As They Say - (Revised) - 27. Entry 35

1st June 1991:

Well, another month has gone, and a new month is on the horizon. It's saddening to think that it’ll be the middle of summer in about another thirty days. Yeah, let's erase that idea before a huge black cloud rains over me. Nothing abnormal happened yesterday, I guess.

I saw Ross this morning. He was out in his grandparents’ backyard, pacing up and down the length of it. He seemed to be anxious or something; he'd march up the back garden and all the way back down to the house where he'd disappear out of sight, only to be followed by him pacing back up the yard. I wasn't sure what was wrong; I wanted to go next door and see if he was okay. But of course, since our weird discussion the day before, I couldn’t exactly bring myself to knock.

I know what I said last night in my diary entry— I'd make my move. I thought the word love means much more than just looking at gender, though now I feel like a part of me is missing because Ross is not in the equation.

Hey, don't judge... but I want to meet Emma again. I mean, she wasn't all that bad. Sure, she's annoying when she wants to be, but for the most part, it was the first time that we've ever got on. I wouldn't mind doing it again— just bonding, the two of us.

I'm not sure where I stand, but Ross, I much prefer Ross, hands down. I could use a friend to talk to about boys, and well…. Emma is a girl. Ain’t that what girls talk about? I feel like I'm in first class again; you know when the teacher says you must do your homework or else you'll suffer a horrible, agonising scolding for not completing your assignment on time.

It feels like I'm re-learning maths again.

After a while of constant thinking, I picked up a random CD and that random CD happened to be R.E.M.

Of all the kicks you could get in the nuts. I should've just looked at the name of the album I was putting into the CD player. It made me think of Ross and how I felt the first time I met him. I never really liked R.E.M. all that much; I just wanted to talk to him about something we have in common. You know, the music seems weird somehow. It's like a gut-wrenching feeling, reminding you that you've left a valuable possession behind.

That's all I did today, sat around and listened to music. After a while, Ross disappeared inside, and I didn't see him for the rest of the day. Every time I looked out my window, I kept wishing that I'd get a glimpse of him in his bedroom, but he never went to his bedroom. Ross just vanished, and that made me even sadder than the music. I don't think I can take this much longer. I need to talk to him; I'm afraid of losing him.

God knows I don't want to lose him.

Argh... I'll go tomorrow, and I'll apologise. I'll tell Ross that I'm sorry I made him feel uncomfortable about doing that.

Okay, well night,

Adam