Porcupines - 10. Chapter 10 - The Vow

Chapter 10 - The Vow

After finishing the chicken parmesan Chuck made for Dylan, the two went to the living room and cuddled on the couch holding hands. It felt comfortable and neither was in the mood after a big meal for anything more strenuous than snuggling. Dylan laid his head on Chuck’s muscular shoulder. They watched old episodes of ‘Cheers’ and laughed.

“Are you sure you don’t mind me calling you my boyfriend,” Dylan asked.

“Not at all,” Chuck said kissing the top of his boyfriend’s head. Dylan’s wavy auburn hair tickled his nose. “Since I’m your boyfriend, you should meet my sister.”

“Meeting the family already? I feel like we’re lesbians and moving in together already,” Dylan kidded.

“She’s MY roommate,” Chuck said. “She’s been wondering where I’ve been. If I stay over tonight, that will be three nights in a row. I don’t want her to worry about me.” Chuck had another reason. He needed to get past The Vow and it was starting to bug him. If he introduced Dylan to Kelli, it would ease his mind even though he knew it wasn’t that big a deal.

“Okay. Is she older than you or something? It’s not like she’s your guardian or anything,” Dylan asked gnawing on his lip. He really didn’t know that much about Chuck. On the other hand, meeting his sister would change that.

“No. She’s got a little boy, my nephew Brandon, and I help out with him sometimes,” Chuck said. He really didn’t take care of him that much but he didn’t want to tell Dylan about his “scary times.” Not yet. His new boyfriend didn’t need to know about that so soon.

“How old is your nephew?” Dylan asked casually.

“He’s four years old. He’s really special. We’re buddies,” Chuck said thinking of the cute little devil.

“I have a niece who’s also four,” Dylan said. “I like to buy her dresses and she models for me and my brother when we get together.”

“Kewl,” Chuck said. “That’s a nice coincidence.”

“It is,” Dylan said snuggling up to his boyfriend. He wasn’t feeling nervous any longer. He was actually feeling kind of excited about this. He would get to know more about Chuck and that sounded like fun.

“But first, I gotta ask you for a big favor,” Chuck said soberly.

“I’m too sore from this morning big guy,” Dylan scrunched Chuck’s nose.

“No. I’m too drained to even consider that. I need you to pretend we haven’t had sex yet. Just say that I’ve stayed overnight and we just played around a little. Can you do that for me?” Chuck asked softly.

“Sure,” Dylan said. “But why would your sister care? She doesn’t think you’re a virgin or something.”

“No. But we made this Vow to our grandmother and I don’t want her to think I broke it.”

“What?” Dylan leaned away. “Some kind of chastity until your married thing?”

“No, no, no. My grandmother is no prude. No. She made us promise to wait to have sex until certain things happened. Let me tell you the story. It isn’t weird I promise,” Chuck said. Dylan nodded and his boyfriend explained.

*********************

Nanna was very special to Chuck and Kelli. Since both their parents worked, she took care of them a lot. When they were sick, it was Nanna who nursed them back to health. Nanna was his father’s mother and she was a very caring woman.

When Kelli was 12 and Chuck was 14, she sat them down and asked them to promise something.

“You are getting to an age when you start to think about sex and dating. That’s natural and it’s normal. But I want you two to promise me something. Promise you will only have sex when you know that person is special enough for you. Here’s why.

“God gave us these special feelings to get us to have sex and make babies. But God also gave us these special feelings so we bond with others and love them and treat them right. God knew some people would misuse these special feelings, so that is why I want you to think about it. When you go out with a boy Kelli, you’ll want to have him do things to you. He’ll want to do things to you. Both of you want to get that special feeling but don’t do it. Not right away and not with just anyone.

“Some people try to get that special feeling with just anyone. Most of the time, they end up hurt and feeling bad about themselves. That just isn’t what God wants. He wants you to use that special feeling to make a special relationship. Do you two understand? So, promise me right now. Vow to me that you won’t have sex until you like someone so much you want your family to meet them. That’s all. Nothing crazy. You can kiss and hug and do other things. But promise you won’t have sex until you introduce that person to your family. Okay?”

Kelli and Chuck both promised. Kelli laughed about it but Chuck thought it made sense. Why have sex with someone you didn’t really like enough to share with your family? Why not make sex something really special you only do with someone you love? Chuck didn’t think it sounded like such a bad thing. He vowed to Nanna and he meant to keep that promise.

************************

Chuck finished talking and looked at Dylan pensively. He knew it sounded kind of odd but if Dylan liked him enough, it shouldn’t affect him too badly. After all, it was his deal, not Dylan’s.

Dylan thought for a second and pondered this Vow. It really wasn’t that odd. He knew how horrible his “walk of shame” nights made him feel. It did make you feel kinda cheap and common. Chuck’s Nanna wasn’t too off track about how making sex special was a nice way to think about it. But, Chuck had certainly broken that vow with him.

“Have you never had sex without that person meeting someone in your family?

Chuck shook his head. “Not until you that is.”

“So you want me to meet your sister so you can keep plowing my potatoes guilt free?” Dylan teased.

Chuck was quiet for a minute and inspected his fingernails closely. He started to blush and said looking over at Dylan, “I was kinda hoping you’d plow my potatoes after meeting my sister.”

Dylan looked at Chuck and slugged him playfully. “Well, if it’s for that reason, can we go over to her house now? I’d love to get into your furrow!”

Chuck’s blushing face was so cute Dylan had to kiss it. Chuck pecked him back on the cheek.

“I’m so glad I met you,” Chuck said. “I don’t mind breaking The Vow for you. You were special from the minute I laid my eyes on you. I don’t feel bad about what we’ve done together.”

“Good, because we are going to be doing a lot of it,” Dylan said. “Man, you made me feel real special both last night and this morning. I feel so special I’m still feeling it.”

“I didn’t hurt you did I?” Chuck worried.

“No Chuck. It was just really good.”

“Am I enough for you,” Chuck asked quietly. “I mean am I okay for you?”

“Good Gawd yes,” Dylan said. “You made my eyes roll back in my head and my toes curl. You rocked my world.” Chuck grinned proudly. He was so happy to see Dylan smile. That smile made his day.

“There is one more part to the story about The Vow. I’ve never told anyone this story but I want to tell you. Because, you are more special than anyone I’ve ever met,” Chuck said seriously. Dylan nodded. What else could this be?

Chuck looked even more nervous than he had before. But, Dylan smiled and nodded to him, encouraging him to open up. Chuck closed his eyes and began telling the other part of his story, the other thing Nanna had said to him and it was like she was there in the room with him. He could still hear her words and feel the terror he’d felt when he was fourteen.

***********************

“Chuck, I know you like boys,” she said after sitting him down at her old, huge table in the big airy farm kitchen.

“Nanna, I’m not that way. Why are you saying that?” Chuck lied and fretted. He couldn’t tear his eyes from hers though, not at first.

“I saw you in the back shed with Greg Randolph and saw you tugging each other off,” she said sternly. “It’s important you don’t lie to me.”

Chuck looked away from her then. He figured now Nanna would hate him. She wouldn’t want him around and she’d tell Mom and Dad. He began to feel his life crashing before his very eyes.

“Don’t you dare think I don’t love you anymore,” Nanna said and leaned over grabbing his hand. “I may be of a generation that pretends a man can’t fall in love with another man, but I’m not as dumb as the rest of them. I know some men are queer for other men and I know sometimes a man can like women but fall in love with a man anyway. I’ve seen what happens when a man is queer for another and denies it. They end up miserable and unhappy and make everyone else that way too.”

Fourteen year old Chuck started to cry. “I can’t believe you think I’m a faggot Nanna. I can’t believe you are gonna tell everyone I’m a pervert.

Nanna sighed and came around the table to him. She took young Chuck, who was barely into puberty, and cradled him.

“I see I have to tell you why I know and why I don’t care that you are gay,” Nanna said and sat next to Chuck on a chair, still holding him. “Let me tell you about my gay brother Harold.”

Young Chuck was perplexed. “Great Uncle Harry isn’t gay. He was married and had three kids and like a dozen grandkids.” It was obvious to the fourteen year old that his grandmother was going crazy. He was glad about that. He knew he had feelings for Greg but he wasn’t a fag. They were weird and he was normal. He just liked Greg a lot. A real lot.

Nanna laughed a little and patted Chuck’s hand. “Okay, let me tell you about my brother.” She sat back and told him to get comfortable.

“Forty some odd years ago, I was about 16 and my brother Harry, your departed great uncle, was about your age. I saw him in my parent’s barn with a boy in his class named Stu Cavill. Stu moved away but I saw him doing about the same thing you and Greg were doing, just diddling with each other. I didn’t think much of it until a few weeks later. You see, we knew boys going through puberty played around with each other. That wasn’t strange. But, what happened next was strange.”

“Harry’s best friend was a boy named Carl Svegge.” Chuck cleared his throat. “Nanna, is that the guy down at the feed store in Brewster? Dad worked part time for him a while ago.”

“Yep, that’s the guy,” Nanna said. That was my brother’s best bud and he was really handsome, a real good looking guy. A real stud muffin.”

“Nanna!” Chuck exclaimed embarrassed and a little repulsed his grandmother was talking about men as muffins, studly or not.

“He was the hot stud,” Nanna smiled at young Chuck. “All the girls in his class wanted him but Bess Lampert, who was in my class, wanted him the most. She had her eye on him and she got his attention. Carl didn’t stand a chance. Bess doesn’t look like much now, but she was a real shapely girl back then. It was the hottest gossip around the school. Everyone was talking about it but my brother Harry was acting so strange about the whole thing.”

“Harry was acting, well, jealous of Bess and Carl’s relationship. He HATED Bess. He talked trash about her. He told Carl she was stepping out on him. Finally, one night Harry went out cruising in his car with Carl. They had gotten a bottle of gin and were taking swigs as they drove around. Harry got really drunk and he came home shit-f, I mean really drunk. I heard him and went to let him in. I made him go into the basement to sleep it off so our parents wouldn’t hear him.”

“He was so drunk. Harry was talking about Carl and how good they were together. He was rambling but I listened to it because he was my favorite brother. Harry was sweet then. You are kind of like him, Chuck. He was the most affectionate and loving boy.”

“Anyhoo, I listened to him as he broke down. He was crying about Carl. Harry said how much he hated Bess who kept AT HIM all the time. He said Carl deserved better. Then Harry said, ‘Carl love’s ME, not that bitch.’ I didn’t’ know what to say. I never imagined I’d have a brother who was bent. I loved him regardless of what he was. He was my god-d, um, gosh-darn brother and I watched as that sweet boy turned into a raging lunatic.”

“From that night on, I started watching Harry, especially around Carl. Harry was so drunk he didn’t remember talking to me but I hadn’t been drunk. I remembered every single word he said and all that it meant. I wanted to see if Carl loved Harry and what Harry was thinking and more importantly feeling.”

“What’s interesting is when you know something, you see other things more clearly. Harry was otherwise normal, unless Bess or Carl were around. When Carl walked into a room, Harry lit up. I later found, when you love someone, are attracted to someone, your pupils dilate making them appear larger. That is what happened with Harry. Carl’s eyes didn’t dilate. He smiled, was pleased to see Harry, but he wasn’t in love with him.”

“When Bess would touch Carl, Harry would clench his jaw. He’d get stiff and his shoulders would get higher. His breathing would become more labored. His eyes narrowed and focused on her. Every time my brother would be with Carl and Bess, he was tortured. I don’t know what kind of fooling around Carl and Harry did, but Harry had it bad.”

“Who knows what Harry thought, but he started dating Carl’s sister. It was like he thought fiddling with Carl’s sibling would draw his attention back to him. One day, he told me Carl was about to dump Bess. It was wishful thinking. When Carl and Bess were engaged, Harry dumped Carl’s sister and never spoke with them again. He married Marie and got her pregnant three times and made all their lives miserable.”

“Great Uncle Harry wasn’t very nice,” young Chuck said. He was getting the gist of the story. The old bastard was just plain mean to everyone. He would make his wife cry saying her pie tasted like dirt. He’d call his son a worthless piece of shit, just to see him sad. He called his lovely daughter a whore because she dated a nice Baptist boy. They were the saddest, most despicable family because he punished them for making him be straight.

Young Chuck looked at his Nanna. “I just don’t understand. Sure Carl didn’t love him but he didn’t have to make everyone else so miserable.”

“Chuck. Everyone expected Harry to have a normal life. They didn’t care if he had a happy life or not. It was expected he’d marry, have children, and work at a successful job. That was supposed to make him happy. It didn’t. He wasn’t happy. He was miserable. He never knew love. He only did what he was supposed to do.”

“Chuck. I will die before I let that tragedy happen to you. I want you to be happy. I don’t care a tiny rat’s ass if you have a normal life. I want you to be happy. I can’t watch my grandson die an early death like I did my brother.”

“Great Uncle Harry died last year. He was 59 years old,” young Chuck said confused.

Nanna was crying and now the youngster was reassuring her.

“Don’t cry Nanna. I won’t hurt myself. I won’t make anybody miserable. I swear,” young Chuck cried, trying to comfort his grandmother.

“Chuck. You listen to me. When I saw what you and that boy were doing, I didn’t think much of it. But when I saw how you reacted when Greg was talking to Cindy Bartman the next day. You looked just like my brother. You hated Cindy. When Greg spoke to you and touched you, your eyes widened. Your pupils dilated. You love Greg and it is hurting you, isn’t it.”

Young Chuck couldn’t deny it but he wouldn’t confirm it either. Nanna was right. It was like she was a witch and looked right inside his head. When Greg looked at him and smiled, he was so happy and felt so good inside. Then when Cindy touched Greg, when he touched her back, Chuck wanted to kill her. He felt a red rage begin to rise within him. Nanna was right.

If he wasn’t careful he’d become Great Uncle Harry. Nobody wanted that.

“I don’t know why you think Mom and Dad have to know,” young Chuck said. In the end, he had told she was right about him.

“We have to tell your parents because of The Vow. We also need to tell them because you need to accept it. You are a wonderful boy, a loving boy full of life. Don’t let this kill you,” Nanna said.

In the end, Nanna agreed we could tell Kelli and not my parents. I told them later. They know. But that tough old lady ended up saving me in the long run. I wouldn’t have survived had she not made me take The Vow. I also couldn’t have survived in the closet. I would be dead today if I couldn’t be open and happily gay. She saved me and for that, I honor The Vow.”

***************************

Chuck stopped talking and looked at his boyfriend. He wondered what Dylan’s reaction would be. Would he think their whole family was nuts? Was his life too weird to accept? Carefully he watched as the other man processed the tale.

Dylan didn’t know what to say. It was an amazing story. Talk about love for her brother that in turn probably saved her grandson. Dylan wasn’t sure about this whole “vow” thing but given the love of Nanna for Chuck, it made sense. If Chuck was anything like his Nanna, which it seemed he was, Dylan was going to be a lucky man. He’d once thought a “real man of substance” was a mature man who was responsible with a good job. He was changing his idea of what that really meant.

Substance is in the character of a man, not in what he has.

Dylan’s smile and the tender kiss gave Chuck his answer. He never said a word about Chuck’s story. Dylan just held his hand and cuddled him whispering ‘thank you’ to him.

Chuck relaxed into his arms and said a silent prayer to his grandmother. Maybe Dylan would be the one to accept all of him, warts and all.