Some of you are angry /disappointed/ or whatever with me.  I can understand why.

You read what I’ve written about me and how I feel about tim and you probably laughed and if you are in the know, you have likely said, “Sure you do.”

I do love him, very deeply.

He has certain expectations of me because of our lifestyle, expectations I have been failing in providing. That leads to his unhappiness, and he is less sure of himself, of me, and us.

In the recent past I watched as tim went through a very hurtful situation that affected him deeply.  I could do little to protect him. The effect however on tim was serious. There was a serious depressive episode that had him on anti-depressants so strong he began to hear voices. Voices that caused thoughts of suicide. There were daily visits to his psychiatrist, pills and recurring nightmares thought buried.

Finally healing after that, tim wanted to explore some fetish behavior he was interested in. His Project, he called it. This project included somethings I’d wanted and pushed for, for some time. I was going to get what I’d desired.  However, after the fact I wasn’t so sure, it was what I wanted, nor am I sure I want repeat it. Insecurities I didn’t think I had raised their heads. I’ll need to talk properly to tim about it.

On top of this was a diagnosis of Type 2 diabetes for me. tim immediately redesigned our diet, I agreed to all the changes, because I want to be here for tim, my boy.

Through all this I became less and less able to be who tim needs and expects me to be. Who I thought I was. This self-doubt shook me badly.

I was frustrated one night, treated tim poorly and I am ashamed of my behavior towards this man I love and who I know loves me.

My anger and doubt was bad enough, that after going to work the next morning, I spoke to my boss and took two weeks leave. I couldn’t deal with what was happening in my head, or the feelings. I did something I never thought I’d do. I texted tim, went home, packed a bag and told him I’d be back.

I knew it would hurt him. I also knew he’d turn to his friends and they gathered around him like a herd of wildebeest and protected their friend.  I am grateful to them all.

I drove then, north to a place I’d been before, a lovely lodge on the French River, not too far from Noelville.  Here I spent days just thinking, being in the natural world, try to figure out what the best course was.

I reached out to a couple of people, one basically said get your act together sooner rather than later, and that he was looking after tim, and the other said, I understand the need for space, tim was cared for and okay and that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I appreciated the messages.

I found what I needed. And that is to understand and accept that I’m not perfect, that I’m capable of jealousy and self-doubt. Those things plus my strengths make me human. Yet I am still the dominant man tim needs me to be.  

tim if you’ll still have me, I’ll be home tomorrow, boy.

I love you.

M

****************************************************************************