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Sorry To Hurt You

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clochette

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I'm not one to talk about myself. I'm a listener, not a talker. But here it is.

 

This weekend I was talking with my mom (well she was talking and I was listening) and she said that during the week she had an "argument" with my dad translate by she asked something, he answered, she didn't like the answer.
So she asked my opinion. I knew my answer would hurt her, that she wouldn't like it but she insisted and I didn't feel like "stabling" my dad in the back (this sound dramatic but I don't know how to say this in another way) to somehow please her with something false.

 

She asked if, like my dad, I felt like she had abandonned us when my grandpa was sick.

 

To say grandpa was sick is a "nice" way to say he had Alzheimer.

 

Grandpa was dignosed with Al 3 years ago. We thought we had time, he would take some meds and Al would slow down. After all, his friend was dignose with Al 15 years ago so why not him.
Well not him. He died in the space of a year.
At first it was little things like losing track of the time, forgeting what he was doing, getting some of our names mix up (who wouldn't with 3 grand-daughters name Marion, Marine and Margot!) but quickly it became hallucinations, paranoia crises... My grandma tried to save the face for as long as she could but she wasnt sleeping anymore afraid of what he would do during the night, she just couldn't manage him on her own anymore. So in November grandpa start to go to a nursing home a few days per week until he had to be admitted there full time in December. At this point he only had a few moment of lucidity. His crises and hallutionnations became worst and worst until finally his heart got too tired in April 2 years ago.

 

Back to Mom. During this time she would go to my grandparents every weekends. I would come back home late friday afternoon and she would go friday evening or saturday early morning and come back late sunday when I was already gone back to my apartment.

 

I don't ressent her being present for her parents. She wouldn't be who she is if she hadn't done it. I love her even more for this.
But, yes, a part of me felt abandoned. For all those months I pretty much didn't see my mom when I was suffering too. A part of me is also angry. Angry she didn't put some distance to protect herself. It was always so heartbreaking seeing cry before going to see her dad and before taking the road to come home. Angry I was the one she came to talk to when she needed to cause her brothers were too busy with their lives or her sister was closing her eyes on the situation. Angry at myself cause all those times the only thing I wanted to tell her was to please not tell me all those things. I feel bad and egoistic for feeling this way.

 

But she asked and that's what I told her. She doesn't understand how I could feel abandoned when she was doing the right thing. I don't understand how I could fell abandoned when I know she was doing the right thing. I tried to make her understand but I'm not sure I understand it myself.

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Clochette, it's hard for me to speak objectively about this subject. Other than to say sadly this becomes reality for a lot of adults, usually with aging parents, or in my case, my early 20s. So often it all falls on the shoulders of one sibling (me in my family's situation) to step up and help the ailing parent out. Luckily in my situation there were no kids to feel like you did. It's just horrible.

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Have you told her what you've written in the second to last paragraph? Sounds to me you don't feel abandoned, not only. You're angry too. Angry at the sickness for making your grandfather ill and your mother so sad. Angry at your mother for not taking care of herself and perhaps of you? In a crisis, our child within can take over and it's not strange if you wanted the safety of your mother, even if you of course understand she had to help her parents.

 

 

Also, it sounds to me like you are hurting a great deal over the frustration and fear you've felt about your grandfather's quick passing. A year is such a short period to lose someone, especially to a disease like that, where you lose your loved one even sooner as their minds drift away. Maybe you feel he's the one who abandoned you and your mom? Maybe you wish you could've gotten more support from her since you were hurting too? It's not rational and you know in your mind she was already at her limit. Your heart nonetheless needed her.

 

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. Talk to your mother again and try to explain all these conflicting emotions.

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First off, all the things you and your family are feeling are NORMAL.

 

When my mom was dying due to cancer, things fell on me. My brother actually packed house and moved to Florida knowing mom would likely not last out the year. He brought dad with him. He felt it would be too much to deal with mom's illness and take care of dad after his stroke. In that he was 100 % right.

 

Knowing mom did the right things have very little to do with the feelings involved. Have you ever heard the saying "The heart wants what the heart wants."?

 

If two years later the anger has not faded, perhaps a freight councilor would help.

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Maybe you both should just stop to ask, how this comes and concentrate more on that you feel so. I do not think, you need to feel guilty about your feelings, nor your mother needs to feel guilty about her decision. It is a good thing, that you can name two steps in communication, the description of what happened and you feelings about this. Perhaps you can go on, finding the words for the need that is behind this feeling, maybe safety, contact to your mother, attention or what ever. Every need is just this: A need and therefore to respect.

If you found out about this, one could make a performable request, to get this need fulfilled. Sometimes there is only an inward clarification necessary to feel better, sometimes there is actually something the other person can do. And being a mother myself, I would be happy if my daughter tells me, what I can do, to help her fell better. But if I don`t get told, I couldn`t change/do anything.

So don`t feel bad about your argument, you worked a lot out for yourself. And mothers arn`t perfect, sometimes they need just time, to get their brains around stuff to understand.

Hug you.

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If talking didn't work, try what you did here. Write your mom a letter. Do it long-hand, wait overnight, read it again (and make changes if needed) and then mail it. Ask her to write back if she needs some time to be able to marshal her thoughts and think it out on paper. It's less immediate and gives you more time to really share what you feel/need to say and for her/you to absorb that without having an immediate need to respond, which can lead to emotional responses that don't go well.

 

I will say, having done hospice care as a medical professional, and facing it with a family member in the past, that this is one of the hardest things families face. It tears apart siblings, spouses, parents and kids... because it's so hard to absorb all the emotions and hardship that comes from taking care of someone you know you're about to lose as well as live a 'normal' life. Death is consuming for those being left behind, especially if it's a long process. Know that your feelings aren't "wrong" even if you don't understand them fully or feel guilty because they seem selfish. You feel what you feel, so you shouldn't focus on not feeling that way to avoid hurting your mom.

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I don't know if there's a best way to approach a situation like this, because as others have said, this is hard. I think it's important to communicate, though, especially with an open-mind, knowing that everyone is trying to make the right decisions and no one is out to hurt anyone else. Sometimes we hurt people without meaning to, and being able to forgive is important for rebuilding trust. 

 

So be easy on yourself and be easy on your mom. *hugs*

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I really wish I have to hands to type right now. Until I can do it easily *hugs*

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Auh Clo... :hug:

 

I felt something same related to my parents too. But the truth is both them and us are correct. We just can't negotiate some things with them. Like spicky told, we need to show the love we have for them as well as reason with them if necessary. But burying those disturbing thoughts will hurt you so much as well as them if they get to know. So please don't hold those feelings in you and infection you happiness.

 

I am sorry to hear all this about how you feel. But you should have talked to someone. Why hadn't tell me this all. Remember that you can talk to me about anything and you can rely on me. You have been a good friend always and expect the from me too. And I can understand if you feel otherwise. Because I too some times think that not talking to someone with lots of reasons.

 

With love and lots of hugs...

~Emi.

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It's hard to deal with a harsh truth like that, for all of you. :( But I hope you can say to your mum that even if she did abandon you and your dad then, at least she's there for you now, and you appreciate that. Don't feel bad about the anger and hurt, I bet you never took them out on your mum, since you didn't even tell her until she insisted. Hopefully, now the matter is out in the open, the hurt can finally heal. :hug:

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I think this is all just normal post-trauma stress and it can take years to settle it all out. Same happened with my dad and he went quickly in a couple years. But it was an absolute nightmare when he was at home and it really stressed me and my mom out. Everything stops and you have to devote your life to it. Then my older brother got cancer and we went through similar drama for almost two years with that. We were both pretty crazy when it was all over. It's not easy to just get back to normal, not after such stress and loss. Those kind of experiences can really affect you and there will be all kind of lingering feelings and resentments that, often, just don't make sense. Be patient and give yourself more time. Very few of us are strong enough to go through such stress without some kind of problems from it.

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