As They Say - (Revised) - 21. Entry 29

26th May 1991:

Sorry I didn't get a chance to check in with you yesterday. I didn't really feel like writing yesterday, not that yesterday was a bad day or anything. I guess nothing exciting happened. Ross and me woke up on the morning of the 24th, and both of us pretended that nothing had happened. Yeah, sure, he was a little weird when he woke up. I get a little groggy too, but it was cute to see Ross so shy. After a fantastic fry that Mam cooked for all of us, I got started on my day. We had sausages, pudding, rashers, toasted bread, and scrambled egg. It was gorgeous, and everyone was in high spirits. Even Ross's mood shifted at breakfast; he was back to his radiant self, and it was like conversation in the tent never took place. Yeah, it might have made me a little sad, but I'm glad that whatever happened didn't seem to come between us.

Mam was all happy, and she talked to all my friends, asking what we wanted to do for the day. I didn't really think much into it; whatever happened... I'd go along with the outcome. All the time Mam was talking with the boys, I couldn't help glancing across the table as they munched on toast and sausages to see Ross's reaction. Every time Ross smiled, I saw this most unbelievably white set of teeth. They are probably the whitest teeth I've seen on a person and— presumably— the most kissable lips.

I looked at Ross longer than I should have been staring at a boy, and I think Mam picked up on my interest. When I turned my attention back to the table, Mam stared at me with this weird expression on her face. Every so often, she'd answer a question the boys were talking about, but her questioning stare never left me. Brooding, I guided my eyes towards the breakfast plate to hide. I sneaked peaks by raising my eyes to the tops of my sockets, and sure enough, Mam still kept a watchful eye. Mam was trying to evaluate something she saw, but she eventually smiled and went back to her meal like a robot. You know, like when you see someone in a trance, they're just dead staring at a particular spot or someone. All of a sudden, they just spring back to life with a jolt when they answer you. Yeah, like one of those times.

So, after breakfast, we all got dressed and raced toward town. I brought some money with me, and I purchased candy for everyone. I asked Ross what he wanted, and he got gummy bears, of course.

Ross really likes those, doesn't he?

We were going to the GAA grounds, but instead, we chose to give Ross a bit of a welcoming party. Eli said that we could go to his house and we could play paintball.

My mind jumped to how sore I'd be.

Ross seemed down for the idea, and if Ross was down, I had to do it too. I wanted to be around wherever Ross was going. When we got there, do you know who came running out of the house when she saw all the boys hiking up the driveway? Eli's sister came bounding out of the bungalow.

Emma was like, "Hey boys, what are you doing?"

We all stopped dead. We hated her presence because Emma would try and kiss us, and hold hands and make us do weird stuff. Emma's eyes wandered the line, and she caught sight of me.

Approaching, Emma said, "Hey Adam… How are you today?"

I grumbled, "I'm fine."

I had hoped that Emma got the message, but apparently, she didn't. That girl brushed off my little standoff escapade and just carried on smiling in my direction, which was totally gross. When Eli said that we were going to play some paintball, it didn’t take a genius to guess what Emma said.

"Can I play?" Emma squeaked.

It felt like a nail pierced my eardrum. Emma was so enthusiastically repulsive. Everything in the way she acted was so extra. Emma just wanted to be around me, and my, she has it bad for me like I have it bad for Ross.

I can't even hang out with Eli anymore without her getting in the works.

Can't she take a hint?

I've been rude to her plenty of times, and I've brushed her off as many times as I possibly can brush someone off. Though Emma, she still does not get the memo. I'll need to say I'm not interested or contact the garda to issue a restraining order, but she's just so goddamn persistent.

Making matters worse, the boys cooed, "Oh, yes, Emma."

I didn’t even have a say, and I don’t think I wanted to bother announcing anything.

Everyone just said, "Sure."

Talk about letting an amigo go at it alone. If this was some sick, cruel joke I got petitioned for, I don't want to be part of it. If this was some TV show like where they record your reaction and then put you on national TV for the entire world to see that you’ve been punked, then I want to be paid for all the misery thrown my way.

So, Eli goes in, tells his mam we’re all there, then we headed around the back of the house to the shed. Eli's dad runs some of the local funfairs and stuff in the town. I think they are in food catering. On top of that, Eli's dad is the go-to guy for bric-a-brac concerning car parts and tools on the west coast. So anytime there's something big happening in Cork or Kerry, sometimes Galway, his dad is usually called.

In our case, Eli's dad stocks paintball guns. They don't have a whole lot, probably about six of them, but it was enough for us anyway. So, Eli dawdled around for the most part and made sure it had air in the canisters and paintballs for people to fire. Eventually, we went out to one of the fields down the back with many trees. It's kind of like a forest, though the tree line flushes onto Eli's property. We decided it was the best place to do it, considering there's no other place for miles to use for cover. Plus, I don't think Eli's mam would be very happy if her house was decorated by the lot of us.

We set off, and we split into two teams: me, Carl, Emma, and the tagalong of the group, Thomas, were on a team. Eli decided to take Ross on his team and the other two boys. We separated and ran to one side of the wooded area, and they went to the opposite. Before the match began, Eli said we'd wait ten minutes for everybody to get in position and then we actually start.

Ten minutes were up, and we started heading out into the woods. I am actually surprised that nobody began the game before the ten minutes were up. I am genuinely shocked; knowing the boys, they would have just started without giving a shit whether the time allowance was set.

Eventually, we were tackling each other head-to-head. Everybody was pretty heated for the most part. Ross was holding himself quite well, to be honest. I never imagined that Ross would be able to act like a hero. I wanted to get up close to him and actually shoot a paintball at him, but I couldn't. I think; actually, I know I had trouble hitting him.

Why else would my legs be bruised from all the paintballs Ross shot at my legs?

No matter how many times I came out from cover behind a tree to fire, I could not pull the trigger. Sure, I had no problem pulling the trigger on anybody else, especially Eli's sister. Emma was useless; she couldn't even aim the gun properly, never mind shoot it. And if Emma did fire it, she was dangerous because she pointed at people's heads and everything. If Emma actually did get a chance to fire off a shot, she would've taken somebody's eyeball out, but then again, we did have protective goggles. Thank God for that, but it feels a little weird. I've gone a little soft. I mean, a couple months ago, I would have no problem shooting one of the boys with a paintball, but I couldn't shoot Ross.

What is up with that?

There was a moment, though, when I did chase Ross. I was determined to actually blast him, but again, I couldn't. I fired a shot finally, but I aimed off toward a tree, and it hit a trunk. You have no idea how hard it was not to actually hit Ross. I wasn't even aiming for him when I shot him; I just wanted to provoke some paranoia to show I was trying to focus, even though I wasn't. And then, out of nowhere, Ross turned to glance over his shoulder, and he stumbled straight into a silver birchwood. My heart sank; I stopped aiming. I ran towards Ross, and he began to panic because he thought that I would actually obliterate him. When Ross saw that I was being soft and genuine and had no ill intent, he calmed down. I peered at him; Ross was breathing heavily. The screams from Emma and the boys carried through the trees.

"Are you okay?" I invited.

I bet my eyes looked hungry for a response. I felt like this was my fault; if Ross hadn't looked over his shoulder, he wouldn't have gone straight into a birchwood.

But Ross just cracked a smile and said, "I'm all right."

I helped him up; we stood by the tree, and I could've sworn that Ross was adorable on purpose. I'm not too sure how to explain it, but you know that thing that girls do when they're like interested or something? They act all bashful and shy.

Yeah, well, Ross was doing that to me, just leaning against the tree. He bit his bottom lip, and the thought of kissing him crossed my mind. I was going to do it. I think Ross wanted me to make a move, but then Eli's voice called out.

"Shoot the enemy!"

Just like that, Eli opened fire on me without remorse. I gripped onto my gun even tighter and darted between the trees. Eli was the only one chasing me because Ross didn't pursue me.

But yeah, that was what I did that day; it felt weird, really. I mean, yesterday, I was nervous about even being in the same space as Ross. The day before that, I was terrified of hosting a sleepover party with all my friends and a cute boy. Now I want to make a move. I'm not quite ready. I don't know how I know, but I just know. I'm not crazy or anything, but I just want to be careful. I don't want to scare Ross off. I don't think I'd be able to forgive myself if I scared him off.

Oh… and yeah, I forgot to mention; Carl asked if I could help him on his farm tomorrow. Then Mr. Maher will take us down to Killarney for the day. I didn't really want to go.

I'm not sure yet.

It's okay, but I felt like I wanted to bring Ross if we were going to Killarney. For some odd notion, I keep thinking of Ross’s Castle. Ross liked that day. I'm pretty sure he did. I should ask my Mam to bring us there again, or perhaps I can think of someplace better to bring Ross.

What does this town have to offer?

Apart from the huge hill on the O'Neill's farm, or the sweet shop in town and the church, there is nothing to do. I don't take it that Ross is the religious type. The only other thing I can think to bring him is the parklands. I haven't been there in years, but it's a really cool place. There are sculptures built from a load of really arty type people, and a lot of locals go there during the summer. It's like our version of Killarney National Park, only smaller.

Some weird things are happening between us. I know there is odd stuff occurring, and I think each of us knows that something profound is transpiring. I know it's going to be awkward, but at least we will be alone to talk about it. I just hope that I don't chicken out; I'm getting sick of becoming chicken. I want to be courageous and approachable, you know, one of those guys. I don't want to be a stuttering mess all my life. I need to man up and act my age.

Okay, well, I've got to go.

I'll talk later,

Adam