Porcupines - 28. Chapter 28 - Inside Voices

Chapter 28 – Inside Voices

A few days later…

Chuck held Dylan tightly as his boyfriend muttered in his sleep. The man had started thrashing about in bed and that had prompted Chuck to hold him until he calmed. He remembered one of their first nights together, the redheaded man had called out Ron’s name. It had been a painful sound that suggested immense suffering. Chuck held him that night too. It had gotten better after only a few moments.

The dreams and thrashing had gotten worse since then. The only difference was recently Chuck heard Dylan call out “Ron” and his name as well. When Dylan cried out both names, he sounded tortured. Chuck pulled him closer and dug his chin into Dylan’s shoulder. Sometimes that helped Dylan settle down and become tranquil. That wasn’t true on nights like tonight. Dylan’s keening got worse with Chuck’s head next to his. It hurt him to hear Dylan suffer so.

It also scared him to death.

Dylan’s reactions to his nightmares reminded Chuck of his ‘scary times.’ He doubted it was the same, but the terror of his boyfriend’s writhing suggested it. Chuck could feel the cold, sharp hand of his depression try to overtake him. Sometimes, it was like he could see the dark specter of his panic and despair out of the corner of his eye. He couldn’t get a clear look at it, but he knew it was there. It was just out of his reach, lurking. That was a good word for what the ‘scary times’ did to him. His terror lurked, waiting for any chance to seize him. The ‘scary times’ took him over. It felt like something else would possess him.

During those dark episodes, Chuck could sometimes see himself lying in a fugue state feeling nothing but abject loneliness. He could picture himself in the emptiness. Or, other times Chuck tried to fill the void with booze and endless hours out wandering, just watching others live. He didn’t want to live during those times but it helped to see others do so.

Dylan’s jerks and the sounds that he had been making stopped now. Suddenly, it occurred to Chuck in the almost four weeks they’d been together, he hadn’t had a single episode of ‘scary times.’ He hadn’t had a panic attack or a manic period. Chuck felt, well, normal every day and every night. He especially felt good on the nights when he stayed over. Like tonight. He could tell the ‘scary times’ were stalking him but Dylan’s warm body and sweet kisses banished the fear.

Chuck cuddled and pulled Dylan a little closer. He could feel the corners of his boyfriend’s mouth go up. He made him better. Chuck realized that HE made Dylan feel better. He fell back asleep with a satisfied smile on his face.

******************************

Kelli picked up the phone and was about to select Dylan’s name to call. She stopped. Maybe she shouldn’t have The Talk with him. It certainly didn’t work out well with that asshole Dewayne. Kelli was sure after The Talk with that scum sucking pig he’d used it against Chuck. She was positive the guy made Chuck even more miserable. What a disgusting piece of garbage and huge mistake.

But, Dylan wasn’t Dewayne. Not by a long shot. The way Dylan supported and helped Chuck at that dinner was amazing. That lazy ass Dewayne wouldn’t have done a thing to encourage her brother. He certainly wouldn’t have waited on their friends and helped him with an essay. Hell, Dewayne told Chuck his cooking was okay and would openly mock his sexual prowess publicly. Dylan definitely wasn’t Dewayne.

This made her think of the other Kelly, Dylan’s brother. That guy was such a hunk. He was every woman’s type. She could see him in her bed. He’d never see her that way. Someone as handsome as Kelly McMahon wouldn’t see her as a possible mate. Still, he was cute.

Maybe she should call Kelly and set up that play date for Brandon and Susie. Dylan’s brother had suggested it at Chuck’s dinner party. It was a good idea. The two of them should get to know each other. With Chuck and Dylan an item, it would be nice to be friends with the brother. Her son and Dylan’s niece would find themselves at holiday parties and family events together. It would be nice for them to get a head start on knowing each other.

Kelli picked up the phone. She should set up The Talk with Dylan. He was good for Chuck. Dylan would understand and do what it takes to protect Chuck. She knew it was the right thing to do. But, a little stab of fear poked at her. What if Dylan thought Chuck was so damaged it wasn’t worth dating him? She could scare him off with The Talk.

She should just call Kelly and set up that play date. They could meet at the playground in Pearl Park. That play area had lots of different things for the kids to do. Maybe she could bring some snacks and drinks. She and Kelly could talk and get to know one another. The kids could play and become acquainted. It would be a fun afternoon.

No, first she needed to arrange a time to tell Dylan. She promised Nanna she’d do this. It wasn’t her fault Chuck had picked a loser like Dewayne once. Now, he’d picked a good guy. He’d picked a good guy with a very handsome brother. If only. She hit a button and made a phone call.

**********************************

That was certainly a pleasant surprise. Kelly was folding clothes while his daughter took her nap and Chuck’s sister called. It had been a few days and he wasn’t sure she’d call. He felt kind of bad using Susie and Chuck’s nephew as a way to get to know the other Kelli better. At Chuck’s dinner, the two of them had kind of bonded. Chuck and Dylan were busy with the meal. The two blonds, the big one, Raleigh and the little one, Isaac, had been giggling and touching each other all night. Chuck and Dylan’s bosses only had eyes for each other. It was nice getting to know Chuck’s sister.

She was so real.

Kelly was sick to death of the skinny, coiffed divorcees who hit on him at play dates and day care pickups. Chuck’s sister was voluptuous. She had hips and a nice shape and that rack!

He had to stop it. They were getting together for the kids to become more familiar. Susie and the other Kelli’s son, Brandon would be together from time to time like at holidays and stuff. Chuck was the best thing to ever happen to his brother. He could see the way Chuck looked at Dylan with such devotion. Kelly thought Dylan’s actions at the party were the most selfless and loving things he’d ever seen his brother do. Not that Dylan wasn’t a great guy. He was. But Chuck made Dylan glow.

Brandon and Susie’s play date would be fun for them. It would also be a way to get to know her better. She had the best laugh. She liked his jokes. She kept touching her hair which according to some experts meant she was interested. He liked to think that was true.

He turned as he heard Susie jump out of the bed. He couldn’t wait to tell her about tomorrow afternoon. Susie would meet Brandon. Kelly would get to see Kelli again.

He felt pretty good about it.

************************

What would Chuck’s Kelli want to talk to him about? Not that he minded, but Dylan thought it odd she called and asked him to come over to talk. She even made sure it was while Chuck was at work. It just seemed strange for Chuck’s sister to call him for a discussion.

He liked her though.

He liked Kelli and wanted to get to know her better. She was a smart cookie and Chuck obviously adored her. Dylan thought it would be nice to know her better but why all the secrecy? He couldn’t understand this call and meeting. Especially since she said he couldn’t tell Chuck about it. Not until after, she said.

What’s with that?

Was she going to warn him off? That was a stupid thought. What could Chuck have done that he hadn’t already told him about? That’s just ridiculous. He was letting his imagination get away with him. Did he think Chuck had a criminal past? Was Chuck secretly married? Oh, Gawd, his brain was going crazy.

Thinking about secrets, he wondered if he should tell Chuck about his dreams, nightmares really. They were freaking him out. The only thing that made them survivable was Chuck always wrapped himself around Dylan. He figured he must move and make sounds that caused his boyfriend to hold him so tightly.

What if he talked in his sleep?

That had never occurred to Dylan. What if the voices and sounds in the nightmare were spoken by him, out loud? Oh no. He was worried about some secret past of Chuck’s. Meanwhile, he couldn’t tell his boyfriend about the visitations of Ron and his crushed face trying to kill Chuck. He was keeping secrets himself.

Now, Dylan was feeling some panic. Did Chuck hear him say Ron’s name? Did Chuck have to endure his bullshit? He didn’t even have the guts to tell his boyfriend the truth. Whatever Kelli had to say wouldn’t be as bad as having psychotic nightmares of his deceased boyfriend trying to off his new boyfriend. Regardless of what Chuck’s sister said about his man, it wouldn’t be as bad as that. What kind of guy has those kinds of dreams?

His brother thought he needed counseling after Ron died. He didn’t think that was necessary. It had been hard, but he’d gotten through it okay. Mostly he just didn’t think about how terrible it was. When he thought about how Ron died and how Ron’s family excluded him, it hurt so badly. He found it was better just to do things and not think about it. Dwelling on it made it worse. He’d gotten over it and now he had Chuck. It was so wonderful. They’d both go to school at the same time. Chuck could move in to save money.

He was so excited.

Whatever Chuck’s sister had to say wouldn’t make any difference. After all, Chuck was perfect for him. Dylan loved him. Chuck loved him back. They were going to build a life together. All questions of what Kelli would tell him disappeared. Dylan ended up reading some monographs and making some notes. He might as well get a little ahead of the curve with school.

Tonight, they’d finish Chuck’s essay. Tomorrow they’d send out the scholarship application. Everything was coming together just as he wanted.

Life was getting easier. Or was it?

Let’s face facts. There are dark things, embarrassing things Dylan hadn’t told Chuck. Things he just couldn’t give voice to. Things that he feared would drive Chuck away.

Things that made him feel broken.

That’s how he felt. Broken. It was like life had busted him into a bunch of fragments that he couldn’t put back together. But, when Chuck smiled or hugged or kissed him, those pieces just came back together into a whole.

They returned in his dreams though. At first they hadn’t been so bad. Ever since he’d met Chuck, those pieces he tried to ignore came back and haunted him more frequently, and with images that were so much worse.

Maybe he should just tell Chuck. Then, he’d get some relief. No. He couldn’t do that. He could see Chuck looking at him with condemnation and that he couldn’t handle. It would kill him if Chuck did that to him.

This is too hard. Why did everything have to go so wrong? Why did Ron have to die? Why did Ron continue to chase him?

He didn’t know but he knew it scared him.

He also knew he couldn’t live without Chuck.

Dylan shook off the argument in his head. It wasn’t doing him any good and he returned to his reading. Just forget about it. Just live life as it comes.

But the man’s shattered face from last night was still there, lurking. It wasn’t Ron last night in his nightmare.

It was Chuck’s face.

******************

Later that night, Chuck had used his key and slipped into bed with Dylan. Dylan had been sleeping but he awoke with a start.

“Hi,” Dylan yawned and stretched a little. Chuck looked at the curly reddish brown chest hair that spilled from Dylan’s t-shirt and licked his lips. The shift had been boring and thinking of Dylan in bed had made it even worse. Chuck couldn’t wait to get home. Home. That’s what he thought of wherever Dylan was. Home.

“Did ya just get here?” Dylan asked reaching over to touch Chuck’s face. Chuck turned and kissed the palm of Dylan’s hand.

“Yeah, I finished and came here. Did I wake you?”

“I think I was dozing but I really don’t sleep well without you here,” Dylan smiled and brushed a lock of Chuck’s dark hair from his forehead.

“I’ll let you get back to sleep then,” Chuck said closing his eyes and settling in the bed.

Dylan looked at Chuck’s relaxed face and suddenly he had to tell him. It was late, and this wouldn’t be a long, drawn out discussion, but he’d never get back to sleep unless he told Chuck about his nightmares. It bothered him too much occupying his thoughts today.

“Why haven’t you asked me about my nightmares?” Dylan whispered though the apartment was empty except for the sleeping kittens, Thor and Odin in the corner of the bedroom.

Chuck’s eyes came open and he turned his head. “Because I figured you’d tell me when you wanted to.”

“You could have asked me. It’s obvious you know when I’m having them.”

“I don’t like to…pry.” Chuck said, hesitating. “They’re your inside voices and I don’t want to intrude. But, I’ll listen and help if I can.”

Dylan saw that Chuck was being very careful with his words. He was just the kind of guy who would wait for someone else to bring awkward things up. Chuck would never start such an uncomfortable conversation. He was too nice.

“I don’t know if you can help but when you hold me they seem to go away,” Dylan said softly looking at Chuck’s eyes, gauging them for a reaction.

“Then that’s what I’ll do. Hold you ‘til you feel better.”

“I dream about Ron,” Dylan said after a moment. He watched Chuck who surprisingly just nodded his head. So he did know. “I also dream about you.”

Chuck continued looking at Dylan and nodded again, this time it was just a slight one. Chuck already knew about that too. It was really a secret after all.

“I’m afraid if I told you, you’d think I was a psychotic,” Dylan finally said still watching, measuring his boyfriend’s reaction. Chuck just smiled at him.

“I have my own demons Dylan. Trust me, you don’t want inside my head either,” Chuck was still smiling. Dylan felt a wave of relief wash over him. It seemed Chuck had issues as well. Knowing that made him feel better for some reason. Maybe it was because they were even in a way. Chuck had problems too and so Dylan wasn’t the only one with complications.

“Your sister asked me to come over tomorrow to talk,” Dylan said, changing the subject abruptly.

“Really? Interesting,” Chuck said, his smile getting a shade wider. So, it was time for Dylan to get The Talk. Dewayne had told him all about it, taunted him with it. Dewayne had called him and his family all kinds of names accusing them of being crazy. At first, The Talk had bothered him. But, then he saw it in a different light. It wasn’t intrusive and mean. The Talk was meant to keep him safe.

“What’s interesting?” Dylan asked. He thought maybe Chuck knew what he should expect. Chuck just shook his head very slowly.

“I was just remembering something. Kelli just wants to get to know you better. She told me about how she wanted face time with just you. It makes me happy to know she likes you.”

Dylan realized something had just shifted in this conversation but he wasn’t sure what. Kelli had said they needed to get to know one another better. That part was true but there was something else that flickered in Chuck’s eyes. There was something he knew but wasn’t saying.

Dylan also thought about his own secrets and inner thoughts that he hadn’t shared. He hadn’t really told Chuck anything about Ron trying to kill him in his dreams. He hadn’t told Chuck about what had really truly happened with Ron. His own demons seemed too powerful to release. If Chuck had his own things to deal with, he’d give him the space. It was only fair.

Chuck realized Dylan’s intensely bright blue eyes, which had been searching his own, had seemed to relax. He couldn’t find the words to tell Dylan about his ‘scary times’ and prepare Dylan for The Talk with Kelli. Somehow, the window had closed. They’d revealed as much as they were ready to.

Chuck figured that was okay. He wasn’t ready to reveal his demons just like Dylan wasn’t ready to say what his dreams were. Chuck just hoped it wouldn’t be too much for his boyfriend. But, it was too late. He was too tired to think about it.

After a few more moments of kissing and gentle caresses, the two men fell asleep.

The sandman was kind again that night.