As They Say - (Revised) - 35. Entry 46

15th June 1991:

Not so great news. It's funny how my life seems to be on a high at the moment, then all of a sudden, my Mam rolls in and pulls the plug on all the fun I could be having. I was made to help out at the church. It was so boring; you have no idea. I'll never know why I was dragged into it, but I hope I am never lured again. At least the day was semi-okay. Thomas was there, and he is an altar boy, and was made help out too. Not that the two of us have much in common. The two of us are always friendly to each other; he hangs around with the group sometimes. Only, I consider him more of an outsider than an actual friend.

Standing in the back room, I helped Thomas before he did his duty with the priest since he's an altar boy. And well, this weird conversation came up about Ross. Thank God that the priest was gone. If Father Davies were around, I would have been mortified, considering he's religious and all. So anyway, Thomas is like extremely smooth when he talks to me. I never noticed it before, but Thomas has this thing with his nose. Tommy kind of ruffles it in the middle of each sentence. When Thomas talks to me in the group, he is typically a lot more quiet and standoffish. Though today Tommy was more confident, talkative even. I've no idea what changed, but it seems like he was asking if I wanted to hang out more. I don't know him all that well, but Thomas is a nice guy. I figure: what's the worst that could happen?

“Hey… You… Wanna like hang out tomorrow?” Thomas said.

Tommy grinned, then waited apprehensively for my answer.

I couldn’t say no, he looked so hopeful.

I said, "Okay, sure, if you want?"

“Really, aww… man. I knew you’d say yes. You’re awesome. We could like spend the day together. I know lots of things we can do,” Thomas added.

Thomas smiled wide; his perfect teeth showed. It was like he was getting presents on Christmas morning. It made me feel uncomfortable for some weird reason, not that anything happened, but I didn't like it. Why would such a small thing make him so damn happy? Great, now I have an appointment with the quietest member of our group. It seems weird to contemplate, but I've never actually gone solo with Thomas. I have been to Carl's house, Eli's, and Conor's too, but not his.

So tomorrow, I have to ditch Ross, which I'm not exactly happy about. I guess this is only to make friends. Eventually, I'm going to have to accept that Ross is not going to be around forever.

What did I write that for?

Fuck I shouldn't have written that. Now I feel bad... thanks a lot, Thomas.

I have all the time in the world to hang around with Thomas; an eternity of time to invite me over to his house. Why does it have to be on the short timescale that Ross might be here for? I don't know when Ross is going or how long he will continue to live here. Ross could be staying for another week, perhaps another month.

What happens if Ross has to go home tomorrow?

Let's hope that doesn't happen because I'll cry my eyes out if Ross does. I don't think I'd be able to handle weekly letters to London. Just waiting for him to get back to me, that'd be like gutting the inside of a burnt-out building to me. I've no idea why I choose that representation, but it's the grossest and the darkest thing I can think of right now.

If I knocked early enough for Ross, I'd be able to meet with my boyfriend.

Is Ross my boyfriend?

We haven't really talked about this stuff. He's the only one I want surely. I'm the only one Ross likes, right? Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll get up early and go hang out with Ross for a while. Then later, I'll go over to Thomas’s. If I arrive a little earlier, I might be able to leave early and get back to my baby.

Yeah… no, I'll stick to Ross; the baby nickname looks weird to read.

Oh, and before I forget, Ross and I snuck off down the backfield, not far from our houses. We made out for about twenty minutes. It is, after all, a new record. However, I have a new problem. No, it's not what you're thinking. It's not the buzz that I get when I'm kissing him, but I'm dying to breathe when I'm kissing Ross. It's like when our mouths are connected, I forget to take a breath, or maybe Ross is stealing my air. By the time our lips unhinge, I am gasping for oxygen. I have no idea in the slightest why Ross finds it so amusing, but hey, at least he's willing to kiss me.

I'll figure out a new way to breathe and kiss at the same time. Can I draw air in through and down my nose while we kiss?

It won't seem odd, will it?

I think that's how I'll have to do it. I wish sometimes there was a book or something I could read. Not that I read much at all, but it would be nice to know all the awkward experiences I'm facing. It would be neat to know that someone else has gone through it.

What if my Mam and Dad ever encountered weird stuff like this?

Actually, on second thought, I don't want to know. Gross.

Well, later night,

Adam