In amongst our little group online there has been a lot more talk of D/s, or BDSM lately. Which I like, since sharing information makes us more real and less something to be stared at and whispered about.
I know it’s come as a surprise to some that I have a good sense of humour and enjoy a good laugh. There is more to each of us than most people think. We are not the porn-style stereotypes people usually imagine us to be. BDSM and D/s are not porn.
But our life, like everyone’s has serious moments, stresses, sadness, and because of the nature of our fetishes we have to be careful, with our bodies and minds. Doms must be careful of ourselves and of those who give us of themselves; our boys and girls; our subs.
There are Doms who search for boys like my tim. I’ve had people say that to me. “Where did you find that perfect boy?”
Well, on paper or at first meeting he may seem perfect. he’s not. he’s a good boy, a great partner, but not perfect. No one is. Certainly not me.
Our partnership, and tim being the boy he is today, has been – so far – a ten-year journey. Lots of ups and downs, and as tim says, two steps forward, one back … over and over again. Add depression, PTSD and HIV into the equation and things start to get messy. Add my own issues with diabetes and some very stressful work, well, things can get ugly pretty quick.
They did. I’ve written about it before. Some of you were right here when it happened.
But, what about now?
Over the past year, tim has been on a long graceful curve to arrive where he is now. Today, he truly trusts me. he is open and here with me. His past seems to stay there for the most part.
There have been scenarios, that I wanted to try and explore with him that previously were totally off limits. Today, though they still cause some anxiety, he trusts me to lead him through. Now he knows I won’t give him more than he can deal with.
I still push but I watch him carefully. Because he would put himself in harm’s way if he knows I want something, in order to please me. I stop once I see the signs. Eventually we will get where I want to be, but slowly and carefully is the only way.
Pushing too hard and too far can only damage, who should be our most precious concern; our subs.
Many of you have read MacGreg’s The Process of Learning. They are beautifully written and tell the story of his method of teaching a new boy. There are many ways, but I like Mac’s. I have learned from them myself.
Since I work with many subs, I have had to change my own methods. They have to suit the sub to some extent, for me. Some come for punishment, some come to learn, some are new D/s couples who want direction and advice. There are subs who only wish to clean and cook, slaves, furries, babys, only bedroom and like tim, 24/7…there is no single type. So, I have had to adapt and offer a variety of information, methods, thoughts and ideas.
There are many types of Doms. The worst are the fakes, the ones out to hurt. There is no care for the mind or body of their sub. They prey on those who are vulnerable, often the subs are forced to sign away money, rights and eventually they are abandoned. Which may be the worst offence.
My way with tim remains mostly unchanged, though I am adaptable. Nothing is written in stone. And because we often wish to explore things I’ve not experienced or done, other Doms are involved. That means more learning for us both, it means we need to remain openminded and willing to experience what comes. In our relationship there is no place for dishonesty, between each other or ourselves, or jealousy either.
I am lucky tim is who he is because I cannot imagine sharing this life with anyone else. It is a wonderful adventure.
If you haven't please do read MacGreg's wonderful: The Process of Learning
Thanks for reading.