Porcupines - 34. Chapter 34 - Fugue

Chapter 34 - Fugue

Sometimes when the “scary times” hit, Chuck felt like he floated out of his lifeless body and could see what happened around him. It was all vague and hazy but he almost felt like he was watching life go on even as his body betrayed him. He’d talked to Kelli about this and she surmised he was hearing sounds and his brain would extrapolate that into seeing things. In a fugue state, the brain is no longer receiving and processing stimuli but the ears are still collecting the data. That part of the brain seemed to still work in Chuck. His eyes, nose, and skin didn’t work but his hearing still functioned. Problem was, he couldn’t hear talking. He could only hear other kinds of sounds.

He could see Dylan cleaning up the dining room and kitchen. Poor Dylan. His mother had set out to punish him for “betraying” her. He was upset and that made Chuck even sadder. He couldn’t let Dylan be sad but he couldn’t break out of the trap of his mind shutting down either. Dylan had another drink after he’d finished cleaning and sat on the couch and turned on the television. Chuck couldn’t tell what he was watching but the music was sad.

Chuck could hear the bed creak. Dylan was there with him. He wanted to turn over and embrace him, telling him it was okay. His body wouldn’t move. His eyes wouldn’t open. His mouth couldn’t speak. Dylan was there but he couldn’t feel him. Then Dylan was gone. Chuck faded away.

***************************

The next morning…

“Kelli. Thank God you’re home. Chuck’s not moving. I can’t get him to respond.”

“No, he hasn’t taken anything. His eyes are open but he isn’t moving and he won’t respond to me.”

“Kelli, I’m scared. Is this what you meant when you said he has bad depression?”

“Okay. I’ll try that. I’ll try anything. I’m so upset. My mother came over and she was being a bitch and…”

“Yes. I’ll try that. Can I call you back? Thank you so much. Thank you.”

Dylan raced to the bedroom. He crawled up and held Chuck in his arms. He rocked him gently. He sang to him. He kissed his cheek.

“Chuck, please don’t be upset. Chuck I love you. I’ll make it better. Chuck, can you hear me?” Dylan said but Chuck didn’t say anything.

Dylan started crying but knew that wouldn’t help. Chuck couldn’t hear him anyway. He wondered if Chuck could hear music. He got off the bed and grabbed his IPod. He quickly found their favorite songs and started playing it. He sang along with Lifehouse and held onto Chuck as tightly as he could.

“Take me now

The world’s such a crazy place

When the walls come down

You’ll know I’m here to stay

There’s nothing I would change

Knowing that together everything that’s in our way

We’re better than alright”

Chuck moved. Dylan kept singing and holding him tighter. Chuck twitched and Dylan felt his heart leap into his throat.

“Walking between the raindrops

Riding the aftershock beside you

Off into the sunset

Living like there’s nothing left to lose”

Chuck’s eyes moved to look at him. Dylan smiled. Chuck didn’t smile yet but he was looking at Dylan’s tear soaked cheeks. “Hun, I love you.”

Chuck didn’t speak but he was taking in what Dylan said. A single tear swelled in his eyes and then oozed out and trickled down. Dylan held him tighter and sang another song to Chuck. Dylan could feel Chuck’s body responding to the hug.

“Chuck. You okay?” Dylan asked.

“Yeah,” Chuck said, his voice gravelly. “How long was I out?”

“Last night you went to bed after my mom left. You didn’t respond to me this morning. I’ve been holding you and singing to you for about an hour.”

“I love you. I’m sorry,” Chuck said slowly.

“No. I’m sorry my bitch of a mother was so awful last night.”

“It’s only been one night,” Chuck whispered.

“Yeah. I was so scared when you wouldn’t respond to me this morning. I feel just terrible about you feeling bad and…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Chuck said. “Thank you for being here with me.”

“I’ll always be here for you,” Dylan said. “I’ll sing to you forever if I have to.”

Chuck smiled. It was like the sun after a dreary, rain-filled day. The weight and fear of this morning lifted with that smile. Everything was gonna be all right.

“What time is it?” Chuck asked and rolled onto his back.

“It’s only nine. Are you going to be able to work today?” Dylan asked. He tried to hide the concern he felt.

“I work at ten. I better get up and into the shower,” Chuck said. “I’ll be okay. I feel okay.”

“Are you sure because I’ll call Lynora and …”

“No,” Chuck said quietly. “I’ll be fine. It’s only been overnight?” he asked.

“Last night was when you seemed to fall asleep in bed. I couldn’t get you to respond this morning and after singing to you, you opened your eyes.”

“Maybe I’m getting better,” Chuck said. “It’s never this quick.”

Dylan didn’t know exactly what that meant but he figured this was terrifying enough. He couldn’t imagine if it had gone on longer. But, he was back. It had been really awful but Chuck was here now. He wasn’t “away.”

****************************

“Hey Kel, thanks so much,” Dylan said.

“I’ve been trying to get a sitter and I just found one,” Kelli said. She’d been frantically calling everyone she knew until finally Dylan’s brother answered the phone and agreed to watch Brandon.

“No need, Chuck’s okay. He’s on his way to work,” Dylan said. “What you told me to try worked. I held him and sang to him. He opened his eyes and woke up.”

“He what?” Kelli almost dropped the phone. The shortest episode of fugue Chuck had ever experienced lasted three days. This was only a few hours.

“He’s on his way to work. He said he feels much better. I think he was worried about being late.”

“Are you sure he wasn’t just sleeping or passed out this morning?” she asked.

“No. I told you. He went to bed last night and I crawled in next to him. Then, this morning, I couldn’t get him to respond. He was limp and lifeless. He wouldn’t talk to me. I don’t think he could hear me. I was scared to death. He wasn’t sleeping,” Dylan said. He was a little offended she thought he didn’t know the difference between asleep and unconscious.

“Dylan, I’m sorry to doubt you. I believe you. I’m just surprised. Chuck’s never had such a brief episode before,” Kelli explained.

“Is that why he said, ‘maybe I’m getting better,’ before he left for work,” Dylan asked. That comment troubled him but maybe it wasn’t a bad thing.

“Yes. That’s probably why he said that. He’s usually out for four or five days. A few hours is a miracle,” Kelli said. “Maybe he is getting better. Sometimes bipolar disorder can get better as people age. Certainly the symptoms change.”

“You mean he could be fine someday,” Dylan said hopefully.

“He may age out of fugue states. But bipolar disorder is nothing we can cure. Maybe he won’t have those horrible episodes as often or as long.”

“Do you think he heard my singing to him and came back to me?” Dylan asked. He was enough of a romantic to believe love conquers all. Of course, that didn’t mean it was just his singing which his father always said could wake up the dead.

“Could be. Nanna would hold and rock Chuck and sing to him. That’s what always helped the most,” Kelli said. “That’s why I told you to do that.”

“It was so scary,” Dylan said. “It was like he was dead.”

“I’m sorry you had to see him like that,” Kelli said.

“I am too but I think I brought him back. Kelli, I feel like I helped him.”

************************

On the way to work, Chuck juggled competing emotions. First, he was deeply embarrassed he’d fallen into an episode that Dylan had to contend with. What made that worse was the guilt because he remembered just surrendering to the “scary times.” He couldn’t let that happen again. Dylan was so frightened. He could smell the fear on his clothes.

He was also feeling somewhat hopeful. He’d never had an episode so short. When he said he could be getting better it was part wishful thinking but a little bit of optimism as well. He knew when people got a little older, sometimes their symptoms improved. Gawd, he hoped that was the case for him.

Finally, he was also fearful. He felt terrible Dylan had to go through that. Would he do so next time? What if he started having more episodes? Would Dylan leave him? He remembered that beautiful if morally repugnant man Dylan’s mother brought last night. A handsome, educated man like Adam was more Dylan’s style. But, Adam was a pig. Dylan kicked him to the curb because he wasn’t a good human being.

It was confusing. Chuck also realized Dylan wanted him though he could have a better guy. But why?

There were things Dylan hadn’t told him. It was obvious Adam and Dylan had been an item or something. Were they just fuck buddies? Chuck thought Ron was the love of Dylan’s life, but then he hooks up with Ron’s best friend? It was all weird. Get a grip Chuck. There are things you haven’t told Dylan. Dewayne came to mind.

Ugh. Why did relationships have to be so difficult? Hell, why did life have to have so many problems?

***********************

“Kenny, what time are you breaking?” Chuck asked the bartender.

“Twoish,” he said. “Why?”

“I just wanted to eat with you,” Chuck said. He was still trying to get his bearings at Sweet Nora’s. He loved the cooking and took to it easily. Getting to know the staff was another story. He knew Kenny, Sarah, Dylan and Isaac of course. But he didn’t work with them much. He was training during the day and the other cooks weren’t warming up to him. It was pretty lonely.

“Sounds good Chuck. I’ll let you know,” Kenny said. He noticed the poor guy was sorta down today. He hoped Dylan and Chuck weren’t having problems. Kenny really liked Dylan but the guy had been such a mess over the past two years. First there was that cheating bastard Ron who Kenny couldn’t stand. Then, after he died Dylan just lost it. Finally, the Dylan he knew before was back. He’d help if he could. He just didn’t know how.

“So how long have you worked here?” Chuck asked Kenny.

“Six years next month. I really like the job. Lynora can be a bitch sometimes but mostly she’s really cool,” Kenny said. “Don’t tell anyone, but I got a DUI two years ago and she covered my ass for court fees and an attorney. She let me pay her back over time.”

“She gave me this job to give me some experience. I want to go to cooking school this winter. Lynora gave me a chance to learn how to work in a real kitchen,” Chuck said. “I’ll never be able to repay her.”

“Just do a good job and she’ll love you. Take Dylan for example. He started here four years ago. Dylan wasn’t a prima donna. He picked up shifts. He helped her out by bar backing when we needed it. He was solid for her. When all that business with Ron went down, Lynora had Dylan’s back. You do her right, she’ll do you right.

“You mean when Ron died?” Chuck said.

“No. I mean when Ron was fucking around on Dylan,” Kenny said and realized Chuck was silent. The man wasn’t quiet. The man was absolutely still.

“I didn’t know,” Chuck said finally.

“Oh shit. I didn’t know. I mean, I’d never have said anything but I thought you knew. Dylan never told you?” Kenny said surprised.

“No. According to Dylan, Ron was the perfect man. I feel like I’ve been competing with a ghost,” Chuck said.

“Dude, you’re the best thing to ever happen to that guy. I’ve never seen him happier. He’s the old Dylan who we all love. Chuck, don’t give up on him. He’s worth it.”

“I won’t give up on him. I just can’t figure out what he sees in me,” Chuck said. He was trying to be positive but it wasn’t easy. He wasn’t Adam. He wasn’t Ron. He wasn’t anything special and like Chad and Dylan’s mom had noticed, he wasn’t the most attractive man. Those words that flipped his switch and triggered his episode were still in his head.

“What he sees is someone real. I don’t know if anyone has told you about his past but Dylan’s had a tough time. He’s had guys that just weren’t real. I think you’re real. I think you love him and he sees that. I think he probably appreciates that,” Kenny said. “But what do I know. I’m just a straight guy. Most people think we’re just two dimensional creatures that belch and watch football and hit on women. But, even a straight guy can see what’s right in front of him. The guy is crazy for you.”

Chuck dipped a fry in his ketchup. If Kenny was telling the truth, it answered his questions, but there was the rub. Was Kenny telling the truth? Not that Kenny would deliberately lie to him. Maybe Kenny just didn’t know what really went on. However, he seemed quite certain about Ron’s cheating. He also confirmed Dylan went a little crazy after Ron’s death. Those things made sense given what he knew about the events. Chuck wondered what was real and what wasn’t. This was confusing.

“How do you know Ron cheated on Dylan?” Chuck asked looking closely at the bartender.

“I never should have said that. Dylan’s gonna kill me. I can’t believe my mouth,” Kenny said.

“How do you know?” Chuck asked.

“Oh hell. I shouldn’t tell you this but Dylan told me himself. One night he got pretty blotto and told me about what Ron did. It made me sick. I don’t know if he even remembers telling me,” Kenny said.

“I won’t tell Dylan. It does help me understand things though,” Chuck said. “Thanks for having lunch with me.”

“No prob. I’m glad you two are together. It makes the world seem, well, upright. Thanks for giving us back Dylan,” Kenny smiled at Chuck. Chuck thought the big goof was quite a guy. He was a good friend to Dylan. He wondered if his boyfriend knew that.

In the back of his mind, Chuck was thinking about what he could do to let Dylan know he wasn’t alone. Chuck had problems with men in the past. Maybe if he finally told Dylan about Dewayne, his boyfriend would trust him with the subject of his dreams. It would be hard reliving that bastard’s lies, but if Dylan saw him open up, maybe that would usher a new episode of their life together.

Chuck figured it couldn’t hurt.

Chuck was terribly wrong.