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You're a What?

MichaelS36

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Just a bit of background...

 

As I went through my younger years I found that other’s seemed to naturally follow me, and look to me for direction. As sex came into the picture, it was the same in the bedroom. I learned that I liked to lead play there, liked my partners to be submissive. I thought simply that I was a top, I am, but I am more.

 

I am what is known as a Dominant, a Dom. It is not about being a brute or sadist (well it is if you are a sadist). It is about honesty, control and you must believe that mistakes are unacceptable. I do not mean mistakes made by the submissive; I mean mistakes made by myself.

 

Mistakes made by a Dom can be dangerous for the submissive so open two-way honest communication is paramount.

 

I learned about BDSM and D/s and read about these lifestyles and the more I read the more I knew what I wanted from life and from my future partner.

As a young man, I also met the man who would be my mentor in the D/s lifestyle, John. He taught me much, showed me much and I developed into who I am today.

 

Before tim, I had other subs, some interested in long term, others only in D/s in the bedroom. From these experiences I learned for me D/s would extend beyond the bed, into nearly all aspects of my life.

 

I’ve never been one to shy away from the fact I am different from most and wanted different things. I do not hide I am gay, when we are out of the house, tim’s hand is in mine. I will hug him, or touch him and give him a kiss out there in the world. I do not care what other’s think about that. We are as human as they and if they take issue, then look away.

 

tim I was fairly sure was submissive when I first met him; and he was who I wanted. It took time to ensure this was the case on both counts. After several months I was positive and I methodically went about making tim want me too.

 

Once we decided how we would live we had the usual vanilla marriage ceremony. I wanted more however, a D/s ceremony, where I would collar my boy.

The collar can be a simple chain, to a leather collar or metal ring, it is up to each Dominant to determine what they want. tim’s collar is simple box chain in silver, with a flat silver ring with the word Forever on it.  

 

There would be friends of ours, John and his boy and some other Dominants and their subs present but I also wanted my parents there. They didn’t know about this part of me, well not formally, but how to tell them?

 

I did it as I do everything, straightforwardly and honestly. I took tim one night to see them and told them about my life, our life.

 

My father listened quietly and my mother was rather more animated. She wanted to know if I beat tim, how could I hurt him if I loved him. tim surprised me then by speaking up.

 

“Michael does not beat me. There are deep reasons for what we do but He does nothing i don’t want Him to.”

 

We spent another hour talking about D/s and what it means to us both. Since the ceremony, I know both of them have looked into D/s and have a better understanding of what it is.

 

tim and I have lived this way for nearly eight years. We’ve had ups and downs, but tim is the most important thing in my life.

 

tim has paid dearly for the right to live, he has given me the greatest gift anyone can offer, he has given me himself. I cherish, love and protect that with all I have because nothing will ever mean more to me.

 

Just a bit of background.. questions if you have them, are welcome.

 

M

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I have a question: 

My opinion has always been that to make a relationship work - long term - you have to give somethings up, which means you have to allow, in part, the wishes of your partner to over ride your own.

What did you give up in this relationship?

 

I know this is very personal, so of course you are not obliged to reply, it is not a question directly about your life style, but neither does your answer (should you give one) need to be dramatic.

 

For example, in my own relationship, when I was much younger I gave up a life style which included being vegetarian to live harmoniously with my boyfriend, to be, if you like, compatible, because I'd fallen in love.

 

So why ask you such a question?

 

Because, for myself, it demonstrates a loving relationship when you are prepared to give up something that means a lot to you for the sake of the two of you and that you did not simply manipulate things, quote: "After several months I was positive and I methodically went about making tim want me too." It is that statement that I find difficult to reconcile. If you were so in love that you did everything you could to win over the boy you had fallen for, that is very romantic. However, one might read those words as meaning you manipulated a perhaps less strong person into taking on a role that would please you, even if the other person was predisposed to that inferior position. I would like to know if somewhere in this relationship it's a two way thing, give and take, giving a home and material comforts doesn't count, that is a given, if you love someone you share everything.

 

In any account, it has been interesting, educational, and mind opening reading about your relationship and lifestyle. I applaud you for being open, honest, and sharing. I hope that no one would attempt to lay any judgement at your door, we should all be free to live our lives how we choose with the one proviso that we try not to hurt anyone else.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

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Thank you for sharing this. I admire you both for your honesty and for giving us this quick peek into your lives. The dominant thing has been something that I've never really been able to understand and I still don't quite get it but I know that it's not about hurting someone or being hurt. This must be a popular misconception.

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55 minutes ago, Lyssa said:

*take you in my arms*

thanks @Lyssa

38 minutes ago, BlindAmbition said:

Everything requires careful consideration. Especially when it involves matters of the heart. Disappointment.

you are so right @BlindAmbition

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thank you for sharing this part of you. knowledge and open-mindedness lead to understanding.

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tim I was fairly sure was submissive when I first met him; and he was who I wanted. It took time to ensure this was the case on both counts. After several months I was positive and I methodically went about making tim want me too.

 

@William King

I don't see this as coercion or manipulation. If one is sure that they have met the person that completes them, isn't it a natural thing to pursue that person? In the end, you may be wrong, but there's nothing wrong with having a plan and giving it your all. 

 

Thank you for sharing - and explaining - this snippet of who and what you and tim are, Mike. 

 

 

 

Edited by Reader1810
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2 minutes ago, Puppilull said:

While they'll probably never quite get it, they've gone above and beyond to try and understand.

That's all that anyone really asks for. You're right; they are good people, who want to do the right thing. I know that it's not always easy for parents and I've often tried to put myself in their shoes. My parents made mistakes and it wasn't easy for me but I can't say for certain if I would have handled it any better.

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17 hours ago, William King said:

 

"After several months I was positive and I methodically went about making tim want me too." It is that statement that I find difficult to reconcile. If you were so in love that you did everything you could to win over the boy you had fallen for, that is very romantic. However, one might read those words as meaning you manipulated a perhaps less strong person into taking on a role that would please you

 

Um... so if I say this to my (future) bf: "I will make you love me", that means I manipulate him into loving me? And I think you underestimate tim too much. He's not weak to be manipulated by anyone. 

 

Hi Mike, I hope you don't mind me reading your blog. Thank you for sharing your thought, your life here. 

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On 25/07/2017 at 1:22 PM, BlindAmbition said:

Everything requires careful consideration. Especially when it involves matters of the heart. Disappointment.

I disappointed a great number of people,  one especially. .there's no forgiveness for that

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1 minute ago, MichaelS36 said:

I disappointed a great number of people,  one especially. .there's no forgiveness for that

you may have disappointed a number of people, but there is always room in the heart for forgiveness. you may not agree with me, but to me, its true. i wish you peace

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What I find interesting in this discussion is the theme of dominance and submission, sadism and masochism, daddy and boy, top and bottom, it seems now to be all pervasive. Then the added notion of relationships that are manipulated, coerced – strong words, perhaps manoeuvred is more appropriate.


Someone stated if I think I've found my perfect partner and try to win them over, is that manipulation? I can't put everything in a box and make a judgement, we all manipulate and manoeuvre relationships, all the time. The important thing here is not that, but taking advantage, and only you know that (you being anyone in this situation, I am not talking here about Michael).


Getting back to the Dom/sub relationship, is that any different from most other relationships? The only thing I would find weird would be if the Dom dictated everything in the life of the couple. Dominance per se, like inflicting pain in sex, is not unusual. The Dom/sub thing is deemed a minority, but I kind of doubt that. Perhaps it depends how adventurous you are, but it isn't new to me, it can be a big turn on. How far you take it, that depends!


One thing I would add, is that I never felt like I had to win a boyfriend. I mean you meet boys, men, you see there is an attraction. There’s some playing around, seduction, but essentially you are attracted, one to the other. You get it together or not sexually, all depends. If there is more than just sex, and if both partners want it, if that is what they are looking for, then a long-term relationship is possible.


Love, that's the next question. Why? Because, I don't think gay relationships (let me qualify that, male gay relationships) follow heterosexual, straight, relationships. Maybe they do sometimes. But I think there's more emphasis on sex, a relationship comes after. For heteros it's kind of relationship first, then sex, the opposite way around.


I am quite prepared the hear that it isn't sex first for gays today, because I'm an old guy. There was no AIDS when I was young, and that has without doubt changed things, but how much?


I apologise if I have gone off topic, but the point was to dismiss the notion that Dom/sub is such a minority thing, and to see the relationship in the context of all relationships, to also make the distinction between sex and living together. To clarify that manipulation or manoeuvring, also happens all the time.
 

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It's like walking on eggshells here. Okay, maybe weird was a wrong choice of word. But the point is - if the Dom dictated everything - and you answered it yourself tim - i defer to Michael in most things. So excuse me for labouring the point, but most things is not everything. 

 

 

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