As They Say - (Revised) - 26. Entry 34

You know, I wonder what that book was Ross was writing in yesterday? Does he keep a diary too? That would be universally weird, right? The boy next door that I adore keeps a journal just like me. I have no prior knowledge of such a notebook or if it is, in fact, a diary. Speaking of journals, I'm about halfway through this one. I should ask Mam to pick me up another one. Don't think for one minute that I'm abandoning you; you have been here at the most awkward juncture of my entire life. All my previous journals have never come close to the contents which are stored in this diary. I think you're my most important one, so when I finish all your pages, I won't seal you in a box in the attic, I promise.

Anyway, I couldn't help but poke and prod at my Dad. The shelves he put up in the shed fell down. I found it ironic; it's funny. I remember the time Dad put up the shelves in the sitting room above the sofa. I never felt safe afterwards sitting on the couch once they were mounted. I always sit in the armchair in the corner of the room. The shelf is still clinging to the wall, so it didn't collapse, but I'd say it's on its last days.

I wasn't sure what I wanted to do today. I didn't want to go next door to Ross because I felt weird about yesterday. Plus, I didn't exactly know what to say to him even if I did go next door. I mean, I tried to talk about it last night, and it didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped; that silence killed me. The anticipation was there in my chest; I was assuming Ross was going to say we can't be friends anymore. Thank God Ross didn't; he just remained unusually quiet and seemed to be accepting about the moment.

So, I helped Mam around for a little bit, just cleaning up mostly. You could say I was using it as an excuse to escape Ross. I was content cleaning the house. I mean, I've no idea what is wrong with me, but that seemed like the most sensible decision my brain made at the time.

After lunch though, Ross knocked; he was all happy and shy and bashful. I was unaware of this little visitation. Naïve, I ran to the door, figuring it was possibly a news salesman or some religious freak babbling on about why you need Jesus in your life. For some weird reason, I would've preferred one of those guys. Of course, they are extraordinarily annoying, but I felt excruciatingly nervous that it was Ross. It is easier to shut the door in the face of a Born-Again Christian, but not Ross. I should've just kept my clothes on or just sat on the beach and protested to the guys that it was not cool. Though my perverted adolescent brain knew no order of balance; all I could think of was how all of us were going to be in the water naked together.

But anyway, Ross just stood there at the door and smiled bashfully. I must've looked like a fool from his angle. I stood there plain as day, unmoving, and a series of butterflies swarmed around my stomach. It was my Mam that had come to the door to see the passerby.

Mam said, "Are you going to invite him in?"

I glanced back at Mam, and I grew sheepish. Now, don't get me wrong, I love having Ross around; he's adorable, he's cute and perfect in every sense of the word. But today, it felt different. I felt like I couldn't precisely handle him. I know this sounds horrible to write here, but I tried ever so hard to come off as happy when I wasn't exactly happy to see him.

Right, well, that sounds worse than it actually seemed. I've written this entire entry in pen, and I can't rub it out. Though I don't want to scribble it out either because that makes everything look messy, and on top of that, I don't think I want to scribble it out. This book is the only place I can be honest, and well, that's how I felt.

Why should I filter how I'm feeling?

Isn't it the point of this journal?

Never mind. Anyway, I smiled, and I was overzealous for the most part. I invited him in, offered him a drink, and tried to make awkward gossip.

The worst part is, I think that Ross could sense it. Well... I believe he did. He was happy; that's the vibe I got from him anyway. Though when Ross saw that I was trying maybe a little too hard, his confidence dwindled. The happiness that he was displaying turned to a trickle.

Now that I write this, I feel even worse because I'm not sure if I put Ross in a bad mood or anything.

The little scratching sound in the back of my head keeps on saying he saw me naked. I thought I would've been more embarrassed, but I'm not. It's not the shy embarrassment of what happened yesterday that's bothering me. It's the elephant in the room. We know something needs to be discussed, but neither one of us is willing to start the topic at hand.

Ross stayed for about 20 minutes then left. Sure, I felt sad watching him go, but deep down, a part of me felt relief that Ross was going. I knew it wouldn't be forever, and I don't understand why I am feeling like this now, but I thought it would give me some more time to think of what to say to him. Maybe by tomorrow, I'll think of something because I still haven't figured out what to say to him; and I don't like dragging things out because it doesn't get anybody anywhere. It only makes people miserable and leaves them sitting at the edge of their seat. Then a sickening feeling is brought on by panic and worry, which is a stress nobody wants to have.

About an hour later, I finished with my Mam. I decided to go for a cycle on my own. I didn't go to see Carl, Eli, or any of the boys. I just needed some time to clear my head. I chose to go to the castle, thinking it was the most secluded place I know of, and I'll have some privacy— or at least I thought. There I was, sitting on the grass overlooking the lake, enjoying the solitude of the birds cawing and the ducks quacking.

It was happiness on earth for the moment; nevertheless, the sun was beaming down on my face. I could feel like I was being absorbed up into the sky.

I wish it could've lasted forever.

My eyes were closed, and I was contemplating when I had heard a twig snap. Glancing over my shoulder, I swung my head around to see the source of the sound. Someone was on the dirt track at the side of the castle.

I called out, "Who's there?"

There was this eerie silence for a couple of seconds until a girl’s voice called out, "It's me, Adam."

Emma came out from between the bushes. Now, here I was in this secluded spot with a girl who obviously fancies me, and I'd totally, would not shift her if my life depended on it. That's beside the point, but I felt so exposed; I was just sitting out there, and she had followed me. It felt a little creepy; I was a bit shocked, or at least I thought. She came closer to me, and she noticed I was looking a little sad and gloomy even.

The closer Emma drew, the more sceptical and quizzical her face got.

Until Emma got so close that she asked, "Are you okay?"

I just sighed, picked up a couple of blades of grass, and let them fumble about my lap. I wasn't in the mood for Emma or her little flirtatious chases. I so badly wanted to be left alone, but she sat down beside me. While we sat there, I kept harbouring on about the idea that suddenly she would just lean across, grab my shoulders, and forced her tongue into my mouth. Though Emma didn't, and I was grateful for that. I'm even a little bit more understanding of her situation. I usually find her annoying, but she was okay today. I opened up to her a bit, and she opened up to me. Emma said that she was out cycling and caught sight of me so she decided to follow. I'm not too sure whether to believe her, but oh well, whatever. It was good to talk to her; I can't believe I'm saying that, but honestly, it was.

So she’s like, “Watcha doin all the way out here?”

I couldn’t lie.

“Just need some alone time away from people,” I said.

Emma actually did something I would have appreciated for once. Emma began to rise, and I peered across at her, wondering what was happening.

“Want me to leave you be?” Emma asked.

“It’s okay,” I said.

I know, I can’t believe it myself, but I didn’t have the energy to debate why she shouldn’t go or stay.

There was a few seconds silence, the birds cawed in the distance.

“You okay, lately you’ve been different,” Emma said.

Peering at her, I scrunched my brow, then said, “Different. Like how?”

Emma smirked, “You’re like the most awesome person I know, and well… You seem lost, almost. Like you’re always trying to figure something out.”

I chuckled half heartedly.

“Yeah, I’m kinda working on this formula for a rocket that will put all previous rockets that went to space, to shame,” I added.

“I get it… It’s about people. They can be annoying,” Emma said.

“Yeah,” I mumbled.

I could feel it in the air, this nervous anticipation coming from her. I got the impression she wanted me to like her desperately. I was trying to be friendly to her, and for once, I was kind. I'm not sure if that has helped my cause any more, but I hope Emma understands that she's overbearing sometimes. She kept on track with whatever I was saying. Everything was serious at first; we traded mostly one-worded answers, questions. As time dragged forward, we began to have an entire conversation.

Emma would occasionally giggle and laugh at something I said, and numbingly it made me feel better. On some weird sceptical level, I felt happy that I was making her laugh. I can't explain it, but I kept thinking Emma was pretty when I looked over at her. The way her hair fell, the way her eyelashes fluttered every time she smiled. Her smile gave me this queasy feeling in my stomach. I know that both of us have never seen eye to eye as such. And don't judge me when I say that I wouldn't mind sitting down with her again to just talk. Emma seemed interesting in a way I had never perceived her before. Most times, I'm just struggling to avoid her. When I took the time to get to know her, I felt good and a little vulnerable.

There was a moment when Emma said, "You're not like other boys, are you?"

I'm not sure what she meant by that, but then again, I don't even know whether I qualify as an ordinary boy. I mean, in some weird instinct, I feel this gravitational pull guiding me to Ross, yet at the same time, I felt this warm feeling in my chest for Emma, and I was a little nervous. Not in a way that I was with Ross. I want to make Ross like me, but with Emma, it's pretty clear she likes me. I don't know what's wrong with me, but my head is spinning right now just thinking about it. I felt like I belonged.

Is that weird?

It felt like a jigsaw knows when you plucked up the missing piece, and it fits snugly into its place without you realising.

Compared to Ross, when I'm with him, the emotion feels like climbing Mount Everest. I'm not even sure what love is anymore.

Do I like him, or do I love him? Who knows?

Or what about Emma? Do I want her, or do I love her? Who knows?

Love and liking are two completely idioms.

I'm not sure what to even think anymore. The only thing I know is that with Ross I feel like I have to be there, and the feeling I got with Emma today is.... this is where I belong. I'm confused; I don't know who I'm supposed to like.

What am I supposed to do?

Am I supposed to like someone for what they look like on the outside? Do I have to try and like someone for what's on the inside? Don't ever tell this to Emma— not that you can because you are book— but if I were to rate Emma on a scale from 1 to 10, I'd measure her a seven or eight. Ross is a definite 10. Though I feel like Emma has more to offer than Ross could ever provide. I know I'm stupid; I'm neither gay, nor straight.

So what the fuck am I?

Sigh... I should go to bed now; I'm getting a little tired. Today has depleted my energy levels; I've done a lot of thinking. Despite all the brain-numbing fog that's coating my brain from making an accurate call, I enjoyed my time today with Emma. I have to make things right with Ross. I don't want him to slip away. There's no denying that he is adorable, cute, and sexy. I just need to find what I am first.

Anyway, night,

Adam