that I'd better go after you. I just don't understand him"

“You see Jason, this is what I mean. He’s obviously got over his jealousy, but I’m sure he still likes you! You should go for it"

"Nathan, stop it! I don't want to go for it"

I hated the way he kept trying to push us together but he didn't seem to take any notice.

“I think you should get together with him again Jason. There has to be some way of sorting things out"

I knew he was right about that at least and I begrudgingly agreed with him. The situation did need sorting out.

"So when will you speak to him?" He urged

"At work more than likely" I sighed "Although god knows when I'll be back there with this hand"

"If it’s not too bad they'll probably send you back after a few days, providing you don't lift anything." Nathan speculated "It's Christmas pretty soon though, so it hardly seems worth it"

"It'll still be busy at the store though, so I ought to go back if I can"

"You'd better wait and see what the doctor's got to say" he stressed "You don't want to make it any worse"

"No, course not"

I thought we'd left the subject of Aiden behind but Nathan suddenly raised it again.

"Don't you think it might be better to speak to Aiden in private?” he suggested “Take him out for a drink or something"

"Nathan! Why would I want to do that? The last thing I want to do is encourage him"

"He's a good looking guy. You said so yourself"

"He's also as far in the closet as it's possible to be!"

"Jason, he's going to need someone before long. I wouldn't mind betting he'd like it to be you"

By this time, I was fed up with him trying to pair me off with Aiden and I couldn't help getting annoyed. "Nathan, if I can't have you, I don't even want a boyfriend, so just drop it, please?"

He sighed apologetically and reddened slightly "Sorry to keep going on Jase, I know I can't give you what you want, but I just want you to be happy, that's all"

"I know that Nathan and I really appreciate it, but it's just....it's difficult, you know"

The tears welled up in my eyes as I finally realised the relationship I craved more than anything in the world had disappeared faster than a wisp of smoke in the wind. I had to get used to the fact that Nathan was never going to want me in the same way I wanted him.

"Come on then Jason, drink up. We should be getting you to the hospital" he said, as his normal businesslike manner returned "Then we can get you home"

I nodded in agreement and wondered what on earth mum and dad would say when I finally got there.